To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

OK, altinkum, we get it. You disagree with QS's comment.

Is it possible to move on?

YANBU to want her to have an abortion.

However, it has to be her decision, the one which she will be able to live with. I totally understand that for you it wouldn't be the easiest situation if she decides to keep it but is this not one of the 'joys' of parenting, trying our best to steer them in the right direction but dealing with whatever they throw at us.

Please, please don't book an appointment and take her against her will or without explaining things to her, I've seen the fallout from a teen who had an abortion due to parental pressure and she's currently on a path of complete destruction.

Near the Arctic in Quints case, Belgium is obviously not near the Arctic.

altinkum, I am not really going into a debate with you, but please stop misrepresenting what I am saying, and stop twisting it to make it sound "scandalous". You are coming across rather unhinged.

If you really care about my opinion, I suggest you reread my posts.

My comments should be read in connection with the fact that I dont actually believe the child in question really wants motherhood.

If you think it wrong to force this child to have an abortion against her will, imagine what it would do to her to just accept straight out that she "wants to keep it" without really investigating if this is what the child really wants. Instead of forcing an abortion on her, you would be forcing a child and motherhood on her. Is that right? Or preferable?

To me, it does not sound like the child really wants the baby, but that she is in panic.

I also think that she is too young and immature to make this decision herself. She is below the age of consent, and for that reason she cannot possibly be able have realised she want the baby. It does not sound like it, from the way the OP is describing the girls behaviour.

Because her only real choice, Onetoomany, is to leave. To split up her family, if she does not want provide childcare for this baby.

That will impact her children, too.

Tess, my neice had a baby when she was 15, pregnant at 14. She told my brother when she was just over 7 months. No-one noticed as she wore baggy clothes and wasn't that big anyway. Her mother wanted her give the baby up for adoption, but my brother and his new wife wanted her to keep the baby. That was nearly 3 years ago. She kept the baby and is a wonderful mother. She went back to school and the baby went to daycare to support this. Her mother adores her granddaugher and is delighted her daughter kept her. She now has a small flat of her own with the baby's father. They do struggle financially as they are still both in Education but are doing great jobs as parents. It's not a situation that my brother would have liked, but he's now very proud of how things have turned out.

You know, I think it would be very worthwhile booking an appointment. Nobody is going to force this child to have a termination. What they can do is help dispel some of the myths that abound.

'However, it has to be her decision, the one which she will be able to live with.' I'm sorry, but it has to be one the whole family will have to be able to live with, or do they not count?

Jenai - precisely.

Torturesinahalfshell - yes, i think it is worthy of exclamation marks and . But there are also a number of other posters who seem to advocate at least a degree of coercion which I find as shocking.

Childrens rights are there for a reasons - they protect from forced marriages, forced FGM and, yes, forced abortions, among many other things. We all raise our hands in shock at the first two but somehow the third is seen as borderline morally acceptable by some posters. Personally, I do find that pretty barbaric.

Followinf this thread with interest and I feel for you and your stepdaughter TessoftheDamned.

Scaryteacher the situation in Belgium isn't quite so simple - from the age of 15 a child can apply to the courts to be totally autonomous from their parents and if the judge agrees, the child will then be treated as an adult and the parents no longer have any responsibility.

I'll respect it when the person who takes the decision takes full responsibility for it.

Can you find a teenage mum who would be willing to talk to DSD about her day to day life? A HV might be able to put you in touch with someone?

fwiw I had an abortion at 19, it was my decision and my parents didn't even know for years. I was upset about it for a while, but I've never ever regretted my decision. Abortions aren't necessarily traumatic.

TessoftheDamned - There is a reality series on MTV called '16 and Pregnant' and a follow up called 'Teen mom'. These give a realistic picture of life with a baby for teenagers who get pregnant. Watching them might focus your dsd mind a bit.
Good luck

Expat - part of being a parent is supporting your children when things go wrong for them. Whether cancer, accidents or a teenage pregnancy. Perhaps even more so for a pregnancy because sex education is a parent's responsibility. Yes, children need to take responsibility for their actions as they grow up but parents shouldn't have the right to wash their hands just because the child makes a decision the parents disagree with. Haven't we moved on from kicking young unmarried mums out of home?

OK, I'm going to post my opionion, even though I know the OP and others won't like it.

This girl has no idea what it means to have a baby to look after. Hell, I didn't understand what it was going to be like to have a baby relying on me 24/7 when I was 26, and had lots of experience of caring for babies. Babies that at the end of the day could be handed back. I remember thinking when DS1 was a few months old "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy" and he was a much wanted, and much loved baby.

So obviously a lot of talking and educating needs to be done pretty quickly with the DSD. I'm not talking about presuring her into an abortion, but giving her an idea of the realities. Educating her about the cost of raising a child, and what she will have to forgo if there is another child in the house.

I also think that when you are a parent you have to suck up, as far as possible what is thrown at you. This applies to TessoftheDamned, and her DH. Thier underage daughter is pregnant, and if the pregnancy is continued, then they will have to care for the baby. I'm pretty sure from what the OP has posted she wants the absolute best for her family, and knows that this is the only real solution if the pregnancy continues. It may have not been part of their life plan, but they'll just have to get on and deal with it.

It's not that I don't feel for you, OP, and I pray I'm never in your situation. But at the end of the day, after all avenues have been explored, I think you know that's the reality. It doesn't mean you are not quite entitled to scream and shout about the unfairness of it all, though.

Mj - I have a 12.5 year old and this thread has really challenged what I thought. There is no way any child of mine is ever going to feel they must move out. Whatever they bring in to this house will stay in this house and I will give of myself to make that happen. I didn't realise how strongly I felt this but to me that is parenting - empowering the child to live independantly but being there as back up. I really hope never to find myself in the op's position but I have three daughters and one mus be realistic. If it happened we would deal with it together. I've changed my life plan once because of an unplanned though never unwanted pregnancy. I can do it again.

LynetteScavo - I agree. It's a difficult situation for all involved, and if the DSD still decides to go and have the baby, then I think TessoftheDamned and her dh would find it very hard not to give her any support at all.

Lynette - I like your opinion! I agree the girl doesn't have all the information but I respect her gut instinct