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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask him not to bring random women home

96 replies

lokaku · 30/10/2010 09:12

I'm currently living with my brother (due to an abusive ex). He went out last night with his friends and he clearly 'pulled' and he brought her back with him. DD just wandered into the kitchen to find said girl making herself breakfast apparently with dbs permission (he's still in bed).
This scared her and she's been through a lot in the last month and having "strange women" in the house will not help this.
I know its his house and we are staying here rent free and he has been a saviour in what he has done. AIBU to ask him not to bring women back.

OP posts:
hairytriangle · 30/10/2010 11:26

YABU.

His house, his right to do what he likes.

Your daughter, your responsibility, your choice to stay there.

I realise you've had a hard time but if you find it that difficult and are really worried about it then you will go to a B&B or somewhere else.

MadAboutQuavers · 30/10/2010 11:30

So do you think it's reasonable to say that he shouldn't have people staying in the house at all while you're there? Because if that's the case, it's not just about random women, is it

You say that it wouldn't have mattered if it had been a male or a female making toast in the kitchen. Somehow, I don't believe you, and I think this is largely your disapproval that's giving you the issue. You can very easily explain a situation of "Uncle's friends just sleeping over" if you want to, and you know you can - you're being oversensitive really

And yabvu too. You're a guest, remember

huddspur · 30/10/2010 11:32

I think the OP is objecting to her db bringing back people that he's just met in a bar and so doesn't know and the OP and her dd have no idea who she is until they see her in the morning.

I still think she is being unreasonable.

Scaredandalone · 30/10/2010 11:35

I think YABVU he is being a good supportive brother and you want to ask him this. You said you would not have minded if it was a friend and you know all his friends. Well when I go to people houses I dont always know everyone who is likely to pop in.

I presume as well as you have not said otherwise this is the first time this has happened. Go to breakfast with your dd and if there is anyone there chat to them and tell dd she is just a friend.

usernamechanged345 · 30/10/2010 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scaredandalone · 30/10/2010 11:47

Please don't ask him I have put up a few friends and family members when they are going through a rough time and with those who start making demands and asking me to change the way I live I usually lose contact with them as I begin to feel like they are taking the piss. Asking him this may drive a wedge in your relationship.

valiumskeleton · 30/10/2010 11:48

I think a roof over your head with a family member is not to be underappreciated. I left an abusive relationship 3 years ago. I was really so relieved that I had family to go to.

I agree with the others who say just gloss over it and say she is a friend of uncle's.

missmoopy · 30/10/2010 11:49

Its his house and if he is single and not shagging this woman/ or other women where your daughter could see/hear then so what?

Just be friendly to her, and say she's a friend of your bro. If its a different girl every week you might talk to him about safe sex though!

duvetcover · 30/10/2010 12:18

This post made me feel hungry. What kind of breakfast?

and yabu.

reratio · 30/10/2010 12:19

YABU Is there a bit of big sister doesn't like the thought of little brother being with loads of different women and you are projecting it onto your dd

Dracschick · 30/10/2010 12:24

I havent read all the replies Blush but I appreciate youve both had a rough time however I dont think its unreasonable that your very good db is able to have friends sleep with him over at his house Wink.

I think if I were you and knowing this is a possibility Id get up and be with dd and get her breakfast.

popelle · 30/10/2010 13:33

YABVU he has taken you in and isn't charging you rent and you think you can tell him what he can and can't do Hmm

taintedpaint · 30/10/2010 13:50

Yes, YABVU, your DB has gone above and beyond for your and your DD and he's doing nothing wrong.

That said, I do sympathise with your situation, but you can't ask him this. I can't believe you'd even think about asking him.

ForMashGetSmash · 30/10/2010 13:55

LoubieLou....it is not a "stupid question" at all....5 is too young to be getting up and wandering about a house alone in the mornings...even at 5 they can get into all kinds of mischief....they need supervision and I would appreciate your not calling my questions stupid thank you. What a rude person.

FakePlasticTrees · 30/10/2010 14:09

18to30's suggestion of a text on the way home is far more reasonable than asking him to give up his sex life, and more likely to get him to agree without causing ill feeling.

If he can text the name, then at least you know to get up with your DD and say "uncle's friend XXX has slept over, she might be in the kitchen." Surely that would be less stressful for your DD.

LittleMissHissyFangs · 30/10/2010 14:13

I agree with taintedpaint.

I do know how you feel, a bit icky, but your daughter will look at this utterly differently to how you are seeing it.

You know your brother is not being U, you know that you are actually being U. Don't say anything to him, don't even let on to him you think anything at all.

He has taken you in, wanting nothing in return. Look around, there are many here that wouldn't be able to lean on familial support.
Are you contributing at all?

I didn't see how long you have been living there, but about a month so far, give or take?

Honey, you need to sort out your own place, you can't stay living with your brother, it's not fair on anyone.

Contact Women's Aid, CAB and the council. It's your number one important issue, to find a roof.

Wishing you all the very best, well done for getting out, now to get on with the rest of your life!

WallowsInFlies · 30/10/2010 15:16

a month already? and you let your dd get up without you in his house?

time to find somewhere to live.

honestly the reality is that you stayed with an abusive man despite having a dd but you expect your db to not even have a normal woman in his own home because your dd is there. you are expecting a hell of a lot more of him than yourself.

find somewhere of your own to live.

WallowsInFlies · 30/10/2010 15:17

and in the meantime pay some rent regardless of whether he asks or not. you're there using heating and electricity, water etc. don't take the piss.

Squitten · 30/10/2010 15:24

YABU! His house, his life, nothing to do with you! He's doing you a massive favour by letting your stay with him and you probably don't want to mess that up.

Just explain to your DD that her uncle has friends staying over sometimes. Don't understand the big deal.

spidookly · 30/10/2010 15:28

You can't ask because would be an enormous liberty when he is being so generous and kind to you.

If you find things at his house intolerable you should move out.

You should do that anyway if you're thinking it's your place to be making those kinds of demands when you contribute nothing.

cory · 30/10/2010 16:01

ForMash, I don't think many MNers would agree with you about a 5yo not being allowed to walk around the house unsupervised. Most of us have found it a good idea to let them start practising independence gradually.

OP, it will be far better for your dd if she sees friends staying over as a natural, fun thing for her uncle rather than being encouraged to see it as something threatening. If you have been having a scary time of it, it is even more important for her to learn that normal people are not scary or dangerous.

catholicatheist · 30/10/2010 16:14

YABU If it was your house then you would be entitled to feel like this but remember it is you encroaching on his personal space.

missmoopy · 30/10/2010 17:47

My dd is 5 (almost 6) and she goes down to loo (downstairs bathroom) on her own, but she doesn't spend any time downstairs alone whilst we are in bed. It seems too young to me? Especially in a house thats not ours!

RunawayPumpkin · 30/10/2010 17:49

YAByotallyU

IT IS HIS HOME HE CAN DO WHAT HE LIKES IN IT

nancydrewrocked · 30/10/2010 17:56

If your DD was scared then you need to start getting up with her so she doesn't come across strangers but you absolutely cannot ask your brother to moderate his behaviour when he is doing you a massive favour.

Formash how old are your children? I would think the vast majority of parents allow their 5 year olds to get up unsupervised in the morning - it is how we get our lie ins!

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