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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this wedding will be horrific?

81 replies

peakythepoltergeist · 20/10/2010 11:53

Ok, I genuinely want some opinions and and to see if anyone else has been in this situation.

I have a 4 month old baby and my BIL is getting married in December, my DP is best man.

The wedding is to be a huge Irish shindig, you know the score, 300 guests, mahoosive posh hotel etc etc.

I was initially so excited, but am now dreading it.

It is a 2 hour catholic service - and I am expected to stay there for the duration - I politely asked "DS is unlikely to stay still and quiet for the service, is it more important for me to be there at the beginning or end?" told, be there for the whole thing as you can stand in the side or go outside if he gets restless. Hmm

Main issue however, is the six course dinner. I am not allowed at the top table, and I do not know anyone else to sit with. When DP asked his brother if he could sit with me and DS, he was told "no. absolutely not. I need you next to me, and if you cant do that, then i will ask someone else to be my best man" DP was really upset by this reaction, explained that he wanted to help me with our son, crawl control, feeding etc. BIL replied "she looks after him on her own everyday, whats the big deal?".

So I will be eating on my own, trying to control DS, then going to bed with DS at 7. Great.

I have to take him to Ireland as its the inlaws chance to see their grandchild at Christmas, and I cant leave him with anyone there as i dont know anybody, and he is EBF.

Aaargh! Really dont want to be the awkward one, I am fine with the 4 day stag, but what can I do???

OP posts:
Lolalocket · 20/10/2010 12:21

Didn't realise top table wasn't universal. Its for bride and groom, parents, wedding party (best man, groomsmen, bridemaids) and priest. Thats it, no partners, no ther siblings not in wedding party and no kids. So this is not groomzilla or weird its just normal at Irish weddings

Original poster
peakythepoltergeist · 20/10/2010 12:23

BIL doesn't have any children of his own, cant help but wonder if this is affecting his perspective and attitude towards it? Don't think I would have expected this of anyone attending my wedding, even before I had a child, but maybe you can only understand once you have children? Or is this patronising?

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 20/10/2010 12:23

I had to do exactly the same thing this summer, only with 15m DS (who was walking etc obviously). It really is not that much of a big deal. You could cope for one day surely?

But if you really don't want to then yes, make up an illness.

SpanishLady · 20/10/2010 12:24

Im sorry to be unsympathetic but as someone who married last year (big Catholic wedding) and who is 33 weeks pregnant now and planning on attending an Irish catholic wedding in Ireland next April - I dont really see what your issue is.

1 - you had a child he is your responsibility - if that means taking him to the wedding and ging to bed at 7pm so be it thats being a parent and putting the child first

2 - I had a full catholic mass at my wedding - they really dont last 2 hours but yes definitely an hour

3 - people are going to be focused on the bride and groom so I doubt there is any issue with you walking up and down with your child or even leaving the church if your child gets fretful - we had 3 small babies at our wedding as well as kids ranging from 2 yrs to 9 years old and I really dont think anyone minded their playing or being needed to be taken out - its was a family wedding and kids are part of the family - I can assume your BIL will realise you will need to manage your child as suits you but as above I really dfoubt he will be noticing what you are doing so no need to worry!

4 - my husband has been best man 3 times and each time I have sat by myself, though yes twice with at least one person I knew but to suggest that this is uterly impossible is abit silly - your partner will be able to get up and walk around as will the bride and groom - so he can come over to check on you and hold the baby etc - I dont see why it is impossible to enjoy yourself and have a conversation at your table unless your DP is there - and I think asking to be on the top table is very unfair

5 - personally when it comes to weddings I never think asking the groom anything about it is worthwhile - the bride is the one to ask/check things with

Ultimately I just think it is not for the bride and groom to arrange their day around you specifically - sorry

GeekOfTheWeek · 20/10/2010 12:26

The top table is only for the wedding party ime. Best man is a huge role so it is important for him to be sat with his brother.

Imho I think yabu.

annh · 20/10/2010 12:30

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill and if you attend with that attitude you probably will have a miserable time.

I am Irish and our wedding with full mass took max of one hour, that has been the norm at any of the many weddings I have been to in Ireland. The only way I can see it taking two hours is if you include arriving early, signing the register afterwards, loads of photos at church etc. However, the actual ceremony when you are expected to be quiet is nowhere near hat length. IME, while photos, register signing etc are happening there is music, people are chatting, taking photos etc. - no need to keep a baby quiet. The family have already told you you can go somewhere else in the church or outside if the baby gets restless, why is that a problem? Is that not what you were expecting them to say, did you want to be somewhere else entirely and only turn up for the end?

I'm not sure why you don't know anyone else at the wedding, this is your BIL, right? Surely you have met some of your partner's aunts, cousins, etc? Even if not, you will not be eating on your own, there will be other people at the table, I'm sure the bride will make an effort to sit you with some people you will get on with, rather than her 90-year old great aunt. People will be very happy to help with the baby, watch him while you go to the loo etc. If there are 6 courses, no-one will even notice if you miss one and go outside with the baby. The guests are not going to be glued to their seats, there will be lots of coming and going and having a baby is a great way for people to strike up a conversation with you! I do think this is one day when your BIL could expect his brother to help him and it really is entirely possible for you to feed etc the baby without him. Not sure about the crawling bit, he is only 4 months, so at most 6 months when the wedding takes place? Will he really be crawling? Mine kids were only sitting up unaided at that point.

Also not sure why you will be going to bed with him at 7? Surely he can stay up a bit later for once? He may well be enjoying all the activity and noise and not be ready to go down. And if he is, even if you don't want to use any hotel babysitting service (and that's entirely understandable) surely you/your partner could take turns in sitting with him or perhaps some of the other family would be happy to sit with him for 30 mins so you get some time together?

VinegaRigamorTits · 20/10/2010 12:30

i think you are being a bit arkward tbh, its only for one day, you will meet people there and your ds will be made a fuss of

they have made an exception for your ds, so it obviously means a lot to them for you to be there, and your dp is best man so dont know why you would expect him to not be sat at the top table, and once the meal and speeches are over you can get up and move

Original poster
peakythepoltergeist · 20/10/2010 12:31

spanishlady - my issue is just that I dont think it will be enjoyable for me, and I dont wish to sit at the top table, just for my partner to sit with me. I don't really think that having a child is just my responsibility either, would it be the same if i were bridesmaid and my DP had to sit on his own with the baby?

OP posts:
VinegaRigamorTits · 20/10/2010 12:33

and i think your bil had a point when he said '"she looks after him on her own everyday, whats the big deal?".

really, what is the big deal?

Original poster
peakythepoltergeist · 20/10/2010 12:34

loving the name change vinegar Grin

OP posts:
AbsofCroissant · 20/10/2010 12:36

Nothing further to add, rather than perhaps writing down all of BIL's barking comments on child-care, and present them back to him after the birth of his first child Grin (Evil Abs)

annh · 20/10/2010 12:37

At the moment I can only think that it will not be enjoyable for you because you are determined to make it so. And yes, if you were a bridesmaid, it would be your partner's responsibility to look after the baby during the day. Hang on though, you said your baby was EBF and only 4 months so will he even be on solids by the time of the wedding? What is the feeding that you are expecting your partner to help with in that case?

Original poster
peakythepoltergeist · 20/10/2010 12:37

Its different looking after him at home or with friends and family to at a wedding, no? I am friendly, and will definitely be up for meeting new people, just was surprised by my BILs reaction.
Good to get some opinions from people with experience of traditional Irish weddings.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 20/10/2010 12:39

I'd not go.

DuelingFanjo · 20/10/2010 12:40

Every wedding I have been to no one has sat religiously at their table. I'm sure DH will be able to leave the top table regularly and come to sit with you to help out. Perhaps you are worrying a bit too much.

Original poster
peakythepoltergeist · 20/10/2010 12:41

Almost seven months at the time of the wedding, so i guess some solids by then.
I am not a party pooper and totally want to have a good time! living in the UK, baby, pregnancy etc, I havent had a chance to meet many relatives unfortunately. Sure they will be lovely and helpful, but just daunting as i dont know them yet.

OP posts:
GoreRenewed · 20/10/2010 12:42

BIL sounds barking!

VinegaRigamorTits · 20/10/2010 12:42

you really expect you dp to sit with you on the day, while the rest of the bridal party sits at the top table? and when he come to do his speach, will he stand up where he is or have to move to the top table? i actually think you are being guestzilla on this one

Its your bil's day, the day isnt about you, its it really too much to ask that you cope alone with your ds for a few hours?

Original poster
peakythepoltergeist · 20/10/2010 12:44

It was my DPs suggestion, not mine, and i was surprised by the strength and manner of his response really.

OP posts:
HeadlessPrinceBilly · 20/10/2010 12:45

No Irish wedding lasts 2 hours. And really what is so difficult about having one young baby at a wedding? I don't get it. But if you are so determined to hate it before you go just don't bother.

SummerRain · 20/10/2010 12:45

I brought ds2 to a wedding at 5 months on my own (well my mother and aunt travelled with me but they were sod all help)

He was ebf as well and a handful.

I was very lucky that he slept through the whole ceremony (catholic, not 2 hours though, i think someone may be over exaggerating there, i've never been at a 2hr long catholic ceremony... usually just over an hour) but if he hadn't there were plenty of people moving in and out of the church trying to keep babies and children calm and as we were all at the back it wasn't noticeable from the front.

My cousins loaned me a buggy and i put him in it as soon as we got back to the hotel and wheeled him round whenever he got restless. I took him back to the room to feed as he was at that annoying looking all around phase and my whole family ff so i felt a bit self conscious... but i didn't miss much.

He sat in his buggy while i ate, when he did whinge there were usually hands available to have a cuddle while i wolfed down some food. He didn't like the speeches but i was at the back of the room so was able to discretely feed him while they droned on. After the meal everything is much more relaxed and all the top table people mix back into the crowd.

I didn't go to bed with ds2 until 1am... he dozed in the buggy at one point from 10.30 until 12ish and the disco didn't seem to bother him one bit, i just parked him at the side of the room and he slept happily while i mingled.

It'll probably be better than you think, once the meal is over you'll have dh back for help and tbh a 6 month old doesn't need 2 people minding it, especially not a family gathering where there will be lots of willing baby cuddlers

SpanishLady · 20/10/2010 12:46

oh well if its just about what fun you are having then of course dont go, make a fuss after all god forbid it isnt about you - its not your wedding and its not your BIL's problem to amuse you and actually yes your child is only your/your dp's responsibility - if other people are kind enough to help out thats a bonus but really to assume that people at a wedding should make considerations for your child just so you are amused/get a break/are able to have drink (whatever it is you think your due/owed) is unbelieveable and frankly if you cant cut your partner some slack for one day to let him support the groom then I pity him - you are one high maintenance lady - to your point if you were a bridesmaid then I would assume your DP would take the reversed role for you and quite rightly but this time it is for you to support him.

Your BIL is not in the wrong - you are just annoyed because you dont see this as being advantageous to you - stop being silly and selfish.

sorry Im annoyed now and get less tactful

Original poster
peakythepoltergeist · 20/10/2010 12:48

thanks summer, good to hear it wont be 2hrs!! Also good to know he may sleep in the buggy a little and you had a good time.

OP posts:
VinegaRigamorTits · 20/10/2010 12:49

sp it was your dp's idea that he sit with you and not next to his brother? where the best man should sit?

if so, why didnt you tell you dp that he should be sat next to his brother? and that you dont need him sat next to you as you can cope fine with your ds? (which i am sure you could)

rubyrubyruby · 20/10/2010 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.