My parents won't have dcs at theirs for the night as "too much" but will come to stay at ours with my sister to look after them AND stay over WTF!!!

[minxofmancunia]

My parents love seeing our dcs AS LONG AS WE'RE THERE. they pester me like hell to go and stay in their rural backwater cheshire hamlet so we can see them. They've never offered NOT ONCE to have dcs without us there. When we're there they don't offer to get up with them for an hour do the bath, nothing. They babysit ocassionally in the evening once the dcs are in bed.

My sister is looking after both of them this weekend at ours from Saturday 1pm to sunday 3pm, she has no dcs but is great with them. My best friend was supposed to be helping out (it's mine and dhs 5 year wedding anniversary) but she's had to go away with work. I've arranged for some other friends to go round to help. However my sister has managed to get my parents not only to come and help with bed time but to stay over to help her, in our house.

I just feel like saying "why the f*k won't you just have them at yours, just once in 4 f*king years to give us a break??, but when she (sister) asks you'll STAY????"

My Mum has never stayed in any of my houses, even after dd was born and i had severe PND. She had flute lessons to go to etc. Choirs to sing in. When me and Dh nearly split and I begged for just one night off she refused, "we're too busy darling". When i was 19 and ended up on anti depressants at university age 19 she didn't want to come and see me. I just stayed in bed, failed my year and cried for months. My dad came eventually and packed me up and brought me home.

I know I sound spoilt and undeserving esp as they're helping look after my dcs for the night. But I'm f**king aghast!!

everytime friends of ours have a bit of time out (and some have a lot) it hurts a bit, but it's really begun to get to me recently. she said Dh shouldn't have asked my sister as it was "too much" for her but we're desperate, i'll admit it, and sister seemed happy to do the night. We just wanted the night off.

BTW when I was pg with dd both sides of Gps offered the world. 4 years down the line the reverse is true.

Sunnydelight speaks sense. However, that doesn't make it any easier to accept as there is a level of rejection going on also re helping you as their daughter and interest in their grandchildren. I wonder if that is what is causing the 'crap and shit' aspect, not because you are YABU in terms of expecting things as your right.

It is tough and as someone in an identical situation the only thing I can offer is that accepting it is the best thing you can do - I take the view that they are missing out on their grandchildren ultimately. Also keep in mind the number of posts on here about interfering mothers/MILs - the upside of doing this yourselves is that you get to call all the shots about how your children are brought up. There is always a silver lining!

I have got to the point where I expect nothing and in that way I can't be disappointed anymore.

It is unreasonable to expect help, however that doesn't make it any easier to bare when your friends are having regular nights out (and even holidays among some of my friends) without their DC.

I'm in the same situation with my mum and don't anticipate being able to have a night away until my DDs are old enough to be left by themselves (they are 2.7 and 8 months). It's really really hard and is putting me off having the big family I originally wanted.

I really really sympathise with you, but I honestly don't think there's much you can do about it other than explain how you feel and hope your mum changes her mind.

Hi Minx,

They are missing out on their gc ultimately but I don't honestly think they see it like that at all. They are too far up themselves.

Like Evie I have now got to the point whereby I expect nothing from my parents. Its not at all easy and it has taken me years to get to this point. We have a relationship of sorts but it is very much a distance one.

You are not asking in any way for full time care for the children; just for either of them to show willing occasionally. For your Mum to say she is too "busy" is a complete cop out, she just does not want to help you at all as my Mum often does. She has also cited "too busy" (my mum is in good health but has no friends).

My parents are both selfish and self centered and run themselves half ragged looking after, infact enabling, my childfree and single brother. My mum cleans his house regularly, I have never received any such assistance (don't want her to do that). They never came to any sports day or the Christmas play at school (that's when I noticed it the most, that and on days out as a family with DH and DS). That does hurt particularly when I looked around and saw my friends with either on or both parents in attendance.

I would call your parents behaviour towards your sister enabling (buying her a property), It does not do them or her any good or favours at all. It gives your parents a false sense of control. There is an unhealthy dynamic going on her between them and your sister.

I am the "coper" within this family unit from whence I came, my brother is the "golden child" who can do no wrong. I realise now that I was trusted, well left actually, to get on with it from about the age of 14.

Hi Minx

Your mum in particular abjectedly let you down when you were 19 so further rejection now is like another kick when you're down.

Thank you Ninedragons - I have already decided that a long time ago!.

Minx :( I was pleased to read this thread and see no one had said "YABU to expect any help"...then they did. Sigh.
This isn't the usual story of "why won't my parents look after my DCs so I can have a night out?". If you consider yourself a family then you should be putting yourself out to help when needed - if your DC splits with a partner or is depressed I think is a fairly extreme example! I am lucky enough to have the opposite, parents and PILs that will cancel and rearrange to help with my DCs when DCs are ill or we are. That's how you should treat the people you love IMO.

I am going to agree with sunnydelight. We live a long way away from my parents (different continent) and neither me nor DH have been away without DD as a couple. Admittedly we chose this lifestyle, but wouldn't expect either my parents or DH's to help us out in the way you do.

Minx. My parents have watched my children, on their own, once in 6.5 years.
For two hours.
Whilst they were asleep.

That
Is
It

When they were babies, Mum used to say, "do you think they'd like a push in the pram" so I would be ooh, yes so then she would say "get your coat and shoes on then".

She would come with me, whilst i was pushing the pram, but would not even think to actually push the pram round the block without me next to her.

And the "we're too busy" thing happens too.
last year, when they were both in their first school christmas play together, I gave mum the two possible dates at least a month before. She put them in her diary. She phoned about a week before to say she now wasn't sure she could come because she was getting her nails done and she needed confirmation of the timing.

One play
One hour
One day.

A week has five days with 8 working hours in a day. So 40 hours to choose from. But her nails HAD to be done at the same time as DC's play, so she said. I had a word with Dad. She booked the nails for another day, but the thought that she is so inflexible that in her utterly non busy life (does sweet FA) she had to pick THAT hour.

She is an utterly selfish human being. Even my Dad says it, and he's been married to her for 43 years.

Your frustration I share. You are not alone. Have tons of other examples, but lack of sleep due to watching the miners if befuddling my brain.

What Sunnydelight said.

You chose to have children, it's your responsibility to care for them, not your parents'.

I'm with you Vall and Sunnydelight. We chose to have kids, it is naturally our responsibility. I utterly accept that, just a bit sad that my folks haven't been a bit more involved, since the opportunity was there. They don't live far away, and they aren't busy people.

However, it is fairly common for GP's to be a bit hands on in their GC's lives, but you are right. No assumptions can be made.

The upshot is that if they decided to get more involved, it would be on my terms entirely.

I think expecting unlimited babysitting and weekends away etc is not on

But a few hours of help when you are pregnant with swine flu and struggling to also look after a toddler is a reasonable expectation if your mum lives near you and is in good health?

I think you are not the only one in this boat, we have no grandparents to ask anymore. I asked my sister in February to have mine for 2 nights in November, she forgot, tried to book herself a holiday in that week! She thought I had asked my neice. BTW I had her teenage daughter for a week last year, this was payback. I was a little miffed at this and her blase response. I have got no one but her to ask. I am always helping family out, one way or another, but don't feel I can ask anyone for a favour.

I feel for you but they are your responsibility at the end of the day. Yes, a lot of people get help, they are very lucky!

I do agree with what Sunnydelight and Vallhalloween said to a degree, but I know, from my own experience how difficult it is when you get so little help.

My mum and dad are fantastic, will spend hours with DD (3.1) - SO LONG AS I AM THERE! They do think the world of DD and dote on her, but are extremely reluctant to actually help on a more practical level. I had a mc in January and was rushed to hospital as I was haemorraging, Mum and dad took DD and DH had come with me to hospital. DH had to leave an hour after I was admitted though, as I got a phonecall saying 'DD is crying and wants her mummy or daddy, oh and we would like to go and get some dinner...' So I was left all alone in Gynae, having an awful mc, because my mum and dad wanted dinner!

I won't even get started on MIL, but suffice to say she has never had DD alone for any period of time and never offered either!

Some friends of ours go out weekly, their parents are happy to look after their GC's and, whilst I do feel a pang of jealousy sometimes, I do still appreciate the other things my parents do for me.

I don't buy the 'children are your responsibility' line one bit for two reasons:

1. When we decide to have children, it is in the knowledge that they may also have children one day. The continuing responsibility as a parent doesn't magically cease at 18 or when your GCs arrive. There is a continuing duty to help your children (within reasonable limits, and depending on the circumstances).

2. As someone else said, what goes around, comes around. If the GPs are ill or in financial trouble, they will expect help from their DCs. It is reasonable to expect the opposite also. That's what being a family is about, surely? Balancing rights and responsibilities.

OP, YANBU. So sorry that your parents are not supportive.

I think you just have to accept people for how they are, then decide if you can put up with them or not. Otherwise an awful lot of pointless emotional energy is wasted on wishing things were otherwise.

midlandsmum - can I suggest that you actively make the offer of babysitting just in case your DD does not want to ask? Make it clear that you are RARING to spend time with GCs.

I sometimes feel a bit awkward about asking my DM for help with kids in case I seem to be taking the piss. She is always very happy to help, though, it is just me being sensitive

YANBU. I've only read the first few posts but I can't believe your mum thinks she has been supportive. Complete bloody opposite!

I wouldn't go and visit them tbh. If they want to see their DGC, they can come to you. Unfortunately, since I had DS, I have realised that GPs are not always that great. Mine are and have DS anytime (I don't ask too much, don't want to take the piss) but DH's mother and step dad don't do much. They will have DS for the odd Sunday afternoon a couple times a year (they don't live far either). I am due with DC2 soon and they haven't offered to help out in anyway with DS, or see what our arrangements are. MIL is a damn sight younger and fitter than my nan but my nan can't do enough for us.

How many DCs do you have where its 'too much' for anyone to cope with? If its been 4 years I can't see that you have that many children.

midlands dont wait to be asked, please offer. Your dd/ds could well be waiting for you to offer as you both work ft they might not want to ask.

OP, I know completely how you feel.

Oh, and I agree that it is not unreasonable to expect a bit of help from your parents when you are in a bad place, after all DCs are for life not just for Christmas!

I know that my parents would move heaven and earth to help me if I am having a difficult time ( and have done on several occasions). I just know I can always rely on them no matter what age I am. I think it is very for those who do not have this.

Not talking about just dumping responsibility for your kids on your parents just because you are lazy. I am talking about being able to rely on your family in times of trouble.

In my family we all help each other when we have problems. Life is so much nicer that way.

Your Mum does sound a bit crap and, hard to accept though it is, you have to stop having expectations of her that she won't meet. Yes, Grandparents should want to spend time with grandchildren but sometimes they don't or can't. That's the way it is sometimes.

The sooner you realise that you can't rely on anybody and whatever help you get is a welcome bonus the less resentful you'll be. That's how I deal with stuff anyway. Apart from the odd moment when I want to lie and kick my legs in the air shouting 'It's not fair!!!' at the world obviously.

Hello,

I had something similar with my Parents; but found out that my mum had had PND, and that she could not deal with me having it. She pretended it did not happen to me. I see it may have been too painful for her.

Also, my parents were nervous about babysitting when DC were babies and tots, but now they are biger they are happy to. Esp. my dad, who can cope well with an 8 year old, but less so with a 2 yr old..

Don`t give up on them, they may still grow into their role.

Chandon - unfortunately Ops parents have a long history of being unsupportive right back to when she was a teenager before she had DCs.

Can't say I am optimistic that they will chane as their GCs get older.

It is their loss, they will have no relationship with their GCs.

My own GF never came to any of our birthday parties, just gropped my GM off at our house and came back later. When we went to stay at their house. My GM was lovely and fussed over us but he never even spoke to us. Never. Not once.

Have not seen him in years, he has never seen my DCs and I will NOT be going to the funeral when he finally pops his clogs.

My DM tells me he was exactly the same with her when she was small.

Some people are just poison and unfortunately sometimes we are related to them.

dropped, not gropped!

Hi Thanks for all your comments, i'll try to take them on board. I do wish they'd be a bit more supportive, that isn't going to change. And we are the ONLY couple we know who don't have the ocassional overnight/weekend away. I've stoped talking about it now as I'm sick of the "OMG!" faces whenI say they don't help. I don't expect it all the time at the weekends by any means but when we were having a really really rough time we could have done with a bit of support.

when my insomnia was so bad I hadn't slept for a week and was hallucinating I could have done with a couple of hours to have a nap.

I will never do this to dd. I'll make sure I'm there for her when she has dcs. Move in to help after the birth, look after her other dcs when she's in labour and after the birth so she's not left alone in hosp for ages cos her dp is with the other children/child. Try to give up a weekend every couple of months so her and her partner can have some time together. because I love her and I want to support her and I want to be with my gcs.

Hopefully I won't be an interfering intrusive old bag! Hopefully she'll be able to tell me!

I think you need to lower your expectations of your parents. They clearly aren't capable of meeting your needs or helping you out and this is probably not going to change. If you keep hoping things will be different or try and tackle it you will probably end up being disappointed over and over again. At least your sister is helping, but perhaps you need to cultivate some good friends and babysitters so you can have time with your DH, even if just an evening once a month rather than a weekend away.