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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask that THEY ask to leave the table?

79 replies

spybear · 28/10/2010 21:57

I have had quite a fair few kids over for tea during these holidays and if they get down from the table without asking then I will request from them that they ask before they get down as this is what we do in our house.

Today I have my nephew over to sleep, he kept getting down from the table and trying to play when we were still eating( he is 3yo)
so I asked him to stay sitting and to ask if he wanted to leave, he wouldn't ask, he refused so in the end I just said ok then but next time please ask.

AIBU and old fashioned? And I am expecting too much of my nephew (FWIW i also have a 3yo DD and she asks and has asked since she was out of a high chair)

OP posts:

BeccaandEvie · 28/10/2010 22:42

E always asks before getting down. She knows she needs to wait until everyone has finished and that the meal is over, she's 3 and we always eat our main meal at the table. She's always done it.

YANBU IMO, its good manners.

pintyblud · 28/10/2010 22:43

I don't think it's too young to understand. I just see it as a pointless rule. By all means have that rule in your own house but it's one that is going to seem odd to children who never do that.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 28/10/2010 22:44

KingThistle - I agree you have to start early with these things, otherwise they are viewed as horrid rules rather than just the way things are.

Those of you that don't insist on toddlers staying at the table, what happens when you go out for a meal?

DinahRod · 28/10/2010 22:45

No, being 3 is not the issue, being 3 and a guest is. A slightly older child can figure out 'when in Rome' and adjust their behavior accordingly but not sure pursuing a minor social rule with a 3 yr old that their parent doesn't follow is worth it. Think they learn best by example anyway e.g. copying the OP's dcs.

pintyblud · 28/10/2010 22:45

My children have to stay at the table until they have finished but they don't ask for permission to leave it.

atmywitssend · 28/10/2010 22:49

YANBU - this drives me nuts. DC (nearly 3) has been taught to ask to get down and does so really nicely. Unless he's been near his cousins (3 and 5) who never do and and spend the "mealtime" getting up and down / playing / messing around. Grrrrrrrrrr

Jajas · 28/10/2010 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ForMashGetSmash · 28/10/2010 22:52

I am all or good manners but deplore the whole "plase may I get down" business...I think tbh it's the phrase "get down" that irks. The kids are not ON the table...so they cannot get down can they?

I also feel that it's too tyranical to make childen ask if they can leave the table once they have eaten all they want..my own don't ask and the have very nice manners in general.

Mine tend to stick around as they enjoy mealtimes...talking etc. But if one finishes, then in my book it's fine to go away...we're at HOME for goodness sake...not dining in state.

It's also...well....very middle class and a bit misguided....I am working class...so don't think I am looking down on people...but in my opinon it's a misguided sense of what is polite.

When with ones own family, I hope that meals are an enjoyable and social occassion...not some sort of test of manners.

Nospringflower · 28/10/2010 22:53

I'm like pintyblud - I like my children to stay at the table but I dont ask them to say 'Please may I leave' when its time to finish. I think its good manners to stay at a table but as an adult I would never ask to leave so why should a child? I also think that rules change for guests and why insist that guests abide by your rules? Again, with adults you want people to feel comfortable and enjoy being with you not to view it as a manners learning exercise.

Maleeka · 28/10/2010 22:53

We've never had that rule in our house, and i'd probably raise an eyebrow in shock if one of my kids friends asked if they could leave the table!

Its probably the way i was brought up, but i have a very relaxed attitude when it comes to mealtimes, we usually have the tv on and if someone wants to leave the table, all i ask is that they put their plates in the sink on the way

ForMashGetSmash · 28/10/2010 22:54

Oh...and I also allow them to eat however much they want...if they dont want all of it that's fine too! I don't always finish my meals!

thesecondcoming · 28/10/2010 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ForMashGetSmash · 28/10/2010 22:56

Why second? Why make your 3 year old sit while everyone else eats?

IHeartKingThistle · 28/10/2010 23:02

Mash, it is possible that a meal can be sociable, enjoyable AND polite!

pintyblud · 28/10/2010 23:03

it is possible that a meal can be sociable, enjoyable AND polite! Without anyone having to ask if they can leave the table.

ForMashGetSmash · 28/10/2010 23:07

I still do not see why sitting through other people eating is polite. IHeartKingThistle

Now...I DO see that saying please and thank you, having good conversation and not eating with your mouth open are all very important things with regards to manners...but hving to sit at a table and watch everyone else eat when you have finished?

IHeartKingThistle · 28/10/2010 23:10

It wasn't me that said I do that! Mine are allowed to get down before everyone's finished, but they are expected to ask.

Not guilty m'lud!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 28/10/2010 23:10

Mash - so what happens in your house - does the slowest/hungriest person get left behind at the table on their own?

LynetteScavo · 28/10/2010 23:12

My children always ask to leave the table (apart form DD who is pushing the boundaries at the moment and announces loudly "I'm going now!")

They've always said "Thank you for my lovely lunch/tea, please may I get down?" It would be weird if they just wondered off, IMO.

thesecondcoming · 28/10/2010 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ForMashGetSmash · 28/10/2010 23:14

The kids are usually still there long after the adults...they are playing with the flowers or they're just talking and messing around....sometimes an adult gets left behind...but we eat in the kitchen so if a child is still eating they have me for company as I wash up!

And if I or DH is left behind then we are happy to get the peace and will read...it's a rare happening though!

LynetteScavo · 28/10/2010 23:14

Mash....we carry on chatting until everybody had finished. If the DC ask to get down before everyone has finished, I'll ask them to wait.

ForMashGetSmash · 28/10/2010 23:16

Secondcoming...I just trust that if mine stop eating they have had enough. If they get hungry again then they raid the fruit bowl...or ask for some cheese or a peeled carrot. I think that kids have very different metabolisms and go better on 6 small meals than three large. I also think that adults would probably do better on that too!

DinahRod · 28/10/2010 23:16

Meal time is a social occasion - TV is off, we talk and laugh about all sorts. Unlike some friends of ours, we don't angst too much about food intake, but they do stay at the table until we are finished, unless it's a long leisurely meal with friends, and they ask to leave the table. Found this helps when we go out to a restaurant and they stay at the table. Am sure some MNers find this too prescriptive but its just horses for courses.

And just to reiterate re the OP's Q, despite being like this with my own dcs, I wouldn't have bothered with a 3 yr old visiting guest since it's not something that would be replicated at home. Would be just relieved to get through the meal without meltdowns or scraping substances off ceilings.

thesecondcoming · 28/10/2010 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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