To be upset about yet another friend having a second, third baby when I can't

[pigletmania]

I know that I may be vvvvu as we already have a beutiful little girl, but yet another of my friends has announced that they are expceting baby number 2 when we are still struggling to concieve. We have been ttc for 1.5 years, and had a m/c at Christmas of last year which made us very . I just feel upset and angry that my body is letting me down badly. Everytime a pregnancy is announced in the news or with friends I feel upset and mildly hysterical, then get over it and forget about it until the next one is announced.

I know exactly how you feel because of the time I spent conceiving this one (thank you IVF) - it can be really upsetting and start all kinds of irrational emotional reactions.

hope you have success soon.

Thanks very much and congratulations too. I am feeling vvvv irrational, tearful and let down by my body. We might go to see the doctor in a year if nothing has happened, dd was concieved so quickly and thought that I would have no problem second time round.

Secondary infertility is awful because you feel that you ought to have less reason to feel upset about it because you already have one or more children. In reality the yearning is no different from primary infertility and at times is more acute when you're suddenly brought down remembering the biscuity smell of your first newborn(s) heads.

I hope it happens for you soon Piglet. It did for us, miraculously, and I give thanks daily to a deity I do not even believe in for making it possible.

YANBU you can't help your feelings. I lost a baby at 20 weeks and was desperate to get pg again. Took over a year and was awful every month being gutted and feeling a failure while watching others fall easily and have perfectly easy pg's. I truly hope you have success very soon aswell.

I understand how you feel too. We aren't having any more due to my mobility issues and the fact that DS has SN so requires round the clock care from me.

My friend is pregnant and when she told me, I did get a bit [henvy]

I'm not proud of it but I'll miss not having a bump ever again.

I hope you are able to get pregnant soon Piglet

Have a look at Zita West's book on trying to get pregnent, it's full of great advice. Hope things work out, good luck

Oh piglet I know just how you feel, the DTs are long awaited IVF babies and I remember that hollow feeling when friends announced their pgs, or I read about slebs being pregnant.

I would be tempted to go to the doctors now, rather than wait another year, if you have already been ttc for 1.5 years.

Good luck and I hope you get your second DC.

Thanks everyone I just had to get it off my chest. I felt mabey its my fault for being such a rubbish mum. Seashore will have to get that book and have a read.

Piglet it took me nearly 2 years to conceive DS2 and I used to dread hearing the news from others in the end. I also had a miscarriage after having tried for 18 months and taken Clomid. Secondary infertility is horrible but people generally make you feel like you should be grateful for what you've got and suck it up. Despite going on to have DS3 and a DD I will never forget how painful that time was in my life.
[hugs]

Aw - of course it's not your fault. I second the Zita West suggestion. Though I had to have treatment I think following her diet really helped me too.

It's never too early to go to the GP IMO, even if you have to stretch the truth a bit about how long you have been trying.

yanbu, the whole thing is dreadfully unfair. Fingers crossed that it happens for you soon.

I'm right there with you. My best mate had a baby on the same day I had surgery to remove an ectopic pregnancy and lost my fallopian tube. It helped to call her and talk about her labour etc but man is it a hard feeling. I too have a child who I love and who is gorgeous. Its hard to shake off the number 2 (pardon the pun) obsession and guilt for thinking about it all the time. I think until I get preggers sucessfully I will always feel a little stab of hurt with friends pregnancies. Awful but true. xxxx

Thank you so much it has really helped, yes having another one people say be grateful for what you have got, which of course I am but you cant help the feelings inside you really can't. Mabey I am worrying too much and its actually making things worse.

YANBU. I'm now officially past the age of conception and am deliriously happy with my lovely nearly 10 year old girl. However...I still feel a twang of jealousy when someone announces they're pregnant or when people say 'I'm trying for a baby' and 3 weeks later say 'oh, I'm pregnant'.

I also panic at people who tell you really early in the process as all 4 of my mcs were around 6-12 weeks and I always think they're being a bit rash. I can't remove the feeling I had when we had to tell people it had all gone pear shaped from my head. (well, we told people the first time...and that was just blardy awful!).

I then swallow down the unjust thoughts and congratulate them heartily and, if they're close, look forward to cuddles and buying some ludicrously expensive piece of fluff for their new bundles.

I think telling people to be grateful is daft and offensive. I have a friend who had a stillbirth and has had various miscarriages and also has a gorgeous 2yo. I am very glad & grateful she has the two year old, but for me to turn round and tell her to be grateful would be a bloody cheek not to mention horrendously patronising.
I don't see why you have any obligations to friends regarding the way you feel about their pregnancies. Of course we all have an obligation to not actually treat people horribly but you can't help how you feel.

Nothing you do (apart from downing a bottle of hard spirits a day or a load of drugs) is going to make it worse, piglet. It's not your fault at all. It just seems quite random in the end.

After three years of it, I was on the edge of madness. So I set up the Hut of Gloom here on MN and things picked up mood-wise eventually. But it was 6 years after starting trying before DD3 arrived, and there were NO obvious reasons why.

Huffy I will probably be in your position in a few years. I am an only child myself, my parents tried for years to have me and I was seen as the 'miracle baby', my parents were 42 and 52 when I was born.

Piglet...if your daughter is as lovely as you sound, you're a lucky woman. And you deserve to have more children. But we don't always get what we deserve.

It sounds like you have some time on your side though, so use it well. If you can look back, as I have, and say I did my best to provide my daughter with siblings, you can feel more content at the situation (at least, I do). And you may yet get lucky and get that second child.

I love being a mum. It's probably what's taken me from a successful career in management to a minimum wage job as a TA. I love working with the kids at school and enjoy watching the ones who struggle develop and grow. It's not the same, I know, but it's my way of using all my interest in child development and in letting kids learn through play.

After a recent health scare I've realised I love my life. I wouldn't change a darned thing about it. And that makes me prouder than anything.

Good luck with getting your second :)

Honey, I've had 3MC since DS (4.10) I have resigned myself to him being an only child.

It IS sad, I AM kind of wishing that there was another one for him to be with, but as I'm now 42, and there is no way on earth I'd let H near me again, he was useless before and I can't wait to see the back of him.

I love my DS, he has a little cousin, she is so far on her own, perhaps they can look after one another when I'm gone.

No you cant help how you feel seth really you cant. Sometimes feelings overpower my rationality.

Thanks huffy , I am the one on here doing the controversial threads and usually talking rubbish he he. My i phone keeps beeping with all the congratulations on fb this friend keeps getting grrr i will turn it off.

I know littlemisshissy I am 33, if dd does end up being an only child so be it, I was one and came out ok. She usually has my friends kids and her cousins to play with so will have to go to Italy to visit them more . My dh is not the one to go down the IVF route, he is happy we have one already.

YANBU

x

YANBU. You just can't help the way your feel.

I am very lucky to have boy/girls twins after 3 years of ttc and 3 attempts of IVF. I still get pangs of when I hear another friend or relative getting pregnant (usually in the first month of trying!). I know I can't have another child unless we go down the IVF route again but I don't think I could physically or mentally cope with that again, infact I know I couldn't!

I think we just have to be grateful for what we have but it doesn't mean to say can't also be upset. So sorry to hear about your m/c, please don't blame yourself, life just isn't fair sometimes.