to expect my dp to do anything when he works full time

[ynoopsssim]

so i no the answer to this anyway but just needed a rant and wanted to no what other people do when they/there dp/h works.

Basically its like living with a teenager (he is 30!!!)

So evening's in our place go something like this...
i return home with ds3 & dd1...i am 5 month pregnant. I have dinner to cook washing to put on/put away/iron etc..., kids to bath, read to and put to bed. All the tidying up to do....currently am doing all his tax return...and planning work in our house...etc

I ask him if he could take dc upstairs and start bath etc...he ignors...hypes them up..rolling about with them on floor which almost always ends in tears while i continue to ask him to take them up I start to get pissed off...he then yells because im 'moody'

Dc end up winding eachother up in bath (because he has hyped them up when they are tired) so cry and he gets annoyed and storms off telling me to sort them out...causing them both to start howling!!

Ds is calling him asking to be put in bed and books...he finally comes back up and mones saying its too hard when we are all here!!! FFS where else are we gonna go!!!

so after kids asleep i continue to tidy up all the books him and my ds have got out and left on floor, the draws he has left open, towels and clothes he has left all over the floor...to go down stairs to start dinner, tidying etc etc etc while he sits watching tv... i finally get to sit down around 10pm!!! ARGH...im exhusted...his reponse is...'i told you not to get pregnant again!!!'

...ahhh...sorry for long post...if i keep it to my self tho i will end up shouting at him and i'll come off worse in the end!!

What do other people'DP/Dh do around the house and with the kids if they work full time?? I no i dont work but he just thinks i chill with mates and drink coffee in the day or something like that and im so worn out

OP - my heart goes out to you.

Is your DP from a long-line of numpty men who are lazy, or is it just him?

I would feel sad for the kids growing up seeing a man sat on his ass and a run-ragged mum.

DH works full-time (sometimes intense - leaving for London at 5.30 am and not getting back until 9 pm, and other times pretty relaxed at home). I work part-time in what can be a pretty stressful job - my time commitment to that is around 15-20 hours a week.

DH was pretty appalling when DS was little (I also work more hours, although still part-time). To be honest I don't even want to go there. He was the same as your DH without the bothering to play bit. Now he is a bit older (infants at primary school), and a LOT easier DH does more. Probably both because it is easier and because I have become more assertive with my expectations.

As for housework - he will do basic bits and bobs. Occasionally emptying the bin but if he attempts the recyling he usually gets that wrong. He will do the washing up/dishwasher pretty regularly but that is usually his own dishes from breakfast/lunch on the days he works from home. He will then claim to have 'cleaned the kitchen' even though he hasn't done the drying up/putting away (if he did he may discover quite a lot still dirty) or wiped the surfaces.

I am perfectly happy to do all the actual houework to be honest - my hours mean that I can comfortably cover all the housework and do my paid work/ bulk of the childcare during the time DH works. All I really want him to do is to pick up after himself and he still hasn't managed that - He doesn't get that it isn't about actually doing the task but having to walk into a room where he has discarded stuff everywhere (empty lager cans, socks, dinner plate etc). It only takes a few seconds/minutes to clear up after yourself. I find that aspect of his behaviour pretty selfish and disrespectful tbh.

Do what I've done (I could have typed the original post although my dc can go days and not actually see there dad as he leaves before they wake and comes home after they are alseeo) buy a train ticket to a friends for a weekend tell him you are going away and he is in charge. I have made it extra difficult for my dh and am going away while my parents (our on close relatives) are on their hols ds has a hiar cut booked and an away match and dd has a party (she is only 4 so he will have to stay)am hoping on my return he realises why I am so shattered all the time!

YANBU, although perhaps the majority of chores should fall to you, he could still do some chores to help out.
You know wash the dishes after evening meal, cook a few times a week, that sort of thing.
I do think the advice to stop doing anything for him as you are only there to look after children is dodgy- if you only look after children and not him, he may take attitude that his pay cheque is only to look after children, too, and deny you a portion of pay cheque.
I'm not saying he will do this and for all I know you are rich in your own right and won't care if he does, however, if not, tit-for-tat isn't a good way to go about resolving this problem.

Perhaps a weekend away to see a friend (any old excuse will do, tbh) will give him some perspective that looking after small children is pretty tiring?

Tit for tat is a good way to resolve this problem.

If he decides his paycheck is only for him and the children and that you should be left in penury if you don't work as his skivvy then you know for sure that you need to divorce him.

OP: You don't have a problem with the division of labour in your house, you have a problem with a twat for a husband

I'm a SAHM and I'm 33wks pregnant with DC2. Weekdays, DH will get up and play with DS for a little bit before work. He doesn't get back from work until after DS is asleep but he cooks dinner almost every night. On weekends, he takes primary care of DS - does his meals, changes him, etc, and takes him out to the park so I can have a rest. Today, the kitchen was a bombsite because I've been so tired (can't sleep very well) but he's gone in and done all the dishes and cleaned the kitchen for me.

The idea that you somehow got pregnant independantly of him is insulting at best. I would also stop doing everything for him and see how he likes fending for himself for a change. TWAT.

Am shocked at the DHs on here who seem to think that they don't need to put anything into the house or home life. DH works v long hours, often leaves at 9am and isn't home until 10.30 or midnight, but he does more than half the laundry including putting it away, cleans the kitchen and bathroom, plays with 4yo DD when he can, takes her to the park so I can have a break, washes the kitchen floor, takes out the bins, sorts the recycling, always gets up first to put the kettle on for coffee, washes everything that can't go in the dishwasher etc etc. He might annoy the hell out of me in all kinds of ways at times but I can't fault him on doing his share.

spidookly He does work full-time, she does not. I do not see it as unreasonable that she does most of the chores. Not all, just most.
I do not see this as skivvying at all.
Just a fair division of labour (I know children are busy, but do mothers actually spend every waking second actually with children? Surely small children nap and there is time to do chores then?)
Certainly if both were working it would be.

She is bloody working full time. She's just not getting paid. And frankly, as my DH said the day after he'd looked after DD entirely alone all day for the first time 'Babies are tons more tiring than work. I had no idea. Give me a full on job every time. I don't know how you do it.'

If she has small children who are still at the napping stage, that's her time to REST and be her own person, IMO. Life's too short to do housework when your babies are napping. Read your book, eat something unsuitable that you don't want them to see, run about in the garden and scream. DO NOT DO THE HOUSEWORK (unless not doing it would make you feel miserable).

My DH would not be ALLOWED to slob on the sofa while I toiled around him, especially not if I were pg! I would kick his arse off it.

Actually, we have a really good division of labour - he works full time but his job in the evening is to take the dcs off my hands so I can do the tea and any domestic stuff. He does all the baths and bedtime, then mucks in with dishwasher unloading etc. Neither of us would dream of relaxing while the other was working - we're a partnership fgs!

I can't imagine being in your shoes OP. I'm not surprised you're pissed off.

sunshine...im loving your plan...!!haha!!

wow...there are alot of you who's dp do quite alot in the home and they cook!!!! !!! and to those of you who also have dp who do little to nothing, you have my full simpathy!!

Trylikingclarity unfortunatly he is from a long line of lazy f*s who tbh are worse than he is!! i am working hard to ensure my ds will not follow them and he always makes his bed, puts plates etc in sink, tidys toys!!

marantha it's not the chores that piss me off...yes i do have time in the day to do the housework etc and dont have a problem with that. Its when he returns to a tidy house and deposit's his clothes on the floor, towels on bed,shave's and doesnt rinse sink, makes a snack and leaves all butter, jars, etc every were and has the opinion its the womans job to do that shit!!! All the work i do in the day he then 'undoes' it in under half hour

Horton and everyone else who said im working full time but not gettng paid THANK YOU for the recognition!!! I may be at home with my dc but i dont want to spend every our tidying...i actually want to spend some quality time with dc....once that times gone its gone...and im also loving your ideas for nap time (when they decide to nap that it!!haha)

My XP was a complete twat, yet every day he would cook dinner, tidy up, and hoover.

Somedays, he would also run me a bath, and he was regularly found at the kitchen sink washing up.

His first words on arriving home from a gruelling 12 hr day at a physically demanding job? 'Want a cuppa?' and he made the tea.

There were days when I did nothing, nothing at all but surf the net and use endless clean cups to make endless cups of tea (Later discovered I had PND) but not once did XP complain or make any kind of remark about what I had or had not done, he just rolled his sleeves up and got stuck in with a smile on his face.

I only wish the rest of who he was, was half as good.

Crisps are my guilty pleasure when DD is at preschool. Gorge yourself. Or whatever floats your boat. Honestly, I don't see how anyone could deny a mother that little stretch of time on her own. And good luck with the napping. And give your DH a big kick up the backside from me!

Sorry, OP, your DP sounds like an arse but what are you doing putting up with this crap? If you don't demand respect you won't get it. Grow a spine, and start having a grown up conversation between the two of you about how you run your home. I'd be discussing a cleaner and thinking about other help too. His tax return should go to an accountant. If you are an accountant, my apologies, but then you should be charging him professional fees.

When baby no 3 comes along you are both going to be pretty busy - you need to get this sorted. As others have said, this is about respect and communication. Hope things work out for you.

Pre-children - 14 years of both working full time during which I did all the housework, 99.9% of the cooking, the gardening, everything except mowing the lawns and going to the tip.

Children arrived, (three children under two yrs age) and DH would do a few bits and bobs if I nagged him senseless, but he definitely had the attitude that I was home all day so I should do it.

I was a SAHM, doing nearly all of it, for 12 years, then went back to work part time, at which stage DH removed a digit and began to help out a little bit. For the last two years I have worked full time and DH now cooks quite a bit, vacuums, does some of the washing etc.

The secret? I just stopped. I stopped doing everything. He and the kids would ask what is for dinner, where are my shoes/shirts/school clothes, and I would just shrug and say, dunno.

It was brilliant, you should have seen their faces. I literally went on strike for about 6 months. (Mind you, the kids were old enough to do things by themselves by them, the OP is not quite to that stage). I read a lot of books, played on the net and the house and garden went to hell in a handbasket.

Anyway you know what? It worked, but I resent DH now more than ever. Its almost insulting that he now "helps" so much because I am working outside the home, but couldnt pitch in at all when I was struggling with small children and a huge dose of PND. In fact, it sh*ts me up the wall.

Rant over.

My advice - just stop.

ynoop OK, fair enough. I think it's fair to say that when he is home he is a lazy prat for leaving his things about the place.
This is what I mean by majority of chores should fall to you- but he should still do some all the same.
I also have to say that unless a person has a child who has special needs (in which case the housework comes bottom of list), I do not buy that an able-bodied sahp can't find time in day to do chores.
Although I have to agree with the poster who said that there are deeper issues here: the comment about pregnancy being your 'fault', it takes two to tango.
You've got your work cut out having 3 small children with this guy. Best of luck.