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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to expect DH to discuss with me rather than just say no

94 replies

BibiThree · 19/10/2010 16:48

Basic info: I want a dog, have never been shy about my wanting a dog in the 13 years me and dh have been together. He doesn't want one but isn't a pet person really. Now we're settled as a family, children are old enough to cope with an addition to the family and I know we can't have any more babies, I would love to have a dog.
I work part time and the girls are in school,
I've done my research, grew up always having at least two dogs so am under no illusions as to the amount of work involved.
DH has said no and will not discuss.
AIBU to expect him to at least listen to me and let me explain why I think it would be a good idea or should I just accept he doesn't want one and leave it at that?
He's generally a v easy going h, he can be stubborn but this has shocked me a bit. He's making me feel like I'm being a brat about it but I don't think I am, I think I want to talk about it.

OP posts:
Scuttlebutter · 20/10/2010 01:05

Bibi, I'm a dog nut (I adore them and we've got three) but here's the thing - my sympathies are entirely with your DH. No reputable rescue or breeder is going to home a dog where an adult living there is so clearly unhappy about it. Why? In these circumstances, the homing is much more likely to break down and sooner or later, the dog will end up in a rescue. Yes, the dog would be primarily your responsibility but what happens if you are suddenly taken ill, or need to get a job, or one of the DC is taken ill? Who is responsible then?

Dogs smell, they are a financial drain (even with insurance), will outlast your children leaving home, make a mess, leave hair everywhere, tie you to the house, can bark, and need lots and lots of exercise every single day, rain or shine.

Let's talk about the money. If you're rolling in it, great, but for many families, especially in the current economic climate, cash is tight. Maybe your DH doesn't think the family budget can stretch to the full cost of the dog. As well as the cost of the animal, there's food, worming, vaccinations, bed, coats, collars, some breeds need professional grooming/trimming regularly, kennels when you go on holiday, maybe a change to the family car, and of course insurance. And even if you have insurance, alot of ongoing vet costs won't be covered, and don't forget you have to meet the excess on each claim.

If you really want a dog in your life, there are many, many ways of doing this that don't involve owning one. Volunteer with the Cinnamon Trust, and help an elderly or terminally ill person by walking their dog regularly. Contact your local dogs home or rescue - they are usually desperate to have the dogs in their care walked regularly. Help out at your local rescue kennels/dog charity - again, dog charities are desperate for people to help move dogs, volunteer, in so many different ways. Most of the dog charities I know would bite your arm off (metaphorically) if you turned up to help out regularly.

Another option is to become a foster home for a dogs charity, again they'd be keen especially since you have children. This might be an ideal way for your DH to see what the reality of actually living with a woof is like, with the happy thought that the dog will be going at the end of a relatively short period, and while it is with you, its vets bills and food are paid for by the charity.

This is about trust and respect, but also the dog (if you got one now) would be an innocent creature forced to live with an adult who did not want it there - I would never put any dog in those circumstances willingly.

SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 20/10/2010 01:11

Something all the dog lovers seem to be missing is a big difference between dogs and children - children grow up. They stop shitting everywhere and needing constant attention to their needs. Animals don't.
And I wouldn't live with a dog, or cat, or hamster, or gerbil, either. I'm allergic to everything with fur. Literally - as in sneezing, wheezing, eyes swollen shut - it's not impossible that the OP's DH has the same problem but is sick of being told that it's either attention-seeking or a sign of moral failure to be extremely reluctant to go anywhere near furry shit-machines.

Stinkyoldclottedcatspus · 20/10/2010 01:17

'let's substitute "A Dog" for "Sex".'
I want sex, my partner doesn't. What should we do?
Maybe, discuss it like mature adults and try to find a way of sorting it out?
I live with a man I love dearly. However, he doesn't do discussion. He does, 'i don't want to'.
'I don't want to have a relationship' ( nineteen years ago)
'I do t want kids' ( Ds 14 Dd 11)
'i don't want to buy a house' (we've bought three so far whilst working our way up the ladder)
'i don't want a dog, want to drive, even though I have a license, knock out that wall, paint the living room.....' he never wants to do anything and never discusses! He just hates change!
Like someone already said, he's had what he wants for 13 years, when is the ops turn?

SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 20/10/2010 01:25

Stinky: do you never worry that he will up and flee one day, stating that you have overridden him for the best part of 20 years and completely ignored his wishes?

Stinkyoldclottedcatspus · 20/10/2010 01:33

Nope. That would involve change! It's not so much overriding his wishes, as nudging him in the direction of something he doesn't realise he wants!
He was young when we met, fancied me but was scared of not being single, it's now been 19 years. He idolises his kids and is dead chuffed to be sitting on 100k in equity! I didn't force his hand on any of these subjects. You can't force someone to be in a relationship.

Heracles · 20/10/2010 02:22

What's to discuss, there's no middle ground to reach. You'll either have a dog or you won't (unless you live in Tokyo).

sparkle12mar08 · 20/10/2010 08:30

If you brought a dog into my house after 13 years of no, I wouldn't be the one leaving that's for sure...

booooooooooyhoo · 20/10/2010 09:50

OP you know your DH does not want a dog. if you respect your husband you will not pursue this anymore. he has made his feelings clear for 13 years. you cannot get any clearer than "no i don't want a dog. the only reason you want to discuss it is because you want to change his mind and he knows he wont change his mind. tbh the way you have been on here comes across as a bit childish as in, "i want a dog and i am going to huff til he caves". if you want a dog that is fine, but you can't bring it into a shared home when he doesn't. i think you need to make the compromise here. foster a dog, start dog sitting/walking volunteering at a local rescue centre. I'm sorry but we don't always get what we want in life, compromising isn't giving him his own way. it is giving you what you want in a way that respects your husband as and equal in your home and relationship.

Acanthus · 20/10/2010 10:00

Do you have enough time to home a guide dog before it does its proper training? (I know it's a big commitment). That could be a time-limited way of having a dog (ie a compromise - which is what you need Grin)

cory · 20/10/2010 10:18

I would quite like a dog, dh doesn't. Dh gets his way, because having an animal you don't want in your own house is actually a pretty big invasion of your personal space.

Those of you who think the OP should have her way because she is an adult and not to be dictated to, how would you feel if your dh decided to invite his mum to come and live with you. After all, he is an adult, no reason he shouldn't get what he wants, is there?

In fact, a MIL would be far more self sufficient- even if dh was ill one day, you wouldn't risk having to walk her and pick up her droppings. Dogs are lovely. But you can't pretend they're not there.

2blessed2bstressed · 20/10/2010 10:37

Just felt the need to say - dirty,wet dogs smell. Clean dry ones do not. Even my mum (who really doesn't like dogs), will admit that my house does not smell of dog at all.
So, that's one out the window!

scotsmuminengland · 20/10/2010 10:45

I want a dog but my DH doesn't. We have comprimised and he says that we will have one when he retires.

Only 15 years to go.......

mayorquimby · 20/10/2010 10:51

"I would quite like a dog, dh doesn't. Dh gets his way, because having an animal you don't want in your own house is actually a pretty big invasion of your personal space."

Couldn't agree more. It's a huge thing, it's not like an inanimate object which you don't approve of. It's an animal which you don't want sharing your home.
It's all well and good saying "it will be the op's dog. It will have nothing to do with him" but that is frankly bullshit.
Even if he doesn't have to walk or feed it, having an animal which you don't want in your house will ultimately make you feel uncomfortable and not relaxed in your own home.
And as suggested what happens when the op is sick or has to work late or wants to go away for a weekend or even just a night out and can't get home to walk or feed the dog (lets say it's a sister/friends wedding or hen weekend ) will all the people advocating her right to impose a dog on her husband also defend his right to leave the dog go hungry and without exercise ending up shitting and pissing in the house? No they'll be on saying he's being an unreasonable animal abusing cunt who should be flexible and just take the bloody thing for a walk.
Bottom line is you can't have an animal in your house and not be affected by it. And having a dog in the house when one partner doesn't want it is not only unfair on her dh but also on the dog.
Yes it should be more than a simple "NO, AND THAT'S THAT" but at the same ppoint after 13 years of saying he doesn't want a dog in his house what more can he say at this point? You can't compromise and sort of have a dog, talking about it when neither are going to change their mind will just go round in circles and drive each other mad.

Deliaskis · 20/10/2010 10:54

It sounds a lot like your DH thinks you have actually been discussing this for 13 years and no he hasn't changed his mind.

I'm all with your DH on this, it is a massive invasion of private space to have an animal or a person in your home who you don't want.

I think it's useful to compare this to having a person (be it an adult relative, a friend from university, or a new baby) in your house who you don't want there. No matter how much you discuss it, if you don't want it, you don't want it. It's not about one person saying yes or no and who has control or gets to 'win' the argument, it's about pressuring/forcing someone to undergo a substantial change to their lives, that they don't want, and have always been very clear about not wanting.

He should discuss it with you, but if the point of the discussion is to try and change his mind, then that's not really a discussion, it's an ambush.

D

HecateQueenOfWitches · 20/10/2010 10:57

having a dog is a huge commitment for the whole family.

It will affect your husband - holidays - what about the dog. Days out - got to get back for the dog. What if you're ill - who walks the dog?

It's not like you can get a dog and it will only affect your life! So it's not fair to insist that your husband takes on something that he really doesn't want to, when it is going to restrict his life too.

ohrubbish · 20/10/2010 11:19

I can understand why you want your husband to discuss it properly with you but I can see why he is reluctant to do so. My DH wants a dog and I really don't. I actually like dogs - as long as they are someone else's responsibility. What might be an idea is to say to your husband that you want to understand his position and then each make a list of why you want/don't want the dog. That way you can each put forth your views without feeling that the other isn't just going to argue with each point. I think though that you are unlikely to change your DH's mind and your posts come across as only wanting to hear your husband's reasoning so that you can argue with it. Over all I think you are being unreasonable.

expatinscotland · 20/10/2010 12:17

If it's that important to you, why don't you just move out of that house with £100K equity and go shack up with some smelly dog.

You're being very brattish about this.

clam · 20/10/2010 16:38

It's not as simple as "I want one, he doesn't," with both positions carrying equal weight. The default position is "no dog." If that is to change, then both of you have to want it. And he doesn't.

Stinkyoldclottedcatspus · 20/10/2010 18:30

The thing is, the point of the thread, as i see it, is not actually the dog. Its her DHs refusal to discuss in a mature fashion something she feels strongly about. Ive lived with this for years, about a wide range of subjects, and it is truly wearing. I didnt really put it well in my earlier post, (was late) but my dp does this all the time. Its a reaction to change, like a reflex. The first answer is always NO! This can go on anything from hours to years. When he finally does stop saying no and does talk about it, more often than not, he sees the point grudgingly agrees with it, then goes off to tell his mum what weve done and how good it is! The OP is not BU to want to have a discussion with her partner.

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