To be upset about yet another friend having a second, third baby when I can't

[pigletmania]

I know that I may be vvvvu as we already have a beutiful little girl, but yet another of my friends has announced that they are expceting baby number 2 when we are still struggling to concieve. We have been ttc for 1.5 years, and had a m/c at Christmas of last year which made us very . I just feel upset and angry that my body is letting me down badly. Everytime a pregnancy is announced in the news or with friends I feel upset and mildly hysterical, then get over it and forget about it until the next one is announced.

YANBU. I had three mcs after DD1 and felt betrayed by my own body, horribly worried and anxious that she would be an only child. My doctor would not intervene with any help staving off the mcs until at least three. Miserable period of my life... although I loved DD1 to bits (to the extent I wondered if I'd have any love left over for a potential DC2) -- I wanted a sibling for her sake.

Wishing you all the best. xxx

YANBU i know how you feel. We have DD1 who is 8 and we started ttc#2 when she was 2, we tried IUI, Clomid etc etc i had 5 mc but i am now sat here looking at my 25 week old DD2. All in all it took 6 yrs from starting to ttc to when she was born.
I'm telling you this because it does happen please dont give up hope.
This wont help you now but all those feelings i had when ttc, the desperation, sobbing my heart out when other people got pg, the anger at life, the guilt that my DD1 wasnt enough and everything else seems like nothing now she is here. It was all worth it.

What you are feeling is normal,horrible but normal. Let yourself feel it and have a nice big glass of wine and some chocolate

I wish you all the best and am sending some baby dust your way in the hope you get pg soon.

YANBU - it can be bloomin' hard. Difficult to explain how physically you feel the gap to someone who hasn't been there.

I was especially enchanted to be interrogated as to my future intentions re kids by a colleague at a work do; I usually smile and just say that I'm probably too old now.

She continued for 10 minutes to berate me for being selfish for having only one child, and told me at length how she'd always hated being an only-child...this was merely days after my 3rd m/c. Managed to bite lip, smile sweetly and not say rude things...

Hope it works out for all of us one day...

This thread is interesting to me because I'm fairly sure my parents had secondary infertility. I'm an only child and when I've asked them in the past why I don't have brothers and sisters they just say 'we tried' but I've not discussed the subject with them in more detail.

I'm newly pregnant with DC2, and reading this thread, I'm worried that at some level it might be difficult for my parents to see me have two children when they couldn't. They seem very happy and excited, but I don't want to cause them unnecessary pain, even though any brothers or sisters I'd have had would be in their thirties. I guess the longing never really goes away?

Any advice?

YADNBU, Ican completly understand where you are we have a DS who is 3.7 and have been trying since he was born and have had two MCs and still not pregnant, its devastating when you keep seeing people pregnant, friends having babies and that group of woman with no boundaries who keep prying if you are having any more.
Hope you are successful soon, best of luck

Is this the book

YANBU - oh piglet don't say its your fault. Its easy to say try to relax about it, I know its not that easy. We tried for nearly 2 years for DD after havinf had a very quick conception with DS, after a year I had a MMC and thought I'd never have another.

Then my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer and my focus shifted. I was pregnant with DD within 2 months.

I have a friend who tried for 3 years, then decided to see a specialist, and within 3 months was pregnant through ICSI. She says she wished she'd tried it earlier.

And I think "you should be grateful you have one" is a dreadfully naive statement to make. My closest friend was unable to have more than one, and this was the comment that upset her most.

Very best of luck.

Wreckofthe some people can be so insensitive, do they not think that mabey its not as easy to have another one, my mum was 42 when I was born and she was trying a long time. Thankfulamum you got it in one, my half brother (my dads first marriage) had IVF and has 3 beautiful children, not quite right . Thank you all for all your lovely replys and uplifting stories. It makes me feel that I am not alone and that my situation is not as bad and there is hope

jellybeans When you got pregnant after losing a baby at 20 weeks did it make you more cautious about telling people early on about your pregnancy?

When I hear baby annoncements, out of sight is better with me, the less I see of them the better when they are pg and their growing bumps. Thankfully most of my close friends are older, and have had their families, these are the other more younger friends whome I am not so close to who are getting pg. I cant believe I feel that way, its so irrational. When there are other preganant mums at dds pre school I have to look away as it hurts so bad. I was only 9 weeks when I m/c last christmas of all times, at the same time i had a christmas card from another friend with a scan picture in and i was meant to be due for a scan on that week . That friend was trying for a long time herself, and had multiple m/c and a couple of eptopics before falling pg with her first so i really was made up for her.

I even started to tell people, so had to go an untell everybody.

It took me a long time to get pregnant and I am now 32 weeks with my first and fingers' crossed it will all be okay though I am still anxious of course and will be until I hold the baby (or for the rest of my life, as everyone keeps telling me). Anyway during my time struggling to conceive lots of friends got pregnant easily and some started trying for number 2. And I did feel that when they started complaining about how hard it was to get number two that they weren't really showing any sensitivity to me struggling for number one, because ultimately it is better to have one child than no children which is what I was facing.

That said, I also understand that sadness is sadness whatever your situation and that if you feel a certain way then your feelings are valid. We don't have to be more upset or less upset than someone else, it is enough that we are upset.

Sorry - not sure this adds that much to the thread other than to say be sensitive to people who don;t even have one child, but also be sensitive to yourself because if you feel bad then that is horrible and also a valid feeling.

x

YANBU. I always feel like I've got a rictus grin on me when I hear about a pregnancy because I'm trying so hard to be happy for them and to disguise that my heart cracks a little each time.

I beat myself up a bit because we left it later than we could have with ds and then there was a longer gap than there needed to be because I was so happy having him and money was tight. But I conceived so easily that once - in hindsight we should have just gone for it.

Then sometimes I think, maybe he was a miracle baby and we're so lucky to have managed it that one time.

Anyhoo, I know how you feel.

I've been in your shoes too, Piglet, and it can be very painful. We conceived ds immediately (the very first time, not even the first month) so were pretty confident we wouldn't have a problem with number 2, even due to our 'advanced age'.

Ha! Couldn't have been further from the truth! All of our friends (bar 2) had had second babies, and one had even had her third before we FINALLY conceived through IVF, after trying for nearly three years - ds will be 4 1/2 when this baby is born.

Each time I heard of each new pregnancy, I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach - luckily that feeling passed very quickly, and I could be genuinely happy for my friends, but there were certainly some tears along the way, as I wondered when (or even if?) it would be my turn.

I found Take Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler very interesting reading. Don't give up.

Best of luck, hope to see a thread from you soon with the title NUMBER 2 on the Way for Piglet!!!!!

Yellowflowers thats what i mean, at least I have one to hold and cuddle as i am typing this so yes I am eternally greatful for that precious gift. When I watched the programme 4 boys wanting a girl, I was at least they have dcs and can get pg.

I am fortunate not to have experienced infertility but have a sad number of experiences of being the one telling others my "good news" knowing that it's the last thing they want to hear.

Today was another of those days. I know it was really hard for a colleague to congratulate me on my pregnancy. I wanted to tell her I that I knew she wanted to slap me really. I just accepted graciously. Is that the right thing to do? Is there every anything you can say to show that you know how hard it is for them to hear you're pregnant?

Thanks kiwikat I will have to read that book, you just take it for gratnted that you will have a dc2 espcially when dc1 was quick to come. Each month disappointment and a 'nevermind next time'

It is so heartbreaking isn't it and people always demand to know why you only have one child. It does seem as though some people conceive so easily and have dream pregnancies, but so many people can't have any children, so those of us with just one are still blessed.

We have a 6 year old and started trying for a 2nd over 4 years ago. After a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks last year we tried again, but gave up after 6 months as the disappointment each month was all just too painful.

I am now 7.5 weeks pregnant (as they say, these things happen when you stop trying). I'm 41 so we are keeping everything crossed that all goes smoothly this time. I do hope you have some good news soon too.

Msbossy, I had to tell a friend who'd had three failed rounds of IVF about my pregnancy, and I agonised about it for ages. There's not really anything that you can say to lessen their pain - I've been on both sides now and I don't think I'd have wanted any of my pregnant friends to acknowledge my little spasm of jealousy/pain. Accepting graciously was (I think, anyway) the right thing to do.

Feel for you piglet. We tried for ages for a second child, but no luck. Oddly, I felt no pangs when people announced their first pregnancy, only the second!!

I can't say the hope died quickly; ludicrously, I was still hopeful past 50.

I wish you well.

I now have 2 children. The eldest is 10 and the youngest is 1. People often comment about that and not always tactfully. I've even been called selfish for waiting so long. The truth is that baby DD was my 8th pregnancy: I lost all the others and I had just about given up hope of ever having a second child.

YANBU - I agree with Seth that telling people to be grateful is daft and offensive. Grief and heartbreak cannot be measured and your pain is personal to you and often aggravated by a sense of guilt (encouraged by others) that you should be happy "with your lot".

I have two DC's (fertility treatment for 1st, 2nd happy suprise very shortly after) but have wanted another child for a long time. DS was stillborn and I had an early mc last Christmas. I am now pregnant with DC4 but still feel enormous pangs of envy and sadness when I see mothers with three "evenly spaced" children, because irrational as it sounds (and probably is) I wouldn't have chosen what I will hopefully get.