Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

to suggest my single brother at least considers women with children....

103 replies

bigbossysister · 10/10/2010 10:02

whenhe is looking for a partner. He is 46. Own teeth, own hair, good job but never been married or even had a serious relationship that lasted beyond 6 months.

he has been internet dating for a couple of years and doing other stuff to try to make more friends. BUT he will not consider any woman who either has children or wants them.

We had a mini row last night as he met a woman when he was doing some outdoorsy stuff with a club and really liked her- BUT she has a 10 yr old son- so he "doesn't want to go there".!

I know it's up to him, but I can't help worry he will end up sad and alone as there simply aren't that many child-free, single women around in the 35-45 age group- and if there are, they often/usually want a child.

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 10/10/2010 10:05

It is down to him.

Goblinchild · 10/10/2010 10:05

Stop interfering, I know several bachelors in their 70s who have a thriving social life, clubs and hobbies.
What in God's name are you wishing on some poor offspring of a single parent?
A partner who tolerates them at best. You are being very blinkered.

AuntiePickleBottom · 10/10/2010 10:05

yabu, he doesn't want a father role.

there will be someone out there, infact in work there are about 6 40+ women will no desire to have any children.

ragged · 10/10/2010 10:08

OMG, do not suggest it. He doesn't want it, he is relatively old to try making that huge adjustment (all the people I know who were over 40 when they had their first child found it extremely hard adjustment). It's not right for him. If he's as lovely as you feel then he will find his own way.

5DollarShake · 10/10/2010 10:08

I understand your frustration, but he's the one who will end up alone because if it, and he's obviously decided that's a risk he is willing to take.

Either that or it will eventually dawn on him that in order not ti end up alone, he will need to compromise on that issue. However nobody but him will be able to convince him of that.

Original poster

bigbossysister · 10/10/2010 10:10

I am just looking for a range of opinions.
I have friends who say that if they meet a man he has to want them, and that their children are part of the package.

Goblin- he doesn't want to be a bachelor! he is so busy he never sits still, but he does want a partner and I just feel his thoughts about children are completely negative.

Add to this the fact that he has a "tick list" of what he wants in a woman, which is not your average woman, and I feel he is destined to live a lonely life.

OP posts:

ValentinCrimble · 10/10/2010 10:10

There are LOADS of women over 35 with no kids! Half of them are my mates!

prettyfly1 · 10/10/2010 10:11

Hell no I dont think he should think about it . He is an adult who can make his choices, however vulnerable children do NOT need a man in their lives who may not want to be there, isnt sure about them etc. Your brother is exactly right to stick to his guns and I think you should leave well alone.

Goblinchild · 10/10/2010 10:13

He wants the idea of a partner, but if he's not had a relationship beyond 6 months, he's not up for the reality of one.
Especially one with children attached.

Original poster

bigbossysister · 10/10/2010 10:13

Valentin- please tell them to go on Match then and search the north east!

OP posts:

violethill · 10/10/2010 10:18

Are you sure he really wants a permanent relationship? Maybe he makes it sound like that because he's feeling a bit pressured.

One thing's for sure - he's old enough to work this out for himself, and I really wouldn't get yourself involved.

You can't blame him for not wanting to take on someone else's kids - he's 46, used to doing things his way, why should he change that?

Maybe he'll meet someone, maybe he'll stay single,who knows, there's no guarantee he'd be happier in a relationship anyway

Icoulddoitbetter · 10/10/2010 10:22

Whether you want children in your life or not is a very big and very personal decision. CLearly he does not. He's being very honest in that he has no interest in children at all, and that is not what children of single mums need when they find a partner.
I'm sure he's very aware that he's narrowing his market, so to speak, when looking for a partner, but I think I applaud his honesty, and the fact that he is never going to put a woman in the awkward position of realising that her new relationship will never go anywhere as he doesn't want to take on a father role.

5DollarShake · 10/10/2010 10:22

I have a friend who has a very long and specific list. Thought he'd be single forever, but he's now engaged. The thing is, when he meets the right person, the list goes out the window.

TrillianAstra · 10/10/2010 10:26

If he's never had a relationship beyong 6 months at age 46 then I wouldn't date him! He can choose to consider women with children or not, but would they consider him?

mamatomany · 10/10/2010 10:28

I don't blame him at all, I was never prepared to be a step mother and therefore the best way not to fall in love with a father was not to date any.
Far better to be honest and upfront about it.

Original poster

bigbossysister · 10/10/2010 10:34

Trill- just out of interest why do you say that?

I appreciate all your comments- i can't intervine anyway really, as there is no way I can make him go out with women who have/want kids, I suppose I just wonder why he has such a negative attitude to them.

OP posts:

choccyp1g · 10/10/2010 10:38

At his age, he could find a woman with grown-up children. But he might not like it when the grandchildren start.

Really it's up to him. He won't be alone in his old age anyway, he'll have you and your DCs to leave his money to look after him.

Anniegetyourgun · 10/10/2010 10:40

You are not unreasonable at all to suggest that he considers women with children. You have now suggested it. Fine. Up to him whether he accepts or dismisses the suggestion though, and YAB not only U but a wee bit peculiar (imo) to have a row with him about it. It sounds like you love your brother and want him to be happy, but consider whether your ideas of what would make him happy actually do coincide with his. I have a very dear sister who has very strong ideas about what people ought to want. It's taken her years to realise that you just can't push people where they don't want to go, and I'm still not sure she quite grasps that it wouldn't necessarily make them happy if they did.

ps Single does not necessarily = sad.

Original poster

bigbossysister · 10/10/2010 10:45

Lol, we all know single does not = sad- he has been single for 46 years and has now decided after not really bothering about women, that he needs to make a bit of an effort to meet them.

I have told him that women of 45 might have grown up children anyway, but he doesn't want that even.

I do know it's up to him and I also know I can't change his mind...I just wanted to share this, especially amongst a community of mums!

OP posts:

violethill · 10/10/2010 10:46

Very good post Annie.

Some people do find it very hard to accept that we're all individuals, and what makes one person fulfilled and happy would be another person's nightmare.

I also applaud the brother's honesty. I wouldn't want to take on someone else's children. Love my own, but there are often many complications which come with parenting someone else's kids.

Better that he's upfront about it, than getting involved with a woman because he feels he 'ought' to and then letting her down at a later stage.

Elmarjerita · 10/10/2010 10:52

Its up to him but there must be loads of women around his age who had children young so they've now grown up and left home. If he doesn't want to play the father role he wouldn't have to

TrillianAstra · 10/10/2010 10:54

I think that if someone has reached the age of 46 and never had a relationship above 6 months you might be suspicious as to why. Is he afraid of commitment? Does he just ger bored? Does he bite his toenails while watching TV and therefore get dumped pretty quickly?

Basically, if you were looking for a long-term partner, you would be expecting him to change the habits of a lifetime, and if you have children then stability is extra important.

scottishmummy · 10/10/2010 10:57

hes adult with capacity,let him make own choices.and if he chooses not to be dad in have long term relationship well that is fair enough.at least he doesnt string women along pretending he wants long term relationship or to play dad

so you do need to butt out sister

Original poster

bigbossysister · 10/10/2010 11:00

TrillBasically, if you were looking for a long-term partner, you would be expecting him to change the habits of a lifetime, and if you have children then stability is extra important.

Why would he need to change anything if he met someone? I thought the whole point of being with someone was that they accepted you for what you are not what they want you to become.

He is single becuase he has not met the right person. End of.
Nothing to do with commitment phobia.

He does bite his toenails though- do you think that has anything to do with it?

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 10/10/2010 11:01

'I do know it's up to him and I also know I can't change his mind...I just wanted to share this, especially amongst a community of mums!'

Most mothers consider children and their emotional well-being as important, and would not want to date a man who didn't want children.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread