To think this wedding will be horrific?

[peakythepoltergeist]

Ok, I genuinely want some opinions and and to see if anyone else has been in this situation.

I have a 4 month old baby and my BIL is getting married in December, my DP is best man.

The wedding is to be a huge Irish shindig, you know the score, 300 guests, mahoosive posh hotel etc etc.

I was initially so excited, but am now dreading it.

It is a 2 hour catholic service - and I am expected to stay there for the duration - I politely asked "DS is unlikely to stay still and quiet for the service, is it more important for me to be there at the beginning or end?" told, be there for the whole thing as you can stand in the side or go outside if he gets restless.

Main issue however, is the six course dinner. I am not allowed at the top table, and I do not know anyone else to sit with. When DP asked his brother if he could sit with me and DS, he was told "no. absolutely not. I need you next to me, and if you cant do that, then i will ask someone else to be my best man" DP was really upset by this reaction, explained that he wanted to help me with our son, crawl control, feeding etc. BIL replied "she looks after him on her own everyday, whats the big deal?".

So I will be eating on my own, trying to control DS, then going to bed with DS at 7. Great.

I have to take him to Ireland as its the inlaws chance to see their grandchild at Christmas, and I cant leave him with anyone there as i dont know anybody, and he is EBF.

Aaargh! Really dont want to be the awkward one, I am fine with the 4 day stag, but what can I do???

You are being guestzilla.

It will be a complete pita for you because anyone's wedding with a 4 month old is never going to be easy. But the bride and groom want you dh as best man and have made a special point of inviting your baby so I'm afraid I think you should just grin and bear it. When ds was 6 months and ebf I had to go to a wedding 9 hours drive away where my dh was a witness. It took us 2 days there and 2 days back, I didn't see any of the service as ds was wailing. We missed the group photo as I was changing a nappy, and I only got to eat the starter as ds screamed and when we got up to the room he promptly threw up all over me in my finery. But we went because of dh, and the bride and groom were so pleased we made it.
If there's loads of Irish grannys there you probably will have people falling over themselves to help you out and you might even get 5 mins peace.

spanish - its not about cutting my partner slack fgs, he wants to be with his family. I have no desire to upset my BIL, i convinced my DP not to quit as best man. I wanted a situation to keep everyone happy, my DP and my BIL. Dont think thats high maintenance.

I will def be there, and am happy to take care of my child, it means alot to the whole family that we are there, for the wedding and for christmas. We all get on well, and I dont want to change that at all.

You should tell your DP to go off and enjoy being best man and stop worrying about you

As the wedding is a few months away, could you ask to be introduced to the people you will sit with? Or just have a chat with your BIL/SiL about them so you know a little to make conversation with?

sorry you have received some harsh posts.

i think you probably are overthinking it a little bit, but reading between the line, I think bride and groom have probably caused you some angst... "an exception has been made" sounds like they have a problem with children at the wedding and zero empathy for you
Your DH is going to have to be up at the top for the ceremony, but really your baby could either be fast asleep in the buggy (that's what I would try and do) or you are just going to have to leave the church if he gets a bit antsy. What are they actually going to do, stop you?!
And then again for the dinner, DS could be asleep or could be beautifully behaved. If he's grizzly, then feed him. Asleep in buggy would be fine by me, some sleep, some don't. I wouldn't worry about the noise too much.
And once again for the evening, if DS's bedtime is 7, do you have to stick to it rigidly, and yes I think he could go down in the pram, so you could stay a bit later.
Lots of people use the hotel babysitters too, you could try and get a close hotel room so you run back and check on him

I would think that the lovely friendly Irish contingent will be a lot of help and a lot of fun
it will be ok

Took DS1 to a wedding when he was 5 months old. Stayed at the back, went out when he made noise! Asked the bride to put me on a table near an exit in case he played up during the speeches (he didn't!). He then fell asleep in his pushchair for most of the evening while I mingled.

BIL is also getting married in December, DH best man. Dreading it! DS1 is now 4 and DS2 is 2. Would swap places with you in a flash! Currently in training to run in heels (although not sure what to do about different directions - must practice harder!!)

I think if you worry about it you will be uptight on the day and won't enjoy it. Just think of me chasing in 2 different directions tottering in heels and it won't seem so bad!!!!

thanks poogles, your post made me smile, loving the image of you training in heels!
clean, I will definitely do that. I was hoping to go on the hen night to meet other ladies before, but it is out of the country and the same weekend as the stag, so no luck. good idea.

This is one of those times you just have to suck it up I'm afraid - being a best man to your own brother is a special event, and you need to be the one compromising this time. Have never heard of a best man's wife getting to sit at the top table!
As others have said, lots of guests at the wedding will hopefully help with your baby, and once that bridesmaid dance is over your dh will be duty-free and you can hand over to him.
No it won't be the easiest day you've ever had, but it might be lots better than you fear!

I don't really think it sounds that bad. All the weddings I've been to have had best men on top table, and I'm sure you can look after the little one just fine without him. As much as the brother didn't put it brilliantly you do look after DS on your own normally, and at 6 months they're not hugely mobile.

I really thInk you should tell your DP that you will be fine, and to send him on his way to the top table. As best man, that's where he should be. If he's worried about you (and really - there should be no reason for him to be :) ), then that's why he's pushing to sit next to you.

I am genuinely surprised by anyone who thinks bridal party partners should also be at the top table?! OP - I know you don't think you should be there, but others have expressed surprise.

You will be fine with baby a couple of tables away. Everyone at your table will get chatting to you, and many will want cuddles with babe. The others are right - 6 months is an ideal age to be carted along to this sort of thing.

It is just one day and you never know - you might actually have a good time!

I think it's because she is the grooms SIL, not just the wife of the grooms best mate. She is family so it's not that big a deal to put her on the top table.

Not read all the posts but I think you are over thinking this a bit. He is 6 months old - it is actually a very easy age to take a child to a wedding. He will happily sleep in his buggy all through the reception - just walk him up and down a bit somewhere quiet. The noise of the band will not bother him. You absolutely do not have to go to bed at 7pm - his bed is portable use it to your advantage! Do not make life more difficult for yourself by trying to stick rigidly to your normal routine.

My went to my brother's wedding when my DS2 was 6 mths and DS1 2.5 yrs. Toddler was WAY more work, harder to entertain during a long meal and he got overtired etc. Baby just oblivious and happy to sleep anywhere..

If he get stroppy in the church just take him out - better that than ruin the wedding.

One thing that helped me was that there was a room away from the main reception that I could use to breastfeed in - that helped a lot. DS would not have fed with all the noise of the wedding reception. I guess as it is in a hotel you can pop back to the room ok.

Enjoy the wedding - it will be a lot harder if you have another wedding next year!!

Karmabeliever brothers/sisters don't get to sit at top table, never mind their partners.
Any vaguely traditional top table has bride, groom, parents of each, best man and bridesmaid. That's it.
Of course you don't have to go with tradition, but that's not really for the guests to decide!

Karmabeliever brothers/sisters don't get to sit at top table, never mind their partners.
Any vaguely traditional top table has bride, groom, parents of each, best man and bridesmaid. That's it.
Of course you don't have to go with tradition, but that's not really for the guests to decide!

Yes, maybe I am sounding a bit cynical about this because of my family wedding experiences which included dh being best man and sitting at the top table leaving me "alone" to look after ds1 (5) and ds2 (2). A great deal of time was spent in the loo, chasing them around the dance floor, trying to stop them from eating all the bread rolls before the food arrived, etc. However, I was sitting on a table with family who did help and I just accepted that was the way it was. This wedding came only three weeks after SIL's wedding held in a massively posh hotel where our dc were the only ones there and no concessions had been made to the fact at all - roast quail at 2, anyone? We also took the dc on a 2-day trip to France for a wedding when they were 3 and 5 months, wedding meal did not begin until 8.30 (actually bi-lingual speeches began then, the first of the 9 courses arrived about 9.20, we exited at around course 5 at 11.15 with screaming, tantrummy toddler) so truly your scenario sounds like a doddle!

I would think make sure you have a warm car outside to escape to from the church as you don't want to be wandering outside in Ireland in December.
I've never been to an Irish wedding where the church part lasted longer than an hour, but agree that brides are often up to 40 minutes late, so you might want to time your baby's feed to happen at the start of the ceremony if possible.
We didn't specifically invite or not invite kids to our (Irish) wedding but a few people brought babies, one was a month old, another 6 months old or so and the other about 7 months old. They hung out on aisle seats at the church and then sat at high chairs/in their parents arms during the meal and seemed to be fine.

If I was you I'd play it by ear, not be freaked out about not knowing people on your table (the meal won't take that long and there's bound to be a fair amount of table-hopping) and then book a babysitter for the evening, relax and hope to enjoy yourself. If you like your BIL and get on with the family normally, maybe put his current attitude down to pre-wedding nerves/arsiness and cut him some slack.

What all my fellow Irish Catholics have said. It sounds like a perfectly normal, traditional Irish Catholic wedding. But if you're going to approach it with the attitude you seem to have maybe you'd be better not going, if that would spoil your husband's day less?

One other suggestion re. the mass itself - many churches have a 'cry chapel', usually near the back, with large (mostly sound proof) windows to allow you to see the ceremony, and speakers to relay the Priest's/readers' words. You could maybe take your son there during the Mass if he is noisy/crying?

Sorry, but YABU. Having one six-month old baby to look after is relatively easy. He'll sit in his buggy or a high chair and watch what's going on, and yes, if it is noisy you may need to walk him around outside to get him to drop off. Then you bring him back in and relax while he sleeps. Likewise at bedtime, he'll sleep in his buggy. If he doesn't now, you've got time to get him used to it by putting him in it for daytime naps.

Why would you (and DS) be on the top table? It's for the wedding party, and you are not part of it. Ask for a table near to top, perhaps with your chair backing on to it so you can lean over and ask your DH for help of necessary.

6 months is a relatively easy age - try taking 2 toddlers with you! I recently attended a wedding where the BM's wife had a 6 year old and 18 month old twins. She was run ragged, but she just got on with it.

And I can understand your BIL's reaction, he's your baby, you look after him every day, presumably you leave the house with him, and you manage. Why is this wedding so different?

"Tis a revelation how many Irish Catholics there are around here, indeed!

It is normal for the best man to be on the top table, my bil was and his wife was sat 'on her own', although we sat her with the family so she knew them all. As far as I can remember the children were on the top table too, as they were page boy and bridesmaid. I think you maybe over worrying this tbh. If ds becomes restless in the church just get up and walk around with him at the back or outside, don't bother asking for permission (in my experience the vicar/priest normally asks at the beginning of the service for restless children to be taken out to a seperate room or whatever).

With respect to the meal, if ds is on some finger foods by then, take some with you and sit him in the highchair with them and feed him bits from your plate or take a jar of food. Take your buggy with you and when he gets tired get him in his night clothes, give him a feed if that is what he is used to and let him sleep in his buggy, if you need to take him for a walk to get him asleep do so, your dh should be with you by this point so can help out. Then find a quietish corner for him and enjoy the party, an elderly family member is often keen to 'babysit' at such events, as in sitting and keeping an eye and giving the buggy a rock if needed.

I'm no Irish Catholic so I definitely think YANBU. I think it was good of you to convince your DH not to resign as best man - I probably wouldn't of as my feelings would of been hurt. I know that's probably BU but I think that's how I'd feel.

I don't see how it'd hurt to have you sitting with your DH - you're the bride and groom's SIL after all. If they're after a picture perfect wedding with everyone sitting exactly where they'd like they could ask in actors - but not expect everyone to want to attend if they care so little about their feelings they'd prefer to isolate them than break with (a stupid, if you ask me) tradition and accommodate you and their nieces' needs.