To think this wedding will be horrific?

[peakythepoltergeist]

Ok, I genuinely want some opinions and and to see if anyone else has been in this situation.

I have a 4 month old baby and my BIL is getting married in December, my DP is best man.

The wedding is to be a huge Irish shindig, you know the score, 300 guests, mahoosive posh hotel etc etc.

I was initially so excited, but am now dreading it.

It is a 2 hour catholic service - and I am expected to stay there for the duration - I politely asked "DS is unlikely to stay still and quiet for the service, is it more important for me to be there at the beginning or end?" told, be there for the whole thing as you can stand in the side or go outside if he gets restless.

Main issue however, is the six course dinner. I am not allowed at the top table, and I do not know anyone else to sit with. When DP asked his brother if he could sit with me and DS, he was told "no. absolutely not. I need you next to me, and if you cant do that, then i will ask someone else to be my best man" DP was really upset by this reaction, explained that he wanted to help me with our son, crawl control, feeding etc. BIL replied "she looks after him on her own everyday, whats the big deal?".

So I will be eating on my own, trying to control DS, then going to bed with DS at 7. Great.

I have to take him to Ireland as its the inlaws chance to see their grandchild at Christmas, and I cant leave him with anyone there as i dont know anybody, and he is EBF.

Aaargh! Really dont want to be the awkward one, I am fine with the 4 day stag, but what can I do???

Oh yes, and my son will be the only baby/child there. Special exception has been made.[hshock]

sheeee-it that sounds a bit horrible tbh.

How far away is your table from the top table? would it be possible for dh to keep a bit of an eye on you and if you're struggling he will just come down and give you a hand?

Or could ds sit with dh at the top table with all his family so that they can manage him between them, leaving you free to mingle with everyone else?

I suspect that when your ds starts screaming very loudly through the service that they'll regret telling you that you have to be there for the whole thing!

Do you have to go?

Don't worry too much about the ceremony. Just do what you need to do, and don't discuss it with anyone beforehand. On the day, the bride and groom won't even notice if you're there or if you snuck out halfway through to go shopping. Try to get a seat on the outside aisle, so you can leave quietly if you need to.

If you have to leave to put your DC to bed at 7, try and plan a nice evening for yourself (will you be at a hotel). Movie to watch, big box of chocs.

I don't think I'd go. If you can't face saying so beforehand, just quietly don't get tickets and then announce a sad illness on the day. Everyone will be far too busy to notice/care.

BIL sounds an arse tbh with a rather neanderthal attitude.

It probably won't be as ghastly as you think. Ds will still be very small and portable - crawl control shouldn't be too much of a worry if he's 6 months. Even if you don;t know many people there I'm sure there will be plenty of helping hands to give you a break.

Why does he have to go to bed at 7? If you don;t want to keep him downstairs with you can't the hotel organise a babysitter to watch him in the room rather than you forego the evening?

Won't you just be sitting with whoever they put you with? You might make some new friends.

I can see why you feel aprehensive, won't you know anyone there?

As the only baby, DS will probably get lots of attention.

Try and be positive, you might be in with a chance of actually enjoying it then!

Can you use a baby moniter for DS in the evening so you can stay with adults for longer?

Personally, I wouldn't go. I don't think my DH would want to go either if I wasn't sitting with him or he wasn't allowed to sit with me and help with our baby. If your BIl doesn't have DCs, he may not understand, but to say what he did to your DH makes him sound like a total prick. In your DHs position I'd have told him to fuck off and get someone else then.

Also, your child is not a possession to be shown off to relatives. If you don't feel comfortable going, then make an excuse and don't go. Sod them!

Lollipop I think the idea is that my DP is available for all his best man duties, so having to look after ds would be frowned upon. Im not sure what these duties are, as DP said he would come up to make his speech, maybe cutting up the grooms food for him? [hgrin]
Zachary believe me, I have considered the whole nip out and shop thing, but Ireland in December can be pretty inhospitable! Maybe I need to find a pub! Then I can beat DP to it by getting blind drunk first, thereby foregoing all parental responsibilities [hwink]

4 day stag! I think YANBU at all!
I've heard of bridezillas but this is the first groomzilla I have come across!
good luck with whatever you decide

I guess DS always goes to bed at 7, and Im not sure how long a six month would stay up past bedtime without totally losing their rag? This is my first child. Would he sleep in a buggy or would the noise be too much?

Good idea zachary, maybe I should book a hotel room and get the BIL to pay!

I think your dp needs to explain to his brother that you and ds are his first priority. If he can do the best man thing as well as look after you two, fine but if he can't your bil had better look for another best man.

As far as ds sleeping is concerned, he probably would sleep in his pushchair if he was tired enough - problem is there'll be loads going on and plenty of people making a fuss of him so he won't want to go to sleep!

Firstly I doubt the ceremony will be much more than an hour (I'm Irish and all the weddings I've been to in churches are just a bit longer than normal mass). Sit at side and do wander out if your ds gets restless and they will appreciate it rather than be annoyed with you.

If you stroll around outside with him you'll both be happy and the wedding party won't even notice you are missing from the church.

As regards the reception. I agree with your bil that your dh needs to be at top table during meal as that is his role as best man. But after the meal he'll be able to join you and ds for the rest of the time.
You'll probably find you actually don't end up getting to be with your ds at all as other guests will want to hold him, pass him around and play with him, during the meal. A baby of that age is very popular and there is bound to be plenty of people to help you out by holding him while you eat etc.
I'm not good with meeting strangers and I'd hate being at a table with new people like you will be, but a baby is a great ice-breaker and will help you get chatting.

I reckon your options are:

(a) breastfeed the baby, then hand him over to his dad for the duration of the meal

(b) don't go.

I would go for B.

I would also breastfeed a lot during the ceremony, purely on the basis it'll piss off the zillas.

Hmm, having been to my share of long Irish weddings they are great fun if you are free to enjoy them, hellish if you aren't. The last two, despite them being my family, I was the one who took DD up to bed because she was driving us insane. And yes there were shedloads of rellies there but at a wedding, they don't really want to be fussed with a sprog, they want to get on and enjoy themselves.

If it were me, I would present it how it is. Yes you will go to the service but you will take ds elsewhere when if he gets restless. The best man has feck all duties at the reception except his speech and possibly a turn round the floor with the chief bridesmaid so there is no reason why you can't plonk ds on him when you need to eat your meal. Play it by ear but make it clear that you will need to adapt according to ds's mood/needs.

Oh, and your BIL sounds like a tosspot.

It sounds like a pain in the neck, but it might not be so bad.
First I am Irish and have been to many many Irish catholic weddings. I have never been at one that lasts 2 hours. 1 1/2 hours was the longest and quite often and hour. Wait until just before the bride comes before going in (sometimes they can be ridiciously late). Have some quiet toys/ books etc. He will be probably be very entertained for the first while just by all the people around and the novelty of it all (assuming he is not regular mass attender!!). If he gets a bit cranky leave for a while or walk around the back and sides (show him the statues/ candles he'll like that). You say crawl control - is he crawling already? If so even better you can let him crawl around a bit in the aisle back of church (my DH does this with the kids at mass)
bring a buggy so you can get him to sleep after the church in the reception while the photos are being taken or even better slip off to the hotel room with him and have a rest the two of you. The photos getting taken can take ages so you can watch TV read in the room. Just make sure if they want you/him in photos that they take them first (DP can organise this).
As for reception try and get seated with people who like babies, especially people who ahve grandkids themselves (people with kids will probably be relishing the break) - aunts and uncles of DP for example. You'll find people will love having him there and will entertain him and help you out.
Most posh hotels will have a babysitting service with garda cleared sitters. Get him to sleep at 7 and then have sitter stay in the room with him. You are only downstairs if he wakes. You can slip down for a couple of hours have a glass of wine and a bit of a dance with DP

The zillas are totally freaked out by breastfeeding of anykind, so in a church would cause some kind of meltdown i reckon

It just sounds terribly stressful. And not worth it for you, frankly.

I think DP sitting at top table is pretty usual, you and ds will get lots of attention at the table you are on, and presumably family that want their turn with him too?

Re the service, just slip out when he gets restless/you've had enough - it's what responsible parents do at weddings.

And the you and dp will be together the rest of the time showing off junior. It will be fine.

Or just do as Hully suggests

Thanks potoftea, rockbat and lola, I dont have any experience of irish weddings, and the sense of tradition is pretty alien to me. Cant understand why it is all such a big deal where people sit.
The church suggestions are really good lola, hadnt thought of some of those. He looks like he will def be crawling soon.

I am an Irish catholic. I have been to over 20 Irish weddings and not one of them has ever lasted 2 hours. So I don't think you need to worry about that duration ..however of course that's not really the issue.
If I were you, I would say that you don't really feel right bringing the only baby to the wedding, that you wouldn't be able to relax thinking that DC would make too much noise blah blah blah.
Say, if it's an adults-only affair then I probably won't bring DC, I think that would be nicer for everyone.
Does the hotel offer a good baby-sitting service? Most of them do these days so you could see DC throughout the day but not have to worry about minding and just have a good time.
Not sitting you with your DP is just plain WEIRD. What is that about??

I hadn't thought of using a babysitting service before, worth thinking about. Has anyone else used one before? Would feel a little strange leaving him with someone Ive never met before.