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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my dp to do anything when he works full time

42 replies

ynoopsssim · 15/10/2010 19:34

so i no the answer to this anyway but just needed a rant and wanted to no what other people do when they/there dp/h works.

Basically its like living with a teenager (he is 30!!!) Shock

So evening's in our place go something like this...
i return home with ds3 & dd1...i am 5 month pregnant. I have dinner to cook washing to put on/put away/iron etc..., kids to bath, read to and put to bed. All the tidying up to do....currently am doing all his tax return...and planning work in our house...etc

I ask him if he could take dc upstairs and start bath etc...he ignors...hypes them up..rolling about with them on floor which almost always ends in tears while i continue to ask him to take them up Angry I start to get pissed off...he then yells because im 'moody'

Dc end up winding eachother up in bath (because he has hyped them up when they are tired) so cry and he gets annoyed and storms off telling me to sort them out...causing them both to start howling!!

Ds is calling him asking to be put in bed and books...he finally comes back up and mones saying its too hard when we are all here!!! FFS where else are we gonna go!!!

so after kids asleep i continue to tidy up all the books him and my ds have got out and left on floor, the draws he has left open, towels and clothes he has left all over the floor...to go down stairs to start dinner, tidying etc etc etc while he sits watching tv... i finally get to sit down around 10pm!!! ARGH...im exhusted...his reponse is...'i told you not to get pregnant again!!!'

...ahhh...sorry for long post...if i keep it to my self tho i will end up shouting at him and i'll come off worse in the end!!

What do other people'DP/Dh do around the house and with the kids if they work full time?? I no i dont work but he just thinks i chill with mates and drink coffee in the day or something like that Hmm and im so worn out

OP posts:
GoreRenewed · 15/10/2010 19:36

We both work fulltime and I do the bulk of the housework I guess but we share children stuff equally. I work longer hours but DH teaches kids with behavioural problems and comes home like a wrung-out rag some days Sad

He is being totally unreasonable. Totally!

Firawla · 15/10/2010 19:38

yanbu to be annoyed he is not treating you nicely @ all
tbh mine doesnt do a lot either but sounds like a lot of the problem with yours is the attitude? "i told you not to get pregnant again" wtf - did he not have anything to do with it then??? dont think you should have to take that kind of comment

fireblademum · 15/10/2010 19:38

sounds like he needs to walk a mile in your shoes.

laurely · 15/10/2010 19:39

" I told you not to get pregnant again"?????

Are you called Mary?

DH works full time, I work part time. we have 3 children. Routine is the key

All sounds a bit mish mash at the minute

rubyslippers · 15/10/2010 19:40

I don't you not to get pregnant again ...

Words fail me, they really do

Go on strike tomorrow and stay in bed and rest

Me and dh both work ft and dh is away a lot

The lions share falls to me

You and your dh both work - you just don't get a paycheque at the end of the month but that doesn't mean you don't work as hard as your DH

fedupofnamechanging · 15/10/2010 19:45

Stop doing his tax return. The lazy fuck isn't doing anything else at home, so will have plenty of time to do it himself.

Stop cooking for him and washing/ironing his clothes. Your 'job' is to look after the DCs, not him.

I think that with some people the more you do for them, the more they expect.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/10/2010 19:47

I'm a SAHM, DH works full time.

He does bathtime, every single night that he is home - sometimes he is too late. He cooks about 50% of the time, and nearly always clears up after dinner while I read DS his bedtime stories and tidy round upstairs so that it is nice and tidy ready for us to go to bed.

Did he really say 'I told you not to get pregnant again'? Please tell me he didn't. Has he heard of a condom?

Giddyup · 15/10/2010 19:48

He sounds like a prick, Did he not have anything to do with you getting pregnant?! Is it new behaviour? I can't imagine having 3 children with someone who treated me like that, please don't allow it to happen any more Smile.

I am pregnant and at uni, I live with DP and my DS from a previous relationship. DP is away loads but when he is around we share the evening duties. One cooks while the other sorts the washing, has a tidy up and helps DS with homework. Then one of us cleans the kitchen while the other puts DS to bed.

DP is a bit shit when it comes to housework (luckily he works away so much we rarely have to bicker about itGrin) but even he wouldn't sit on his arse and watch me run around all evening preggo or not and DS isn't even his child!

grannieonabike · 15/10/2010 19:49

I feel really really sorry for you. Been there.

My sister had a great system. No-one in the house was allowed to sit down and watch TV until everyone had finished work. That included the kids when they got older.

Sounds like you both need some TLC. Is there a grandparent/aunt/neighbour who could give you a hand? Don't shout at your husband, but try to get some time on your own to talk about it.

I was never able to solve this one, myself, which is why my ex-partner is ex - so I'm no shining example. But you have my sympathy, for what it's worth.

Try to stay calm. Remember why you love him. Good Luck.

winnybella · 15/10/2010 19:49

I don't work at the mo and DP works FT. Every day, before he leaves, he feeds dcs breakfast, cleans cat litter, empties dishwasher and often hangs/puts away the washing. He usually comes back late but if it's before dd's bedtime he will give her a bath and play with her.

Your husband sounds like a wanker, tbh.

Chil1234 · 15/10/2010 19:50

I'd suggest this has nothing to do division of labour or with DP's work-status or even your SAHP status ... and everything to do with the quality & maturity of your relationship. You both feel trapped by your respective lifestyles and, rather than work it out constructively, you're ending up in a 'he said, she said' pointless confrontation.

I'd suggest that you should find some leisure pursuit that gets you out of the home at least once a week. Doesn't matter what it is. Leave your partner to look after the children and enjoy having a little time to yourself. He has time to himself in his work, engaging with other adults etc. If he has to shape up to being a family man once a week he may learn to respect what you do more.

PutTheKettleOn · 15/10/2010 19:58

we're pretty similar to Alibaba - as soon as DH gets in he eats his dinner (I usually eat with DD1 and save him a plate) and then he is on bath/bed duty with DD1 while I clean up, BF DD2 etc. He usually does the washing up, makes his own sarnies for work, does his own ironing. At weekends he cooks and we both share household chores.

I think the thing that works with men is giving them their own specific jobs to do - he knows bath/bed is his job so i never have to ask him to do it, he just does. And he enjoys it as it's his only quality time with DD1 during the week.

I think this weekend you should be struck down with some pregnancy-related illness that requires total bedrest - give him a taste of what it's really like!

lovechoc · 15/10/2010 20:01

DH works full time and I'm a SAHM. DH gets in from work and reads DS1 a bedtime story (he gets in at 7pm so too late to help bath DS1), and only then does he sit down to eat his dinner (his choice!) at around 7.45pm.
On days that he isn't working, he'll do the whole bedtime routine with DS1 whilst I tend to DS2.
Saying that, DH doesn't do any washing, ironing, hoovering or general tidying up because I do all that kind of stuff and consider it my job. I don't hoover very often, or iron so it's not a big deal. And if I'm too tired, the lounge gets left in a mess. Neither of us bother.

OP, you need to lower your standards a tad. Just leave the house a bit messy from time to time and then choose a day to do the tidying up?? No point being a martyr since your DP isn't willing to help you much.

I am not sure I could live with someone who isn't willing to help with childcare in the evening, esp bedtime routines. It is very draining when you have been home all day on your own and then still having bedtimes to do all by yourself - I'd be having words!

LittlebearH · 15/10/2010 20:10

God your poor thing, no wonder youre knackered!! Cannot beleive he told you not to get pregnant!!!

I only have 1 DD (8 months) and I get sooo cross at my DP leaving cupboards open,not rinsing the bath out,clothes on floor. Doesnt throw anything away,puts empty jar back in cupboard,wet towel on the bed and my personal fave - leaving shit round the toilet pan. Lose count of the number of times I say please dont....

He does cook dinner though.

YANBU

You are pregnant..you need a rest.

Georgimama · 15/10/2010 20:17

I can't help thinking it was a bad idea to have four children with a man like this, but there you go. Yes he had something to do with it, but so did the OP.

You're not happy, he's not pulling his weight, what are you going to do about it? It's not going to get any easier when the next one comes along, in fact it's going to get worse. This isn't a man/woman thing - people treat other people as badly as they are allowed to. That goes for LittleBear's husband too. shit round the pan? Are you married to animals?

spidookly · 15/10/2010 20:20

He sits on his arse and watches you work? WHILE YOU ARE PREGNANT?

He sounds abusive tbh

LittlebearH · 15/10/2010 20:25

Georgimama - Thankfully my DP is not all bad, generally treats me well but is fucking useless at cleaning up after himself no matter how many times I tell him.

Georgimama · 15/10/2010 20:33

Give him a bucket to crap in then. He's useless at cleaning up because his uselessness has no consequences (for him).

LittlebearH · 15/10/2010 20:53

Georgimama - Will add bucket to shopping list!

dementedma · 15/10/2010 21:04

DH and I both work full time, but I definitely do more housework than he does. he does stuff if i ask but seems unable to do it off his own bat which annoys me. however he does help with the shopping, cooking and taxiing kids about in school runs and drop offs, and he always puts DS1 to bed when he's home (he works shifts). But I do pretty much all the laundry and ironing,
and "organising" eg birthdays, dentists, ppacked lunches, etc etc

AnnieLoBOOseder · 15/10/2010 21:07

When I was still at home, DH would walk in the door and wade in to help as soon as he came in, and neither of us rested until all the work was done. He works FT? Boo hoo! So do you. And you don't get to knock off at 5pm. Neither should he.

He needs a very serious talking too. There are respect issues here that need addressing.

ray81 · 15/10/2010 21:20

YANBU may DH has his faults but when he gets up in the morning he makes DD1 lunch for school, irons his shirt and then gets DD2 dressed. When he gets home from work he baths DD2 and then sometimes will make dinner whilst i put both DDs to bed.
I will admit i do the housework and washing etc but then he wouldnt do it properly so i dont mind that so much. Although he did empty the dishwasher this morning Shock doesnt normally do that.

onceamai · 16/10/2010 05:31

My DH never did anything - much - but he did accept that he needed to pay a cleaner because of it. I was a SAHM for 7 years and thought it entirely fair that he did.

3thumbedwitch · 16/10/2010 05:47

YANBU, he is being a selfish, chauvinistic arse.

Do the bare minimum that needs doing - leave the tidying up - if he whinges about the tidiness level of the place, then he can bloody well do something about it.

What a prick, seriously.

theskiinggardener · 16/10/2010 07:11

I'm a SAHM, DH works full time. When he is at home everything is shared 50:50. He works 8-6 and so do I with DS so sharing the rest is fair. This includes taking alternate nights to get up with DS who has decided sleep is optional.

I am extremely lucky I know but yours is a lazy selfish twunt. You need to sit down and talk and if he won't start pulling his weight then stop doing the housework for him.

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