Dont work so whole family thinks Im the Gofor

[Suda]

I have taken early retirement - several reasons - left last job because of stress/office politics etc - the whole thing just making me ill/v.unhappy - plus I can afford to retire reasonably comfortably - since reaching 50 been able to draw works pension from a previous employer and was prepared to sacrifice luxuries anyway - also have very elderly parents who are getting more needy with every passing year obviously.

So made the decision - its time thats more precious to me than money plus never been a career girl - always worked to live not vice versa.

I just might add in case any flame throwers are getting primed that I have worked hard all my life - even two full time jobs for a short period and often had a full time and a part time job together. Also my DH is fine with it and he is not working to keep me - I am self sufficient.

Right heres the problem - I thought this would be wonderful - no stress - potter around - stress free - see more of DH and my family and friends etc etc. I was going to re- vamp my house/garden - get everything done that I never had time for etc. But in fact I feel like going back to work for a bloody rest !! I have now become - hears my new 'job description'.

My m-i-laws - telephone shopping and or taxi service - lives round corner.

My DDs after school club - expected to be available at one hours notice some days.

My dad - very elderly - think Victor Meldrew - locks onto some perceived disaster ( my kitchen light flickered - you'll have to come - lives 6 miles away! )and if you dont go round you will be on the phone about it ten times that day as punishment.

My mum and dads housekeeper - I do the lot - even though I have a sister and brother who live much closer. I know this is one of reasons I gave up work but I just get no help at all from siblings and I am run ragged

My step DGDs after school club - again at short notice - and never on the same day as my DGSs it seems !

Most days and not forgetting I have my own household to run clean and cook for etc I just feel I am permanently on the phone or driving someone around or doing errands or housework for somebody in the family.

I am exhausted and trust me those of you about to say how lucky I am not to have to work and how you would love to be a stay at home wife - just one tip - if ever you do get to that stage - and this is very important - DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TELL A SOUL - or you wont get a minutes peace. What pisses me off most is if you say no once in a blue moon - Ive tried this btw - they really see their arse - 'Well youre not working - whats the problem'

AAAAAAAAGGGHHHHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

I love all my family and m-i-l to bits btw - thats not the issue here

what is it with people?

i work full time- but work 4 long days plus one evening so i have one day to spend with youngest child.

"we know that you do not work today, so could you take pil to the hospital"

so that is a full day at a hospital with an elderly deaf fil and a two year old. in addition to the 35 hours a week I work between monday and friday?

do as i do and say no.

i actually had to say to people- i have a day free to spend precious time with dd, i am sorry i cant do....

you need to do the same.

My mum retired a couple of years ago.

We all knew the danger...

Her H.

So she has got stacks of stuff she does for her, keep fit, yoag, pilates, lunch clubs. she even looked into volunteering.

Protect your own time. One day at a time, find something to do that you enjoy, and go and do it.

When your relatives flounce, shout or whatever, they are really testing your boundaries (think toddler temper tantrum) to see if you really mean what you say and to try and manipulate you to give in. IMO it is extremely important to keep holding your boundaries ( the thing you've said no to) at this point. Just like you wouldn't give in and buy sweets for a toddler who threw a wobbly, you need to take the same approach here. Their reactions are their responsibility not yours. With your Dad, what about not getting into any arguments/discussions but just going round as normal the next time you had actually planned to, being positive, bright and breezy and refusing to discuss it. ( I said what I would do Dad so there's no point discussing it again)
Then just give same support/help as usual (which seems a lot btw).
It may though be a sensible idea to have a special "day centre" pair of slippers in designated bag in hall that the bus driver knows to pick up. Label it "Day Centre slippers" in very large letters. Then make sure they get changed for washed ones when you are there.

Hold your boundaries firmly but as much as you can without shouting, losing your cool or accusing others and my guess is that once they realise that you won't budge, their flounciness and shouting and nasty comments will dry up. Act bright and breezy and calm even if you aren't feeling like it!

Suda - your family's behaviour would try the patience of a saint. It is not you, it is them. They are resisting a change that they don't like because it won't suit them so well.

Keep up with the assertiveness; your family will adjust to the new you. Like others have said, there will be some boundary testing but stick to your guns.

I bet your dad will not forget your mum's slippers again btw.

Stay strong Suda. It's definitely not you. With all the stuff you are doing for your parents, no one else should have the cheek to ask you to do all their stuff as well.

Been following this thread today.

You sound like a lovely woman who perhaps (genuinely) would benefit from assertiveness training!

It's not that you're inflammatory in the way you handle conflict. You're probably too conciliatory, and your family are not used to you making a stand.

Your Dad calling you that often to shout at you is totally unreasonable, as is your daughter's flounce. Bear that in mind and don't allow the guilt to creep in.

Thank you everybody - have now adopted the recline position and am getting an oiled adonis in a grass- skirt-- my husband to make me a cup of tea.

Took my dog a nice long walk and roll in leaves and I thought why cant people be more like dogs - he was just so happy - then he leapt on all fours into a sandpit full of kids because one of them had a tennis ball and he thought it was his - so he put his paw up to this child - as if to say - 'Hi my names Trix - can I have my ball back please'. Was very funny but you kinda had to be there !! Good for stress levels definitely.

Cant remember who said what but whoever said just act normal and dont discuss it - I think I will do that - good idea. Also whoever said about the assertiveness training - have wanted to do that for ages - have tried a few online things but not as good - just would find it embarrassing to walk into an assertiveness class. But I suppose if I didnt I wouldnt need to be there IYSWIM

lol @ being embarrassed to walk into an assertiveness class.

There you have your answer, I think. [hsmile]

grass even - like those in bacardi advert I think it was ?

Oh and whoever said Dad wont forget slippers again - I wouldnt - bet on it that is

Oh and went on that link Princess Royal Carers thing and they put me through to someone local who has arranged to come see me at home for a chat really to see if they can give me any advice or support or just to talk to really - or other carers maybe.

Someone suggested getting a daily help to do cleaning I do on mums day in day care centre. But I really dont mind doing that and I would rather do it myself and I do get satisfaction from my weekly blitz especially and it is one of the reasons I gave up work after all. Really the problem is the obstructiveness of my Dad which is very frustrating and sends my stress levels soaring. Also the others - who dont actually need me to help them at all - they could actually survive completely without my help - whereas mum in particular and Dad couldnt. So thats really the one thing I dont want to offload but I appreciate what you mean - tiredness is a factor definitely sometimes I'm sure - but its the aggravation that does me in not the actual physical amount I do.

These reactions are pretty shocking. Cheeky so-and-sos. They are really not pleased at this stand, are they? Whereas they should be thanking you for what you have done so far, and making you want to do it again. Even if that is manipulation, it's still a lot more pleasant and would show more gratitude for what you have done for them all this time!

Enjoy yourself in your "new retirement", and do come back to let us know how it's going.

(28) Assertiveness course. (Or you could say it is karate!)

If you say that the carer is allowed to go into your mum's wardrobe to get her clean clothes out, could you not leave a clean pair of slippers in there for her to find when she gets the clothes?

If you've told her that they are going to be there and are treated as part of 'clothes' which she has control over as opposed to 'slippers' that your dad seems to want control over (even if it means sending your mum off in stinky slippers) then it would hopefully solve the issue.

And if you could get her to throw the stinky slippers in the wash basket with other stinky clothes they wouldn't be there to cause problems.

Are all the slippers identical or are they different colours and therefore easy to distinguish between?

hate to mention it but you say your father is fine physically - but do you think his strange behaviour regarding being adamant that your mum doesn't get to wear clean slippers is part of a slippery slope of beginning to get the first signs of some sort of dementia? Or is it just general 'grumpy old man I'm going to say black is white because I can and I'm always right' syndrome? Hopefully it is the latter but might be worth keeping an eye on him and checking he is ok...

oh and forgot to say, YADNBU!

You're a good daughter Suda.

Hi ZIP - Dad seems to have a thing about the slippers in particular though I did struggle with the clothes aswell at first - its like I have to wear him down on one thing then he gets a bee in his bonnett about the next. I think sometimes its that he has become a bit selfish - it doesnt benefit him directly so he cant be bothered. Sometimes I think as you say its a case of keeping some control - so when I 'win' on one point he moves to another? or some sort of deep rooted 2nd world war frugal mentality - things will do IYSWIM - that can be worn again etc. - save on the washing and so on.

I cant leave the slippers with the clean clothes as he will hide them - its like he becomes a control freak about his current fixation - so I leave them out so he cant hide them IYSWIM - god this is effing hard work - the more I write about it - the more I realise.

But what really bugs me is that he always manages to go out to local shop and get his cigarettes and makes his breakfast every morning - full breakfast (mum only eats cereal in morning) - then he'll feed dog take him short walk etc etc - so he is more than capable of these little routines - but will he put a pair of clean fg slippers on mum or even leave them out/give them to carer - that are on a clothes airer a few feet away - oh no will he buggery.

It was the hot water a while ago - it was coming out like steam - so every time I went I turned it down to 2 from bloody 6 or something - water was still piping hot - and EVERY SINGLE TIME I went back he had turned it up again. In the end I said Dad - gonna have to cut your spending money - his gas bills were about £300 - I draw him out some cashback every week for bits and pieces at corner shop etc - and he loves having bit of money in his pocket - so I said but I'll have to cut it to pay this huge Gas bill - so he did stop turning it back up ! But even then he would turn it up to say 2 and 1/2 as if he just had to have last word.

You might be right about getting him assessed although he loves living at home and says would not go in a home ever - hates the idea - so part of me worries he might end up being put in one I suppose - when he is perfectly capable of looking after himself.

Hi Skeleton - whats - SPD/PGP - long time since I had mine - not au fait with all the jargon I'm afraid. Hear you though - DH reckons I am going have a breakdown or something then they would all have to do without me.

(29) Comprehensive Laundry Review.

(Sorry, weak topical joke. I haven't got to grips with the news today)

Thank you MAKHATAI. But I worry about ending up being the only one who is on bad terms with my Dad when he passes away - as at his age he is at the end of his life even if that sounds a tad morbid you have to think about these things - then I would be on a guilt trip rest of my life when I am by far the one who has done most for him. My sister on the other hand - lives nearer -takes them Xmas dinner most years and calls on Mothers day and thats it - well her last words to Dad will probably be 'BYE DAD - LOOK AFTER YOURSELF' after a pleasant visit.

Mine will probably be - 'IF YOU MOVE THOSE F*G SLIPPERS AGAIN DAD I WILL PASTE YOU ROUND THE F*G HOUSE WITH THEM !!

Just thought of an evil epitaph;

Here lies Sudasdad,
He moved the slippers once too often .

At least sense of humours made a comeback - thanks mates !

Suda, have you ever had the experience of your PC playing up? You press return - nothing. Click the mouse a bit - nothing. Windows key. Space bar. Escape. Nothing. Ctrl/alt/delete. Nothing. Finally in anger, you start hammering at random keys, or repeating the same key over and over very hard, or swiping your whole forearm across the whole keyboard...

This is what is happening now. Your family have tried pushing a few of your usual buttons and not got the response they expected. They are now at the "hammering same key repeatedly" stage, and may progress to the full keyboard swipe, trying to find a way in to get a response. It's not you that is bringing this out in people. This is just what people do when things don't go their way. It cannot be your responsibility to ensure that everyone in your life always has things their way.

What you need to do is completely unplug the keyboard for a bit. Watch them try and push your buttons and see that for exactly what it is. Then take some time to identify your biggest buttons - guilt trips? Tearfulness? Gossip? When you plug the keyboard back in, it will be interesting to watch people leaning on those keys as you see it for the manipulation it really is.

Excuse number 31 - My buttons don't work any more!