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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask guests to bring a dish instead of a present to a wedding?

89 replies

iNEEDaWHINGE · 20/10/2010 09:37

Trying to plan a wedding!

We are thinking about having something really informal.

Wedding in a gorgeous old palace/castle place.

It has hug grounds with a loch and playpark for the kids. everyone goes there during the summer for bbq'a /picnics.

I want to do the ceremony, and all saunter the 20 yrds out into the park area and have a bbq/pinic.

No real dress codes, people can be casual if they like, we just want our friends to be there and actually enjoy the ceremony.

We dont want them to obligued to spend money on outfits.

My real question is... AIBU to ask them NOT to buy us any gifts. And just bring a dish along for the picnic/bbq.

we are aware we may get nothing but 16 cheesecakes... but we dont really care. as long as there is something to eat.

afterwards... those who want can join us in the local or head back to the house for drink.(only 100yrd walk)

OP posts:
BuntyPenfold · 20/10/2010 09:41

Lovely plan, except for the weather maybe?

JinnyS · 20/10/2010 09:44

I think it sounds wonderful and exactly the sort of wedding I would love to attend.

I'd bring a dish and a gift!

bubbleOseven · 20/10/2010 09:45

that's a great idea, but could someone be in charge of a food list to ensure no-one brings the same item.

notasize10yetbutoneday · 20/10/2010 09:45

There was a similar thread to this in Weddings last week and a lot of people expressed concerns about seating arrangements, especially for the elderly in that they would want proper chairs etc.

I think its a nice idea but in practice needs good organisation if it is to work. You say you wouldn't mind having 16 cheesecakes but the guests at your wedding who have travelled to be there might want a bit more sustenance! TBH if you are having less than 50 guests i would cater it yourself/buy stuff in because I think otherwise it could be big headache trying to make sure everyone brings something different, who has what allergis, etc...

FindingMymOOOOOOOOjo · 20/10/2010 09:46

oooooh what a great idea. I'd be happy to do that. Everyone will go all out to bring something special & I bet you end up with a gourmet picnic.

I've been to so many 'pot-luck' dinners over the years where everyone brings a dish, and never has there been a double up!

AbsofCroissant · 20/10/2010 09:48

YANBU

My friends did exactly this for their wedding and it was fabulous - you got such amazing food, a lot of variety and it was delicious. Nice change from the usual catered affairs

What they did was set up a page on a website (could try and dig up the web address for you) where people could register what they were going to bring, so you don't end up with 16 cheesecakes. Maybe if a friend is renowned for say, their chocolate cake, ask them to bring that. I think the bride had a wee panic on the day, and asked a friend living close by to bring some extra salads, but it was fine. There was tons and tons of food.

FindingMymOOOOOOOOjo · 20/10/2010 09:49

I wouldn't worry about allergies etc to be honest. All your guests will know how that the food is being organised communally, so if anyone has particular requirements/concerns they can bring themselves a wee packed allergy free meal.

quisuisje · 20/10/2010 09:49

its a FABULOUS idea!
I was invited to a wedding with a "wedding cake stall competition". Everyone who wanted to participate had to send their cake title in so it was on the Judging list, we brought our cake in, we all ate a lot of cake and had fun judging it. We then had a prize for best cake for nanas, best looking cake, most awful cake, lazyest cake and so forth. so much fun. great wedding. the prizes were bags of penny sweets and the like. nothing expensive.
you could do the same with "best starter" "best BBQ sausage" whatever.
Im sure guests would love it.
Congrats by the way and may u have much fun

Original poster
iNEEDaWHINGE · 20/10/2010 09:50

it will be small. probably about 20-40 guests. no elderley. All the grandparents have passed away sadly. Parents are 60's but they are all fit and have been down to this spot for picnics with us before.

there is quite a few kids and it would be great they can just play in the park, etc and the parents are free to mingle.

we'll be aiming for summer. but if it does rain the house is a short distance away and could easily go there instead.

if someone has an milk/wheat allergies they would be fine with bbq meats and i'll make sure there's a choice of dessert and accompliament they can have specially for them :)

OP posts:
CMOTdibbler · 20/10/2010 09:50

I think that unless all your guests are very local, young, fit, and prepared to all squeeze into the pub if it's raining, and treat there being nothing to eat except potato salad as a huge laugh, it's a bad idea tbh.

FrozenFlowers · 20/10/2010 09:53

Will most of the guests be local? We could never have done anything like this for our wedding, because although had it where we live, very few of the guests are local, and nearly all had to travel up the day before. There is no way they would have been able to bring food with them.

If most of your guests are going to be local, and coming straight from their own homes to the wedding, then it will probably be fine. If a significant proportion will be staying in hotels the night before, then I don't think it will work.

PfftTheMildySpookyDragon · 20/10/2010 09:54

We had a picnic for our wedding. It worked well - we didn't do the bring a dish thing. We had good weather though.

campocaro · 20/10/2010 09:55

I had a Spanish themed do-everyone brought a plate of tapas-it was great.

notasize10yetbutoneday · 20/10/2010 09:58

Good point about being local- every wedding we've been to so far this year (apart from evening dos) we've had to stay at a hotel the night before. We would have no way of keeping anyhting refrigerated- not good in summer!

laweaselmys · 20/10/2010 09:59

Depends why you're doing it. If you're spending loads of money on other things people might be a bit put out to have to provide their own food.

If it's a very low cost wedding, I'm sure they wouldn't mind.

We will probably do this, our budget is tiny, and everyone I have floated the idea by seemed happy with it.

Original poster
iNEEDaWHINGE · 20/10/2010 09:59

the only ones who are not local will be staying at ours for their visit.

there are 2 sets from further afield. but we would say to them not to feel obligued to bring a dish, just themselves and maybe some plastic cups (or something to go in the plastic cups Wink ) so they were not having to prepare anything.

OP posts:
AbsofCroissant · 20/10/2010 10:02

The website they used was www.whattogive.com/

FetchezLaVache · 20/10/2010 10:03

I think it's an absolutely lovely idea! Wishing you sunshine for the big day. [hsmile]

Pootles2010 · 20/10/2010 10:04

Oh that sounds lovely. Wish we could do this! I'd much prefer to take a dish than a present! Are you allowed to have bbq's in the park? Impressed if you are! Maybe send couple of people down to save a nice spot, and get the coals going, a bit early? In my experience, takes forever for coals to get hot enough and I'm always starving! (thats prob just me being pig though!) Have a fabulous day!

needafootmassage · 20/10/2010 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pootles2010 · 20/10/2010 10:05

Ooh just thought, bring a chair for yourself unless you want grass stains on the bum of your wedding dress Grin

Original poster
iNEEDaWHINGE · 20/10/2010 10:07

it is low cost.

and tbh... if someone is put out that they dont get a sit down meal i would rather they didn't come.

i want friends and family who wants to see a special event.

Not someone who's only turning up for the prospect of a free meal, or feels obligued to go because they were asked and it is family. I wouldn't want grumpy cousin mildrew there through obligation. I pay for a meal, and they dont want to be there, and begrudge having to fork out for a special outfit and hotel stay to come.

We only want people to come because they actually WANT to.

OP posts:
GoreRenewed · 20/10/2010 10:08

Is it licensed for marriages?

BlingLoving · 20/10/2010 10:14

I hate to go against the grain, but I think YABU. I get really resentful when people invite me to a party and then expect me to do the work. I appreciate it's a small do but then surely it won't cost that much to get a couple of decent platters from Waitrose or M&S? And least that way you have the right kind of food, and not 15 cheesecakes, and your guests get to be exactly that... guests.

I went to a "bring a plate" event the other day and even though the host had made some attempt to direct what people brought, it was a complete disaster. There were plates and plates of dessert left over and a distinct segregation on the main food as people went for the nice stuff and left the dodgy cheapo bits others had brought.

Original poster
iNEEDaWHINGE · 20/10/2010 10:16

absoff - fantastic! thanks for that. great idea.

pootles - yip.. our local friends are really great they would be more than happy to go set up the BBQ (groom wants to go too apparently while waiting for me...men and their desire to poke fires of meat).

we are allowed bbq's in the park. :)

if we just have picnic and no bbq then no one would need to go in advance. it is a HUGE park.

OP posts:
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