to hate breastfeeding my baby

[FeelLikeTweedleDee]

It's supposed to be nurturing and an amazing bonding experience. But I despise breastfeeding. I'm one of those malcontent mothers who breastfeed out of duty alone. When I read about mothers who enjoy breastfeeding and who feel sad when their child self-weans I feel like sectioning them.

10 Things I Hate About Breastfeeding:

1. THE PAIN. They say "if it hurts you're doing it wrong". That's one of the many breastfeeding bluffs you'll hear at antenatal classes (don't want to scare off all the new expectant mothers do we?) Well it hurts me and I've had my latch checked by a thousand professionals. Also I've had thrush. Also I have a very strong let-down reflex. Considering the let-down reflex is normal, and indeed essential, then it's safe to say that breastfeeding hurts and I'm doing it RIGHT.

1. YOUR BODY IS OWNED BY OTHERS. All through your pregnancy you console yourself by saying "I can't wait to give birth, then I can have my body back to myself". WRONG. As a breastfeeding mother, your baby continues to have dibs on your body.

1. THE HUMILIATION. Aside from imprisoning themselves in their home for 2 years, breastfeeding mothers have to face the humiliation of breastfeeding in public. Every Tom, Dick and Harry can get a view of your baps. Some may even decide to comment as you sit there and flop an udder out. So not only does your body belong to your baby, it also belongs to the general public too. You may as well sign on the dotted line because ownership ain't yours anymore.

1. LIMITED WARDROBE. Because someone else owns your body, that means that you have to dress to their tastes. Chest access is key. Say goodbye to that inseason lacy bodysuit you've had your eye on. Say goodbye to most dresses actually. Say hello to Primark vest tops and masculine shirts. Joy.

1. FORMULA CULTURE. Most people give up breastfeeding after a few weeks. Thus we live in a formula culture. Bottles are everywhere. On Congratulations cards, in soaps, in children's books, on babygros. The result is that most people (your close family included) think that by breasstfeeding you have changed into a strange earth-mother type, and maybe even slightly pervy. And of course you're the only BFing mother at your babygroup.

1. MRS MARTYR. As a breastfeeding mother you are soley responsible for your baby's continued existence on the plannet. Only you can feed baby. (It's understandable why a lot of new dad's support breastfeeding these days!) Welcome to the world of lonely midnight feeds. Welcome to your partner going for drinks down the pub whilst you stay at home, udders at the ready. But what about expressing I hear you say? For most women the breastpump extracts 3oz. As baby grows she'll want more than that. You make an appointment with your doc but she won't prescribe anything to increase your supply. Time to pop to Holland and Barrett to get some Fenugreek herbs. As a result you end up smelling of curry. Your FFing friends at the babygroup avoid your side of the mat.

1. SO-CALLED "PROFESSIONALS". Health visitors, midwives, GPs, breastfeeding counsellors - they don't know shit about breastfeeding. But they will love to mindfuck you with conflicting info. "Your breasts have dried up because the pump isn't getting much out". "Just top up with formula, it's fine". "Don't bother feeding past 6 months". Because this is your first time breastfeeding you don't know any better. You trust these professionals. As time passes you notice that a lot of what they have instructed you to do has actually sabotaged your BFing efforts. You swear that you'll learn from these mistakes for your next child. But what about your poor first child - the breastfeeding guinea pig.

1. GROWTH SPURTS. Every month or so you're going to hit one of these bad boys. You'll be constantly feeing every 1-2 hours. No sooner have you clipped your bra cup back up then your baby demands its next meal. If you were on formula you would simply increase the volume of feed and hand it over to dad/grandma/sister in law/the dog. Also because baby is feeding so frequently you worry that your milk is not enough, and you can't see exactily how much milk your baby is getting. Are you STARVING your baby? Dark throughts creep into the back of your mind. The old lady in the post office gives you evils as your baby screams the place down. "Baby needs her bottle" the old lady comments, tutting and shaking her head. You begin to wonder if she's right.

1. MONITORED INTAKE. Really looking forward to several double vodkas after giving birth weren't you? After 9 months of t-totalism, a big blow out was just what you needed. Well tough titties. And that medication for your acne? Say goodbye to it and hello to a face that resembles those Cath Kidston pokerdotted handbags.

10. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. A large part of motherhood is about making the right choices for your family. Stay at home - go to work, co-sleeping or seperate rooms, dummy or no dummy. And breastfeeding or formula feeding is one of those choices right? WRONG. you have no choice. From the moment of conception we are bombarded with "breast is best". The scientists and the government have made your choice for you. Afterall, you want to do what's best for your child, right? (How can you answer no to that question and not live with guilt).

OP - feel for you.

Breastfeeding is a normal biological function that the vast majority of the women round the world do and have done without thinking very much about it since we first crawled out of the swamps.

How utterly crap for you to feel so obsessed by it that it's distorting your self-image and your relationship with your baby and the world in general.

Go have a couple of glasses of wine to cheer yourself up (you can drink when you're breastfeeding y'know. Just not get so pissed you drop the baby).

And I know how you feel. I hate sex (another normal biological function) and wish DH would buy himself a plastic vagina so I don't have to do it with him. It's so humiliating I find. And I don't like the fact that he seems to feel some sense of ownership over my body. It's only the guilt and social pressure of 'being a good wife' that keeps me dropping my knickers for him on a regular basis.

Wanted to add, on a slightly less sarky note, that I've lived in developing countries where where breastfeeding is the norm. Women don't wear special breastfeeding clothes in these places or drape themselves with 'hooter hiders'. I get the feeling they don't really think or talk very much about breastfeeding - they just do it.

On a personal note I've done 5 years of bf and have never worn anything different from what I'd normally wear - but then I'm not a latex catsuit sort of person.

"I get the feeling they don't really think or talk very much about breastfeeding - they just do it."

Yes, you are absolutely right!

I only wear dresses and have found Issa and DVF wraps (as those are my staples) ideal to feed in. Pull to one side, lift up camisole. Same with a top, lift it up, or down. I wore until 20 months Anita underwired bras that fitted properly and had a good shape (I'm a 34F).

It has honestly never occurred to me that clothing was a problem. Ever. And I've fed on demand for almost 2 years.

And I regularly drank wine. My paediatrician said it was good to relax.

What do professional breastfeeders wear?

Meh, sometimes BFing is a PITA, but no more than any other aspect of parenting. Sometimes it is a lovely bondong moment and sometimes I want to scream NO! Get off me!

It varies depending on how I am feeling on any given day/moment, but as I said isn't worse than any other aspect.

Pregnancy/BFing is only for a couple of years, in the grand scheme of things it is worth the effort I think.

I haven't read the whole thread, so apologies if repeating, but these feelingas and this process is what happens when you turn from a person into a parent...don't worry, another year or so and you'll be crushed into acceptance, it takes some people longer than others...

I am breastfeeding my 11 week old after bottle feeding my first three children through fearbof what you have written in that list. None if it has come true so far.

I never had any pain even in the first days, being " owned" by others is a feature of motherhood not breastfeeding. I wouldn't feel humiliated to feed my baby although I have not done so in public without a blanket covering, no one has even glanced my way so far.
I don't own any special clothes at all, only thing I would have trouble with is very high necks as I pull my top down rather than up but i don't wear these anyway.
My husband doesn't do much baby care anyway he is more active with the older children so makes no difference also the night feeds after 6 weeks are much much easier and shorter than bottle-feeds for me.
Growth spurts haven't happened that i have noticed yet although she is only 11 weeks so maybe i am in for a shock.
Don't drink so doesn't matter to me,
And of course you have a choice we might be bombarded with a breast is best message but it is still the norm to bottle feed.

I have to say that most of what is on that list i could have written at certain points about my bottle fed babies too.

Yanbu, sorry you are feeling so angry op, why don't you express your 3oz each day and have a night out every now and then, or a lie in?

I think I have been lucky to get to 10 wks with no problems so far, so am not qualified to comment on the amazing frustration some must feel. Personally I love looking at the chubby, smiling little girl who is only getting that way because of me. I was prepared that BF might not work, but so far all ok. It was agonising for around the first 2 wks, I cried every time she fed off my left nork but we got there! And yes, sometimes let down is an arse too.

I have never been looked at awry when feeding in public, and bar a few higher necked tea dresses in my wardrobe I wear what I would normally wear, perhaps with a vest under, or a belly band. I always carry a few muslins for strategic draping or a pashmina.

YANBU for being frustrated, YABU for winding yourself up about it. Either you do it, and don't moan about it...or you don't and you feel happy about your decision.

Mrs C really ? are those the only options? Or can we sometimes do the right thing but find it a bit trying at times and have a little moan about it? :)

Yeah I guess. Like the fact I know I should be eating something healthy right now as it is nearly lunchtime but in fact I am eating a Mars Bar? I am drinking water with it, so that's alright then.

A 'little' moan, DialM ???? :)

Savoy Cabbage leaves in the bra are excellent for sore nips.
And a can of Stella every afternoon can do wonders for making you (and the baby) more relaxed...

My mum only breast fed me til I was four months, and I have never forgiven her. Oh all right then, I have. I am fine! Perfectly healthy!

Stop breast feeding, get that lacy bodysuit on
(Where can I get one??) and get on with your life!!

Oh yes, savoy cabbage leaves work wonders. Two in your bra and two in the fridge - and keep swapping htem over.

OK quite a big moan but mostly tongue in cheek I think and nobody stapled anybody's eyelids to their foreheads to make them read it did they?

In fact since posting OP herself seems to have completely lost interest and is probably in a lcy bodysuit mixing SMA as we speak.

Or changed her username and come back to flame herself...

I want a Mars Bar too. :(

I can identify with some of the stuff in the OP, but I don't feel nearly so strongly! It's a balance for me - there are things I don't like about breastfeeding...

feeding in public is still a struggle for me at three months;

my daughter feeds at least 2 hourly in the day, growth spurt or no;

I used to be really active before pregnancy and I can't see when I can find time to regularly exercise now;

I've got a couple of nights out planned in the next month and I'm going to have to start expressing now so that I can go.

But there are also things I love -

the spontaneity of being able to feed her whenever - and how easy it is to comfort her when she's upset (she'll never say no to a bf!);

the uniqueness of our feeding relationship - I'm giving her something no-one else can;

co-sleeping make the night feeds a gazillion times easier than they were with my ff older daughter;

being able to eat as much cake as I want.

I ff'ed my first daughter so I know from experience what that involves, and on balance I can't see myself wanting to stop breastfeeding any time soon - but that doesn't mean it's all roses.

I know this is AIBU but I don't see any need to flame the OP.

I remember feeling all of this at about 4-5 months, particularly as it wasn't working very well and ds was losing weight. He would latch on and moan a frustrated, angry sort of moan and pull on and pull off and I felt pretty crap about this wonderful, natural experience.

Once I started solids at 24 weeks, everything changed. I could hear him gulp milk, I could see it in his mouth, he started to gain weight.. and hold my finger as he fed and look at me. At nearly 11 months, now he giggles and kicks his legs in excitement when the boob is on its way and I love bfing.

I do recognise quite a lot of this still, though. It took me months to sort the wardrobe and realise you could wear a vest underneath just about any top and pull up/pull down. The assumption that because you bf at a certain point that you are an earth mama. The pain of it (recently revisited thanks to junior's seven teeth a-chomping).

It's just different now. The baby shock has subsided and I don't need to blame my boobs for it.

I will never, ever understand why people who are committed to bfing flame women who post like this, though.

Nellycats and anybody else I came across to as smug - I can assure you I so do not feel smug about BFing. I have found it very difficult, I stopped at 6 weeks with DS1 due to loss of confidence and rubbish advice, I exclusively expressed for premature DS2, but I feel better about how I did with DS3. DS4 however is currently teaching me, that I still have not got it cracked - whereas my nipples are (sorry, I could not resist that [hgrin]!). With all 4 of them I have had repeated bouts of blocked ducts and mastitis and no, I have not enjoyed a lot of it .

As far as my statement about formula goes, I stand by it. It is a Fact. Generations of women believing that FF is 'scientifically' made good stuff for their babies when it is in fact altered powered milk is simply a triumph of marketing and advertising . Made from cow's milk. With bits taken out and bits added. It does not contain live cells, it does not adapt to the baby's needs, it does not offer immunological protection. I am sure there is more.
Nobody should be made to feel guilty about how they feed their baby, just do not pretend it is a genuinely free choice. And I do not believe that women ought to be patronised and spoken down to along the lines of 'there, there, dear, you are finding it hard, it's fine, thank goodness we have this wonderful formula stuff which is just as good'. It is not.

My preemie DS2's life was sustained with FF as I never managed to express enough to actually feed him and I am very grateful that it was available. DS1 was fed mainly on FF. Neither fact make any of the above incorrect.

IMO education of pregnant woman should go FAR FAR beyond the intensely irritating 'Breast is Best' which suggests you have a choice between a Skoda and a Bentley (both cars, both do the trick, one simply in more luxury) and should inform more about the harm FF can do. Not does do, but can.
It is now accepted by the WHO and UNICEF that even babies of HIV+ women should be BF in poor countries. The benefits of BM far outweigh the risk of FF in these circumstances.

And yes, you can drink alcohol while BFing and there is no need to ditch expressed milk or anything.

At least we can share a fondness for The Wizard of Oz [henvy], though !

AND I want a Mars Bar too now, grr! See, there is another good point of BFing: you can give yourself the mental permission to eat what you bloody well want ! (You may get/stay fat, but with a clear conscience. My wardrobe has not changed with BFing as much as it has with having no selfcontrol needing to lose weight...)

Formula feeding is harmful ?

Could you provide the links/evidence for that please ?

No, just switch to ff if you want to. You don't get a medal at the end or anything.

Here

Study done in Sheffield

Here

Here

Explains where it all started to go 'wrong' 1850-1910

See, ScaryFucker, you don't scare me [hgrin]!

I could go on but apparently it is vitally important for the survival of my PFB to get to the shops before they close to get some Deadly 60 trading cards [hhmm].

Tbh, PW, your scaremongering is far more "scary" than a silly old MN name

I am just wondering, even after glancing through those links (I don't have several days to devote to them, more's the pity) how millions upon millions of FF children are growing up perfectly healthily and happily

You see, that just doesn't make sense, does it ?

I agree that, where possible, BF is preferable. But saying FF is harmful is another thing entirely.

Did someone ask for evidence? Why????????

Formula feeding isn't quite so harmful when your baby is wasting away on your breastmilk, IME.

Those are my feelings exactly ScaryFucker, it seems there is a polarization between breastmilk and formula that makes one nectar and the other poison.

On a lighter note: PacificWerewolf, we don't just share a love for the Wizzard of Oz, but also for Mars Bars... Oh sweet supercalorific goodness!