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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to discuss with me rather than just say no

94 replies

BibiThree · 19/10/2010 16:48

Basic info: I want a dog, have never been shy about my wanting a dog in the 13 years me and dh have been together. He doesn't want one but isn't a pet person really. Now we're settled as a family, children are old enough to cope with an addition to the family and I know we can't have any more babies, I would love to have a dog.
I work part time and the girls are in school,
I've done my research, grew up always having at least two dogs so am under no illusions as to the amount of work involved.
DH has said no and will not discuss.
AIBU to expect him to at least listen to me and let me explain why I think it would be a good idea or should I just accept he doesn't want one and leave it at that?
He's generally a v easy going h, he can be stubborn but this has shocked me a bit. He's making me feel like I'm being a brat about it but I don't think I am, I think I want to talk about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

BibiThree · 19/10/2010 17:28

What has changed in our lives is that we can now accommodate a dog, whereas before I worked full time, on and off I was pg or with v small child, and it wasn't practical. I'm not suddenly desperate for one, I've always wanted one but have accepted that it hasn't been right for our family, but now I think it could be.

Obvisouly I won't just buy one without consulting him, I wouldn't dream of it, that's not how our marriage works. "Mean" was a joke, I am not a spoiled little girl who doesn't like not getting her own way. But I would also never flat refuse him something he wanted without discussing it first.

OP posts:

blackwell · 19/10/2010 17:29

You're ideas aren't that persuasive, Bibi. I bet you ANYTHING that the 'walking the dog as a family' thing lasts exactly 2 days. Your DH probably doesn't feel like going for a walk every single day (hence the lack of enthusiasm about the dog) so he will stay home and watch telly while you try to haul all 3 kids along with you, and they will probably want to stay at home too most of the time.

I'm sure you're teaching your kids to respect and care for things just fine as it is.

It does seem at the moment you are looking at it all a bit too optimistically.

anonymousbrainsnatcher · 19/10/2010 17:30

Bibi. My DH told me that a dog would "enrich our lives (almost his exact words). I gave in, as detailed above.

Two and a half years later, all I see is a "drain" as you call it, yes she is sweet, and funny or whatever, but god I wish she wasn't here. I really really do. I am about to move into rented property and nearly couldn't rent anywhere, because of the dog. We can't go away for a night anywhere, unless she can come with or goes in the kennel. I can't take her to friends' houses. I cannot go out for "the day" unless it is something with her. I see little or no upside for me (and I like dogs, very much, I just don't want one in my life 24/7).

I want to go back to work, but of course, now because of the dog my options are majorly limited. There are so many things that have made me think " Oh god, the damn dog".

So you cannot assume that DH will be persuaded a dog will enrich your lives. My bitter experience is that a dog does not necessarily do that.

Original poster

BibiThree · 19/10/2010 17:31

I am not running ladies, I will be back but people are arriving home and I'm on dinner duty.

OP posts:

JamieLeeCurtis · 19/10/2010 17:33

Maybe there is a compromise - you become a dog walker for a charity?

overmydeadbody · 19/10/2010 17:33

If he's not a dog person and you've always known this what would be the point of him discussing it with you?

Yeah he sounds a bit bad at communication, but he doesn't want a dog, at all, there is no point trying to persuade him otherwise.

ChippingIn · 19/10/2010 17:33

Do it - borrow the dog!!

I don't understand why people who don't want the dog feel it is their decision - why should the OP just accept her DH doesn't want one? It's as much her life & house as his? Yes it's more inconvenient to him to have a dog than for her not to have a dog, but it's a less rewarding life for her not to have it ... it needs to be discussed and agreed on.

The situation is different to that of anonymousbrainsnatcher in that the one wanting the dog would be the one looking after it.... ABS - why do you let him get away with that??

Bibi - I think he needs to come up with some reasonable reasons why he doesn't want a dog - 'because I don't' is just a childish response. If he can't come up with any good reasons, then I don't see why you shouldn't get one, just make sure he doesn't get lumbered with looking after it at all :)

JamieLeeCurtis · 19/10/2010 17:35

sorry - I see Bunbaker hassuggested this

Or maybe you should just have another child?[hgrin]

blackwell · 19/10/2010 17:35

Have you really neverhad a conversation about why he doesn't want a dog? You must have had it once, surely?

If he really hasn't given you any reasons, then he should so YANBU in that. But if you have had the conversation once, but you keep wanting to 'discuss' it again so that you convince him to your opinion then YABU, because that gets old pretty quickly, and that would be why he doesn't want to talk about it again.

overmydeadbody · 19/10/2010 17:36

I'm with anonymous. Good points she makes.

I could not cope with a dog, or any other pet for that matter, and would never be persuaded by DP or DS or anyone else to get one, because I kno it won't enrich my life.

If DP or DS kept wanting to sicuss it with me and try to persuade me otherwise I wold get anniyed and see it as a bit disrespectful tbh.

JamieLeeCurtis · 19/10/2010 17:38

ChippingIn - I can think of several good reasons not to get a dog - and I'm sure OPs husband can too ... they won't convince though, because they will be all about logic whereas hers will be about emotion

Vallhalloween · 19/10/2010 17:40

"If your OH flatly refuses to have a dog in the house there is very little you can do about it".

WHAT??? Are you sure, Bunbaker?

So if someone tells an adult no then they must just do as they are told?

Bibi, I think as Chippin does and also feel that it's unfortunate that you have happened upon a number of people who don't like dogs and so the balance of opinion on this is pretty one-sided in your DH's favour.

If you posted on the Doghouse threads I think you'd get vastly different reactions.

toddlerama · 19/10/2010 17:41

Are there compromises you could make? Do you have enough outdoor space to build a kennel and have an 'outdoor' dog? I would object to DH making me share living space with an animal even if he did all the work to care for it (HA!).

overmydeadbody · 19/10/2010 17:44

VallHalloween I agree with that too. If he doesn't want a dog in the house she should respect that and not just get a dog anyway. So there is little she can do about it.

We're not talking choice of sofa or paint colours here, we're talking about a huge thing that completely changes your life, much like having a child.

If a man refused to have a child there would be nothing the woman could do to chasnge that, all she could do is decide whether to accept it (and stay with him) or not accept it, and leave.

It's much the same with a dog. If he doesn't want one in his house she needs to accept this.

YunoWhatYouDidLastSummer · 19/10/2010 17:45

Be careful.

I desparately wanted a dog (and like you knew exactly what was involved, have always had dogs). Dh did not.

He caved and we got a dog. I adore dogs and was absolutely confident that once dh got to know and love the dog, and she was a part of the family, he would love her too. Of course, he is kind to her and loves that I love her, but he doesn't like her.

He didn't want a dog and now we have one he still doesn't want a dog.

It had genuinely never occured to me that someone could not love a dog in the family. (This was before I discovered Mumsnet and learned that there are vast swathes of weirdos people who dislike dogs).

Just in case you are convinced that he'll come around if you do get one. He might not.

blackwell · 19/10/2010 17:45

How can you make someone want a pet Valhalla ? It's a massive deal. If he continues saying no, what do you actually suggest she does?

Vallhalloween · 19/10/2010 17:50

Blackwell, I'm not speaking of making someone want a pet. I'm saying that I would have the dog regardless of what I was told I may or may not do. I'm not suggesting that the OP does this, it's not my place to... this is just what I would do.

JamieLeeCurtis · 19/10/2010 17:52

Valhalloween - I do like dogs, but I can see the OP's husband's point of view

clam · 19/10/2010 17:55

Valhalla, it's not a case of "doing as she's told." Having a dog in the house is a massive commitment and one which should not be undertaken unless everyone in the house is fully on-board with the idea. I guess her DH says there's no point in discussing it because he knows he's not going to change his mind. She could explain her reasoning til she's blue in the face and then he's still going to have to say no at the end of it.

"it hasn't been right for our family, but now I think it could be." No it couldn't, because YOUR DH DOESN'T WANT ONE!!!! And he's part of that family, is he not?

blackwell · 19/10/2010 17:57

But surely some compromise is necessary in a relationship? I adore cats, but if I decided to marry someone who hated them (which I don't think I would as I have A Theory about people who hate cats) or was very allergic to them, then I wouldn't expect to change their mind.

Would you really just go ahead and buy a dog in this circumstance? Would you be OK if your husband just went off and bought something which you had expressly said you did not want in the house, just because he 'really really' wanted it?

Onetoomanycornettos · 19/10/2010 18:02

Yes, of course the option is always there to go against the wishes of your partner and tell them 'I won't do what I'm told' like a stroppy teenager. However, when you are the person who wants to add something to the family (like a new dog, or a new child), you usually try to carry everyone else with you, surely? And if you don't, then you just have to lump it, IMO, or go against them and take the consequences (if my husband came home with a dog when I've said 'dogs are a deal-breaker for me', then I really would leave rather than live with a dog and such a disrespectful husband, but that's just me).

Vallhalloween · 19/10/2010 18:06

No Blackwell I would never buy a dog, regardless of circumstances.

I would adopt one from a pound or rescue though! :o

And yes, I would just go ahead with it. If my husband or partner did something similar, then so be it. If I objected that much to whatever it was he brought into the house (though I can't think of anything offhand which I would fuss about too much... it's a good thing I don't fear snakes, rats or spiders I guess!), then one of us would be leaving.

I just cannot agree with the concept of a person telling another adult what they can or can't do in this way. Fair enough if it was "You can't have a pony because we have only a concrete yard and a salary of £5K per annum", but this sort of reason doesn't seem to be the case with Bibi.

Each to their own, as I said I'm not advising Bibi, I'm merely saying that I wouldn't be prepared to tolerate it.

lucky1979 · 19/10/2010 18:08

Valhalloween - would you say exactly the same thing if the woman wanted a baby, that he can't dictate to her what she wants as she's an adut, so she should just stop taking her pill (or whatever) and get pregnant?

And I think she's better off talking to people who don't like dogs than people who do, as the ones who don't like dogs are the ones that feel like her DH, so she'll get people trying to help her understand his point of view.

GeekOfTheWeek · 19/10/2010 18:09

yabu

Its all very well doing as you please and refusing to accept 'no' as you are an adult etc. But, this will have a massive impact on your dh. Its also unfair on the dog to live somewhere it isn't wanted.

Dh and I are huge dog lovers but I can see why many don't want one. Tbh I think it should be a joint decision to get one and if one says no then that should be respected.

Goblinchild · 19/10/2010 18:09

If my partner wanted a dog and came home with one, I'd split the house and garden. His half and mine.
No dog in my half.
Ever.
He'd also have to sleep with his dog instead of me.

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