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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be able to be a SAHM when dh earns 65k

149 replies

wishiwas21again · 27/10/2010 23:24

How much do other sahm's partner's earn?

OP posts:
zerominuszero · 28/10/2010 11:34

I wonder if me and my dh are a little different in that we both earn almost the same amount both in the mid to high 20s. Were having our first baby next year and its going to kill us going on mat leave but well find a way somehow. I'm going to go back to work either for three or four days a week and use nursary quite a lot. We will probably have to apply for a mortgage holiday at some point. But having said all that, its sort of our own fault as we live in quite an expensive area in the south fast.

Original poster
wishiwas21again · 28/10/2010 11:40

Only not been working for a few months

I am ashamed to admit I have no clue about our finances. I couldn't even tell you what our mortgage is Shock

I will probably get slated for it but dh is an accountant so I am happy to let him deal with all the money Blush

He seems happy enough to be the sole earner at the moment and assures me we can afford for me not to work

So where does the guilt come from? I suppose I just feel I should be earning. Like others have said here I do worry what would happen if he lost his job, unlikely but never impossible.

I am just not very good when it comes to do with anything with money (upbringing I think). I panic at the slightest hint of having to cut back. Not because I can't live without (I did not have a priveledged childhood it was abusive and I had little) but because I think the worst. On the other hand I bury my head in the sand, it would help if I sat down and discussed it properly with dh and understood our finances better

OP posts:
Rosettaroo · 28/10/2010 11:51

I think if you want to be a SAHM and can manage on one wage then do it. My mate did this, she gave up a wage of about 40k per year,and she loves it, she earnt more than her DH. I work part time which is a great balance for me and my family.

To wishiwas21again, I won't slate you but for your own sake find out about your household finances.

CerealOffender · 28/10/2010 11:52

you will feel more in control if you know about finances.

i gave up work this year and understand about the guilt. but what is the point in feeling guilty. embrace not working or go back.

Original poster
wishiwas21again · 28/10/2010 12:15

good points rosettaroo and cerealoffender

OP posts:
40deniertights · 28/10/2010 13:12

I think guilt is just part of the parenting package OP! Whatever you decide it will lurk there on your shoulders! Personally if I could I would have given up, but no matter how many times I did the sums they never worked out (just over a third of your DH and I earn more)

You could always go back for three months or so and see how you get on, live on your DH wages, and then give up work or discuss P/T. Might be easier than giving up and trying to go back. We found P/T term time works well for us.

MrsGhoulOfGhostbourne · 28/10/2010 13:32

As others have said, depends on outgoings and aspirations. There was a thread the other day with a SAHM of four (!) complaining how poor she felt - people gave lots of practical advice - offers of free clothes etc but she really just had an overgrown sense of entitlement and wanted to have what other people who had chosen fewer/no children had.
Definitely save a lot of outgoings by not working - eg better able to economise on food, no travel costs, less clothing costs etc but heating bill cost more...

DialMforMother · 28/10/2010 14:13

When I become a SAHM next year (because now It's still mat leave) we will lose approx 60% of our household income. We moved into our house and doubled our mortgage last November so this is a bit of an issue. But I think where there's a will there's a way: we also have a big lovely spreadsheet and we have had to give up lots of things. Sometimes I think giving up a career which is really very secure in these troubled times is very very stupid.

However when I feel sorry for myself for having to decide whether I really need that coffee or see friends with fantastic new toys for their dcs, I think about my niece who is a single mother to a dc of ten and earns minimum wage in a care home. I really have no problems at all.

MaryPoop · 28/10/2010 14:28

First time poster here.

Interesting to read posts from SAHM's about this topic. I was saying to a friend recently that I seriously applaud anyone who stays at home to bring kid(s) up. It's the hardest job I can imagine.

I'm a single Mum, don't get any financial (or otherwise) support from DS's father.

I am self employed, earn up to around £90k when I'm working. Zlich if I'm not working, which is a concrete risk these days.

I budget very carefully to ensure that money for anything other than necessary outgoing's is put into savings for the inevitable chunk of time spent out of work, when I will still need to cover childcare and general outgoings.

It's hard and scary.

lorelilee · 28/10/2010 14:29

OP - my OH is a SAHD, with me being the breadwinner. We live in the West of Scotland and have a reasonably comfortable life (2 cars, one holiday a year) and I earn @ £34K. However, we currently have no mortgage and are waiting to sell and buy a bigger house, so imagine we'll have to cut back then. It's just hilarious when I think back 5 years ago, pre kids and living in London, DH and I were on a combined salary of @ £80K. Our lives are very different now, but no less happy.

MaryPoop · 28/10/2010 14:30

Zilch, even. I think I prefer the term 'zlich' now though.

Serendippy · 28/10/2010 14:37

What if your DH want to be a SAHD?

I know many women who want to be a/ are SAHM, but they all admit they would not want to go out to work and their DP stay at home. Nobody has the entitlement to be a SAHP unless it is something you both agreed to before children.

otchayaniye · 28/10/2010 17:35

" but they all admit they would not want to go out to work and their DP stay at home"

Do they? My husband is a SAHD (well, he also fits in two night shifts but my daughter is asleep so doesn't know!) and very happy to do this. And I'm very happy for him to do this. We didn't agree to this before children, as a month before I gave birth we were hiring a nanny.

sinead80 · 28/10/2010 18:28

I dont think it has much to do with what your husband earns, its about the lifestyle you want and if you want to be a SAHM. If people want to maintain a particular standard of living then finances are part of this. If you dont and you can give up certain things then that is the choice you make. A lot of it depends on your mortage payments, outgoings etc so overall standard of living and what it takes to sustain that, or if you are bothred about sustaining it and would rather be a SAHM and not have the trappings you are used to?

pintyblud · 28/10/2010 18:42

There's no 'should' about it.

Does your dh not want to be sole breadwinner?

louii · 28/10/2010 18:43

I have been a SAHM and DP would be earning around 13,000. We managed fine.

CerealOffender · 28/10/2010 18:44

bringing up children is not the hardest job in the world, that is such a load of guff

Rocky12 · 28/10/2010 18:45

I'll throw some initial thoughts in here.

Please forgive the bullet points but thought it might be easier.

  1. Can your DH handle the pressure of being the breadwinner? What if he lost his job, are you able to take up employment again?
  1. What happens if God forbid you split up. You will have been out of the job market, how would you get another role.?
  1. What are your ambitions for your children, private schools, nice holidays, money to treat them or is your DH salary enough?
  1. What will you do once your children are at school (tin at the ready!) but what happens when the children start full time school? I see most of the Mums who dont work when I do the school run having coffees in Costa as I drive past.
  1. Will you be bored?
  1. What about money you spend on yourself. I would HATE to have to justify that I had just paid £40 for a Clairns face cream.

My DH earns well in excess of this but we have chosen to have two cars, to go down the private school route, and who like to have a couple of holidays every year but boy do we work for it. The childcare costs are tailing off now as the children are older but I dont regret going to back to work full time for a moment.

waterlooroadisadocumentary · 28/10/2010 20:02

If you find being a SAHP one of the hardest things in your life you are one of the following:

  1. Not cut out for it so go back to work everyone will be happier
  2. You are doing it wrong
  3. You have had a very easy life

I have no axe to grind, I have been a SAHM and my DH works part time so he is almost a SAHP.

StandingOnTheWorldAlone · 28/10/2010 20:52

I think sometimes being a sahm is one of the hardest things and I would say if you don't understand that then you are

  1. a natural with an abundance of patience
  2. not someone who has had a multiple birth
  3. not someone whose child has had medical difficulties resulting in constant care, stress and worry.
  4. a saint
  5. someone who had help from family and friends
  6. only has one of two children with a good gap in between.
  7. someone who lacks empathy!
  8. someone who never suffered from PND

It's not always the hardest job in the world but sometimes, some days, some weeks and some months it is.

Serendippy · 28/10/2010 21:03

otchayaniye Yes, they all want to be the one to stay at home. Nobody I know would rather go to work and have their DH stay at home. I don't know any SAHDs and I do know some couples where the woman earns more than the man so would be financially sensible.

Just wanted to put the message across that although the OP would rather stay at home with the children than go to work, her DH might feel the same.

2rebecca · 28/10/2010 21:16

My bloke would like to be a SAHD but I'm not keen. The kids are old enough now that he isn't needed at home and I worry his brain would atrophy and he'd spend all day on the computer and lounging around and we'd end up with me resenting going to work, possibly not respecting him as much, and the power balance of our relationship would shift.

I suspect some husbands of potential SAHMs have similar worries.

purplewednesday · 28/10/2010 22:07

so if your DH is a high rate earner does that mean that some of his salary (up to the tax threshold) is paid to you to offset his tax bill....

I think you are showing off. There are a lot of SAHM coping admirably well on signficantly less income. You could easily do the odd bank shift at the weekend so you don't have to pay for childcare which would give you a bit of financial independence and enable you to keep up your registration, which, IMO, you would be mad to let go.

otchayaniye · 28/10/2010 22:15

Serendippy - I'm just asking out of interest (because I'm guessing I have a relatively unusual set-up), what reasons do they give for not wanting their partners to care for the children?

I'm curious.

waterlooroadisadocumentary · 28/10/2010 22:15

Serendipity my DH blends being a SAHP with some part time work from home. When we have enough money saved we will be trying for a baby and fully intend for DH to be the SAHP.

2rebecca I am sure there are just as many feckless mothers as fathers. I respect my husband and him staying at home has nothing to do wit that.

Purple I don't thin the OP is showing off, our income is higher than the OP and at present we could not fund on of us to stay at home, hence the frantic saving.