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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask guests to bring a dish instead of a present to a wedding?

89 replies

iNEEDaWHINGE · 20/10/2010 09:37

Trying to plan a wedding!

We are thinking about having something really informal.

Wedding in a gorgeous old palace/castle place.

It has hug grounds with a loch and playpark for the kids. everyone goes there during the summer for bbq'a /picnics.

I want to do the ceremony, and all saunter the 20 yrds out into the park area and have a bbq/pinic.

No real dress codes, people can be casual if they like, we just want our friends to be there and actually enjoy the ceremony.

We dont want them to obligued to spend money on outfits.

My real question is... AIBU to ask them NOT to buy us any gifts. And just bring a dish along for the picnic/bbq.

we are aware we may get nothing but 16 cheesecakes... but we dont really care. as long as there is something to eat.

afterwards... those who want can join us in the local or head back to the house for drink.(only 100yrd walk)

OP posts:
AbsofCroissant · 20/10/2010 11:25

I was correcting myself.

PreciousLittle · 20/10/2010 11:28

Ooooh, well, someone's feeling unreasonably unsensitive about her spelling today. And it's me. Apologies.

AbsofCroissant · 20/10/2010 11:28

It's alright - talking to myself out loud is a problem in RL as well, not just on MN Grin

PreciousLittle · 20/10/2010 11:28

See what I did there?? Built one in... Smile

Original poster
iNEEDaWHINGE · 20/10/2010 11:29

i think as long as i plan it to a certain degree this will work.

i'll use that list website thingy.

and make sure everyone knows its informal and what the situation is regarding just a normal sized dish.

make sure our house is prepared for an emergency location in the event of rain. we probably will have it ready anyway as expect the majority will want to come back to the house and continue celebrating anyway.

OP posts:
TheBossofMe · 20/10/2010 11:58

Will the castle actually let you get married there if you're not using their catering services? Many don't - they make their money on catering at weddings, so aren't interested in people just using the wedding rooms for the ceremony and then buggering off elsewhere.

Katz · 20/10/2010 12:08

Fab idea - i'd recommend costco if your sourcing some basics yourself, they have some yummy big tubs of humus and olives which work out quite reasonable. They also do large packs of plates, cups cutlery ect.

i'd be tempted to source a couple of those gazebo things too - would offer shelter is a bit damp or if hot. Ask if anyone has one - also a way of bagging a good spot, you'll just need a couple of people to look after them during the ceremony bit.

Original poster
iNEEDaWHINGE · 20/10/2010 12:16

the boss - yes, they do. they primarily just do the ceremonies. the function (if you want one) has to be arranged by ourside catering.

not sure about gazebo. seems to be getting back into the idea of it being formal event with that. we want it to be a big informal picnic thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
iNEEDaWHINGE · 20/10/2010 12:16

costco - great idea!

OP posts:
TheBossofMe · 20/10/2010 12:18

In which case, it sounds like a lovely idea if you plan properly - eg ask people to sign up for salads, meat dishes, pudding etc, have a rain-plan...

I think it sounds so nice - best of luck!

Deliaskis · 20/10/2010 12:21

I do think gazebos are a good idea, if for no other reason than to keep food in the shade if it's really hot, otherwise you risk it getting manky very quickly.

Gazebos are not formal, we have them on Guide camp!

D

peakythepoltergeist · 20/10/2010 12:25

Sounds amazing, I agree with abs, just set up a website/ fb page to ensure a good variety of food!

BranchingOut · 20/10/2010 15:08

Mixed feelings.

It sounds as if the proximity of the venue/pub/your house is all in favour, so if it is going to work anywhere then it will work there.

If everyone is local it does make it easier to bring food.

How will you keep food cool/safe during the ceremony?

However:

I did go to an informal wedding of a very dear friend. It was in a remote venue out in the countryside and had been meant to be a 'get married informally in the fields with flowers in our hair' BBQ festival-like kind of do...

But, it was held in late March and the rain was unrelenting. The marquee was on a steep slope - you could hardly sit on a chair or put a glass down on a table. Temperatures were very cold. There were no hot drinks. The bride's dress got very muddy. The mud was ankle deep and people had to walk over duck-boards up a steep hill to the only toilets. The BBQ was ok but a lot of the other food didn't get eaten because the lack of formal structure/no announcements meant that no-one knew if they could begin eating or not, then didn't feel like it after the BBQ. The informality and lack of formal entertainment just meant that people didn't quite know what they were supposed to be doing and when - my husband and I missed the speeches because we didn't know when they were happening and had gone off to try to warm up. There were a lot of people sitting around in nice clothes feeling absolutely frozen. The bride and groom were very happy, but a lot of the guests were borderline miserable. I also think that they probably ended up spending almost as much as they would have done simply hiring a more conventional venue for the day. This is a very good friend, but it was probably the least enjoyable wedding I have ever been to!

In my view, informal weddings can be great but if they go wrong they can be very tricky.

ChippingIn · 20/10/2010 15:44

It sounds brilliant! It is a wedding I would actually look forward to going to - especially if the bride wasn't stressing about the weather and we could just go to the pubb/theirs if it rains!

I'd go one step further and ask people to bring their own picnic stuff (plates, cutlery etc) - it's easy to do, better than eating off bendy plates with disposable cutlery!

If you want to make it even more simple - just ask them to bring their own picnics!!

I hope you have a wonderful day & more importantly, a great marriage, which I think is far more likely when you care more about 'getting married' than the 'perfect wedding'.

mummytime · 20/10/2010 16:01

Friends of mine did something similar for their wedding. It was lovely. They did use a church hall though.
They had a lot of kids, so it meant they could invite anyone who wanted to come. (Including my family of 5, when the kids are closer to theirs than we are to the parents.)

minipie · 20/10/2010 16:01

In theory this sounds like a lovely idea.

However, beware. At my parents' wedding reception, various people brought home made food along.

It all tasted great but a lot of people got sick from food poisoning. (They think it was my grandma's coronation chicken). Thankfully my parents didn't eat any, but they felt terrible about doing that to their guests.

How will you ensure the food's been prepared ok? Where will the food be kept cold? Will it be reheated? etc etc.

cakewench · 20/10/2010 16:07

YANBU. I'd love to do this sort of thing. However, I am from the US originally, and potluck parties aren't nearly as uncommon there as they are here. (okay, and it's not common for them to be weddings, but in my opinion that doesn't change things at all. Yes, it's a wedding, but despite what the wedding industry is selling us, that doesn't mean everything needs to be 10x as expensive as a normal party.)

thewishingchair · 20/10/2010 16:49

Mixed feelings here, the wedding bit sounds lovely but the 'bring a dish' bit would turn it from fun into a headache for me if I was a guest. I would guess that most of your guests will have a lot more fun if you cater, or simply say 'bring a picnic to the park for afterwards - we'll provide the booze'. Although maybe if you really emphasize the 'bring us a dish of food as a present' aspect it would go down better - bringing food as a present is a much nicer idea than being roped in to help with the catering - I think you want to make sure it sounds more like the former than the latter. Although then that ups the stakes a bit in terms of quality - no one will really want to be the person bringing 50 plastic forks and the ketchup and brown sauce, however useful and easy that might be for the non-cooks!

MadamDeathstare · 20/10/2010 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tori27 · 20/10/2010 20:17

Ask some to bring savoury and some to do desserts and you can even it out.

Love the idea!

schmee · 20/10/2010 20:21

If it's instead of a present though...

TheFallenMadonna · 20/10/2010 20:22

I think you need to organise it. I would have absolutely no objection to bringing a dish to a local wedding. I have done so in fact. If it were a close friend or a family member I'd bring lots of dishes. But I'd want to be given some guidance, or I would feel like I needed to feed everybody.

I think a barbecue for 40 people sounds like a big thing too. Will the owners be happy with a big event like that in their grounds? I know you are having hte cermony there, but is this covered? How many barbecues? Who will barbecue? Who will provide meat for 40 people?

I think the details are quite important to make sure you, and everyone else, is as relaxed as you clearly want your wedding to be.

Bunbaker · 20/10/2010 20:25

We did a similar thing when my cousin got married and it was the best wedding we have ever been to. What my cousin and his bride saved on catering they spent on booze for all of us. To provide unlimited drinks for upwards of 50 people for a period of over 12 hours can't have been cheap either.

Are there any gazebos you can borrow in case the weather is less than kind?

nannynobnobs · 20/10/2010 20:26

We asked some people, not everyone, to bring something to ours, and ended up with a fabulous assortment from proper Shetland smoked salmon to homemade 'little gay biscuits' and everything got eaten :)
Yes I did help to clean up after... It was a paper plates job. And everybody had a fabulous time :o

KiwiKat · 20/10/2010 20:43

We do this quite a bit in NZ, it's not at all unusual. "you're asking your friends and family to cater your wedding reception?" what a load of bollocks! They're saving on a present for God's sake, and it really requires minimal effort and very little money to make (or buy) a nice contribution. I'm sure you woldn't be friends with the uptight kind of person who would be miffed that it's not the type of wedding that they'd enjoy anyway, so just give a bit of guidance, or have one particular friend whose responsibility it is to offer guidance, and focus on having a great time.