To think I should be able to be a SAHM when dh earns 65k

[wishiwas21again]

How much do other sahm's partner's earn?

Unless you have some ridiculously high mortgage you should be extremely comfortable on this income. I work part time, but me, DH and the kids manage on less than 20k combined and run a car albeit an old one, also DH has a motorbike and we have a yearly foreign holiday.

No specific reasons, although most of my female friends feel that their DHs do not do the job of parenting as well as them, partly I suspect because mum makes herself so available and therefore makes dad less needed. None of my friends stay at home because of childcare costs/financial issues, they all chose to stay at home and make finances work around it. They (and I) see it as a nicer option to working. I think they would feel very jealous if their DHs were at home.

I know my DH does slightly resent the fact that he goes to work at a job he does not particularly like while I choose to stay at home, however he knows it would drive him mad in reality. I don't think I would mind DH staying at home if I had a job I loved.

All my friends who choose to stay at home hark on about it being the 'mother's role', however it is just that they prefer it to being at work. (Not devaluing the role of the mother, just pointing out that not everyone who becomes a SAHM does it completely selflessly).

My point in that long rambling section was that the OP does not have a 'right' to be a SAHM just because she wants to and her DH can afford it. She should consider the importance of a SAHP and discuss with her DH whether they consider it valuable and which one of them would be better suited to the role if it is something they agree on.

My DP has said that if I was the higher wage earner, we'd be getting a nanny, there's no way he could be SAHD (doesn't have the patience). He has a good wage & although I'm happy to be SAHM, I would quite like part-time job now DS in full-time school

I think 'doesn't have the patience' is a bit of a cop-out!

My husband would have said the same thing before we had our daughter. It's a bit of a glib thing to say.

He since chose to stay at home (keeping his hand in at work though) and loves the time he spends with our daughter. He is so into it it is untrue, he's calm, loving, patient, takes her to somewhere exciting every day, slings her for every nap (even at 2 yrs), teaches her about the world and basically eats/lives/sleeps the experience.

We all 'don't have the patience' at times. We all have varying temperaments and ambitions and careers but I fail to see why a dedicated father cannot put his all into looking after a small child. Just like a mother.

We all (as women) have to rise to the challenge -- why can't a man?

I am not showing off, I can state that categorically

Yes I am fortunate to be reasonably comfortable financially and have this choice. However I have trodden a long and difficult path to get here (abusive adoptive parents, had very little as a kid, lost my birth mother as a teenager, self harmed etc)

I put myself through university by working night shifts at the weekends when everyone else was out getting pissed. I am not moaning but if I would want to show off about anything, it would be escaping an abusive and poor childhood to get to where I have today . I do not show off about money. I suppose I am enjoying a breather from the career thing and being with my kids. But as anyone will from a difficult background will tell you, guilt seems to come hand in hand with happiness.

OK have finally read the whole thread and can see that your question was 'Can we get by on one salery of £65k?'. Yes, you probably can.

You might have to cut back on the solid-gold Weetabix of a morning but I think you could probably scrape by, yeah.

In answer to the OP. My DH is a SAHD and I earn less than half. (Will now read thread).

I guess it's a personal choice. I prefer to work and my partner earns the same as yours. I don't work full time at the moment because youngest is 22 months and the childcare (both cost and logistics) would be a nightmare - but I am really looking forward to applying for a decent job when he goes to school in a couple of years. I have family and friends who love being SAHM's and my sister would love too but can't. We are all different and if it is something that you really want to do and your DH is happy too, then go ahead.

Bek x

purplewednesday

"so if your DH is a high rate earner does that mean that some of his salary (up to the tax threshold) is paid to you to offset his tax bill...."

what do you mean by this? married couples tax allowance was scrapped some time ago. OP's DH pays the same tax whether OP is working or not.

But personal allowances have not been scrapped, the first 6.5k or so of your earnings are tax-free.

I do sort of understand the whole guilt thing, although I've never felt it myself. Yes, I barely contribute to the household income (bits and bobs here and there), but I have saved DH a small fortune in childcare costs, housekeeping, gardening, book-keeping etc. etc. I have enabled him to have a pretty damn comfortable and easy life, and meanwhile I'm quite happy with my life. I see no reason to feel guilty about it.

So I don't think you should feel guilty at all, as long as you're happy being at home. And of course £65K is enough. The only caveats I have is that the longer you step out of working life, the harder it is to get back on board, and the fact that all your financial eggs are in one basket. If your DH gets made redundant or whatever, you have no fall-back. Those are the issues which have always worried me, personally.

Personal allowances have not been scrapped but these allowances cannot be used to offset tax between a married couple.

some people who are self employed and earn enough to pay high rate tax will "pay" their spouses for some made up non existant job, so that the spouse pays no tax (or basic rate tax) rather than that sum of money being taxed a the higher rate. It is a very common thing to do among accountants; the partners certainly tend to have self employed status. After all, the whole point of an accountant is that they have the knowledge about tax and how not to pay it if it can be helped...

This is a legal loophole that, IMO, is taking the piss. I have a friend whose DH is a tax accountant and they do this (she doesn't work).

Sorry haven't read full thread as it's long, but I can't say YABU or YANBU as the OP doesn't say what your and your family's expenses are!

Depends on your outgoings really and how you like to live. Dh earns slightly more than that and I am a SAHM. We have a large mortgage (273k - hurts me to even say it!), 2 DCs. Our car is old, we holiday on alternate years, I budget for everything and we have some debt (credit card couple of thousand). The only things we do without are the extras we would like: nicer car, more frequent holidays, stuff being done on house and building some savings. All the rest is covered but only if I budget. The luxuries we have (along with the holiday) are nice food, playgroup twice a week and ballet lessons for DD, and going out (about once a month we go out for a meal and get a babysitter in which round here is ££). DH goes out with his friends at least once a week and I get my highlights done every 6 weeks. . If we were to sacrifice those luxuries we would be able to clear the credit cards and over pay our mortgage (thats got me thinking). However, comapred to what life was like pre DCs we have given up alot!

When we had DS1 DH earned 15k
DS2 about 17k

But we decided that we did not want to farm our children out to others to raise them, so we had a old car and no posh holidays.

DH earns half of that and I'm a SAHM and we have a comfortable life. Not sure how you can't live a comfortable life on £65k though, and be a SAHM??

The thing that is so so soul-destroying about these threads, is that I see women fixating on their DH/DP's earnings instead of going out and earning themselves.

Go out, find work that's fun and earn money yourselves! You might find you yourself could earn far more than £65k. Many women do.

Why do people always think that if only you would not have holidays and new cars you could manage. We have an old car, cheap UK holidays and watch the pennies and both still have to work (albeit P/T) and we are not on a pittance. OTOH I could manage on 65k, but there are still wider issues to consider.

I'm a sahm at the mo. (have 4 DC 3 under 5 so financially no point working)

• DH earns about £25,000 we get by well. No money for much else than living but thats ok.

I am at uni too, which costs alot but though is only about a day a week part time keeps me sane.

I love being a SAHM at the mo. (I've done P/t and F/t) but realise that all too soon they will go.

Dh does get a bit fed up sometimes that he works all the time but he likes that the kids are with me most of the time, and appreciates it wont be for that long (about 2 years til I work ) it will go fast and I won't look back and regret I never did it.

ps 65 grand is loads

i am curious as to how some families manage on relatively little cos I just can't make those sums work!

But being a SAHM is a job! If you did not do it, you would have to employ other people to pay what you earn to them and maybe to clean your house.
But it was still YOUR job in the first place.

Clearly most families manage on less than £65k so this is a bit of a dim witted question imo.

Yes you can manage fine, why did you need to ask?

You need a planned expenditure budget to show how you would manage; try moneysavingexpert.com