To want to be a stay at home mum?

[mummybooboo]

I've name changed for this but am a long time lurker, part time poster ...

I am serious - I have 1 ds who is growing up far too fast for my liking (currently he's 2!), my dh works away A LOT and I am fed up with having to deal with the house, ds and work (albeit part time). My job is my pre-pg one but without any responsibilities (i.e. dull but paid quite well, I would get the same pay elsewhere ... :-()

We could afford to live on dh's salary - if I didn't spend as much (which I do because I feel I deserve it as I am so hard done by mostly!)

Is it so bad to want to be a SAHM? Please give me reasons why I should just put up with having to do it all ....

I think your DH needs to be contributing more to the family than just money. It sounds like he feels that as long as the money is there then his job is done. Sorry, but there is more to being a family than that. I think you need to have a serious chat about what you each contribute to the family and how you can make that more equitable. Maybe that means you becoming a SAHM, maybe that means having more help around the home so the house isn't just your responsibility. But talking just about money isn't the be all and end all.

I know what you mean about your career taking a back seat to his, but perhaps he honestly doesn't see that as a sacrifice you made. I did the same - got a decent but not all that stretching job pre children. We had always planned on me being a SAHM, so in my mind, the jobs I got were just bringing in extra money to save so that we wouldn't miss the income too much when I left. The problem was that it was in my mind and because I didn't really talk to DH about it, he saw something completely different - that I just wasn't all that ambitious. I think a lot of misunderstandings come from people assuming that others see things in the way they do - but unless you spell things out that is rarely the case.

Thanks all. Some more interesting views.

camdancer - I agree, dh's perception is a lack of ambition on my part (perhaps that's true - I always wanted children and he knew that) and for us to have a chance I had to take the jobs I did. I am hoping now that ds is getting a bit older he will do more with him. e loves him but struggled to relate to him as a baby I think. He seems happier to do things with him now he's capable of doing things himself (I live in hope ...)

Although I have no family locally, I do have a number of friends (mostly without children) so I do get a lot of adult conversation and would carry on seeing a few of my friends from work.

Lots to think about ....

Thanks again

I went through this same kind of angst every academic year ( am a part-time teacher) before my son started school and also have a DH who works away a lot and does little around the house.

I think a lot of it depends on how easily you think you will be able to find the kind of employment you want when you return to work.

I knew that I only wanted to work part-time until my children had finished secondary school, and I also know that part-time teaching jobs (in schools where I would want to work) are hard to find.

I am now through the other side of it and enjoying the rewards of my decision to keep working (I have plenty of time to do the housework, time for myself, I have a job I enjoy, bring money into the home, and my children have a mum at home all the time when they aren't at school) but it WAS hard getting there. TBH if I were to do it again (got pg again), I'm not sure I would.

I have other teacher friends how took a full 5-6 years off to be SAHMs when there children were young and then returned to work full-time and very career orientated. Ulimately, they will have earned considerably more than me but I think I will have spent more time with my children (as I plan to be there after school almost every day).

There is definitely no right and wrong - just what is right for you, your current situation and your future goals.

Oh how I hate not being able to edit my posts for spelling mistakes!

There are two things here.
The first is that it sounds not as if you actively want to stay at home, but that you are bored at work. That is surely something you can do something about.

The secodn is that your DH is not supportive. And I think it's imperative that every family work as a team.
If he does not want to be the sole breadwinner, then that is understandable. Would you want that responsibility? In this climate?

I dont think its a bad thing at all, After all we want to see them grow up and treasure every moment so I would have been really dissapointed if I had been working and missing this :)

I am a sahm to a 3 yr old atm and we are fine on dps wages not living in luxury but not poor either we make do but I am feeling more and more presure to get a job now as I have 1 child and am not intrested in another atm people just assume I do nothing all the time and my life is easy as they have more children etc which is completley untrue :)

If you are happy continue to be a sahm I love it and wouldnt have changed anything and when I do go back to work I am hoping something will come up that I could do pt in school hours although Im sure Ill find this impossible as I want to be there for my ds anytime he needs me :)

To be honest, I think if you work two days a week that is not a big ask. I was a SAHM for five years while my two were pre-school and while I acknowledge that it must be hard work to do two days away from your ds you may also find yourself crawling the walls once the novelty of your new life has worn off and you feel you have to justify every expenditure! Believe me, if you like treats and luxuries now, you will as a SAHM, and if your dh resents you he will especially resent you spending what he will probably consider 'his' money on fripperies. I'm not saying that is how he will think, but reading between the lines here it sounds as if he may be the type of man that thinks that way.

I remember finding SAHM-ing was utterly exhausting too - just in a different way. The grass is often always greener. Two days a week on a good wage is not something to be taken for granted and I think you are looking a gift horse in the mouth!

TheBolter - you are right in many ways.

I know that my job is a gifthorse - and should be ideal but I am SO bored by it and that - along with other things - is affecting my motivation and probably standard of work. I have really tried to 'buck my ideas' up but don't know how I can make it work for me. I know it is only for a few years but it is SO hard. I think the pressure of thinking it's all down to me is worse than the actual day to day responsibility.

My ds is in the nursery at work so it is as easy as it can be ... if I change jobs I will have to find another nursery and take a pay cut. I think I feel trapped and that adds to my negativity over the job :(

mummybooboo, I wish you every luck in making your choice and I hope that you eventually make the right one.

I work pt too, and while I love my job but I do in all honesty prefer my days off at home! But I know that if I had to be at home every day I would be missing work too as I feel work gives me an outlet to the intensities of the school run, the domestic chores, the social interactions with other mums, issues at school etc...

I have a list in my head of all the advantages of working (the above, money, future prospects, pension etc) and when I'm having a crap day I try to remember that list and I find it gives me some perspective and purpose.

I have been in your situation, I know having a job you hate really sucks, but I found that breaking my future down into chunks helped (i.e. decide a time to start looking for another job, or do an OU course etc). I definitely felt I had more control then.

Anyway, it's your choice! Like I said, good luck.

Oh, and the first thing I did when I went back to work was hire a cleaner. Definitely helps!

Thanks TheBolter. DH doesn't think we need a cleaner as I "only work 2 days a week"!

I think this discussion has helped me realise that I need to speak to dh about everything not just the job. I dislike my job and that makes it all seem so harder. I think if I had a job I enjoyed I wouldn't mind the extra effort it takes to get us out of the door on those mornings! However, I feel trapped there so it makes me feel even worse!

I have been through the stages of making pros and cons lists of me working - I know I am lucky to be on my wage, lucky to have a nursery on site, lucky to have a ploddy job which means I don't have to take work home ... but I am still so disatisfied!

Homeboys - I definately don't think that SAHM's don't set a good example (I am a bit muddled and can argue for and against working - hence my problem about not being consistent!!!)

DH doesn't really object to being sole earner - although we have been trying to increase our savings etc and he has enjoyed 'playing' with our investments. Obviously these will have to stop for a while.

I think I feel constrained by being a sole carer (for most of the time). Maybe I need to try and think of something I can do at home - ermmmmmmm .... - and then have a chat with him again.

I was in your position when I went back after DS. I really could have written your post 8 months ago. I ended up handing in my notice, finished up at work 7 months ago, and have never looked back. I didn't necessarily leave to become a SAHM but more to consider my career options as the job I was doing was so obviously incompatible with being a hands-on mum to a toddler (and remaining sane!). But I really do love being at home, DC2 is now on the way and I can't see me going back to work while I've still got pre-school children. I will go back / retrain at some point, but I've got years ahead of me to work and rebuild a career (especially as the pension age will probably be about 80 by that point!), I'm not really in a rush. We are much poorer than we used to be, but it's ok - there are other savings to be made (much more easy to shop economically, no commuting, no work clothes) and it seems worth it to me. At the risk of sounding like a 50s housewife, DH loves coming home to a cooked dinner and a reasonably organised house!

Good luck with making your decision.

Thanks GrumpyFish. It's awful - I feel like I am moaning all the time (well, I am!) and it is making me (and everyone around me I expect!) so unhappy!!! I only work 2 days a week but during the other days I am dreading work - crazy!

Thanks for taking the time to reply :)

I have to say girls, I am really grateful for all your posts and input. I was worried that someone would think I was a troll as I know the working mum/SAHM is a contentious issue. I didn't want a discussion which of is "right" - I truly believe in doing what's right for your family depending on your circumstances - and you have all offered grand advice.

Thanks again. You have really helped :)

Not sure if anyone has suggested this yet but could you try living for a month on only what DH earns, to demonstrate to him that you would be fine without your earnings? If you manage it you will have also built up a nice little bit of savings in case the boiler breaks while you are not earning.

WRT the 'setting a bad example' - my mum was a very stressed out WOHM when I was growing up, and I used to look at her and think 'no way do I want to be doing that.' There's a lot of resentment between us because she was out working so much. Much to my mum's disappointment, I'm really not very ambitious career-wise and I like the idea of being a SAHM.

If your DS sees how unhappy you are working, it's hardly going to be a very good example.

Why are you sole carer 99% of the time? He's not away 99% of the time is he?

I would worry that if you "feel constrained by being a sole carer (for most of the time). " - as you said above, then how would being around and actually being the sole carer for 100% of the time help that? I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, I think you are aware of the fact that for some people, having a well paid but undemanding job for just 2 days a week, whilst your DS is in the employers' nursery facility, leaving you 5 days a week with your DS sounds really very appealing!
Is your issue more with your DH not being around a lot, and not pulling his weight when he is?
sorry if I'm utterly off the mark there!

Hi ClenchedBottom. Yes, I am very aware of that. I know I am in n exceptionally lucky position. I have written lists of all the good things in my life (there are lots!) and hardly anything bad - but, I just feel very unhappy ...

foxinsocks - well, when he is here he does help but it's still always me that has to think about lunch / dinner etc. I usually have to ask dh to change a nappy, do bath etc. I sound like I am nagging him! I think as he is away so much he doesn't want to 'step on my toes'. And, I know it sounds silly, but I don't want to go out much when dh is back as I hardly see him so I am with ds pretty constantly.

I think it would be best if you stopped working for now, as you clearly want to, but use the time off to develop your CV, get new skills - maybe languages or a masters? So when you want to get back in it won't be too hard.

otoh, your DH would have to agree to this and also I don't think working only 2 days but getting paid well sounds that bad! You see ds for 5 days out of 7

I think you sound quite spoilt, you only work 2 days out of 5 in an easy well paid job and still get 5 days at home with your DS - hardly "hard done to" as you state. Housework doesnt take up that much time. Its a little selfish to expect your husband to be the only one who works and brings in a salary just because you dont fancy doing the same anymore - had he suggested quitting I am sure your answer wouldnt be "of course you dont have to go to work if you dont want to".

Keeping your CV current will mean you can increase your hours/role when DS is older if you wish. It also means you have an income should you and DH split.

yabu

For one partner to be a sahm/d it has to be a joint decision imo. One where both parties are completely happy. Your relationship may suffer if you force this upon him.

I think the reasons you are giving for being a SAHM are all very negative and yes I do think that 2 days well paid and then 3 days at home does mean you should using the time to look after the home. Not that DH hould do nothing. Yes I know a 2yr old is not easy but really, there is home supermarket deliveries, online payments and a house can be cleaned to a good enough standard in 2 hours with a bit of a tidy each day.

I suggest you look for a job you will enjoy more and then evaluate what is driving your SAHM decisions. Believe me, I know, I've worked full time, part time and SAHD. IME you will never go back to work if you give up your career now and you therefore need a proper discussion with DH - not just you unilaterally deciding and then forcing it on him.