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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to discuss with me rather than just say no

94 replies

BibiThree · 19/10/2010 16:48

Basic info: I want a dog, have never been shy about my wanting a dog in the 13 years me and dh have been together. He doesn't want one but isn't a pet person really. Now we're settled as a family, children are old enough to cope with an addition to the family and I know we can't have any more babies, I would love to have a dog.
I work part time and the girls are in school,
I've done my research, grew up always having at least two dogs so am under no illusions as to the amount of work involved.
DH has said no and will not discuss.
AIBU to expect him to at least listen to me and let me explain why I think it would be a good idea or should I just accept he doesn't want one and leave it at that?
He's generally a v easy going h, he can be stubborn but this has shocked me a bit. He's making me feel like I'm being a brat about it but I don't think I am, I think I want to talk about it.

OP posts:

clam · 19/10/2010 18:10

And her DH is saying he wouldn't be prepared to tolerate this either.
You're contradicting yourself Vallhalla, as you say "If I objected that much to whatever it was he brought into the house ......then one of us would be leaving." OP's DH objects that much, and has been saying so for the last 13 years.
I think your viewpoint is skewed somewhat due to your own love of dogs.

clam · 19/10/2010 18:11

And I can't see a viable compromise here, either. Not with something like this. You can't have half a dog, after all.

Goblinchild · 19/10/2010 18:11

Don't you want every dog to be a wanted and loved animal?
By everyone it lives with?

booooooooooyhoo · 19/10/2010 18:11

sorry but i think if you have wanted a dog for 13 years then yoru DH is likely to know/ have heard all your arguments for it and if he is still against the idea tehn i don't think discuss it again in a more formal way (sit down discussion rather than passing comments) will change his mind. some people really aren't dog people.

i am an animal lover. whilst with EXp i had two cats, they are my cats and i did all teh associated stuff with them. EXp openly disliked the fact that he shared his home with fur. i have also wanted a dog for as long as i can remember, my life wasn't complete without a pooch. but EXp was against it and i knew no amount of discussion would make him any happier about having a dog tehre. so i dumped him and got a dog (i didn't dump him jsut so i could get a dog btw, tehre were otehr major problems, but the dog was one great benefit of leaving him)

Goblinchild · 19/10/2010 18:14

' i dumped him and got a dog'

In my eyes, that's the choice my OH would be making if he completely ignored my opinions, brought a dog home and said it was his.
No amount of talking about it would change my mind, and to have him go on and on and on and on about it would piss me off beyond measure.

booooooooooyhoo · 19/10/2010 18:17

FWIW i don't think taking this to teh doghouse topic would have much different response as most pet owners agree taht teh whole family ahs to be in agreement in order for it to wwork. you are taking on another life, it isn't liek a motorbike or redecorating teh bedroom it is a life. most pet owners get that.

this isn't a pet issue, it is a relationship issue.

booooooooooyhoo · 19/10/2010 18:18

goblinchild you do know i didn't actually dump him because of that don't you?

Rebeccash · 19/10/2010 18:18

I don't trust anyone who doesn't like dogs (runs and hides)

passionfruity · 19/10/2010 18:21

There's no way we'd have a dog (smell, dirt, expense, hassle etc) but if my children or DH really wanted a pet I might, reluctantly, agree to a goldfish

Goblinchild · 19/10/2010 18:23

'goblinchild you do know i didn't actually dump him because of that don't you'

Oh yes, I know that you were far more reasonable that I would be.

ChaoticAngel · 19/10/2010 18:24

His house... It's her house too.

'I won't do what I'm told' He's her dh not her boss/father.

Op, your dh should at least discuss it with you even if it's only to tell you his reasons (which may be perfectly valid) for not wanting a dog.

Casserole · 19/10/2010 18:41

Valhalloween I think if one is going to approach big decisions like taking on a dog in such a selfish manner, then marriage probably isn't for that person. You don't get to just do whatever you want, whenever you want, all the time when you're married / living in a family. The other people living in that family unit have rights too.

The OP not having a dog is not the same level of inconvenience to her as it would be to her husband having one.

OP you don't feel your husband is respecting you. I think he probably feels you're acting the same way. He has repeatedly made it clear over the years that he doesn't want a dog. So what purpose would the conversation serve that you want to have, unless your intention is to railroad him into changing his mind?

Go walk dogs for a dog shelter.
Or come and walk mine

SandStorm · 19/10/2010 18:45

You've made it clear you want one, he's made it clear he doesn't - what conversation is there to be had?

I've had this very conversation with my husband and it goes, if you want a dog (him) that's fine but be aware I (me) will be moving out the next day.

clam · 19/10/2010 22:00

And it's all very well saying you'd be the one looking after it. But what about when you're out, and DH is home alone? The dog is fussing, or whining, or wants to go out in the garden, or come in from the garden in the wet with muddy paws. Or it's peed on the kitchen floor. Or worse. He can hardly ignore it. This is par for the course and not an issue if you like the dog, but if you don't, then these are exactly the things that would hack you off.

And how long before you start with the "oh, I'm busy, can you nip round the block with him?" or he suggests going away for the weekend, but "oh no, we can't, what about the dog?" He'll be painted as the bad guy for complaining about any of this, but he's telling you now, upfront, that he's not up for it. Which is fair enough, I think.

Original poster

BibiThree · 19/10/2010 22:37

I do not want to force a dog on him or bring a pet into a house where is becomes seen as a nuisance, which is why I haven't just gone to the pound and brought one home.
But why should what he doesn't want over-rule what I do want? Or the other way round? Which is why I wanted a grown up discussion about it all.
I accept there isn't much I can do if he really, really could not live with a dog, but I honestly don't think he has given it any further thought than "I don't want a dog", which pisses me off. He doesn't see any point in considering anything else. He does not want another baby either, which is fine, I accept that as we'd planned on two, got three (twins) and that's fine. I would love another baby but he has talked about why he is done, his reasons for not wanting any more and we have discussed it at length.

This, we have not. I do not want to accept no for no's sake.

OP posts:

PaisleyPumpkin · 19/10/2010 22:46

If you've "spoken about wanting (a dog) for our entire relationship" he probably thinks you'll just come up with an answer for all his concerns and it could turn into an argument.
I'm not saying he's right, just that in a roundabout way he's perhaps trying to avoid a confrontation.
He also probably knows that the DCs would be on side and doesn't want to feel bullied into getting a dog or else he's the spoilsport.

colditz · 19/10/2010 23:00

If someone brought a dog into my house after I said "I don't want a dog" I'd move out. be very careful about pushing this. Some people don't like dogs, and if you've been banging on about a dog for 13 years, I can understand why he's now saying "No. End of discussion."

Think on this.

how would you feel if your husband insisted that one of his friends from uni came to stay, forever (or for at least 10 years), made no contribution, insisted on being taken to the park every day, rain or shine, shed hair everywhere, had to have expensive medical bills paid out of your joint income, had a distinct smell, and needed the same supervision levels as a 4 year old?

Your husband is blind to this mate's faults, by the way - but you are not.

That is how your husband would feel if you turned up with a dog. Like you would feel if he turned up with an annoying, destructive, messy, smelly, intrusive, uncontrollable, borderline incontinent lodger

Dogs are smelly, intrusive, expensive, dirty and a lot of people do not want to live with that. These people will not come to love the new canine lodger. Often, these people will move out, so be careful.

bruxeur · 19/10/2010 23:04

Christ it's been 13 years of nagging. I'm surprised there's still someone there to whine at.

fuzzysnout · 19/10/2010 23:06

Agree with valhalloween. He doesn't want a dog. You do. Why should his wishes overule yours OP? IMO you have compromised by not having a dog for so long. Where is his compromise? The least he owes you is a proper discussion as to his reasons. I'm not understanding all these posters saying they think dogs are too dirty, smelly & hard work - much less than DC's IMO

wineandroses · 19/10/2010 23:57

Having a dog is a big commitment and if your DH doesn't want that commitment why are you trying to force it on him? It's a living addition to your family that you all have to want. You may have wanted a dog for 13 years but he hasn't and it is probably the case that further discussion won't change anything - just make you more resentful. I love dogs but if I didn't I would expect my DH to respect that and not try to force me to change my mind. Its nothing to do with him "dictating" to you, it's about him having the right to say no to such a big commitment.

Goblinchild · 19/10/2010 23:59

Do it.
He's probably wanted a pet walrus for the same length of time.
Or a Swedish masseuse.

expatinscotland · 20/10/2010 00:03

YABU.

If it were me and you brought in a dog, I'd get rid of it whilst you were out.

colditz · 20/10/2010 00:03

let's substitute "A Dog" for "Sex".

"My husband really wants to have sex. I don't want to have sex. We haven't had sex for 13 years. What shall we do?"

"He should start having sex with you whether you like it or not. he's compromised for 13 years - it's your turn to compromise."

there is no compromise when it comes to sharing your living space with another living being.

I love my children, I chose my children - to have smoene turn up with a dirty 4 year old and say "We haven't had one of these because you didn't want to, but I did and now it's your turn to compromise - live with it!" Could you? Could you just accept another person into your home without batting an eyelid just because your partner wanted them there?

I'd leave.

expatinscotland · 20/10/2010 00:05

I'd street the dog. No question about it.

You go out to do an errand or what have you without that nasty dog, and I'd load it up, drive out to the middle of nowhere, and sing 'Born Free' as I let it out.

thesecondcoming · 20/10/2010 00:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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