My parents won't have dcs at theirs for the night as "too much" but will come to stay at ours with my sister to look after them AND stay over WTF!!!

[minxofmancunia]

My parents love seeing our dcs AS LONG AS WE'RE THERE. they pester me like hell to go and stay in their rural backwater cheshire hamlet so we can see them. They've never offered NOT ONCE to have dcs without us there. When we're there they don't offer to get up with them for an hour do the bath, nothing. They babysit ocassionally in the evening once the dcs are in bed.

My sister is looking after both of them this weekend at ours from Saturday 1pm to sunday 3pm, she has no dcs but is great with them. My best friend was supposed to be helping out (it's mine and dhs 5 year wedding anniversary) but she's had to go away with work. I've arranged for some other friends to go round to help. However my sister has managed to get my parents not only to come and help with bed time but to stay over to help her, in our house.

I just feel like saying "why the f*k won't you just have them at yours, just once in 4 f*king years to give us a break??, but when she (sister) asks you'll STAY????"

My Mum has never stayed in any of my houses, even after dd was born and i had severe PND. She had flute lessons to go to etc. Choirs to sing in. When me and Dh nearly split and I begged for just one night off she refused, "we're too busy darling". When i was 19 and ended up on anti depressants at university age 19 she didn't want to come and see me. I just stayed in bed, failed my year and cried for months. My dad came eventually and packed me up and brought me home.

I know I sound spoilt and undeserving esp as they're helping look after my dcs for the night. But I'm f**king aghast!!

everytime friends of ours have a bit of time out (and some have a lot) it hurts a bit, but it's really begun to get to me recently. she said Dh shouldn't have asked my sister as it was "too much" for her but we're desperate, i'll admit it, and sister seemed happy to do the night. We just wanted the night off.

BTW when I was pg with dd both sides of Gps offered the world. 4 years down the line the reverse is true.

To those who say your kids, your responsibility - I do hope you don't need support from your own DCs when you get old if you're going to continue that attitude into your own grandparenting.

In a very similar situation myself.

I have never said anything and now i feel bitter and let down and have very little contact with the pil & my family.

Had 3 mcs over the last 2 years, was hospitalized. Had to be alone as dh stayed home to look after ds, had no one to turn to to watch him while dh came and sat with me during the worst possible nights of my life. They knew.

PND, child who didnt sleep throught he night till he was 4 and at school, i was a walking corpse....nothing, not even "can we take him to the park for an hour"? Nothing.

DS is pil ONLY gc, they show absolutely zero interest, my family cant cope with him and so its like he is nothing to do with them.

I believe that they just dont like me, and that they are frankly too selfish to see any one else.
crapola, totally crapola. I quietly seeth and probably would never say anything, but let down and bitter is how i feel.

I don't think your being unreasonable but I do think theres more to this.

My sister is brilliant and will have DS the night if I ask (not very often) and I've always said I'll return the favour when needed. (she doesn't have dcs at the mo) Mum has him now he's older and had him for 3 nights in the summer.

I lived abroad until DS was 22 months and when me and his dad had seperated DS was in A and E after a febral convulsion. Tried to ring his dad and ex-MIL and when I eventually got through at midnight she gave me an earful about the time. I asked if she and/or Ex-p could have him the next day as I needed to work (no work = no pay). Told me no as her and ex-p were looking at a flat for him I made my decision that night to return to UK as if you can't get help in an emergency then you never will. (oh btw they didn't even come to hospital despite the fact DS was being tested for menigitis )

You need to make some new friends so you aren't so jealous. My mothet dead and my father has vascular dementia and my inlaws need care themselves so have never had any help from anyone. I stopped feeling so bad about this when I made friends in the same boat. Also I try to feel better about this by feeling smug that we have done this all by ourselves whist looking after our parents so we must be ultra brilliant parents!!
Also we have hope on the horizon. A wonderful friend of mine offered to have our children for a day and night. It will be the first time we have had a childfree day in 7 years.

My parents are similar and have only looked after my dc's a handful of times for an hour or two in 12 years. When I split up from ex-h after a long period of domestic violence, I rang them to tell them. They didn't contact me at all until I rang them again a week later . Another time they refused to help when I needed to go to FIL's funeral and couldn't take my very young dc's.

I don't think they themselves ever had any help when me and my brother were children. So it never occurs to them to give it. In fact, I don't really think my Mum enjoyed having children, so having my dc's would be a major trauma for her rather than a pleasure.

I've just learned to accept it now, but it still does cause me some sadness, simply because it seems so depressing not to support each other in a family.

Hiya. I really do sympathise with you but you are not alone. If its any concillation my parents are shite 2. I have 4 kids and am a lone parent and they will never babysit (even when the kids are in bed) not even recently on my birthday. They hardly ever want us to go around and when we do they dont interact with the kids at all. They wont even so much as ake them to the park. I have give up crying over it now and am going to counselling although It annoys me as when I was a child my grandparents had me to stay over every weekend so they could go out. I think they are just selfish and inconciderate to be honest and not worth your worrying about. Just enjoy your night away and try not to worry. Who knows maybe they will get used to the idea when they have done it once:-)xxx

Oh Minx I really, really sympathise. My mum didn't notice when I was depressed at uni and needed rescuing either. It still hurts when I'm vulnerable and need her help. I'd love for her to be more involved as a gp now but have to accept that she's just not that family oriented (she also has a very busy and successful career , I'm really proud of her for that and it does give a reason that she has so little time to spare).
Ironically it is the retired inlaws who claim to be "devoted" to their grandchildren who piss me off more. They provide some childcare but it is very sporadic and totally on their terms, all about them enjoying spending time with ds rather than about offering us support. PILs recently got back after 8 months abroad (they claim to spend half the year in the UK which is utter bollocks), have almost ignored DS since their return (inexplicable given their alleged devotion to him!), and we recently found out through SIL that they are going away for a week, 2 weeks before DS2's due date, despite having promised months ago that they would take care of DS when I go into labour.
Sorry to rant, it's not going to change anything for you. At least my parents and inlaws disappoint in different ways (and it's not all bad, the reality is I'm just v needy at the moment so easily go off on one) - sounds like you have the whole package in your parents!

Gaelic (think it was you) lol at your mum's flute lessons! I had those - when I was 11! My PIL's little jaunt in November is to a country dancing convention. Bless.

'Twasn't me but I smiled as well.

I empathise . Mine are very similar although if I truly need them to look after them for some reason (rather than want them to or need a break) then they will e.g. for an hour or so.

Each time they have taken at least a week, if not two to come and see their new grandchildren despite living close by and being retired. My inlaws we see probably about three or maybe four times a year despite also being close. We have no other family. It hurts as you expect them to be really excited and desperate to see them.

I think its hard to understand - I know I could never react to my children in that way. I cant wait to have grandchildren and support them how they want to be supported.

I have had pnd three times now and my parents never noticed / decided to ignore it. I just dont understand

Peppa, I hate to say it but I think it is a generational thing. The "baby boomers" are the most privileged generation ever to have lived and see pleasing nobody but themselves as a morally Good Thing. Most of them had a lot more support from their own parents than they are inclined to give out, which makes me think it is worth persevering to try get a little more support out of them.

Interesting just how many posters on this thread have had PND, when lack of support is a major risk factor. No coincidence I'm sure!

Actually thinking about that makes me feel a lot more lucky than many of you. I didn't have PND although I'm not the world's biggest coper and have been depressed in the past. This is surely in part due to support from parents and other family members. Will try to look on the bright side a little more!

I think what winds me up so much with my Mother is that my grandparents had her children every Sunday without fail for years so that she could enjoy her hobbies.
Yes they are our children and our responsibility but nobody is asking these GP's to take on decision making role about schools, to finance the children, to clothe them, to do all the daily boring tasks that parents do. Simply to enjoy having a part in your own daughter or sons life and to be trusted with their baby is an honor surely ?
A lady from schools husband sat and watched my baby whilst he was having a coffee so I could play with my older child at a party once and when he gave him back it said what a privilege it had been to be able to enjoy the baby for a short time.
It brought tears to my eyes that the bloody grandparents don't feel the same way as a relative stranger :(

I think expecting overnights/weekends away is a bit rich, tbh.

Like some other posters, we live far from the GPs (our choice), so get no help at all.

We've never been away overnight in 7 years.

Won't be for another decade or so at least.

Such is life.

YANBU to wish/expect some babysitting if they are fairly nearby, but I think thinking you can go off for a weekend/overnight's a bit much.

I'd stop visiting them, though, and I'd tell them why.

I do know a lot of boomers, around age 60, who are really smug and selfish like this.

Minx, am not begrudging you help from your parents at all, it's lovely if they can help.

I just wanted to raise the thread last night where the OP was feeling ill, shakey, shivering from a cold/flu whatever. She had asked her entire family if they could come over and help her, as she felt so awful.

She got toasted.

Minx has DC, and it's her wedding anniversary, so just wants to have an evening with her H, understandable.

The flu ridden OP just wanted a lie down.... why was she told that the DC are her DC and to suck it up.

We have to understand one thing, as sad as it can be to have to accept, that we don't have a right to expect anything from anyone really. All we can do is ASK and hope that they will agree.

If we don't ask for help when we need it, then wail about not having any, then we are our own worst enemies.

This is not pointed at anyone, merely a general observation.

I do think that our parents ought to help if they can, as it really helps bind the greater family unit and actually is really pleasant for the GP to help out with their GC, as the GC give so much back.

Sadly just because some in society are older and grey, doesn't mean they are wise. It's their loss ultimately, our job to make sure we don't do the same when and if it comes to being our turn to be GP.

They don't have the confidence to cope with them on their own. Which is why the will do it with someone else there. It's not unusual or unreasonably IMO. But frustrating I can see.

expat, I don't think it is "a bit rich" to expect overnights/weekends away if this was the level of help that the GPs here received form their parents with their own children. They consequently know what is normal levels of help in their family, have been quite happy to accept this help for themselves but are now not happy to pass the favour down to the next generation.

My GPs had us to stay for weeks on end in the schools holidays, we all had a great time and my parents got a welcome break. Now I have DCs my mum has offered to have mine to stay for the whole of the summer holidays if I want - they live abroad. Have not taken them up on this yet as DCs are too young to travel there unaccompanied yet but will certainly look to do this in the next few years. They also frequently come over to ours to stay in the hols and look after DCs all the time I am at work - and are very happy to do so. They are really surprised if i suggest i think i am taking the piss out a bit, they just say "we are family, of course I am happy to help"

And in turn I have helped them out when they needed a place to live for a few weeks before they moved abroad and have done lots of other things to help them. That is what families do.

My parents are the wartime generation, maybe that is why they are not so selfish!

It's not so much wanting my parents to do childcare, as wanting them to love my kids and spend time with them. And wanting my parents to show that they do, actually, love me - love me enough to put themselves out for me occasionally.

They don't, and that hurts. It is all about them. They want to come and sit in my house and watch the children while I do all the work. They complain that this doesn't happen often enough.

Ninedragons you are right. I shall be too busy looking after dh's parents, who understand what family relationships are about.

I feel for you, & can relate to a lot of this with both sides of our DDs GPs

though my parents live a long way off, & now both have serious health issues, so can be excused, & TBH, despite my relating to a lot of what you say as regards them never visiting etc etc....mine have never visited any of my homes either, not even when I have been seriously ill & in hospital, yest can manage a 300mile round trip to loaned my Brother money

these days they blame Mums ill health, but I know it would be the same regardless, as it always has been that way with me, so I doubt DC would make any difference.......& yes on challenged on this or any other issues Mum sounds EXACTLY as you describe.....but will blame my being "the coper" & therefore my Brother NEEDS her more

that said, they have actually made more effort than MIL, in that on visits to them, on a couple of occasions, when DD was younger, they've told us to go out for a meal & they would watch her, we had to be near by, & contactable by phone though, but better than nothing I suppose.

despite my otherwise getting on well with her....MIL on the other hand is a complete joke, she makes a big deal of DD in front of her friends, wants the gossip on whats shes up to etc, so as to have something to talk about with them, but despite her living not too far away, I can still count on 2 hands the number of times she's babysat

She would only watch her when she was older.....god forbid she might have to change a nappy & partly because I got fed up with the fact that she would only watch her here..of course AFTER DD was in bed this meant her staying over.....& she also expected to come early & have her tea cooked for her had to be by me too .....& then she would be up at the crack of dawn....6 am is a lie in for her, & then she'd let herself into our bedroom, wake us up & then sit on the bottom of the bed chattering away as if it was a perfectly normal thing to do

We have tried insisting DD stayed with her instead....did it once & the phone calls started at 5 am asking was DH on is way to pick DD up & if not what time she insisted DD was fretting for us & wanted to go home......DD denied this saying Nana had told her to say this

SIL is good, but childless & has a very full social life, so generally just not available on weekends but will gladly do a week night, but sadly doesn't work as DH has a very early start for work

So having been through it, I can TOTALLY understand your frustration, even though DH & I generally have a great relationship, I've even found myself on occasions a bit envious of out split up friends who share care of their kids 50/50, as they get whole weekends off but realised that the old adage of "you can't change others, you can only change your reaction to them" is very very true, you'll just wind yourself up trying & stewing on their inadequacies,

so don't waste your time & energy, it will get you nowhere....just set yourself up with a group of other Mums in the same boat, & swap sleepovers etc, your kids will love it, the other families are probably just as desperate as you, so you'll win all round :)

good luck :)

*DancingHippoOnAcid

My parents are the wartime generation, maybe that is why they are not so selfish! smile*

Dancing, I think maybe you are just very lucky, DDs GPs are all of the same generation.....& just as cr@p as the OP

Oh fruitful. I am with you. Mine come here and "watch" the kids, Dad gets his camera out and shoves it in their faces, like they are a show. He's a bit better now, not done it so much the last year or so, but we used to cringe. One time he was taking photos of DS kicking the ball round the garden, when DH could hold it back no more and said "Grandad, why don't you kick the ball with DS, he'd love it". And he did (for about 3 minutes) And DS did love it. A glimmer of hope.

Meanwhile, whilst they sit/watch/take photos/play on my computer I run around like a headless chicken. They CREATE work, they don't ease the workload. Even when the DC were tiny, it was exactly the same.

Oh, sorry, I forgot. Mum can load and unload a dishwasher VERY well. That is her contribution. Obviously it all helps, but that is a five minute job. I'd rather do the DW, she could be playing/reading/chatting with the DC instead.

Both of our lots of grandparents have been like this. All of their idea of "helping" is to come and observe us struggling with dc, while they are relaxing in a chair making the odd comment on badly brought up children or stressed out parents. They like to be serviced with endless cups of tea and lots of meals, while they perform this arduous task of critiquing our childcaring efforts.

We found if you expect nothing in terms of babysitting from grandparents, then you won't get disappointed about the lack of it. We tend to work up reciprocal babysitting arrangements with friends instead.

rockinhippy - I too am seen as the "coper". "Oh don't worry, AB will bounce back/cope/move on etc." If only they knew about all the therapy etc.

Whereas my fucking useless sister who needs her hand held to get out of bed in the morning (aged 35 ) has them at her beck and call. They will do anything for her, as she is incapable/too damned selfish and lazy to do it for herself. So because DH and I "can" and "do" and have made a life for us and our family, their view is that we have to manage/compromise etc etc. And I have been told that "that's just how it is". FFS.

minx you never know- things might change!

I had a massive row with my mum a few years ago about exactly this sort of thing- and others (remember one time just weeping and saying pleeeeease help- totally not in character- it's amazing what twins can do to a person )

anyway in the end I sort of dumped my mum. A few years on we're not only speaking again she's actually offering to take the dds for weekends- and when she does she invariably rings up half way through and says "oh we're having a lovely time- can they stay an extra night?"

it's lovely and I'm so grateful. The dds love it as well.

Also maybe- as someone said upthread- she'll help your sister and realise it might actually be fun?? you never know. Stranger things have happened

I think rockinhippy makes an important point: it is not so much about what GPs can offer as what you think they would like to offer.

In our case, my ILs were frail and elderly when dcs were born, so even though they were always happy to see us, it was not a case of being able to ask them for childminding. I think I have left dd with grandma once and that was when dd was old enough to be looking after grandma iyswim. But that doesn't signify. The important thing is that they cared and wanted to be involved. And a 5 minute chat over the phone can be as much support as hours of childminding, if offered in the right spirit.

My parents live abroad, so again the practical possibilities are limited. (though we do stay with them in the summer, which is a biggie!) I know they would (and have in the past) drop everything and come in a real emergency, but it is a pretty major thing to ask, so you don't do it for anything that might have cleared up before they even got their plane tickets through. Also, as they get older and more frail, I am more concerned with protecting them from colds and flus and and tummy bugs than about getting us through the day.

But again, it's more about moral support. Knowing that I have family whom I can ring for a comforting chat, even if there isn't much they can do on a practical basis. If you felt they had never been interested, it would be a different thing.

rockin - yes, I am lucky I realise that. The comment about being the wartime generation was a bit flippant as I know being in your 70s does not necessarily make you a nice person

I do feel that if someone has had help from their own parents with their Dcs they would have to be deeply selfish people to not do the same with their own GCs. They know the deal and are actively deciding to opt out.

If the GPs never got any help from their parents they may just assume that is how things are and maybe have some excuse. But not much. After all, this is about helping your kids (albeit grown up) when they need you - isn't that part of being a parent?