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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to be a stay at home mum?

83 replies

mummybooboo · 22/10/2010 20:14

I've name changed for this but am a long time lurker, part time poster ...

I am serious - I have 1 ds who is growing up far too fast for my liking (currently he's 2!), my dh works away A LOT and I am fed up with having to deal with the house, ds and work (albeit part time). My job is my pre-pg one but without any responsibilities (i.e. dull but paid quite well, I would get the same pay elsewhere ... :-()

We could afford to live on dh's salary - if I didn't spend as much (which I do because I feel I deserve it as I am so hard done by mostly!)

Is it so bad to want to be a SAHM? Please give me reasons why I should just put up with having to do it all ....

OP posts:

YouGirl · 22/10/2010 20:17

Why would you ask "Is it so bad to be a SAHM"? as though there were some slight stink about it? Have you heard negative things about it from people close to you? Or has DH said things?

LadyLatherOfIndecision · 22/10/2010 20:18

wrt your career - the off ramp is easy, the rejoin ramp can be terribly hard to get up

it's up to you, there are benefits and drawbacks for each scenario

perhaps you are 'stale' in your current job, which could be feeding your vague dissatisfaction - can you apply for a promotion, take on a new role, retrain within the organisation?

DwainRooney · 22/10/2010 20:21

If you can afford it then go for it.Just try to spend less
It was the best thing I ever did becoming a SAHD

I now have a life of coffee mornings,toddler groups and monthly meals out with the SAHMs I know

oh and a bit of housework now and again

Hassled · 22/10/2010 20:22

Could you go part time for a while if it's all too much at the moment? Two year olds are bloody hard work and I do sympathise, but if you step off the career ladder for too long it's very very hard to get back on it. And if your DH lost his job you'd be stuck - at least with PT some of the burden is shared.

Original poster

mummybooboo · 22/10/2010 20:24

Hi YouGirl - my dh thinks it sets a bad example as it's good for our child to see me work. I can see that pov but also love the idea of being at home to nurture him and enjoy him when he wants me. I get all sad when I see school children walking on their own to school as it will be him soon enough :-(

LLOI - I know about the ramp. But ... my present job is dull and ploddy (with no chance of promotion/change unless I would consider going back full time). If I work, I need to work there because of the money IYSWIM?!

OP posts:

mazzystartled · 22/10/2010 20:27

Honestly?

I would try to revive your job, or your interest in it.

Original poster

mummybooboo · 22/10/2010 20:27

DwainRooney - I would love to but my dh is against it :-(

Hassled - I only work pt at the moment - and it is STILL hard. Instead of seeing it as nice to have time away from my lo, it means I have to get up earlier, deal with lo - getting him to nursery (dealing with screaming etc.), working a full day in dull, but full-on job (and don't get me started about my boss!), collecting son, feeding, bathing and putting him to bed. It's hard enough on days when he sleeps through the night but hen he doesn;t and I have been up for a few hours at night ... bleughhh ....

OP posts:

Original poster

mummybooboo · 22/10/2010 20:29

mazzystartled - really? How do I do that? Part of me obviously thinks that else I would have told dh straight that I am leaving. I think I am having a blip ...

OP posts:

MrsC2010 · 22/10/2010 20:32

YANBU. Husband would need to be behind you though if he becomes sole earner, although the fact he is never there gives you slightly more clout as he isn't there to help with the family.

jellybeans · 22/10/2010 20:33

YANBU I gave up my job after DD2 and have loved every day of being a SAHM! It actually saves money in many ways..

RevoltingPeasant · 22/10/2010 20:37

Is there any way to do CPD or similar whilst on a career break so that you could return if you wanted in 5 years?

If not you do need to think carefully; how secure is DH's job, e.g.?

But of course you should do what makes you, DS, and DH happy!

Original poster

mummybooboo · 22/10/2010 20:40

Thanks all.

I knew there would be mixed views but I am really struggling and really can't see me staying in my current job will stand me in any good stead when I want to return full time. Things aren't looking great for the survival of my company so by the time I want to return full time I am not sure it will still be going and I will just have a ploddy, pt job (albeit extraordinarily - for what it is - well paid!) on my CV.

We want to have a dc2 but I wanted to get sorted before having to resort to that as an excuse ;D

OP posts:

asouthwoldmummy · 22/10/2010 20:41

Surely you can set a good example by going back to work when he goes to school. I love every part of being a SAHM. The extra money we'd get from me working would be nice, but my view is that DS will only be young once and I don't want to miss any of it.

If you decide to be a SAHM, when he's older you won't regret the time you spent with him. But once he's grown up you can't get that time back again.

Original poster

mummybooboo · 22/10/2010 20:44

RevoltingPeasant - not sure what CPD is - off to Google.

If truth be told, I am unhappy doing what I do and want to do something exciting and dynamic (but can't think of what to do/ that I can do ...) :-(

DH's job is fairly secure - and if he lost it then we would have to move anyway for him to get another one (he works in a very specialised area). Me working pt wouldn't pay our bills and I would have to move with him ...

OP posts:

DwainRooney · 22/10/2010 20:45

mummybooboo
Yes I can imagine how hard you are finding it. Some people think it is easy lookng after chldren but if your working as well that makes it harder

Original poster

mummybooboo · 22/10/2010 20:47

asouthwoldmummy - you have just summed up how I feel perfectly!

I don't not want to work per se but just love being with him. Perhaps that's my opening bargain with dh. And, while home I can try and decide what I want to do (really) and work to be in a position to do it when ds (or dc2) goes to school ...

OP posts:

asouthwoldmummy · 22/10/2010 20:49

Is there any way you could start your own business working from home, depending on your skills/what you do now?

My friend has recently started an events planning business from home, her DS spends one morning a week at nursery and she does the rest in the evenings.

AllOverIt · 22/10/2010 20:50

I gave up work and became a SAHM when I had DD. I worked all the way through with DS but it became such a nightmare as it wasn't the type of job you could leave at work and had many hours of stuff to do in evenings and weekends.

I love being a SAHM (though I'm not saying that it's all positive, there are days where I feel like I'm going INSANE and I'm desperate to talk to other adults). It works for us as DH works long hours, has a huge amount of responsibility at work. If we were both competing for time at the weekend, we'd never see the DC.

I will return to work when DD is in school full-time. Until then, I'm trying to make the most of the time I have twith the DC.

tribpot · 22/10/2010 20:51

Sorry, but for me the excuse of setting a bad example is utter bollocks, and I am a full-time WOHM. My mum was a full-time SAHM. Did I think "that looks crap, I'll do the opposite"? No I flipping well didn't. I made the choice that was right for me, my family and my circumstances - and so did my mum.

Of course you need to consider the longer term picture, maybe you need to think about retraining? But it absolutely isn't wrong to want to be a SAHM.

Original poster

mummybooboo · 22/10/2010 20:51

DwainRooney - thanks for the sympathy - it's just what I need at the moment :)

My dh and his family all say that I should be glad to work as it gives me time away from ds (dh works away a lot - about half the year abroad, sometimes for weeks on end and we have no family closer than 4 hours drive away so don't see them much!) I could do with some time to myself, it's true, but working in my current job with the battle to get up and out in time is not really what I think of time to myself ... SIL has told me and my dh that she thinks I am lazy because I think like this but she had her parents living around the corner from her when she had her dd and she didn't have to worry about nursery etc. Part of me is starting to think she is right (but she is NOT!)

OP posts:

llareggub · 22/10/2010 20:52

I think it helps to look beyond the immediate to the school years, where your children will become increasingly independent. What do you see yourself doing when they get to school age and beyond? What about your pension?

violethill · 22/10/2010 20:53

'Please give me reasons why I should just put up with having to do it all ....'

I think you need to get rid of that notion for starters. No one can 'have it all' or 'do it all'. However, being a parent in paid employment is perfectly do-able, and can be hugely rewarding - not just in monetary terms.
I agree with the idea that you should look to revitalise your career, if that's the issue. A dull job is going to be a dull job whether your child is 2, 22, or 42! You owe it to yourself to be more inspired by what you do. Also, remember that it can be really hard to move back into work after a break. You may be desperate to get back in a few years!
And finally... all parents love being with their children, being a working parent doesn't change that. I adored being with mine - you don't enjoy it any less just because you spend some of your life at work too.

If after considering everything, you and your DH agree that you should stay home, (and it needs to be a joint agreement as it's a big decision) then fine, but think it through carefully first.

Original poster

mummybooboo · 22/10/2010 20:55

OK, in my head, it's clear - IDEALLY, I would be a SAHM while dc (would like another ...) are at home and retrain/decide what else I can/want to do for when dc go to school.

How do I convince dh? I feel so hard done by as I do everything. He just says that he works full time so I have it easy. Grrrr .... (The few occassions he has been left alone with ds, he knows how hard work it is but conveniently forgets. I know his job is hard too but ...)

OP posts:

RevoltingPeasant · 22/10/2010 20:56

sorry mummybooboo,

CPD = continuing professional development. Like, doing courses or similar (might be through Open Uni/ online/ pt at local further ed college) in order to keep your CV alive whilst not actually working.

AllOverIt · 22/10/2010 20:58

Have you thought about staying on until you leave when you have DC2? You could still claim SSP and then become a SAHM?

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