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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask that THEY ask to leave the table?

79 replies

spybear · 28/10/2010 21:57

I have had quite a fair few kids over for tea during these holidays and if they get down from the table without asking then I will request from them that they ask before they get down as this is what we do in our house.

Today I have my nephew over to sleep, he kept getting down from the table and trying to play when we were still eating( he is 3yo)
so I asked him to stay sitting and to ask if he wanted to leave, he wouldn't ask, he refused so in the end I just said ok then but next time please ask.

AIBU and old fashioned? And I am expecting too much of my nephew (FWIW i also have a 3yo DD and she asks and has asked since she was out of a high chair)

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 28/10/2010 23:19

Ooh reading at the table, really? God that was such a no-no growing up it is really ingrained in me

My reasons (and I know my parents' reasons too) are pretty much the same as tsc. DS would be up and down, wanting to play with his toys etc etc if we didn't have some rules, and he would hardly eat anything. That then results in requests for toast, bananas, biscuits and who know what else when it comes to bedtime, and that I won't put up with. I don't insist on him finishing his plateful, he regulates his own appetite pretty well, but he does get distracted even if he is hungry.

If DH and I are having a chinwag and a glass of wine, then we don't expect him to sit there obviously.

Jux · 28/10/2010 23:22

We don't make dd wait until we've finished, but we do like her to ask before she leaves. It's polite, good manners. You can't start too early with manners, so I don't think you are BU.

MumBarTheDoorZombiesAreComing · 28/10/2010 23:28

YANBU, yes it may be odd for your DN but I believe at 3yo if he's old enough to refuse to do what your asking then its because he does understand iyswim.

SharonGless · 28/10/2010 23:29

YANBU DD 2.5 knows to ask if she wants to leave the table prior to everyone else finishing their meal.

However if your nephew is not used to this it is slighly unreasonable to expect him to do this without prior warning.

thesecondcoming · 28/10/2010 23:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IloveJudgeJudy · 29/10/2010 12:33

I think you're fine asking your DN to ask before leaving the table. I have a DN who is nearly 7 and he has known from the time that he has been coming to our house that the rules are different here, but he likes to play us all along. I think your sister can have nothing to say if she is happy for you to have her DS overnight.

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 29/10/2010 12:57

They need to ask if they can get down so that you can wipe their hands and face/clear up spilt food before to goes all over the place.

You want to be sure that they have finished eating before you do this.

They need to know that once they have said they have finished, they have finished so they don't just say it in the hope of getting something else.

RockBat · 29/10/2010 13:01

I'm with Nospringflower. Definitely everyone should stay at the table until all are finished but I find the please may I get down rather archaic. DH's family are very big on manners (my lot are more casual at home but know how to behave IYSWIM) and even they don't say it.

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 29/10/2010 13:02

It doesn't matter what words they use. The point is that there be a division between meal time and play time.

LadyInPink · 29/10/2010 13:04

I expect a "thankyou for my lovely dinner/lunch/breakfast etc and please may I leave the table". They have said it since being very small, now they are older I expect help with carrying dishes and laying table too. Manners cost nothing but makes the world a happier place. I have always had great comments on how polite and helpful my Dc are and so that is commending me too.

YADNBU

Fennel · 29/10/2010 13:08

to me the thanking someone who made you a meal, and asking if it's OK to get down, are to do with valuing someone's (often a woman's) unpaid work. If I bother to cook a meal and serve it up, I expect the recipients to acknowledge that. Even at 3 a child can recognise that someone has made an effort, that adults (or women) aren't just there to serve them without recognition.

But I am not surprised when visiting 3 year olds don't conform to this. I expect it of my own but realise other people don't push it. it's my feminist side which makes me enforce this particular thing.

sarah293 · 29/10/2010 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 29/10/2010 13:17

My daughter isn't 3 yet and already helps lay and clear the table. Well, I SAY helps...

Crazycatlady · 29/10/2010 13:31

This thread has come just at the right time. Currently trying to teach 22 month old DD that shoving her empty bowl and cutlery in my general direction, yanking at her bib and whining 'oooouuuuut'...

She does at least recognise she needs to have some kind of approval from an adult to leave the table, but hasn't quite grasped proper end of meal etiquette

BaggyCoconut · 29/10/2010 13:32

I think it is nice to ask to leave the table, we have this rule too.

I would like it if a 3 year old nephew did ask, once we had explained this is what happens in our house. However if he is not used to the rule, I would give it a few meal time visits for him to really get it, as he is young and not used to it. I would just keep up explaining it to him, each time he is having a meal with your family. I am sure he will pick it up in no time if you are consistant and he sees the other children doing the same.

Crazycatlady · 29/10/2010 13:32

...oops, should read 'isn't always going to get the desired reaction' after elipsis!

GeorgeOsborne · 29/10/2010 13:38

My dc do ask if they may leave the table, if they want to get down before we do, but I wouldn't be so prescriptive with a visiting 3yo.

rainbowstardrops · 29/10/2010 13:57

Manners cost nothing and so it is never too early to introduce them but I am always very aware that visiting guests might have different expectations at home.
One of my ds' friends (from a very well spoken family, nice big house etc etc) came to tea once and his manners were appaling! He messed around the whole meal time, standing on the chairs, climing on the table etc. I calmly explained that we don't do that in our house! (This was after I found him walking on my kitchen work surfaces!)
When my dc's friends come here for tea now and get down from the table without asking/being told they can, I explain that if you get down from the table in our house, that means mealtime is over and there are no treats to follow. Usually does the trick
I don't allow elbows on the table whilst eating either. We recently went to a very posh hotel for lunch for my dad's 70th birthday and I was so proud of my children's manners compared to the children of his lady friend's grandchildren, who had their heads propped up by their hands, elbows on the table, eating with just a fork and moaning the whole time about the food.
Manners maketh man (as I had to write out 100 times during detention at secondary school )

Rollmops · 29/10/2010 13:58

YANBU. Our DTs who won't be 3 for couple months, always ask to leave the table. They also use napkins and knives/forks with which much progress is made daily.
Why wait with teaching correct table manners?

jonesy71 · 29/10/2010 14:23

YANBU

My DS2 has been doing this (or mumbling something that sounds like it) since he was just over two, lead by DS1 who was 5 at the time.

I don't think you need to insist with your nephew, but certainly let him know that it's what you do in your house and maybe he'll get the hang of it.

Re the getting down from the table V leaving the table, it's definitely 'leave' the table in our house. My DSS used to say 'can I leave down the table' so I guess he was confused too - soon knocked that out of him

My sister who has grown up children trained her's to say 'and thank you that was lovely, Mummy' even though it was poo and chips for the third time that week (her words not mine).

Mooos · 29/10/2010 14:26

I haven't read all the replies here but I do hope "please may I leave the table" doesn't ever ever stop being said (by children )

Mrsmackie · 29/10/2010 14:57

I think often the things you ask of your own children are often very much based on what you were taught growing up yourself. From a very young age I was told that it was polite to ask 'please may i leave the table' so it is something I have passed on to my daughter (she is only 2.5) To be honest I thought it was quite a normal thing to do but judging by some responses on here it is not! I personally just think it is polite to wait until everyone at the table has finished eating (I wouldn't get up and move into another room if my husband or another family member hadn't finished their meal) Everyone is different though - and as a previous poster said, some people don't see meal-times as a social/family get-together but simply a quick chance to eat what needs to be eaten and then get on with other activities as quickly as possible!

alfabetty · 29/10/2010 15:44

Generally, I think poor table manners and an inability to sit at the table for a meal is a quality of life issue - it has an impact on whether you can go out to eat, attend a family celebration, go on holiday to a hotel, and even enjoy quiet time at home, and a conversation over a meal.

If meal time is always quiet and settled, it becomes second nature. I just don't understand how children even start wandering around, climbing on the table - when mine tried anything like that they went straight in to the high chair. There's NO age when that is OK - when they are babies it is understandable, but still needs to be stopped, there and then.

Whether they 'understand' it's a manners thing or not, they pretty quickly get their head around cause & effect and stop doing it!

Rowgtfc72 · 29/10/2010 16:17

My dd 3.8 has been asking since she was three.I wouldnt expect a visiting 3 yr old to ask if thats not what they do at home but would explain thats what we do or my daughter might wonder why she had to do it!

HecateQueenOfWitches · 29/10/2010 17:32

I find that an "if you leave the table I will assume you have finished eating and your dinner will go in the bin" policy works wonders in training even the smallest child very quickly to stop running around a room mid meal.

And it's all about training, isn't it? Nobody is born knowing the social niceties.

I do feel sad that manners are seen by many as no longer relevent.

The country is going to hell in a handbasket.

No manners, - including no need to say thank you if you don't mean it I've actually read this many times on here! No consideration for others, general selfishness... so many things that combine to make this a worse time to live in.

oh get down from the table and run around the room if you want to, it doesn't matter. Oh don't say please or thank you if you don't want to, it doesn't matter. Oh you don't have to share or play nicely if you don't want to, it doesn't matter. Oh you don't have to speak politely to others if you don't want to, it doesn't matter. Oh I asked you, a child, to do X but you are ignoring me, never mind, it doesn't matter. Oh I said no but you are throwing yourself around so I'll give in, it doesn't matter....

well it does matter. It all matters.

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