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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be saddened by a three week old baby in full time childcare?

561 replies

lilystyles · 11/10/2010 14:36

At a local toddler group last week there was a childminder who I'm friendly with, she had with her a new child, a baby of 3 weeks who's mother had gone back to work full-time in teh pub she and her husband own. I am not judging this woman, it's her choice but I couldn't help but feel sad at the situation.

OP posts:
owlicecream · 14/10/2010 20:50

"There are more housewives who aren't that well educated compared to women with careers". Nonsense. Men and women tend to marry their intellectual equals (read Freakonomics!) - round here (leafy SW London) most mothers I know seem to stay at home or work PT. They all have degrees, but their husbands can afford to support them (and pay the school fees if that floats your boat).

I don't think it is a sexist thread. If OP had said "this woman has returned to work after 3 weeks but her husband is home as full time carer" I think most of us are enlightened enough to think that was fine also. It is the outsourcing child raising that potentially upsets people, not the fact it's the mother returning to work rather than the father IMO.

Xenia · 14/10/2010 20:52

Glad I don't live tehre. It must be awful to be surrounded by women who are in such sexist arrangements and such a strange balance of power.

men outsource childcare to wives. no one batsd a finger. Feminist has hardly really started has it? Things still so unfair all round for women and men for that matter even amongst educated women in SW London apparently. How can they stand it? Or were they brought up to be happy little housewives living off male earnings?

Mumcentreplus · 14/10/2010 21:17

'How can they stand it?' maybe..possibly.. they want to..?? Hmm..why should any woman conform to any persons ideals??..more less society's (sp)...are you saying a woman who has made the choice to stay home should make her choices based on someone elses ideals more than her own?...why is this a comparison to men??

scottishmummy · 14/10/2010 21:25

just because many here wouldn't do doesn't make it wrong.Nor does it make them bad parents or warrant waves of sorrow

Francagoestohollywood · 14/10/2010 21:30

Is this still going on?
(I've been dreaming to write from the first moment I joined MN)
I still can't believe that people have problems with the existence of families where both members are in full time jobs.

Mumcentreplus · 14/10/2010 21:36

I dont think its wrong per ce..its just not for me..

frgr · 14/10/2010 21:38

"I don't think it is a sexist thread. If OP had said "this woman has returned to work after 3 weeks but her husband is home as full time carer" I think most of us are enlightened enough to think that was fine also. It is the outsourcing child raising that potentially upsets people, not the fact it's the mother returning to work rather than the father IMO."

Then why the bashing of the woman? Why not equally of the man too? If this isn't a sexist thread, where's all the condemnation of him? Many vocal people have made it clear here that they're judging the woman rather than the couple, that she would dare to go back to work and provide for her child in EXACTLY the same way as her husband, yet it's only her that a lot of the harsh comments are focusing on. Not her husband - who's just as "guilty" Hmm of the same behaviour.

thisiswhataluv · 14/10/2010 21:39

Shock and Sad at this

Tanith · 14/10/2010 21:43

I went back to work when DD was 2 weeks old.
I work as a childminder.

No Mat leave, no benefits (they screwed up my NI so I wasn't entitled) so I had to work.

I coped. DD survived. The World didn't end.

Nellykats · 14/10/2010 21:49

My mum went back to work when I was 5 days old, my grandma stayed with me. I have an amazing relationship with my mum, and she taught me to take care for myself and not rely on a man. Far too many women get left behind and wonder what happened to their lives.

Nellykats · 14/10/2010 21:50

This could be a competition in whose mum went back to work the earliest, the winner could be the one who was still a fetus.

JellyBellies · 14/10/2010 21:58

I don't understand the posters who seem to think that a man and women are completely interchangable when it comes to caring of a newborn.

I know this might not be very politically correct but men and women are different :) women can give birth, men can't. Women can breastfeed, men can't. When you give birth your body releases hormones so that you feel like nurturing/taking care of your baby. When a baby cries an enzyme is released in the mother's brain that makes you want to soothe him. This is how nature has made us.

So I don't thinnk that a father can give the exact same level of care as a mother and I think most of us instinctively recognise that. Please note, I am talking about a newborn not an older baby.

So Xenia, if you think that I am dull and boring because I took a year of maternity leave and only chose to go back part time -'i did what seemed right to me and very glad that I had of doing it :)

scottishmummy · 14/10/2010 22:00

or competition in who is most saddened and would never ever do such a thing.i imagine being publicans maybe they are self employed and may not have employer mat leave package

JellyBellies · 14/10/2010 22:00

The last setance should have been - Very glad I could choose to do it :)

Nellykats · 14/10/2010 22:03

JellyBellies, my DH seemed a lot more of a natural parent than me when our son was born. I had pnd whereas my DH positively glowed with fatherhood! Breastfeeding is the one and only thing a man can't do, in my opinion.

Nellykats · 14/10/2010 22:07

scottishmummy, I can assure you my mum is always there for me - she did do such a thing, albeit with my grandmother to be there rather than a CM

scruffymuff · 14/10/2010 22:07

Xenia- I feel sad that you feel so inferior that you have to prove your equality to men by belittling other women and denying your biological roots.

If men were meant to have equal role in the care of young babies then they would be made with breasts too.

Thankfully, women can now choose to work and can now formula feed their baby (or get someone else to do it)- but you can't deny that it is the woman's natural biological ability to feed their baby that has been crucial to survival. And most women still feel that need to nurture their children and be the carer- (even if they can't afford to).

You are unusual...

scruffymuff · 14/10/2010 22:07

Sorry- jellybabies- think I have repeated what you have said really- was composing mine while you posted Smile

Nellykats · 14/10/2010 22:09

Oh please lets not start with biological determinism, unless you had your first baby at 13 and have continued having one per year.

scottishmummy · 14/10/2010 22:10

nellykat i am not adressing you.what are you indignant about

i am noting the reaction to the op,the who is most sad vibe

Nellykats · 14/10/2010 22:13

I wasn't indignant scotishmummy Smile

I possibly understood you wrong, but wasn't pissed off in the least. Hope I didn't sound (read) angry.

The breastmilk / inferiority comments, yes those did get me a bit Hmm

EightiesChick · 14/10/2010 22:13

YANBU. That's all.

Nellykats · 14/10/2010 22:15

now I see what you meant; I definitely misunderstood it but wasn't indignant, I like that word by the way :)

scottishmummy · 14/10/2010 22:16

thanks for clarification

jellybeans · 14/10/2010 22:18

'I don't understand the posters who seem to think that a man and women are completely interchangable when it comes to caring of a newborn. '
I totally agree with you jellybellies.

In my opinion, life is short and often hard and difficult. Do what makes you happy, grab happiness while you can. If that is working then great. If that is staying home, great. If you don't have a choice, then you have to make the best of it, although i wish everyone had a choice; those who want to work but cannot afford it and those who want to stay home but cannot afford it.

I have both worked and stayed home and for now staying home is fantastic for me and the kids and DH. It's not so good for my pension or career but you can't have everything...For me, difficult life events and loss have made me evaluate what is important and to reject materialism and many modern day messages of what is important in life. Now I feel liberated to be able to make a choice that is positive for my family and I really don't care what others think, in fact the harsher they judge the more i wonder why and think they are probably insecure about their own choice as usually they insist all mothers should work. (Yet usually they say it would be OK for men to stay home!!) So it's their choice or nothing. But for me I think everyone should choose for themselves and I think most people secure in their choice of staying home or working are glad that others have a choice even if that choice is different. I think it is a teeny minority of working mums who wish everyone worked so that if the choice is wrong at least everyone is doing it?

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