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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be saddened by a three week old baby in full time childcare?

561 replies

lilystyles · 11/10/2010 14:36

At a local toddler group last week there was a childminder who I'm friendly with, she had with her a new child, a baby of 3 weeks who's mother had gone back to work full-time in teh pub she and her husband own. I am not judging this woman, it's her choice but I couldn't help but feel sad at the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
lilystyles · 11/10/2010 21:52

thesecondcoming - after reviewing this thread I'm really not surprised people don't post how they genuinly feel [shocked] I can see why!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
lilystyles · 11/10/2010 21:52

That was meant to be Shock not [shocked]

OP posts:
auntloretta · 11/10/2010 22:00

YABU

pinksancerre · 11/10/2010 22:03

I haven't read the whole thread but wanted to say I went back to work when my DS was 6 weeks. It was an unfortunate scenario where I was a SAHM with dd (3), dh was made redundant when I was 8 months pg.

I was and still am a trained nurse so found a job otherwise we would have lost our house etc. DH was going to be SAHD, then he secured a job too - hence ds to childminder 25hrs a week

It wasn't ideal ,but it wasn't a disaster, and neither of my dc have any idea how old they were when they went to childcare, in fact ds doesn't remember his childminder!!! (he left when he was 2.5yrs)

SpeedyGonzalez · 11/10/2010 22:06

YANBU. It's very sad indeed.

I actually consider us lucky that we were both made redundant before DS's first birthday. We have often struggled financially ever since, but it made us reassess the way we lived and we discovered that despite not earning massively we could afford to have me at home by changing the way we lived. I'm sure that had we still kept our jobs I'd have gone back to full-time work after a year.

I think often unless you're forced into a dramatic life change you don't necessarily explore all the options which are genuinely available to you.

FingandJeffing · 11/10/2010 22:08

pinksancerre

kudos, to you, you were just doing what needed to be done, someone has to put bread on the table.

We are all trying to do the best we can sometimes in difficult circs.

stickylittlefingers · 11/10/2010 22:08

lily - isn't MN a funny place? - I know what you mean. I remember looking for childcare for dd1 and seeing lots of nurseries who said that they would take babies from 6 weeks old. And I thought - I hope there aren't too many people who feel forced to use childcare from that age. not because I was judging them for using childcare (I was looking for childcare myself), but because most people, having had a baby, would like to spend some time with that baby. That goes for Dads as well as Mums. I have worked full time, outside the home, in a very hours-heavy job before and after having children. Doesn't stop me being sad that I can't spend more time with my dc. Doesn't make me judgey - I know why I'm working, I can understand why others may choose or have to.

I don't think you were unreasonable to ask the question! I do think it's something we have to stop and think about, to make sure we're not making people miserable.

SpeedyGonzalez · 11/10/2010 22:11

Just to say, pinksancerre - I didn't actually read your post before I posted (ahem - the old 'read the first 10 posts' cardinal MN sin) so hope it doesn't look like I'm responding to what you said wrt redundancy, etc.

auntloretta · 11/10/2010 22:14

pink...but Opinion may have it that this poor poor child of yours will be emotionaly scard for this terrible terrible thing you put him through as a tiny baby..

who knows what why and how this woman was lead to make the choice to leave her baby with well trained proffessional who has been vetted my the local authority to provide such a valuable service.

would it make a difference if she was heading a mullti million corp and not just a pub? who knows how long this child is with the child minder for and what difference does that make anyway

Dracschick · 11/10/2010 22:14

Just to play devils advocate.

What if this Mum wasnt partcularly maternal?

What if heaven forbid she enjoys her job?

What if the position she and her partner hold is inclusive of accomodation and they have debts?

She could easily have kept the baby with her in the pub prop fed it a bottle of cow and gate and kept it on the bar for all the customers to see and whheeze their gin foddered breath on.

So in the absence of ability either physical or emotional to care for her baby during the day she has paid a professional to do it.

Whats wrong with that?

Her baby her choice- its only sad if it isnt what she wants to do.

pinksancerre · 11/10/2010 22:16

Smile no didn't think that - we could manage on one wage, just not no wages!

Thanks fingandjeffing

Dracschick · 11/10/2010 22:18

I also need to say as a nursery nurse ive looked after many children of varying ages and I can honestly say ive loved each and every one of them as much as I would love my own.

SpeedyGonzalez · 11/10/2010 22:19

auntloretta: "would it make a difference if she was heading a mullti million corp and not just a pub?"

Nope. Sad. As it was with that French minister.

merrywidow · 11/10/2010 22:25

I'm self employed; I took six days off with DD ( admitedly had the luxury of taking her to work for the first year ). With DS took three weeks off and then worked three days a week shorter hours.

I had no choice - H wanted my contribution to household and business had to be run. If I don't work - I don't get paid

SpeedyGonzalez · 11/10/2010 22:28

Merry, it's definitely harder as a freelancer - though did you not qualify for maternity benefit? It's not huge, but it's better than nowt. About £500 a month, I think.

SanctiMoanyArse · 11/10/2010 22:30

And it's not even just the employed- I wasn't eligible to defer uni so I sat finals with a 5 weeker outside with DH awaiting his feed, and he spent his first three months on my lap whilst I typed a dissertation.

Not left no, but very little cosy mother and baby time either.

It's just reality.

mumeeee · 11/10/2010 22:43

YANBU. I was still verytired and woulf not have ben fir to work when my babies were 3 weeks old.

auntloretta · 11/10/2010 22:46

but mumeee thats just your own experience that is not the same for everyone, i know i was not tired at all.

huddspur · 11/10/2010 23:11

Although spending time with your baby would be nice, you've got to bear in mind that the bills need to be paid to provide for that baby and for many if you don't work then you don't have any income.

Xenia · 11/10/2010 23:36

How very sexist. I went back in 2 weeks from choice because it can be better for babies and families as they get used to a routine rather than traumatised by a mother returning at 6 or 8 months. We should salute these women standard bearers as our heroines. We don't criticise men in the same way. I will not believe we are even getting close to ridding the UK of sexism until it is as much likely a man as a woman will be criticised for working.

SpeedyGonzalez · 12/10/2010 01:23

Xenia, are you saying that a consistent routine is more important to a baby's well-being and happiness than having their adoring parent lavish their time upon them?

Re sexism, I was impressed by Cameron taking paternity leave, and saddened when his predecessors did not.

Frankly, I don't care who does the childrearing, man or woman. But when we have a choice and we choose for other people to look after our babies when they're so little...yes, I think that's very sad. And you may flame me for saying so, but I think that gives our children second best.

I'd also say that much as I'd love to see a more equal sharing of the childcare responsibilities, there aren't many men I know who I think could do the job as well as their female partners. I strongly suspect this is down to nurture, not nature. Which should give pause to those of is bringing up boys, as well as society as a whole.

Dracschick · 12/10/2010 06:55

But Speedy Im not second best.

Im very well qualified and can nurture your dc professionally......so much so that when ds1 was 8 weeks old I was also nannying the paeds baby daughter too part time.

Babies really dont care who looks after them so long as its consistent good care,even years ago the extended family would care for a newborn dc.

The sad fact in all of this is money and or choice.

But please dont belittle my profession.

(it is a group 'my' not just me there are many fabulous nanies,nursery nurses and cms out there)

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/10/2010 07:11

exactly what i said Dracschick - a tiny baby wont care who feeds/loves/changes/plays with them as long as SOMEONE does

i have worked for non maternal employers who love their jobs before, doesnt make them a bad parents - if anything makes them better parents as they know they cant handle tiny babies and find a childcarer that suits them who will

mathanxiety · 12/10/2010 07:29

If she lived in the US this wouldn't make anyone bat an eyelid. There's no maternity pay, just six weeks unpaid leave for most jobs. And if you're on a career track you'd better get over yourself pdq and haul your arse back to your desk. I knew a lawyer who took her baby back to work a week after a CS, and then put him in daycare when he was four weeks old. Not unusual. Sounds like heaven on earth, eh Xenia?

twilight3 · 12/10/2010 07:34

I find it difficult to understand people who say that it physically hurt them to be away from their children. I couldn't wait for my first night out after I had given birth to my first. She was 12 days old, 12 veeeryy looong ays and nights (and i was still in a wheelchair) but I was out of that door before the nanny had a chance to get in. We went to the park, watched a movie, had dinner and was away for about 6 hours. I loved it.
The nanny was pleasantly surprised I had not called once, she said "not the neurotic type then, are you?". DD was absolutely fine.

I went back to work 4 weeks later out of choice, DD was 6 hours a day with a loving, caring person and I pursued the career I had so hard worked for. Did the same when DS came along and have no regrets. Plus a great relationship with my children and confidence in my self because I did what was right FOR ME AND MY FAMILY.

DH was back to work a week after kids were born. No one questioned him.

As for parents spending time with their newborn, depends on the situation. Is the parent maybe working from home? Studying?

When my SIL had her twins there were in the house a 3yo and a 20 motnh old to look after. So she bought two battery operated swings for the twins, fed them and put them back there to sleep. Sometimes they'd on the floor on their own looking at their hands. So, no, there was no time with a loving parent to "lavish" them in attention and play "this little piggie"with them. They looked absolutely content. I wasn't critical or "saddened". She did what she had to do, what she and her DH thought best for their family. The children were safe and happy.

So, YABU OP, don't feel sorry for this little baby, he/she probably has a set of loving parents who are confident enough in their parenting to allow a trained professional look after their child while they keep a roof over their heads/ choose to work because they enjoy it.