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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

that her family still come before me

34 replies

ichangedmymindagain · 21/10/2010 11:10

have been living with my partner for 8years (we have been together 12);his wife and daughter died over 15years ago and her family have always been a part of our lives .Admittdly i knew her and her family well and have allowed them to be part of our lives his daughter of 20 who is away at uni,who i have brought up as she was small when i mum died . we are planning on getting married next year , but i am getting a little fed up with the fact that his wife's family still play a huge part in our life . It will soon be his FIL'S 70th bday celebrations (a meal in a pub) and he has now canelled a much needed weekend away for the two of us so we can attend. I suggested that prehaps we could leave early and still have a couple of nights away , but he says no , he wants to stay till the end .He seems to be doing more for this family, these days am i right to be a little cross or am i being selfish .

OP posts:

Sandinmyshoes · 21/10/2010 11:16

Is the daughter invited to the party as well? Perhaps he doesn't want her to have to attend a big family occasion on her own?

Chil1234 · 21/10/2010 11:17

You're being a very selfish. ('Allowing' them to be part of your lives.... how big of you) They have connections that go back to before your relationship which were strengthened by shared bereavement, they are your daughter's grandparents (if I read that correctly) and they are your 'family' in every sense of the word. If they are getting elderly then he'll be feeling protective towards them as well. I think your partner sounds like a extremely caring person.

Original poster

ichangedmymindagain · 21/10/2010 11:17

yes she is going , and it isnt a huge celebration ,just a small family gathering , as normal , my kids are going too.

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Original poster

ichangedmymindagain · 21/10/2010 11:22

thanks for that chil1234,put me in my place.

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WowOoo · 21/10/2010 11:25

Think you need to accept his past.

Could you be gracious about going and then suggest that you book a really really special weekend away for just you and him?

Original poster

ichangedmymindagain · 21/10/2010 11:28

allowing was a wrong choice of word, i have openely encouraged them to be part of our lives. so maybe im am selfish and should go and enjoy the celebrations . Wondering though chil1234 , would you if in my shoes be asking the same question .

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Simbacat · 21/10/2010 11:32

Do they see you as a daughter?

Maybe they really care for you and it wouldn't be a family event without you?

NotAnotherBrick · 21/10/2010 11:32

YABVU I'm afraid. YOu really need to take a step back and see this from his, his daughters, and his late wife's family's point of view. A 70th birthday is a big occassion. Presumably he wants to go, not out of a sense of duty, but because he has become very close to his late wife's family and they mean a huge amount to him.

When you marry someone, you become part of their family, ideally. Why would that suddenly stop if the person you married dies?

Your partner's FIL will only turn 70 once, and you are being selfish to be so churlish about going.

ShirleyGarrote · 21/10/2010 11:33

yy NotAnotherBrick.

Surely you can go away for the weekend any time?

Tootlesmummy · 21/10/2010 11:35

I appreciate it must be difficult at times but you have to remember that they lost their daughter and GD so have had to come to terms with their loss.

Don't mean to sound harsh but if his wife hadn't died then I assume they would have still been together? if that is the case then I think it's lovely and right that he still has a good relationship with your DP. He is an important connection to their DD and GD who died.

It sounds like they have accepted you and welcome you in their lives too. You should be (not the right word but best one I can think of!) grateful that they are not difficult and make life hard.

Go along and enjoy the night and be happy you have a lovely DP who cares about his 'ex' in laws. He sounds like a great guy.

Original poster

ichangedmymindagain · 21/10/2010 11:37

I do accept his past and havn't said anything about how i feel to him as i dont want to be selfish . Getting away for us is really hard as i have a severly disabled child and sorting child care is really hard . The childcare was in place for this trip away (only three nights) impossible to do anything again like this until next spring . I had wanted to give him back some time as he gives so much , it allows us to be a couple without both of our baggage from our past .

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Chil1234 · 21/10/2010 11:38

I know pretty much how it feels to be in your shoes, unfortunately. A dead woman is very difficult to compete against, isn't she? Now that the 20 year-old is out of the picture I can see why you'd prefer him to sever all the old ties, move on and devote himself to you rather than anything connected to his late wife and child.... But that's really not going to happen.

They are your family. You will do your relationship a huge amount of harm if you keep harbouring this resentment

Kewcumber · 21/10/2010 11:39

his FIl will only be 70 once and if its a small family gathering it will be very obvious if you leave early.

I can see it might be irritating but if you marry someone with history then you have to deal with that, it isn;t going to go away.

He sounds nice to me not many people would take his approach and I wish more would. They are not "his wifes" family anymore - they are his family and you need to treat them as such.

Kewcumber · 21/10/2010 11:40

so do birthday party for one night and on your own for two

Original poster

ichangedmymindagain · 21/10/2010 11:53

NAB, havn't said i wouldn't go and of course its lovely that i am included in the whole family .
I have always been made to feel welcome , was just a little disapointed that we wouldnt be able to go away on a much needed break .

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NotAnotherBrick · 21/10/2010 11:55

But saying you're a little disappointed to not go on your weekend is reasonable. Saying you're pissed off that your partner's late wife's family come first (which they don't, they just do this time because it's a special occassion) is unreasonable.

anonymousbrainsnatcher · 21/10/2010 12:00

It is his daughter's family too, no? So of course they are important to him, let alone the fact that they are his dead wife's family. Unfortunately that is a fact, you knew it when you got together, so you will just have to accept it.

Can't rearrange a 70th, but can rearrange a weekend away?

I understand your frustration, but it's just how it is and why would he sever/lessen links with his daughter's grandparents?

Original poster

ichangedmymindagain · 21/10/2010 12:03

Chil1234 , i dont need to compete and no i don't want him to break with his past , in fact i do more than him to hold them together . His daughter maybe a uni , but crtainly not out of the picture, we are a family and we work at being a good one . We still live in there old family home , and we do all we can to make sure that nobody feels left out or upset because of our situation . i hadn't thought of myself as resentful :(

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Original poster

ichangedmymindagain · 21/10/2010 12:12

NAB, it just feels like they do ,as there have been lots of other occassions when this has happened.But your right i did know all this when i started the relastionship and i shouldnt have said that they come first , just a bit low as i wanted his time .

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ShirtyGerty · 21/10/2010 12:28

If its any consolation, I know how hard these situations can be for the person feeling like they are being overlooked in favour of someone's past relationships.

Its especially tough when extended families are involved - sometimes people just don't think how their actions are perceived from other people's perspectives.

In the short-term, a compromise on both sides sounds like the best thing. Go to the dinner, leave early and then spend a couple of nights away. See if you can persuade your DH that this would be a win-win scenario.

In the longer-term, getting married (congratulations btw!) certainly changes family dynamics and may higlight your place in the family unit.

(It was only after DH and I got married that MIL stopped talking about his ex wife constantly and actually making an effort not to call me by her name.)

everyonesatit · 21/10/2010 12:29

I have no advice, but just want to say that I think it's wonderful you raised his DD as your own.

My own Mother died when I was 15 months old and my Dad remarried when I was 2 and a half. I am forever thankful to my Dad for making such an excellent choice of 'new' Mum for me and to my 'new' Mum for never making me feel any less loved than her biological child.

I think it takes a special kind of person to do that, and to take on a third side of a family.

Original poster

ichangedmymindagain · 21/10/2010 12:30

YABVU?? what does this mean.

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anonymousbrainsnatcher · 21/10/2010 12:35

Who said that?!
You Are Being Very Unreasonable.

I am not saying that, I am merely interpreting for you BTW (By The Way)

tiredlady · 21/10/2010 12:40

I can totally sympathise that you are feeling disappointed about cancelling a weekend away together. Having a child with SN of course means that childcare will be more difficult for you to organise.

TBH I would be extremely pissed off if my DH cancelled a weekend to attend my FIL party, so I can see why you are too.

I think maybe you worded your OP a bit wrong,hence some of the responses on here.
You don't sound resentful of you dh's late wife's family,you just sound a bit cross and frustrated that you can't go away for your break.
Fair enough I think

Original poster

ichangedmymindagain · 21/10/2010 12:45

everyonesatit, thanks , just want everyone to be happy , and have done my best to make this all work .i was just being a bit selfish and saying out loud how i felt. glad that you have a lovely new "mum", it so hard to bringing up someone else child , but have always treated her as my own , never ever though forgetting her mum and trying to do what she would have wanted for her child .
I will be going to the lunch celebrations and we will have a good time and i will try and stop being unreasonable about this whole situation .

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