Dont work so whole family thinks Im the Gofor

[Suda]

I have taken early retirement - several reasons - left last job because of stress/office politics etc - the whole thing just making me ill/v.unhappy - plus I can afford to retire reasonably comfortably - since reaching 50 been able to draw works pension from a previous employer and was prepared to sacrifice luxuries anyway - also have very elderly parents who are getting more needy with every passing year obviously.

So made the decision - its time thats more precious to me than money plus never been a career girl - always worked to live not vice versa.

I just might add in case any flame throwers are getting primed that I have worked hard all my life - even two full time jobs for a short period and often had a full time and a part time job together. Also my DH is fine with it and he is not working to keep me - I am self sufficient.

Right heres the problem - I thought this would be wonderful - no stress - potter around - stress free - see more of DH and my family and friends etc etc. I was going to re- vamp my house/garden - get everything done that I never had time for etc. But in fact I feel like going back to work for a bloody rest !! I have now become - hears my new 'job description'.

My m-i-laws - telephone shopping and or taxi service - lives round corner.

My DDs after school club - expected to be available at one hours notice some days.

My dad - very elderly - think Victor Meldrew - locks onto some perceived disaster ( my kitchen light flickered - you'll have to come - lives 6 miles away! )and if you dont go round you will be on the phone about it ten times that day as punishment.

My mum and dads housekeeper - I do the lot - even though I have a sister and brother who live much closer. I know this is one of reasons I gave up work but I just get no help at all from siblings and I am run ragged

My step DGDs after school club - again at short notice - and never on the same day as my DGSs it seems !

Most days and not forgetting I have my own household to run clean and cook for etc I just feel I am permanently on the phone or driving someone around or doing errands or housework for somebody in the family.

I am exhausted and trust me those of you about to say how lucky I am not to have to work and how you would love to be a stay at home wife - just one tip - if ever you do get to that stage - and this is very important - DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TELL A SOUL - or you wont get a minutes peace. What pisses me off most is if you say no once in a blue moon - Ive tried this btw - they really see their arse - 'Well youre not working - whats the problem'

AAAAAAAAGGGHHHHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

I love all my family and m-i-l to bits btw - thats not the issue here

I really don't think you need to account to anybody for how you spend your time.

You will sound defensive and just encourage people to ask you more and more cheeky questions about what you do in your spare time and ask well when can you help them.

Practice saying, "I'd like to help but I'm busy with other things and it isn't convenient right now."

Don't apologise. Don't explain.

People may bitch and grumble to start with but once they get the message they will actually stop asking you so often and will then begin to really appreciate it when you can help out.

Sorry DH came in then - meant to say double booked with picking up DGS from school.

Excuses, continued

1. Headache

1. (Slightly more serious - sorry) On hold with call centres. I spent hours doing household/financial admin today, which includes so much callcentre holding that I have had time to Mumsnet almost continually all day! Which brings me to:

1. Mumsnet. People are depending on you for your opinion!

1. Very interesting slugfest in your garden going on; you want to watch!

1. You want to understand the economic system. It's going to take quite a bit of study.

More?

"No is a complete sentence."

That's brilliant!

10. I have a spa day booked today

11. I have a potential buyer for the car coming round (that'll get the cogs turning furiously)

12. Sorry, I will be shagging

13. I am being interviewed by the local paper for the "Angel of the Year" award. If I win I get a year's membership to the golf club, ooh, i could spend HOURS up there. Actually, can I give them your number for a testimonial?

14. No thank you, I don't want to (I have actually used this one with someone who was really taking the piss by bringing their kid round for me to do their homework with them every night. It's incredibly hard for people to argue with because they can't make you want to do something).

lostinafrica I thought that was brill to - I think like olderandwiser said - the more you explain the more they see a chink in your armour - its like a good salesperson will always overcome your objections - but if you havent got any and just say no - gives them nowhere to go.

Loving the excuses btw WILLYOU - love 12 and 13 - 8 and 9 DEADPONCY

15. Enrolled at Assertiveness Classes so I can say no to people without causing offence ( that might get a chain of thought going ay ? )

Just to finish off one before when DH came in - I didnt get M-i-L a takeaway btw - thought not even going there !! That would have meant coming home then going round to hers -again! - that day etc and then every time I got my Mum and Dad a takeaway would be doing same - bloody pizza delivery boy -on top of all other job titles.

So when I was leaving she just said - I suppose I'll have to cook something then - hint hint - and I just said - ok I'll leave you to it then - Bye.

Well done Suda

It can be so difficult to say no at first Suda but then it becomes very powerful and tastes good once you get the hang of it. And don't feel sorry or guilty because those who take advantage of you don't feel sorry or guilty.

Some more reasons;

You are taking up a computer course (Mumsnetting)

You have decided to do voluntary work (volunteering to eat those bonbons)

You are pet-walking so will be busy.

You are starting a hobby and have become obsessed by it.

Thhnk you Karma and Suga - and SUGA love the voluntary bon bon taster excuse - and seriously I have got a dear little dog{rescue} who sometimes doesnt get a proper walk - he is my little helper on all my errands though and we jump out of car sometimes to let him have a little runabout if we pass a park etc. But he doesnt always get a proper long walk everyday - on a bad day he might just get two little ten minute impromptu's. I should really set atime of day to take him out for half an hour or an hour and not answer my phone - be unavailable for that period.

Excuse 20.) Joined a Gym ( to burn off Bon-Bons. )

Invest in a 'home gym'.

Unplug phone
Sit on sofa/ settee/ chez longue
Extend hand into bonbon packet
Eat bonbon
Repeat until exhausted. The extend hand bit burns off a calorie.

excuse 21) Become Mysterious.

SUGALAKE - You kill me

22.)Cant come - died laughing.

I did like "died laughing"!

23. I want to spy on my neighbours. I know they're up to somehting, and must watch them very carefully...

How are you today, Suda and have you managed to put your foot down?

Gone a bit pear I'm afraid - my daughter flounced into the house yesterday when I explained to her that I find the school run very very stressful and I am not willing to do it on a regular basis. I had a horrendous time picking up DGS - couldnt park - had to park miles away - late for said DGS - someone shouting at me for 'badly' parking - in line with all others on the pavement I might add - then a quite large young schoolboy ran straight into me - really hurt my arm - and I thought you know what - I'm just not doing this anymore - it was never this stressful when I did it years ago but then I walked to school - I cant walk to get my grandson its too far - about 4 miles away ( so its a lot of petrol aswell ). So I thought I'l tell her very gently and politely that I dont mind now and again - if I'm available but not regularly. I said to her the petrol was a factor but mainly the parking - horrendous - been shouted at by community police lady one week - for daring to stop - couldnt park ANYWHERE and I stopped for two seconds in front of lollipop lady who was stopping traffic anyway - so DGS could jump in and she was having a right old go at me. It bugs me more because I dont believe in school car runs when kids are local and if it can be avoided - and there am I been ranted at for being an 'unsociable' school run mum IYSWIM. I actually said to my daughter - who doesnt drive so has limited conception of just how stressful driving/parking can be around a school at these times - if she lived nearer and I could walk to get him it would not be a problem - I would enjoy doing it - then she could walk to mine after work and get him. Sorry am ranting now just so upset - why cant I say no without people falling out with me. ?

None of this is your fault Suda. People will flounce and get stroppy because it suits them to have you do all their running around. Their lives are being made easier, but yours is being made harder and that simply isn't fair.

I'm all for helping out family, but all these errands are not your responsibility. people are taking you for granted and are actually saying, by their actions, that their time is more important than yours. It isn't.

Rome wasn't built in a day. I'm sure that you will get where you want to be in the end and they will all appreciate you a lot more as a result of you not being so readily available.

"people are taking you for granted and are actually saying, by their actions, that their time is more important than yours. It isn't."

well said!

I have been reading this thread and sitting here with my mouth open at the cheek of some (most) of the requests made of you

In addition to the fabulous suggestions about waiting in for the cleaner/bon-bon eating etc, I would send you off on a fictional holiday for a couple of weeks (during term-time, natch) and see how they all manage.
On your 'return', you can introduce some ConDem style cuts to their free welfare system

Suda - I really feel for you and fully understand how exhausting and stressful it is to be unable to find a parking space - then you were yelled at...

My grandad used to say that you had to prune the deadwood in order for a plant to grow and I feel that your altruism is stunting your own personal growth.

Could your daughter employ a childminder or ask another mother to help her drop off and pick up the child? What does she do if you are feeling unwell or are unable to do the school run?

I am worried that you reach burnout.

Perhaps you could speak to someone at the Princess Royal Trust for Carers re help with your parents.

Sugarlake is spot on - you are killing yourself with your kindness to others.

My mum lives about a mile from me and I have never asked her to do the school/nursery run once in 4 years. The kids getting to school and back is me and DH's responsibility. Once in a while I'll ask another school Mum if I'm ill or delayed or something.

I don't say that to show off, but to let you know that you've somehow bought into the idea that you need to help with things like this. You don't.

What Sugarlake said about altruism stunting growth is true for your daughter, too. A bit of strife and effort is character-building!

Suda, repeat after me "No is a complete sentence." Sing this to yourself as you buy yourself an extra large packet of bourbons (love this idea by the way) and take your gorgeous little doggy for lots of nice autumn walks with him sniffing the fallen leaves and you thinking happy, carefree thoughts involving your family members and a large bottle of arsenic.

Oh I might not be a carer for my parents for much longer either - fasten your seat belts - heres what happened when I took a long overdue stand at my parents this morning.

First off - parents very elderly and I fully make allowances for that but I know them better than anyone on the planet and know what theyre capable of and struggle with. So I have gone to great lengths to get mum to a day centre once a week - she is very infirm - dad very sprightly - in order that 1) Mum gets a change from 4 walls - and socialises etc etc - really enjoys it. 2) Dad gets a day out usually with me - just a coffee and bit of shopping sometimes or walk our dogs - but its an outing - which he cant do really when mums at home he can only go round block with dog or to corner shop in case mum falls etc. 3) Mum is urine incontinent and despite best efforts - get her pads/pants etc and she has a lady round to help her get in shower 3 x week - as she will only let a stranger - but still has accidents or leaks occasionally - so on her day at day centre I clean the house from top to bottom - vacuum everywhere do all washing - change bed etc - wash down mums chair and change and wash her cushions etc - blitz the smell of wee out of house basically - while dad has his breakfast then we go out. Obviously this is much easier to do with mum not in situ. So its a good thing all round that mum goes to the daycentre once a week.

But for a long time now I have felt increasingly like I am fighting a losing battle because my Dad will not co-operate on one small thing. My mums slippers because of incont. problems get a bit wiffy with urine after a week - so I bought her two more pairs - all washable - so that when shes had her shower on Wednesday morning she can put a clean pair on to go to day centre and I put ones shes been wearing in with washing. Theres been complaints from day centre that her slippers smelt really badly in the summer months and Dad was swearing blind her slippers were clean when she left etc and she must have wet herself on the way. So not wanting mum to get red card from day centre I bought her a couple more pairs and started this 'rotation' system of washing them.

Now usually I get to mum and dads before mum goes in minibus to D/C and can make sure she has newly washed slippers on. Several times have got there and bus outside and Ive dashed in house - seen the two clean pairs of slippers where I left them - which means she's got wiffy 'all week' ones on - grrrrr - and have dashed out and changed them in mini-bus. When I tackle dad about it he either a) flatly denies and says she did have clean ones on - or - b) blames the 'nurse' who showers her saying she must have put wrong ones on and put dirty ones back on her.

I said to him weeks ago - sick to death of above scenario - 'Right Dad - Ive checked with 'nurse' and she says she can only put on what you give her - cant go rooting - and when she's asked you for clean slippers - you have said - they are clean - they dont need washing yet - so she's had to against her better judgement put the wiffy slippers back on mum. So I said right Dad - she must be given clean ones on her day centre morning - or when I come next week and if I miss mum leaving and I cant wash her week old slippers cos theyre on her feet - then instead of taking you out I will get back in ccar and take her clean slippers to day centre - then drive home - cos am sick to death of it - this is only thing I ask you to do and you wont play ball. BTW Mum always has clean clothes on cos the 'nurse' {carer really} just gets them out the wardrobe and I've told her to help herself - no matter what dad says - but the slippers he either hides or swaps them back for dirty ones.

So this morning there they were - two pairs of clean slippers on the airer where I left them last week and I had just missed mum - so I knew she'd gone in wiffy slippers to day centre. Asked Dad - he said one pair were in wash - one was upstairs and one was on her feet - so I told him - no dad - two pairs are upstairs - one pairs on her feet(obviously the ones worn all week). So he kept lying and lying and arguing and blaming the 'nurse' and the neighbour knocked and distracted him and blah bloody blah - so I thought right - I'm gonna carry out my threat now - so I got a pair of the clean slippers and told dad - no day out etc today - too busy following mum with her clean slippers. So off I went - wasnt nasty

• just assertive.

Dads phoned me about 20 times (not exaggerating) - not answered last 16 or so as he was shouting at me down the phone basically and am not having it. So I have fell out with my Dad aswell now - and cant make up with him as I dont want to answer phone ??

Sorry that was a hell of a rant wasnt it - just at end of my tether now - but just feel like it must be me - my daughter and my dad are just being so bloody unbelievably awkward - can it really be them or do I bring that out in people - maybe im inflammatory in the way I stand up to people or something - maybe just losing my marbles - DH says will end up having heart attack if he keeps having to scrape me off ceiling when he comes in. !!

Excuse 26) Cant come -been hauled off with men in white coats.

Are they able to get a home help or would you be able to get a cleaner in to blitz the place while your Mum goes to the day centre?

Perhaps your Dad is inure to the urine smell or is in a bit of denial that the 'sans teeth' ageing process is finally happening.

You sound exhausted to me and are doing the work of several people. The answer might be to replace yourself with several people then take a breather.

Could you leave the fresh slippers at the front door in a bag so the minibus driver would take them to the day centre?

It is hard to ignore the phone especially when you know who it is and that they are angry but he will have to stop doing this and understand that you are going to take a back seat for a while to look after your own health. Sometimes people do not comprehend how selfish they are being when it takes too much out of the carer and yes you are a carer.

Excuse 27) Kidnapped by Mumsnetters proffering bonbons.