Dont work so whole family thinks Im the Gofor

[Suda]

I have taken early retirement - several reasons - left last job because of stress/office politics etc - the whole thing just making me ill/v.unhappy - plus I can afford to retire reasonably comfortably - since reaching 50 been able to draw works pension from a previous employer and was prepared to sacrifice luxuries anyway - also have very elderly parents who are getting more needy with every passing year obviously.

So made the decision - its time thats more precious to me than money plus never been a career girl - always worked to live not vice versa.

I just might add in case any flame throwers are getting primed that I have worked hard all my life - even two full time jobs for a short period and often had a full time and a part time job together. Also my DH is fine with it and he is not working to keep me - I am self sufficient.

Right heres the problem - I thought this would be wonderful - no stress - potter around - stress free - see more of DH and my family and friends etc etc. I was going to re- vamp my house/garden - get everything done that I never had time for etc. But in fact I feel like going back to work for a bloody rest !! I have now become - hears my new 'job description'.

My m-i-laws - telephone shopping and or taxi service - lives round corner.

My DDs after school club - expected to be available at one hours notice some days.

My dad - very elderly - think Victor Meldrew - locks onto some perceived disaster ( my kitchen light flickered - you'll have to come - lives 6 miles away! )and if you dont go round you will be on the phone about it ten times that day as punishment.

My mum and dads housekeeper - I do the lot - even though I have a sister and brother who live much closer. I know this is one of reasons I gave up work but I just get no help at all from siblings and I am run ragged

My step DGDs after school club - again at short notice - and never on the same day as my DGSs it seems !

Most days and not forgetting I have my own household to run clean and cook for etc I just feel I am permanently on the phone or driving someone around or doing errands or housework for somebody in the family.

I am exhausted and trust me those of you about to say how lucky I am not to have to work and how you would love to be a stay at home wife - just one tip - if ever you do get to that stage - and this is very important - DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TELL A SOUL - or you wont get a minutes peace. What pisses me off most is if you say no once in a blue moon - Ive tried this btw - they really see their arse - 'Well youre not working - whats the problem'

AAAAAAAAGGGHHHHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

I love all my family and m-i-l to bits btw - thats not the issue here

Excellent WILLYOU - thats avery good analogy.

My DD is very like my Dad in this manner - the more I think and write about it.

Funny but always blamed it on her Dad - who was a bully - to cut a long story very short - who definitely liked his own way !

Now am wondering if its family trait on my side of family.

Its very hard to reason with her - she gets super-defensive - goes straight down the road of - oh dont bother then - that sort of thing - or why did you offer then - she actually said on this last bust up before stomping off - 'dont do it then moan about it - you only had to say if you were bust '- which is very very telling isnt it really - the fact she says it ok to say no if I've got something on but not just to say No cos I dont want to (?) I really should have said well actually Sudasdaughter I didnt offer to - I agreed to. ( very different IMO )
My trouble is I think of these things later - but in the actual argument - and my Dad does this - the other person starts talking over me so I start raising my voice to be heard/finish my sentence over them - then next thing and Dad and DD both do this to me - they get the final word by telling me to stop shouting or screeching (which is my DDs favourite phrase which winds me up for fun - she says this whenever I raise my voice even slightly) - so then I cant pursue the argument or make any more points as they latch firmly onto the fact I'm shouting etc and original argument is forgotten then - I often come home - shut my front door and just scream. Actually now that IS screaming. !!

say if you were busy - even !

Suda my love - I hope you stick to your guns, your retirement is not going to be fun if you don't.

32. I've won an around the world cruise, I'll be gone for about 4 months. See you in 2011!!!

That be nice FAKE ! Got to go now - got an appointment but will look in later - any good advice on how to stop conversations deteriorating as I explained in last post would be gratefully received. !!

You have all helped me so much - feel much more hopeful that things will turn out ok now - albeit gradually.

TTFN

you could try consciously not raising your voice - some of the most effective teachers I've seen can make an entire hall-ful of children be quiet, just by speaking slightly quieter than normal. Or stop speaking altogether when the other person cuts in, let them finish, then carry on with your sentence. If you can add in an "as I was saying..." that makes the point quite clearly .

It's really hard though not to get all defensive when that's been your default option for a long time, something I'm still working hard on .

Just say no, no, just say no, say no. It was a song in the charts about drug taking. Very catchy, but you could do with that as a mantra. To start with, you could make one day your own and tell them all, you are not available at all on that day. Then after a month, pick another day, so you are slowly weaning them off relying on you. I must admit I am the same for my family DH and DC, but that's normal isn't it.

Remember it takes two people to create an argument. You have to argue back or they just stand there all shouty while you are calm, and then they look silly.

I know easier said than done, but very effective. Two ways I find useful are to either pretend you are their counsellor, and so really listen to what they are saying, or to pretend that this is an English comprehension test so you really have to listen hard, but it doesn't emotionally involve you.

Both of those take the emotional element out for you and can help you stay calm. Then the person also feels listened to, which is quite disarming if they are not expecting it, and really being listened to intently is not an experience most of us have every day. It can also mean they hear what they are saying, and may realise how selfish it sounds

Good luck, and if all else fails summon up a picture of your man from above in the grass skirt peeling you a grape and tune out!

Oh, also it looks as though they have a cunning plan to win any and all debates with you. They only need to do WHATEVER they can to make you raise your voice and Checkmate, they've got you.

Avoid the checkmate position and they will be flummoxed

I usually go for "no I can't, sorry" and when challenged to find a way that I "can" I change it to "actually, I don't want to".
A previous poster also said it's very hard to make someone want to do something. It's also a very final kind of statement that has no room for negotiation other than "but pleeeeeeeeease", and is therefore likely to annoy someone who likes getting their own way.

SOunds like you're getting the hang of it though, Suda! Hang in there, they'll soon get used to it and more importantly will start to have a bit more respect for you because at the moment they are wholly taking you for granted.

I do the broken record thing with my toddler, and end up sounding very bored and patronising, so goodness knows how wild that would make an adult!

If someone is interrupting me, sometimes I stop and stare at them with a pissed off expression, ostentatiously waiting for them to stop. If they don't stop, I have to interrupt. At that point, the sound of my voice has more of an effect - it is more sudden, and can check the flow of their speech. At that point, I try to end the "conversation" (you can pronounce "conversation" sarcastically if you like!). If they then resume the arguing, that's it, take leave.

I totally agree with other poster about turning the emotional blackmail back on your daughter, being "disappointed" that your attempts to teach her not to interrupt, not to be a taker, etc., evidently have been forgotten...

Also, can you think back to the start of your retirement? Did anyone gush about "having a nice rest" or how you were going to "enjoy your retirement"? If so, throw those words back in their face. If they were delighted that you were going to "help out"... gues they were warning you!

other poster s

guess, not gues
Sorry.

I found this book very helpful, if you don't have the time (or the confidence) to go to a class.

Work out a line to say if you do find yourself shouting at them again and then them using the shouting/screeching line as a way to change the argument...

include something to acknowledge you are shouting, put the blame on them for talking over your, say that you can see that they are getting off the point of the original argument, calm your voice and say now talking in ordinary voice, let's continue, I want my turn... and if they carry on saying about the shouting or refuse to finish the discussion/argument then point out that they obviously feel they are losing the argument and you are right as they can't be bothered to actively convince you that they are right, they just try to change the topic.

and as others say - rehearse all this in your head, run it as different scenarios so that you have different comebacks depending on which way the conversation goes!

Yes thats it ZIP and SKIING GARDNER - and anyone else who pointed this out - they both do this to me because they cant win the argument - my Dad knows full well he hasnt put the clean bloody slippers on Mum however much he lies and protests - so his only way to 'win' the argument is to villify me in the piece as the wicked daughter shouting at her father. My DD knows full well that its not my responsibility to pick up DGS and its perfectly reasonable to say I dont want to do it regularly - so only way she can 'win' her argument is to villify me as 'ranting screeching mum' who doesnt even want to spend time with her own daughter or grandson.

I do want to spend time with all my family - but its always incidental to doing something for them - IYSWIM - not quality time. I dont consider spending time with DGS pushing and shoving out of a school playground - trying to get him in the car and keep my car door and then trying to shunt ( well at least thats what the voices tell me to do ) your way out of an obstacle course of parents,kids,parked cars,lollipop ladies and the general half hour school run lunacy - then sitting in car waiting outside DDs work which is equally busy - well I'm sorry but thats not quality time with my DGS - and me not wanting to do that is nothing to do with not wanting to spend time with him .

Have spoke to my DD and Dad BTW - and sorry but again forgotten who advised this but thank you - and I spoke to them both as if nothing had happened and it didnt come up - so am going to see Mum and Dad today and will put all your very good advice to practise and report back later. So far DD has not asked me to do school run today - which is unusual for Friday. Will update later.

Thank you all very much for taking trouble again.

TTFN

Interesting. Your behaviour on this thread (acknowledging suggestions, thanking, giving feedback) is very much that of a habitually courteous person. Do keep that in mind when you are tempted feel guilty.

Mind you, it's clear that you also have a sense of humour, so a bit of teasing won't kill you (or your family).therefore:

(33) "Anger management, for 'screeching' at you. I'm, so sorry, and have got to remove myself from you until I learn to manage conflict more productively!"

You can use finger-quotation marks about "screeching" and wink as you say this, if you like!

Cant wink PONCY - when I first met DH we lived across the road from each other and used to sort of acknowledge each other as neighbours make the odd remark etc - he often used to praise my reverse parking ( DD take note am excellent at parking = not my incompetence causes school run mayhem ) and I used to do a fake wink at him - sort of tilted my head away from him - so my winking eye was on his blind side - IYSWIM. Anyway it fooled him as I was a few yards away and ever since he often says give us one of them sexy winks like you used to - but cant bring myself to 'fess up' or should I say .

you are right also that am very polite - sometimes am sure is factor in not liking saying no !