My parents won't have dcs at theirs for the night as "too much" but will come to stay at ours with my sister to look after them AND stay over WTF!!!

[minxofmancunia]

My parents love seeing our dcs AS LONG AS WE'RE THERE. they pester me like hell to go and stay in their rural backwater cheshire hamlet so we can see them. They've never offered NOT ONCE to have dcs without us there. When we're there they don't offer to get up with them for an hour do the bath, nothing. They babysit ocassionally in the evening once the dcs are in bed.

My sister is looking after both of them this weekend at ours from Saturday 1pm to sunday 3pm, she has no dcs but is great with them. My best friend was supposed to be helping out (it's mine and dhs 5 year wedding anniversary) but she's had to go away with work. I've arranged for some other friends to go round to help. However my sister has managed to get my parents not only to come and help with bed time but to stay over to help her, in our house.

I just feel like saying "why the f*k won't you just have them at yours, just once in 4 f*king years to give us a break??, but when she (sister) asks you'll STAY????"

My Mum has never stayed in any of my houses, even after dd was born and i had severe PND. She had flute lessons to go to etc. Choirs to sing in. When me and Dh nearly split and I begged for just one night off she refused, "we're too busy darling". When i was 19 and ended up on anti depressants at university age 19 she didn't want to come and see me. I just stayed in bed, failed my year and cried for months. My dad came eventually and packed me up and brought me home.

I know I sound spoilt and undeserving esp as they're helping look after my dcs for the night. But I'm f**king aghast!!

everytime friends of ours have a bit of time out (and some have a lot) it hurts a bit, but it's really begun to get to me recently. she said Dh shouldn't have asked my sister as it was "too much" for her but we're desperate, i'll admit it, and sister seemed happy to do the night. We just wanted the night off.

BTW when I was pg with dd both sides of Gps offered the world. 4 years down the line the reverse is true.

for the first few years my ILs were like that. They wouldn't spend time with DS unless we were there. I think they were scared of nappies!. In the end, we stopped visiting, as we couldn't be bothered to drive 3 hours to be in a house that was not child-friendly and not even have a childfree hour all weekend. So, after about 8 months, they realised this was not going to work and they changed their attitude completely. They now have DS for half terms, weekends, etc and they even moved closer to us (about 50 minutes) so that they can spend more time with DS. I think it was a question of confidence, and the 8 month break made them realise it was up to them how involved they wanted to be in DSs life.

Lil - I got so cross on that thread I hid it. I knew I was going to lose my temper.

Minx - YANBU. It is HARD when you feel your parents don't give a crap.

"I do feel that if someone has had help from their own parents with their Dcs they would have to be deeply selfish people to not do the same with their own GCs. They know the deal and are actively deciding to opt out.

If the GPs never got any help from their parents they may just assume that is how things are and maybe have some excuse. But not much. After all, this is about helping your kids (albeit grown up) when they need you - isn't that part of being a parent?"

Surely that depends on the grandparent? It was not deeply selfish of my 92yo FIL and 75yo MIL to not offer to look after a couple of boisterous toddlers, just because their parents may have been fit enough to look after their toddlers. And after my mother had ended up with bad colds lasting the entire winter several years running, I could understand why she seemed less willing to attend the bedsides of her grandchildren. Just because she is perfectly capable of having lots of activities going on, doesn't mean her immune system is up to scratch.

The truth is that as many of us have chosen to have children later in life, grandparents are often older then they were. And that somebody in their senventies often is less tough and resilient than somebody in their thirties- though they may look perfectly fit.

Yes, if GPs are frail and not physically up to hard core childcare that is obviously different. Though I would be disappointed if they did not want to spend time with their GCs and did not help in whatever way their state of health allowed.

My dad has Parkinsons and is still willing to stay with DCs if I need to go out if my mum is not around. He loves to spend time with DCs and now they are older and dont need so much constant watching he can cope for a while.

Yes, of course you want to feel that they want to help. But I hate the idea (as hinted at in some posts above) that spending time with your relatives is only worthwhile if you can get some practical benefit from it. We used to take dcs (including one in a wheelchair) across the country - 4 trains, journey time between 4 1/2 and 6 hours- to visit grandparents because we loved them; it never occurred to us that this would only be worthwhile if we could get some childfree time out of it. I expect 10yo ds to sit in the car for 6 hours this weekend to visit his grandma in the nursing home, not because nursing homes are fun places, but to show that he cares.

Of course it is different if you don't actually like each other.

But that could equally be the case with someone who was able to offer childcare.

I think the overriding feeling on this thread is of resentment of very able bodied GPs who do not offer help whan it is badly needed and would not really put them out too much, rather than only being interested in GPs for their services as babysitters.

I was thinking of this post, Dancing:

"They wouldn't spend time with DS unless we were there. I think they were scared of nappies!. In the end, we stopped visiting, as we couldn't be bothered to drive 3 hours to be in a house that was not child-friendly and not even have a childfree hour all weekend."

That does seem as if the poster was out for what they could get. THough very nice to see there was a happy ending, which appears to have been beneficial to both parties.

It's a bit rich, Dancin, when these particular GPs haven't even managed to have these kids on their own for any length of time at all. Ever.

It just ain't gonna happen.

And because it's not, it's time for the OP to accept that it's going to be evenings out, not weekends and overnighters, and so look at hiring a paid babysitter.

It's possible to celebrate a big anniversary with a meal and a film, you don't need an overnighter or weekened away.

Nice, but the vast majority of folks don't get that, either.

C'est la vie.

expat - or leave DCs with friends for a weekend.

We have done that on several occasions and these particular friends do not even have DCs, so we can't even return the favour for them. They just love having the DCs, they are like a second set of parents. We have named them as guardians in our will. Its a pity some of the posters here don't have parents like them.

I agree that if GPs dont want to get involved there is nothing you can do about it, just have to get on with it.

But when it comes to them needing help in their frail old age they cannot complain if they are just dumped in the nearest home and ignored.

What goes around comes around

'They like to be serviced with endless cups of tea and lots of meals, while they perform this arduous task of critiquing our childcaring efforts.'

Oh, and people who have parents like this, FFS, do not enable them!

Point them in the direction of the kitchen and tell them to sort out their own fucking cup of tea.

WHY on Earth are you skivvying for them when they are there doing FA?

Screw that!

cory - yes I tend to agree with you about that post, but I don't think it is representative.

Mind you, I find it hard to understand families who do not just pitch in and help wherever needed. I think it is really sad.

I was told by some grandparents that they avoid it because it is difficult to keep it fair when they have more than one children/grandchildren.

Laquitar, my parents have 4 GCs but it has never stopped them from helping out with them all as much as they can.

Sounds like a bit of a feeble excuse to me - ignore them all equally so no-one feels left out!

Why don't they just come out and admit they just don't want to get involved - at least that would be honest.

"Why don't they just come out and admit they just don't want to get involved - at least that would be honest".

Indeed.

My MIL has 6 GC and has always found plenty of time to interfere incessantly with ALL their lives!

These types of people don't see it as they don't want to be involved. They think they are! That's why it's best just to accept that they're not interested and plan accordingly.

But definitely, definitely, do not go out of you way waiting on them or driving hours and hours stressing yourself out to see them if that's the case.

I agree with not enabling entitled parents/relatives.

When DD is born and we've got 3yo DS to look after, I'm planning to leave mugs, caffetiere, teapot, labelled containers all out on display in the kitchen.

Then I shall politely point early visitors in the direction of the kitchen.

I like looking after people in my house, but not just after giving birth.

So I shall make it easy for them to look after themselves.

Expat, it's hard to be that blunt when you have a poor relationship anyway.

The temptation to tell my parents, and DP's parents in the past, to go and get their own f...ing cup of tea is VERY strong. I suppose I don't do it cos we are still trying to maintain some sort of basic level of civility so my children do see their grandparents. Children like to see their grandparents. I loathe every minute of it. It's difficult. and so I resist, mostly, the urge to tell them to get their own f...ing tea.

But see, Fennel, telling them to get their own tea doesn't have to be done rudely at all.

Just a simple, 'Right, kitchen's there, help yourselves!'

And don't get up and do it.

OK, I get that if your parents never helped you even if you were ill as a teenager, you will feel let down and unloved, but it just isn't true that 'everyone' has parents who look after children for days or overnight. Plenty of us don't.
I also hate the idea that if parents don't give us nights out and holidays by babysitting (and I think looking after children is bloody tiring at 40!) we should reject them and hate them and punish them by being cruel when they become frail. Does it occur to you that your parents might feel they have 'earned' the right to your love and care by bringing up YOU? They did all the sleepless nights and nappies and meals and pram pushing that you are complaining of - for YOU! Only with horrible terry nappies and a crappy twin-tub and no dishwasher etc etc etc, and probably no overnight babysitting from their parents. My grandparents were alive until I was in my teeens at least, but they never babysat overnight while my parents were out shagging - and this was true of my friends too. We visited them as a family - my parents never went out and left us there. I don't think it occurred to any of us that they should!

Well, yes. indeed. that is mostly what we do. often quite rudely in fact. and they are surprised and a bit offended, every bloody time.

I think it is easier to be blunt with someone you have some affection for, harder when you really don't want to see them at all.

But CCC, do you feel that way about your own children?

I don't feel as though I'm earning any rights of that nature. I'm bringing up my children to the best of my ability and loving them because that is the only right thing to do.

I hope that I will have their love and respect as they grow older, but - as with any relationship - one has to remain reasonable, understanding and compassionate if one is to maintain cordial relations with anyone - ones own offspring included.

If I refuse to help my adult children when they need it, I'll need to be accept the probable consequences of that.

Excuse the errant be.

Keep doing it, Fennel! Keep getting them to do it yourself if they get offended every time fuck 'em.

Honestly, that's just a control game they've got there.

Don't stand for it.

I can see where CCF is coming from, too.

I really can't think of anyone who has more than one child whose folks or ILs take them all for entire weekends so the couple can go shag when the kids are really young.

The odd overnighter, but not whole weekends with little kids.

TBH, I really don't like the little kid stage. I'm loving it now my elder two are getting a bit more self-sufficient, and although I will definitely help as much as possible, distance considering and the fact that I'll have to work till I drop, I hope they don't hate me or reject me if I don't feel capable of taking all their kids overnight so they can go boff each other all weekend.

Sorry, but that's pretty close to my idea of hell.

I would feel very hurt if my children only loved me for what they could get out of me and after my loving and caring for them and raising them to adulthood, they felt they could be cruel to me just because I wouldn't now do it all over again for their children.