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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask guests to bring a dish instead of a present to a wedding?

89 replies

iNEEDaWHINGE · 20/10/2010 09:37

Trying to plan a wedding!

We are thinking about having something really informal.

Wedding in a gorgeous old palace/castle place.

It has hug grounds with a loch and playpark for the kids. everyone goes there during the summer for bbq'a /picnics.

I want to do the ceremony, and all saunter the 20 yrds out into the park area and have a bbq/pinic.

No real dress codes, people can be casual if they like, we just want our friends to be there and actually enjoy the ceremony.

We dont want them to obligued to spend money on outfits.

My real question is... AIBU to ask them NOT to buy us any gifts. And just bring a dish along for the picnic/bbq.

we are aware we may get nothing but 16 cheesecakes... but we dont really care. as long as there is something to eat.

afterwards... those who want can join us in the local or head back to the house for drink.(only 100yrd walk)

OP posts:

Deliaskis · 20/10/2010 10:18

I think it's a great idea, as long as it is clear to guests that this is how the day will be. I would also recommend getting someone to try and co-ordinate the menu slightly (even if it's just into categories, i.e. salads, breads, desserts, etc.) as 16 cheesecakes might not be that hilarious on the day itself and some guests might struggle with a very narrow choice.

Would also very much encourage guests to bring beach/deck chairs as if grass is damp, and guests have put on a posh frock (they might like to dress up a bit even if it's not necessary, for some it's part of recognising your special day), then they might be uncomfortable standing all day.

I would be fine with this kind of thing, as long as I knew in advance so could prepare accordingly.

dinosaur · 20/10/2010 10:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

laweaselmys · 20/10/2010 10:19

Well... Like I say, it is a scale thing. Most people aren't ooh, our friends are getting married, I demand a sit down meal in return for showing up!

But if it was at a very expensive venue, and you were sauntering around in a £2000 dress guests might think it strange that you didn't make space in your budget for food, as the host.

But having done the maths up and down I know food gets very expensive (even just basic stuff) so for a budget wedding I really don't think anyone would care.

Deliaskis · 20/10/2010 10:23

I appreciate that some might not be comfortable 'catering' or preparing a dish for large numbers, which is why it's a good idea to have a list, as those people can choose to just buy 10 French sticks from Sainsburys, or multiple bags of caesar salad (with the dressing and croutons etc. in the bag) whilst those who are happy to actually do something could do the more adventurous stuff.

OP, I think if you know your guests and know they will be OK with this, then that answers your question. Agree though it would look rude if there were other items you had spent a lot of money on (e.g. dress etc.) as it would be putting that above the comfort/convenience of your guests which is a bit off.

canyou · 20/10/2010 10:28

What a fab idea and it will really help people mingle and enjoy the day more,
If the weather looks dodgy have a stock of disposable cooking trays for the oven at home,
Anyone not sure or confident about doing food can bring the breads/rolls, sauces, relish

Box of stuff needed
Bin bags [can sit on them and then clean up into after]
wet wipes
BBQ tongs etc
Picnic tables for food if possible [again some thing for no food prep people to do]
loads of cameras
have a fab day

JinnyS · 20/10/2010 10:29

I'm one of those people with allergies and intolerances and I have never yet been to a catered event which provided food that I could confidently eat. I'd be delighted to bring a plate to any event I was invited to.

I had an unconventional wedding. Nobody except us at the actual ceremony apart from witnesses we picked up on the day. Low key party at the weekend for friends, low key buffet at the local the following weekend for the family who expected 'something' in return for their pair of guest towels/vase/recycled whisky tumblers. I have no regrets and people still talk about it being a great do almost 20 years later. I spent the actual day with the one person I had chosen for the rest of my life, I had a great evening with some really good friends and I did my duty for the rest of them.

I really think that you should have the day that YOU want

Deliaskis · 20/10/2010 10:31

Agree with canyou 's list, but would add, when you think you have the right number of binbags and wipes, double it, then you've got something approaching what you will need.

HeadlessPrinceBilly · 20/10/2010 10:32

I think its a great idea, its hardly asking the guests to do all the work..bringing a bowl of salad or a quiche is not exactly a massive imposition. They can buy it if they don't want to or can't make something.

Anyone who turns their nose up at it are people you don't want to be there anyway.

nickytwotimes · 20/10/2010 10:34

Fabulous idea.

Fwiw, we had a mega cheap wedding and was fabulous.

Original poster

iNEEDaWHINGE · 20/10/2010 10:34

dinosaur - most guests are local. its walking distance from their house. its a local park they use most summer for get together and picnics.

we're not spending money on other things.

outfits and the ceremony only really. no honeymoon. no flower arrangment. my Aunt will do the cake.

re catering for large number!!.... its for around 20-40 people.

we aren't asking people to bring one dish which all guests can have a try of..

just a dish.. normal dish like you would make for the house.

we will do the basic picnic stuff... really the bring a dish is more to add variety, and make sure there is enough food.

OP posts:

nickytwotimes · 20/10/2010 10:34

Sorry! DOn't mean to imply yours is cheap!!
I meant low key, casual!

Apologies. Sleep deprivation is not my frined.

nickytwotimes · 20/10/2010 10:36

and yes, the most important things are 1)your love for each other 2) the important people in your lives are present.

GeekOfTheWeek · 20/10/2010 10:39

I wouldn't mind bringing food at all.

Its the outside factor that would stress me. What if its pissing it down, freezing cold or burning hot? I would hate to be stuck outdoors all day in any of those situations.

Deliaskis · 20/10/2010 10:40

OP, I think that's great if you have provided the 'core' items anyway, as it means a) you have provided something, and b) in reality there won't just be 16 cheesecakes.

As I said in my first post, as long as it is well communicated (esp about not having to cook, and not having to provide pasta salad for all 40, just a bowl to add to the general contributions), then I think it sounds great.

MmeBodyInTheBasement · 20/10/2010 10:42

I think it is a lovely idea.

DH is German and bring-your-own-food parties are very common. Sometimes the hosts provide the meat for BBQ and everyone brings a salad or a dessert. Sometimes it is all brought by the guests.

The only thing that would worry me is the weather.

MrsC2010 · 20/10/2010 10:44

YANBU

dinosaur · 20/10/2010 10:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

fedupofnamechanging · 20/10/2010 10:47

You could ask people to bring a picnic for themselves. That way, people can eat what they want, you don't have to worry about allergies and fussy children and most people will bring a picnic rug or fold up chairs to sit on.

laweaselmys · 20/10/2010 10:47

It sounds lovely. Sure it will all be fine and lots of fun!

Onetoomanycornettos · 20/10/2010 10:59

I like the idea of al fresco eating, however, you do need a bit more planning than just 'everyone rock up with a plate of something'. You need to think what happens if it rains (this is likely, you can't just pretend that it hardly ever rains in the UK). Where will all the food go? Secondly, you need to do all the plates, cutlery, drinks, basic food as a minimum etc. That is not something you want to do on your big day, so you need to delegate this to someone else to organize.

My mum went to one of these type of 'bring something' ceremony recently, they had hired a house and a field, but there weren't enough cups and everyone had to make their own cups of tea and look after themselves food-wise. Yes, it was quite fun in a way, but actually it did make her think that the priority wasn't the guests, plus there weren't enough chairs for the older people who don't want to perch on a blanket. She also got stressed about her contribution, it was all very last minute and casual, but actually she ended up spending quite a lot to get the large quantities needed.

So, I think it all depends how much you are prepared to put in preparation-wise, and not to take the piss really by basically getting everyone else to do it. And personally, I just can't imagine inviting people to my wedding and not providing food and drink, it may only be in a park, but to me that's a fairly integral part of being a good host/hostess.

PreciousLittle · 20/10/2010 11:01

It's a great idea. I go to lots of these things, and it's great if the host asks, What might you like to bring: main course, salad, desert, bread...? That way no one is forcing a guest to make something specific, but you can still count on a good mix of food.

Being somewhere with 16 cheesecakes is my idea of heaven, anyway.

I'd like to add that I would in no way equate bringing a quiche with NOT bringing a gift. Ask people to bring a dish, sure, but don't mess with their gift options or they get really arsey!! (See threads ad nauseum on this topic.) For some reason even asking people NOT to buy something really sets 'em off.

Have a great day!

PreciousLittle · 20/10/2010 11:02

Umm, dessert. Dessert.

AbsofCroissant · 20/10/2010 11:04

For my friends wedding, they went for this option as 1) they were on a limited budget (teachers) and having to organise TWO weddings (she's from the US, he's from the UK) and 2) they'd been living together for ages anyway, so didn't need towels/kitchen stuff etc.

It was a relatively small wedding, and as a guest it was wonderful - not am imposition. You felt that you were really part of the wedding, rather than just an "attendee".

The groom's family (who were in the UK) provided a couple of big basic dishes - so some giant quiches, a cooked ham and lots of humous (and his mother made the BEST cake known to man kind. I still dream about it). Then, they sent out a link to the website and on the website they had different categories of food + quantities. So each dish should be enough for five, and then for e.g. they needed 5 x starches (potatoes, couscous, bread), 5 x salad (whatever type). They also had a section for starters and deserts.

I think it's perfect for a small wedding. Incidentally, a week later we went to the other extreme - wedding for 450, catered to within an inch of its life, and it was nowhere near as nice. Felt very impersonal.

AbsofCroissant · 20/10/2010 11:05

desserts. Not deserts

PreciousLittle · 20/10/2010 11:17

Yeah, Abs, had already corrected that.

By the way, it's "not an imposition" and not "not am imposition". Watch the pedantry.

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