AIBU to expect DH to discuss with me rather than just say no

[BibiThree]

Basic info: I want a dog, have never been shy about my wanting a dog in the 13 years me and dh have been together. He doesn't want one but isn't a pet person really. Now we're settled as a family, children are old enough to cope with an addition to the family and I know we can't have any more babies, I would love to have a dog.
I work part time and the girls are in school,
I've done my research, grew up always having at least two dogs so am under no illusions as to the amount of work involved.
DH has said no and will not discuss.
AIBU to expect him to at least listen to me and let me explain why I think it would be a good idea or should I just accept he doesn't want one and leave it at that?
He's generally a v easy going h, he can be stubborn but this has shocked me a bit. He's making me feel like I'm being a brat about it but I don't think I am, I think I want to talk about it.

I think accept it. I don't think I will ever own a dog. I like them, but overall I'm not a dog person. If he really doesn't want one there is nothing to discuss. They are very messy/loud/annoying if you want to go on holiday etc...

Of course he should discuss it with you. But! If he doesn't want a dog then what may seem like small inconveniences to you, like a doggy smell in the house or the cost of vets bills and food, will be massive mountains for him to cross.

I know this from experience.

Not sure about there being nothing to discuss. I'd like to think if there was something he wanted that much, and had spoken about wanting for our entire relationship, I'd extend him the courtesy of listening to him, whether I wanted it or not.

Of course you can't 'just accept it' - last time I looked a marriage was supposed to be a meeting of two equals, not a dictatorship! If he doesn't want to discuss it, borrow a friends dog he wont recognise, bring it home & tell him you are not going to discuss it

Chippingin, that is GENIUS.

I wouldn't dream of taking any notice of him whatsoever tbh. My view would be that the dog would be mine and so would the associated responsibilities so it would have nothing to do with anyone else.

Many years ago a boyfriend and I were discussing him moving into my house. I realised that he was not the man for me when he told me "You can have one dog or one cat, but not both".

I dumped him minutes soon afterwards.

(Though not before I'd responded with a knee-jerk, "Don't be a cunt, Steve!"... and that's not a word I usually use about anyone except my ex husband!).

I guess he really just doesn't want a dog then. If he was a bit undecided, then he's be up for a discussion. If he says 'I'm not a doggy person, I don't want a dog' then there's not much to discuss.

I personally wouldn't live with a dog, however much the other person tried to persuade me (and my DH does from time to time). I do listen for about five sec. but my bottom line is, I just don't want a dog. I don't like them, don't want the inconvenience, smell, holiday issues, I don't want to have to watch the children around the dog. It's not really something you can compromise on through rational discussion. However, I would ask him again 'can you tolerate a dog?' and 'will you ever see a time when you might consider us getting a dog?' just to really clarify the situation...

Have you never had a conversation about it? ie

You : I want a dog
Him: I don't

If so, then yes, he does owe you a conversation about it.

Gold medal for Chippin. That's beyond genius! :o

Please don't be offended but, perhaps he thinks you've 'gone on' about it your whole relationship knowing full well he doesn't want a dog. That being the case his only recourse now is to say no and not discuss it further, musch as you would a whiney child. I appreciate that seems harsh and I'm sure you haven't intended to come across like that, I'm just putting it forward as another POV.

For me, though, a dog would be an outright 'no.' I don't like dogs - am a little nervous of them if truth be told - and wouldn't consider sharing a house with one. It's not the extra work necessarily, or the doggy smell (although both are pretty grim), but the dog itself. However, I've always told DH this whenever he's mentioned it. If your DH has never objected before when you've mentioned it, it's odd that he won't discuss it now.

My DH knows not to ask seriously because I've made it clear I couldn't/wouldn't have a dog.

Chippin that is pure class.

It is pretty disrespectful not to even discuss, to be sure. However, I do believe that all the family need to really want the dog for it to work. Though appreciate you will do most/all the work involved. They are a major tie though, so perhaps DH is thinking, doesn't want to be having to worry about dog only being left for 3 hours or whatever.

Though he could have the decency to air his view/concerns.

YANBU.

HOWEVER
I was your DH, to an extent, did not want a dog. DH banged on about desperately wanted a dog and eventually I caved and we got one. I utterly regret it, she is a lovely dog, and I treat her with the utmost respect, but she is the bane of my life.

But it is the opposite situation to yours, ie. he wanted it, I do all the work. I wish I had said "not even open to discussion" as if I had, I wouldn't have caved. Because we wouldn't even have discussed. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

But it's not in my nature to refuse to discuss something with DH, so realistically that would never have happened, and therefore, I'd still be back where I am!

Which is still a long winded way of saying, YANBU, but putting another point of view you might (or might not) be interested in...... Maybe DH is worried he will cave in like me when truly, deep down, he knows he does not want. I wish I had stuck to my guns.

I know he doesn't want one, but he didn't want children when we first men - which wasn't an issue at the time as I was only 16. Our lives changed and as that happened he decided he did want a family.
I thought that as our circumstances changed again as we got older, we would get a dog, but not until the children were older, etc.

The fact that I can't have one isn't what's bothering me (okay so it is a little), it's the refusal to talk about it that is really upsetting me.

I have a friend with a dog I'm sure I could borrow for an hour or two just to make him realise that I can be as single minded as he is.

Maybe it is because you have children that are now a bit more independent (how old are they?) that he doesn't want a dog now.

I know that I couldn't have a dog now because I'm enjoying the freedom I've got. I believe that having a dog would be similar to having another child, in some ways

So basically he's been saying 'no' for thirteen years and now you're ramping it up? I think it's pretty obvious that he never really wanted one and therefore is not likely to want one in the future.

What's the point in pretending you've bought a dog and making it into a conflict? How would you feel if he borrowed a mate's Porsche (or something else you wouldn't want) and told you he'd bought it. You can't 'a bit' own a dog, and he doesn't want one. He's never wanted one. So what's the point in making it an issue?

I adore friends' dogs but I know deep down I am a little bit scared of them, not having been brought up with them around. There would be no point in me talking about it, because I really, really would never want one.

Bibi with the utmost respect, you cannot compare wanting/not wanting kids with wanting/not wanting a dog. Wanting kids is part of what we are, part of our instinct and reason for being. Having a dog frankly, is not and is a complete PITA!

I majorly resent my dog, and will be cross with myself for every day she is alive because she is the evidence that I was weak and gave in on something I didn't really agree with. But I have to live with it, and go out of my way to make her life as nice as I can. It's my weakness, not her fault.

But I agree, it is unfair of your DH not to discuss. But god, if he really doesn't want a dog, respect his views! (If he would express them!)

Meant in the nicest possible way BTW.

What I don't understand is why any adult would allow another to tell them what they can or cannot have or do.

I'm dog-mad but even if the object of your desire was a red carpet, a canary or a rotary washing line I'd still be scratching my head trying to work out why on earth anyone is willing to be told or would feel the need to ask permission.

JamieLeeCurtis, they're not that old that we have any freedom/independence from them tot he point where dh would miss it, dd1 is 6 and the dts are 3.
We don't do anything that we couldn't do with a dog. We don't go out together, or if we do it is very, very rarely (no babysitter), we spend our weekends in local country parks or at the beach and we haven't gone abroad in almost a decade, plan our summer hols from now on being camping trips, and can't ever see a time where we could afford to go abroad with 3 children.

I think he's being mean. Am so tempted to just rock up tomorrow evening with a dog in my car.

I do appreciate all your views on this, I'm not taking offence at anything said. BUT I do think wanting children/a dog is comparable. I would have happily had another baby, and always wanted a large family. I think the urge with most humans, certainly me, is to nurture and love and exist within a family... which would include a dog. It's not like they don't contribute to family life and are nothing but a PITA.
Maybe to him it would be, but not to me.

My DH wants a dog, and I don`t.

I would be annoyed to bits if he just showed up with a dog.

We don not "discuss" it, as DH KNOWS my point of view, as I guess you know your DH`s.

Respect works both ways, calling him "mean" is just childish.

But Valhalla, the dog wouldn't be something just Bibi would have. It would be in their house 24/7, and the DH would probably need to be involved in its care. It's not like a handbag or something.

Maybe he doesn't want to admit why he doesn't want a dog. Could he have been bitten as a child or something and not want to tell you? Why are you suddenly so desperate for a dog when for the past 13 years you have been OK, although low-level resentful, about not having one? What's changed?

I want him to see that a dog could enrich our lives not necesasrily be a drain on it, which he thinks it would. It would teach the children responsibility and respect for other creatures, beyond anything we could just tell them, and ensure we all went out as a family for daily exercise (except in the rain when I know it would be me and me alone) which we could do now, granted, but don't.

YANBU - I am in exactly the same situation.

My dh says no to a dog but I am still getting one. He has had what he wanted (no dog) for 18 years, now it's time for me to have what I want.

It's called sharing and taking turns, like they teach you in reception class

Why do some people think it's ok to always have what they want in the relationship? I just don't get that sort of mindset.

Go get your dog, and make it a a gorgeous cute one and then put his piccy on your profile for us all to see.

If he doesn't want a dog at all he probably thinks there is nothing to discuss. I grew up with dogs and I quite like them, but there is no way I want the responsibility of owning one.

To be a good dog owner you need to take it out for two longish walks a day and last thing at night regardless of the weather. On days when you are unwell or can't walk the dog for some reason you can't expect your OH to do it. Then there is the smell and the muck (dogs can't wipe their feet or remove shoes when coming into the house), the expense - vet bills, dog food bills and lastly they are such a tie. We don't have family on our doorstep and visit them on a regular basis. If we owned a dog it would have to spend a lot of time in kennels.

If your OH flatly refuses to have a dog in the house there is very little you can do about it. Like having children it isn't exactly something you can compromise on unless you offer to look after someone else's dog while they are on holiday or do some dog walking for some extra cash.

I hate cats, absolutely caant stand them. If DH said he wanted a cat then it would be a 'no' end of conversation. What is there to discuss if he has said for 13 years that he doesnt like dogs and doesnt want one? I think you just ahve to accept that there will be no dog!
The argument that 'no one can tell me what I can and cant have!' doesnt cut it really as in that case I could just have another baby, which I'd love to do, but DH says 'no' to, or I could move my Mum in with us because I want her here etc. Crazy.
Its DH's house and family too, you cant bring in another living being to join taht family if DH really hates the thought of it