that her family still come before me

[ichangedmymindagain]

have been living with my partner for 8years (we have been together 12);his wife and daughter died over 15years ago and her family have always been a part of our lives .Admittdly i knew her and her family well and have allowed them to be part of our lives his daughter of 20 who is away at uni,who i have brought up as she was small when i mum died . we are planning on getting married next year , but i am getting a little fed up with the fact that his wife's family still play a huge part in our life . It will soon be his FIL'S 70th bday celebrations (a meal in a pub) and he has now canelled a much needed weekend away for the two of us so we can attend. I suggested that prehaps we could leave early and still have a couple of nights away , but he says no , he wants to stay till the end .He seems to be doing more for this family, these days am i right to be a little cross or am i being selfish .

worked it out anon ,thanks though .

everyonesatit that is really lovely. It's nice to hear a positive step-mum story for a change.

Why didn't you know it was going to be FIL's 70th on the dates you booked the weekend away?

I'm sure it's only the disappointment showing through, but you do come across as a little silly in some posts. But better to come across selfish here than to your nearest and dearest.

Ok so you can't go away, but a 70th is a big deal! He is your stepdaughters GD and he lost his daughter before her time.

Tell DH that the next opportunity to go away is set in concrete though, and save up and make it a good one!! [hgrin]

FILAWS do at the pub was only sorted and booked last week, this was mainly down to my better half sorting out something as FIL own 4 children hadn't done anything and my other half not wanting it pass without it being celebrated . We had already planned to take him out for another day to celebrate this big day as we hadnt wanted it to go unnoticed. Our weekend was booked 3months ago.

Don't see myself as silly, just prehaps not very good at putting my thoughts across maybe .
Selfish , silly, unreasonable, and resentful , i must be a joy to live with :(

I think the problem may simply be that your DP sees the family event as part of your time away - he didn't view the weekend away in the same way as you (i.e. a bit of couple's time).

I have a similar problem with my DH where he would spend most of our family holidays visiting his family whereas I actually want a break just with DH, me and the kids. He doesn't really understand why I resent visiting his cousins etc but its really about the loss of the opportunity to spend time together without having to take account of the interests of third parties (family or not). I have had to push hard for an appropriate balance.

Not sure I was too clear at the start of my post. What I am trying to say is that your DP sees FIL b'day as a family event which is a fun, relaxing time for you both so a reasonable substitute for your weekend away. You may not agree I wouldn't in your shoes.

chazs , you could be right , have just said spoken to him about ,not being able to go away , and he said but we are going out for the day and you will have a great time .
Explained that it would have been nice just be be alone , without the kids , the house , (and all the chores that it brings ) without someone ringing us to help them out , his kind nature means he always helps out .He said that because i hadn't really mentioned it again ,he thought it was because i didn't mind .

I think its OK to feel disappointed at the loss of your rare weekend away. A bit of selfishness is allowed when most of your life is spent accomodating others.

buuuuuut.....

you can;t get away fom the fact that it is his 70th and your nice DH has rescused his FIL from teh thoughtlessness of his childrne by organising something so really I think you have no choice but to paste a smile on and accept there is a price to pay for both you and your DH being nice people.

Just try to reschedule your weekend away now so you have something to look forward to.

I think it must be very hard to marry a widow. At least with a divorced bloke they have chosen to split and there isn't usually prolonged contact with exinlaws.
I would feel a bit like an extra part at these sort of celebrations.
I don't think you have much choice but to go though.
It's a shame your husband didn't remember this important birthday before booking a weekend away though.
If husband and I booked a weekend away and then FIL decided to have a party that weekend I doubt we'd cancel it. Usually big birthday celebrations are arranged well in advance.