Dont work so whole family thinks Im the Gofor

[Suda]

I have taken early retirement - several reasons - left last job because of stress/office politics etc - the whole thing just making me ill/v.unhappy - plus I can afford to retire reasonably comfortably - since reaching 50 been able to draw works pension from a previous employer and was prepared to sacrifice luxuries anyway - also have very elderly parents who are getting more needy with every passing year obviously.

So made the decision - its time thats more precious to me than money plus never been a career girl - always worked to live not vice versa.

I just might add in case any flame throwers are getting primed that I have worked hard all my life - even two full time jobs for a short period and often had a full time and a part time job together. Also my DH is fine with it and he is not working to keep me - I am self sufficient.

Right heres the problem - I thought this would be wonderful - no stress - potter around - stress free - see more of DH and my family and friends etc etc. I was going to re- vamp my house/garden - get everything done that I never had time for etc. But in fact I feel like going back to work for a bloody rest !! I have now become - hears my new 'job description'.

My m-i-laws - telephone shopping and or taxi service - lives round corner.

My DDs after school club - expected to be available at one hours notice some days.

My dad - very elderly - think Victor Meldrew - locks onto some perceived disaster ( my kitchen light flickered - you'll have to come - lives 6 miles away! )and if you dont go round you will be on the phone about it ten times that day as punishment.

My mum and dads housekeeper - I do the lot - even though I have a sister and brother who live much closer. I know this is one of reasons I gave up work but I just get no help at all from siblings and I am run ragged

My step DGDs after school club - again at short notice - and never on the same day as my DGSs it seems !

Most days and not forgetting I have my own household to run clean and cook for etc I just feel I am permanently on the phone or driving someone around or doing errands or housework for somebody in the family.

I am exhausted and trust me those of you about to say how lucky I am not to have to work and how you would love to be a stay at home wife - just one tip - if ever you do get to that stage - and this is very important - DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TELL A SOUL - or you wont get a minutes peace. What pisses me off most is if you say no once in a blue moon - Ive tried this btw - they really see their arse - 'Well youre not working - whats the problem'

AAAAAAAAGGGHHHHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

I love all my family and m-i-l to bits btw - thats not the issue here

You're just gonna have to learn to say no.

Or you could get another, less stressful and less hours job.

'pretend' to go back to work

and it's shift work so your not available most of the time

or strap on a pair and learn to say NO brazenly - you've got to 50 so its time to learn

Learn a few useful phrases:

No.

Sorry, I'm busy then.

I'd love to help you in the house Mum, it's why I retired. How does every Monday suit you? No? Well I'm busy the rest of the week.

I've found a part time job to help me financially. I'll let you know when I can help you. (tell them you're working from home if you think they'll catch you out).

Get 1571 and caller display and if it's someone who's a PITA don't take the call - let it go to the answering service.

And then claim you were out/busy and couldn't get to the phone for 6 hours.

If they are ringing your mobile, could you say it was stolen and give them a new number, which you ignore. "Sorry! This bloody new phone, it's useless. I can never hear it!"

Oh and forgot to say then my DH comes home from work and he really cant believe that I havent had time to do dinner etc or sort something out that hes asked me to or whatever. He'll say - youre at home all bloody day - well no actually DH Im not - (for example last week) Ive been at your mothers all day cos she's having a boundary dispute with a stupid neighbour and she wanted me there 'to back her up' - she said "you might as well sit round here all day drinking tea as sit at home doing it" GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Just because you are not working it doesn't mean you are available. You will just have to learn to say no, politely, but firmly. Tell people you are already committed elsewhere. Don't over explain - you don't have to justify how you spend your time to anyone.

Get caller ID, if you don't already have it and filter calls. When I am evading my MIl, I turn the ringer off the phone.

Go out and just generally be unavailable/unreliable.

Good luck

Pretend job sounds like a good option.

The problem to me seems that you have no predictable time to call your own, you're always waiting for the next call.

What I would do in your shoes I think is look in my calendar, and decide on two whole days a week when you are your own person, nobody else's to call on at short notice. Set your days according to what you want to do- ie if you have a course you want to take, take those days.

Tell EVERYBODY including Victor Meldrew that you are absolutely not available on those days.

Refuse to budge on them no matter what. (barring obviously emergency hospital treatment). People will either have to wait for you to be available or they'll have to find someone else.

Do this because you are worth it and you have earned that free time.

Yes, learn to say No and DO NOT feel guilty for doing so. Of course you want to be supportive etc. but you owe it to yourself not to be a doormat. Maybe you should just make yourself busy - so you can say you're unable to help out because you're at the gym/flower arranging class/choir/ramblers/knitting club etc. Even if you're not actually doing those things - because I think maybe your family need to see that you do have your own life to lead.

My Grandma always said that women never really retire.

Really ROFL - at myself - PLUMM

So obvious really - NO.

But when you dont work they really do PERESUME that you should do it and they really do get huffy - if you say no. Maybe I should be more assertive and let them get on with sulking.
I honestly dont mind/enjoy helping people/family - I really do but I am getting more and more pinned down to a routine and its just the attitude I think that the more I do the more its expected. I also hate the resentment - my s-i-l referred to me as 'her ladyship' the other day apparently - as in 'cant her ladyship do it'.

The answer to that is 'no, she fucking can't'

Learn to say "no" is good advice, but having been there myself briefly a few years ago, I know that I used to bust a gut to try (pointlessly) to avoid the family saying "I don't know what she DOES all day" and "I wish WE had the luxury of not working" etc etc.

Try taking up a volunteering post. Age Concern are often looking for "befrienders." ChildLine and the Samaritans need telephone counsellors. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but these posts can often be a matter of hours a week. Your family, however, need not know this.

"I'm sorry, I can't help today, I've got to see to Mrs Higgins and she's 97" is a nice get-out, and no-one needs to know that Mrs Higgins is a fiercely independent woman who only needs you to open her jam jar for her!

What about getting things scheduled? That way, you will be able to offer the help you want to (and you clearly feel mean refusing, so it is not going to work for you to "just say no" in a rude way, or act out of character) but you will resent it massively less. What comes clearly out of your post is the "at short notice" business, and the idea that people think you are at their beck and call.

Being retired or a SAHM is all about having a schedule. It is a flexible schedule, to be sure, but if you didn't have a schedule, you would be unable to get anything done, and then no-one would be happy.

That's another thing: start showing up the "schedule conflicts" - your family will have to realise you aren't at their disposal when you are doing things for everyone, and sooner or later, the conflict will move to a conflict between them, and they can leave you alone!

Incidentally, I did have a thought, that this could be the hellish future of "volunteers" in a really "Big" Big Society, in which nothing is done by professionals....

thats really good advise all of you - thank you so much - glad nobody flamed me - thats why Ive hesitated to post this - theres time tho - this is AIBU after all [fear] but you've given me some really good advise which I am going to put into practise - already turned off my phone to do this thread btw !

My DH - I know I said he has a go sometimes but by and large he is really supportive - when I was having trouble at work and coming home in a state - he actually encouraged me to give up work and said we'll manage - I'll support you financially (which he hasnt had to so far) - I would rather you were happy.
I think people - even him included really really just dont think that you can still be busy and not working. Bit like stay at home mums really - they sometimes get a bad press - live life of Riley etc etc according to some people and you cant persuade them otherwise.

If you are feeling a bit mischievous, why not encourage the Life of Riley grumblers one day, by refusing to do something/go somewhere on the grounds that you had been drinking, and it would be irresponsible to drive/ change a lightbulb in such a condition!

The gossip would go round the family like a fire, and you would then be able to laugh at them for being so afraid their free servant was going to start being unavailable!

DeadPoncy

Nah, the OP should say "I'm sorry, I can't do anything today, I need to file one of my nails AND eat these bonbons before the cleaner comes round"

Deadponcy - love the idea of making it the other nuisances family members problem and not mine i.e. No DD I cant pick up DGS in an hour cos am taking your Grandad to the chiropodist - tell you what if you give him a ring ask him if he can change it at short notice then I could oblige - That is so clever and see I'm picking up the hang of it already.

Am impressed with that idea - very good [semi-evil] emoticom.

Also Willyou the volunteering also great idea - youre right its the short notice thats main issue. Got to go now sorry - will look in on this later - and Im going to pick up DGS - she asked me this morning - but I will make some changes before certain days become cast in stone - cos that worries me aswell or I might aswell go back to work and if its a regular arrangement you can NEVER do anything or go anywhere that clashes with it IYSWIM.

Anyway thanks all and TTFN

YANBU - I am not working due to ill health as I have arthritis in my neck and spine, and am being investigated for a neurological condition.

I still get treated as the resident taxi driver, personal shopper, home help, childcare. They often seem to forget the reason why I am not still working! Prime example of this happened last week - I couldn't lift my right arm up because something had trapped in my neck/shoulder, and nobody asked how I was. I had several requests for lifts/favours though (so they all had credit on their mobiles and were able to use their landlines!), and I was sulked at when I had to say no.

My advice would be as the other posters have said, and make yourself unavailable before you start to resent it more.

Ok - you saw it coming - stop moaning - at least you have a choice - me and my DH will be paying a mortgage until we are 70. You can say 'no' to people you know.

Before you get swamped by this situation, you really need to grow a spine and learn how to say No.

For your parents, I would suggest that you and your siblings sit down together and decide between you exactly what needs to be done on a scheduled basis. This can include gardening, cooking, cleaning, any regular appointments etc. Once you all have the full list, decide which of these you each want to take on as a commitment or which you collectively (or parents) are happy to delegate to paid help. Make sure your parents have claimed every penny of any benefits they are due - some of the disability benefits are specifically designed to allow the payee to choose what help they want to buy in.

Decide in advance how much time a week you are willing to commit to your parents - say three half days and which half days these can be. Then make it clear that you will be there and available on those days but except for real emergencies you won't the rest of the week, as you have commitments. Make sure your siblings pick up their share too.

I would also consider getting a monthly or weekly internet shop delivered to them to save time and hassle.

This is not about being evil, this is about being fair to all family members. I've seen too many carers end up in bits with shredded marriages because they didn't learn the art of saying NO and meaning it. Your family need to learn from YOU and nobody else that you have boundaries, that your time is important and that although you love them very much, you do not express that love by being a doormat and at their beck and call all day.

Please step back take a deep breath and re-evaluate your situation. And make sure you build in some pleasure for you, whether it is to learn to paint, go rambling, drink whisky, re-organise your veg plot - do it and enjoy it and don't feel guilty.

Remember - No is a complete sentence.

Nice to hear you laughing about it!

YANBU Say no, they may sulk but at least that way they're not mithering you.

Mitford we all have choices - whether it be taking on a mortgage or giving up work. So going by that theory none of us should moan or ask advice about anything which would mean mumsnet would lose half its purpose really.

Scuttlr - internet shopping -I think the delivery drivers are quite elderly friendly - so I could order it and 'train' dad to just bring it in and put it away really. Just worry I'll turn up 3 days later and delivery driver will be locked under stairs till he agree to unblock the sink or whatever knowing my dad

DEADPONCY and WILLYOU - the 'mischevious' excuses

just jot them down in my little book of excuses Im preparing now

1. too pissed

1. broke fingernail

1. have bonbons to eat

1. (my favourite) waiting in for cleaning lady

to be cont... {need about 20} based on no. of meitherers x no. of problems per week on average)

Lord above! What did all these people do before you retired - surely they managed then?

Sorry, no easy solutions, but just do say no, a lot, and be prepared for the sulking. It might help if you actually plan some of those 'home/garden revamp' projects and start doing them, so you can say, "sorry, can't come, the builders are coming/I've got to pick up plants/I'm out buying tiles," etc.

Also, try writing down a list of all the trips/errands/favours you do in one week and present a copy to each person concerned so they can see how much you do and that you need to say no sometimes - a big part of the problem is that each person is thinking 'I'm only asking a little favour' and none of them realise that you're being asked little favours all day long!

And if your SIL calls you 'her Ladyship' again, bop her in the chops

Thanks Diamond - I wasnt present when she said it but I would say was a thinly veiled reference to the fact I dont work.

Yes your right DH tells me to keep a diary - but am hopeless at stuff like that - need to make myself do it every day - five mins to fill it in - then next time anyone has a pop I can say well no actually I did a 7 mile round trip for you on such a day - went shopping for OUR mum and dad 9 times last month - picked up DGS or step DGD 16 times in total with short notice etc etc - so no I am not being selfish lazy or whatever else you think of me for saying no today.

Your also right about the collectiveness of it - i.e. sometimes the one who has asked me the least in any given week can unfortunately on a bad day still be the last straw when they do phone me. Example - last week I had really one horrendous day - nearly crashed the car - head in 20 places - realised I'd double booked my solics appt and then my dad phoned to please bring them a takeaway when I took their shopping and then my m-i-l who had been really good that week - not asked me for a thing happened to overhear me say I was getting a burger for my parents ( they love macdonalds once a week treat )asked me to get her one aswell !

So I thought no I am not setting yet another precedent - so I said - quite rightly - well no it would be cold when I got back to you - so she says thats ok I'll wack it in microwave - me: macdonalds dont warm up too well tbh - m-i-l - oh it'll be alright.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR