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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to be a stay at home mum?

83 replies

mummybooboo · 22/10/2010 20:14

I've name changed for this but am a long time lurker, part time poster ...

I am serious - I have 1 ds who is growing up far too fast for my liking (currently he's 2!), my dh works away A LOT and I am fed up with having to deal with the house, ds and work (albeit part time). My job is my pre-pg one but without any responsibilities (i.e. dull but paid quite well, I would get the same pay elsewhere ... :-()

We could afford to live on dh's salary - if I didn't spend as much (which I do because I feel I deserve it as I am so hard done by mostly!)

Is it so bad to want to be a SAHM? Please give me reasons why I should just put up with having to do it all ....

OP posts:

Original poster

mummybooboo · 22/10/2010 20:59

RevoltingPeasant - thanks. Still googling ... :)

OP posts:

Original poster

mummybooboo · 22/10/2010 21:00

AllOverIt -yes, i have but ideally we would wait another couple of years and I am not sure I can stand that long!

OP posts:

Surprise · 22/10/2010 21:01

Haven't read the whole thread, but am a bit. at the suggestion that only a working mum is setting a good example. I am a SAHM (volunteered for redundancy from a good job when second child was born 8 years ago) and I have 2 children at school. I don't think my children would benefit from seeing me work - being looked after by a child-minder and seeing me stressed, hassled and grumpy (as I was when DD was small and I worked). The important thing here is make sure your children realise that you stay at home, because YOU HAVE A CHOICE, not because convention says you should. I think this sets as good an example as a working mother. And having done both, I suggest that you go for the SAHM option - consider yourself lucky that it IS an option and enjoy your children while you can. I know full well that my 14 yr old DD will be off to Uni in 3 years' time and I feel that I have done my best for her by being at home. The time has gone in a flash, honestly.

ThinneverVetch · 22/10/2010 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

violethill · 22/10/2010 21:04

Have just re-read your OP and realise you work part time. Sorry, but if your DH really doesn't agree to being the sole earner, then I think you'll have to listen, and take steps to make your working life more interesting.

Absolutely fair enough to expect your DH to pull his weight around the house (when he's there - you mention his job involves being away) and absolutely fair enough to discuss with him if you think he should 'downsize' his job so that he is around more (though of course this may mean you having to step up with earning more) but I think it's unreasonable to expect to give up work totally if he isn't happy. Being sole earner is a huge pressure.

Original poster

mummybooboo · 22/10/2010 21:08

Surprise - thanks. That's the problem with this issue, isn't it? I have worked all the time since leaving uni and will work after (I probably would if I could find something I could do in the evenings that I enjoyed). I am SO not lazy! I am so aware how quickly he is growing up and it is SO fast.

I am glad that you managed to stay at home with them. DH is worried about our pensions but it would be a few years at most.

My comment about "doing it all" is because I do! I do all the housework, shopping, cooking, laundry, child care and work 2 days a week. All me ... and feeling a bit put upon ...

OP posts:

Original poster

mummybooboo · 22/10/2010 21:13

violethill - of course I won't give up my job if dh doesn't agree. Hence I am still there ...

DH does a job where he has to be away a lot. As you say, he could get another job to be around more but 1) he would get paid less (as you say) and 2) he doesn't want to. He works in a specialised area and I have followed him around to a certain extent and my jobs have always fitted around his (hence I am in a dull job now rather than using my degree!) He loves his job and I am happy for him to do it ... but I have the responsibility of being the sole carer for 99% of the time.

(It may not sound it but I really do appreciate your input :) - these are all arguments that have been going around in my head ... it's just SO hard!)

OP posts:

DomesticG0ddess · 22/10/2010 21:19

I stopped when DS was 2.5, for the same reasons you state (also childcare costs and the fact that job was not really challenging me anymore. I also worked 2 days per week, started at 3 but reduced it). I don't regret it at all, and am now about to have DS2. I did think about staying until I got pg, but I didn't want to spend another year doing it while DS was so little. It was right for us at the time to go back to work when he was 9 months old, and it was right for us to leave when I did - you need to do what works for you all. I am sure I will work again when DS2 is in school, but not before then, apart from the odd hour here and there freelance, which I can still do.

tribpot · 22/10/2010 21:21

So your dh is allowed to do a job that requires the rest of his family to make certain compromises, but you aren't? (Because make no mistake, being a SAHM is a job). It may not be possible for you both to do your preferred job simultaneously but it has to be reasonable that you take turns at least.

The current set-up does not seem equitable. What does your dh suggest as a compromise position? (That isn't him doing exactly as he bloody well pleases).

Original poster

mummybooboo · 22/10/2010 21:25

DG - glad it works for you ...

tribpot - dh see's it that we all benefit from his good wage. We do, but ...

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 22/10/2010 21:27

mummybooboo... if you can afford to live on your husband's salary and he is ok with you giving up wok then DO it!

really. life is too short to piss about. if you want to be the one to stay home with your children then you shoudl. because you won't get that time back again

i am a SAHM and i feel lucky that we can afford for me to be one. i wouldn't want it any other way.

Ripeberry · 22/10/2010 21:27

It's nobody else's business what you do with your life. If you want to be a SAHM or SAHD then do it.

Do what works for your familly. If your job does not pay enough and has no prospects, then either find one that does but expect to give most of your earnings up for childcare.

Sometimes it works out cheaper to stay at home as you don't have to buy office clothes or pay for travel.
And being at home is harder work than most jobs and to say it's NOT work, then that's just stupid

violethill · 22/10/2010 21:29

But you're not benefiting by having had to follow him around and compromise your own working life to the extent that you're in a dull job!

Work is a big chunk of adult life, whether you choose to work right the way through or give up for a time. You deserve to have an interesting work life as well as your dh

asouthwoldmummy · 22/10/2010 21:33

I think if this is what you want you simply need to tell your DH that you believe it is in your DS's best interests to have you there. Of course you won't be earning but you will cut out childcare costs and may well end up getting more in CTC anyway.

FWIW I was at a local playgroup recently where a childminder usually takes the DC's she looks after. A boy she was looking after had clearly wet himself judging by the huge wet patch on the front and back of his trousers(and I know she noticed) but she didn't bother doing anything about it. Thankfully not all childminders are like this but do bear in mind that no-one will look after your DS as well as you can.

Sequins · 22/10/2010 21:34

I don't think it's fair that your DH gets to do what he wants and you can't, especially when each of you doing what you would like to is practically compatible (him working away a lot, you at home with DS). He is doing 1 job and you are doing 2 or 3 by the sounds of it (pt work, parent who does the childcare, housekeeper).

Being a SAHM is one solution. Other choices I can see are:

he gets a more family-friendly job
you work more hours (sorry!) and spend more on housekeeping services. This may be the way forward if he does not want the full breadwinner reponsibilities but then he has to pitch in more at home. If he doesn't then he pretty much has to agree to the SAHM proposal, surely?

I found it very hard to work PT because you have 3 routines, 1 for weekdays you're working, 1 when you're not, and 1 for the weekend and it's difficult to settle in. Plus if you add another pregnancy into that, it's so tiring! I think SAHM works well if you are pregnant, I find working with children much easier than working when pregnant!

tribpot · 22/10/2010 21:34

mummybooboo - I'm sure you do all benefit from his good wage. I would like to think my family benefit from mine. Not sure I see the point - he gets to call all the shots because he earns most of the money? How would he do that if you didn't look after his ds?

To be fair, I'm not sure I personally would want to be a SAHM married to someone who appears to think like your dh but that's a different question. Again, where is the compromise?

Original poster

mummybooboo · 22/10/2010 21:40

Thanks all. I think I will have another talk with dh.

Violethill - I think to a certain extent if I wanted to do more with my career I would have done I guess but we were always aware that I had to work certain hours so we could see each other. I could have used my degree and we would both have professional jobs but not really seeing each other. Me doing less exciting jobs has benefitted us as a couple (and now family) but he thinks I chose that over a 'proper' career and that was my choice. It was really ...

Thanks all. Am off to bed now so I can enjoy the weekend without being tired. You have all really helped me think it through without thinking I am being lazy! (I know I am not but if enough people say it ...) I might just show dh this thread too. It's good it has both views.

Night all :)

OP posts:

Original poster

mummybooboo · 22/10/2010 21:50

Sequins - he doesn't want to change his job - and I am happy for him to be happy with what he does ... I am not and know how much it sucks to be in a job you dislike!

tribpot - he's not as bad as perhaps he sounds ... we have always shared money etc and he doesn't ask me to account for anything I spend or anything. I think he does realise how much I do as when we looked at life insurance he originally pointed out that I didn't need much cover (ahem!) until I pointed out he would need someone full time to look after ds as he isn't even around to drop him off at nursery most days!

Really off to bed now. Thanks again all!

OP posts:

AllOverIt · 23/10/2010 06:25

Glad you've got things to think about and chat to DH about mummybooboo.

I'd just like to clarify that it's not the lazy option. I work bloody hard, even harder than I did when I was doing paid work! It's draining and physically and emotionally draining at times. You get very little time to eat, go to the loo (without two little friends to accompany me)or have 5 mins to yourself. It's nothing to do with being lazy....

Longtalljosie · 23/10/2010 06:34

When you say you're part-time, how many days do you work? Could you work fewer as a compromise? Say two days a week?

ProfYaffle · 23/10/2010 06:53

I'm a very happy sahm, but have no family locally. My only word of caution would be that it can be quite isolating, more so if your dh is away so much and your family aren't nearby.

Don't underestimate the value of having adult conversation a few days per week.

Curiousmama · 23/10/2010 07:01

Maybe you should go away with a friend for a week and get dh to take a week off work to look after ds and then see how he feels?

AllOverIt · 23/10/2010 07:04

I agree with ProfYaffle, it can be isolating. You have to plan your week in advance as it's very easy to get quite isolated. I try to plan to do something outside (weather depending) at least once a day.

Curiousmama · 23/10/2010 07:05

Agree with Asouthworldmummy, I've had a lot of experience in the past of toddler groups and meeting childminders (not all positive) but your little one is in nursery isn't he?

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 23/10/2010 07:10

"Things aren't looking great for the survival of my company "
any chance you'll be up for redundancy soon? how much would you be likely to get?
dont think setting a good example comes into it really - unless you spend your SAHM days on the sofa, watching jeremy kyle & swigging lager!

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