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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask that THEY ask to leave the table?

79 replies

spybear · 28/10/2010 21:57

I have had quite a fair few kids over for tea during these holidays and if they get down from the table without asking then I will request from them that they ask before they get down as this is what we do in our house.

Today I have my nephew over to sleep, he kept getting down from the table and trying to play when we were still eating( he is 3yo)
so I asked him to stay sitting and to ask if he wanted to leave, he wouldn't ask, he refused so in the end I just said ok then but next time please ask.

AIBU and old fashioned? And I am expecting too much of my nephew (FWIW i also have a 3yo DD and she asks and has asked since she was out of a high chair)

OP posts:

Dansmommy · 28/10/2010 21:59

Hard for a 3 year old to understand if they're not used to it. By about 6 I'd expect them to understand and respect different rules for different houses.

bubbleOseven · 28/10/2010 22:00

Why do they have to ask permission to get down? I don't get it.

alfabetty · 28/10/2010 22:00

YANBU to want children to ask before you leave the table, but many children don't. And if a 3 year old hasn't been taught to ask, or to stay at the table until a meal has finished, he won't understand as a one-off.

My DS (6) has friends over for tea and only 2 of them ask to leave the table, the rest just scarper and expect to come back when the pudding arrives!

Dansmommy · 28/10/2010 22:01

Oh, and YANBU. I see nothing wrong with good old fashioned manners. We don't practise this particular rule in our house but I do expect manners.

alfabetty · 28/10/2010 22:02

Bubble, it's polite to ensure the meal is finished, everyone has finished, before we can all go off to do our own thing. And a 'thank you' to the cook doesn't go amiss!

Depends on whether you see mealtimes as a communal thing - I do.

OhBuggerandArse · 28/10/2010 22:03

bubble, the idea is that everyone should stay sitting together throughout the meal - getting down early requires formal dispensation, thus, they need to ask permission.

bubbleOseven · 28/10/2010 22:05

oh Iagree it's polite to make sure the meal is finished - 3's probably a bit young to understand that though.

Original poster

spybear · 28/10/2010 22:05

If it was up to the children they would have a few mouthfulls and play they maybe come back then play some more....you get the picture

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 28/10/2010 22:06

DS knows to ask, and he is only 2 and still in a highchair.

A mealtime is a communal event, as much about socialising as eating, and therefore it comes to an end when everyone is finished.

If there are visitors, or we are at someone else's house then we do let him get down and play between courses or whatever, but as he gets older we will expect him to sit at the table for longer.

Ragwort · 28/10/2010 22:06

YANBU - good manners and respect for others are very important.

JoBettany · 28/10/2010 22:06

We always had to say 'Please may I leave the table?' when we were little and I think my DB's and I have automatically done the same with our DC's.

I only ever notice at big family meals and would definitely not be bothered about other people's children visiting my house.

I wouldn't want them to be actively rude but I do think if something like that is not important in their home then YABU.

bubbleOseven · 28/10/2010 22:08

Hmmmm, I dunno really. For some people a meal is a formal social event, for some people it's merely a means of inserting calories to prevent malnutrition.

cat64 · 28/10/2010 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

DurhamDurham · 28/10/2010 22:10

Always insisted on this rule, every night during the week we have all sat together to eat and no-one's allowed down before everyone's finished.
Even if it's just the girls eating (if we're going out) they sit at the table together.

All rules out of the window on a Fri and Sat night, we eat in the living room, with plates on a tray or just our laps (we eat rubbish such as pizza, nachos or takeaways on those nights too!)

Original poster

spybear · 28/10/2010 22:10

I do feel a bit bad now, I wont ask him again.

Might bribe him with sweets not to tell his mum as she already thinks im a bit military

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 28/10/2010 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

methsdrinker · 28/10/2010 22:14

3 years isn't to young. If you go from the table then no pudding. Simple. As long as it?s not a marathon dinner that shouldn't be too difficult. Also shut your mouth when chewing. Its not complicated. Sitting at the table should be fun. We always have a joke and a laugh at the table especially if there are friends there.

DinahRod · 28/10/2010 22:19

Think you're right, you can't really expect this from a visiting child, especially at only 3. Can remember posting something similar on MN some years ago about wanting my own children to ask before leaving the table and being told by a MNer, long gone to the other side, it was very m/c pretentious thing to do

[embraces my inner m/c pretentiousness]

pintyblud · 28/10/2010 22:21

YABU. WHy make an issue out of this with small children who just don't do it at their own house? You're making them feel uncomfortable.

MiniMarmite · 28/10/2010 22:25

YANBU

This drives me mad too. My nephews do begrudgingly ask but usually in the middle of the meal before most people have finished eating. They are both older than my DS (2) who has to wait until the meal is over and then ask. I feel like it is unfair to then expect him to do this when the other kids are already playing.

Ragwort · 28/10/2010 22:27

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all - if that is the way you do things at your meal times then it is quite right that visiting children do the same - we had a 3 year old staying with us for a few days recently (long story) - we took him to a restaurant and he threw a tantram over something minor, it would have been easy to 'give in' (horrifed in case some MNers were in the same restaurant ) - but we had to stand firm and wait for the tantram to die down. So long as you explain your 'house rules' I think that is perfectly right - but then I am very old fashioned !

BeenBeta · 28/10/2010 22:28

YANBU. Just good manners. I dont expect children to sit there for hours while adults talk but waiting until everyone has finished does no harm.

methsdrinker · 28/10/2010 22:32

No way is it being pretensions. (Pulls up ones droopy boobs and hitches them under forearms)Its just asking for the little ones to sit and eat have a chat and then toddle off. So i can clear up and do other stuff.

Rather than them coming back every 5 minutes for a bite and then going off again. It?s a rod for your own back. Pees me off when you see some mum following the little precious with a spoon trying to catch a child to feed them for about ½ an hour and then come back an moan that they just don?t eat.

Bollocks to that. You eat at the table. Once your gone its gone. Dead simple.

pintyblud · 28/10/2010 22:38

I think two issues are being confused here.

If you want him to stay at the table until he has finished eating, say that.

Is that what you want or do you want him to ask to leave th etables? Or do you want both?

IHeartKingThistle · 28/10/2010 22:39

I'm amazed that people think 3 is too young to understand to ask before they get down. They are also capable of understanding that different people/settings have different rules and expectations.

DD(3) told me this week that her childminder doesn't like elbows on the table .

Manners are important and need to start early IMO.

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