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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to suggest my single brother at least considers women with children....

103 replies

bigbossysister · 10/10/2010 10:02

whenhe is looking for a partner. He is 46. Own teeth, own hair, good job but never been married or even had a serious relationship that lasted beyond 6 months.

he has been internet dating for a couple of years and doing other stuff to try to make more friends. BUT he will not consider any woman who either has children or wants them.

We had a mini row last night as he met a woman when he was doing some outdoorsy stuff with a club and really liked her- BUT she has a 10 yr old son- so he "doesn't want to go there".!

I know it's up to him, but I can't help worry he will end up sad and alone as there simply aren't that many child-free, single women around in the 35-45 age group- and if there are, they often/usually want a child.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 10/10/2010 12:50

And you know, you can be married and happy and still wind up - SHOCK! HORROR! - alone and be perfectly happy in life. It's hardly the end of the world.

Marriage/partnership isn't for everyone, nor is having kids.

RedBlueRed · 10/10/2010 12:55

If he doesn't want to 'go there' with a woman with a child then it would be a bit shitty of him to start looking when he is just going to let her and her child down when it starts to get serious. He is being honest.

I think you should stay out of his love life, its really none of your business and trying to 'make' him fit a type he isn't will only end in tears.

Besides, I'll stick my neck out and speak on behalf of other single mums and say that we are not that desperate to date a man who clearly isn't willing to accept our children as part of the package.

salizchap · 10/10/2010 12:57

I second hecate. It is his choice to make. Sounds like he is picky about other things as well, which might be the real reason he hasn´t found the right person. Well, at least he isn´t settling for second best. It´s his life.

I would be very dubious about a man over the age of 35 who had never had a serious, long term relationship, however. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

ChaoticAngel · 10/10/2010 12:58

I never called your brother a dickhead Hmm I just pointed out that I would be questioning why he (or any man, not just your brother) hadn't had a relationship that lasted more than 6 months. Many women would which is could be why your brother is still single.

I too would like to applaud Hecate :)

RedBlueRed · 10/10/2010 12:58

Bit of a xpost there, Hecate's is more eloquent.

Bunbaker · 10/10/2010 13:07

"If he's never had a relationship beyong 6 months at age 46 then I wouldn't date him! He can choose to consider women with children or not, but would they consider him?"

I would also be very wary about dating a man who hasn't had at least one long term relationship by the age of 46.

Suda · 10/10/2010 13:08

In a way with 20 20 vision of hindsight I really cant blame him - stepfamilies can be so bloody hard work and complicated - and yes before I get flamed I know they can work beautifully and bring lots of joy etc etc - but if your brother would rather not have or take on children in the first place I think the outcome is more likely to be the former I'm afraid. There are probably women out there with older children about to fly the nest or already have maybe - that he could consider within the age group he is interested in - but even then even with grown up - non resident 'children' extended step families there can be issues.

I agree with expat - not everyones scene. Besides there are lots of so-called 'career women' or women who never have had or dont ever want children out there - I really dont think he has narrowed his field down as far as you seem to think.

Whilst its lovely that you care so much about your brother and want to see him happy - again agree with EXPAT - its not the be all and end all.

mayorquimby · 10/10/2010 13:19

nah leave him be. If it's a deal breaker for him then it's a deal breaker.
I could never date a woman with children.

Mumcentreplus · 10/10/2010 13:20

Its his call...I didn't want to date a man with children when I was single either..

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 10/10/2010 13:22

YABU to even consider suggseting to a grown man of 46 what he should do/not do regarding his love life.

Mumcentreplus · 10/10/2010 13:22

Plus you never know..people change and so do situations..let him live and try not to worry about it too much...

emptyshell · 10/10/2010 15:54

It's HIS business - not yours.

He doesn't want children, he's being very clear that he wants to stay away from that can of worms, doesn't want to be caught up with a woman who DOES want them and have to let her down further along the line - he's being more than fair to stay well away rather than get hopes up (and we've all seen women hoping that anti-child men will change their mind and where that particular saga tends to end - someone either has to give into something they're not happy with, or there's dumpage ahoy).

Just where the fuck do people get off thinking that anyone else's reproductive/child/not-child status is anyone's business but their own?!

I wouldn't want to date a single-dad. I wouldn't want the complications, I wouldn't want the ex-issue always sniffing around, I wouldn't want the emotional baggage.

So what if he ends up single? So what if he ends up with short term thangs - his business, not yours.

emptyshell · 10/10/2010 15:56

And another thing - why are you judging that all these women will suddenly become ticking biological timebombs and desperately want a child? (Indeed why are you assuming they actually CAN have a child?)

Newsflash - there are shockingly women out there who don't want kids, who don't have maternal urges and would rather have the strength to withstand the pressure of society than do a shite job bringing a not-very-wanted kid into the world.

I respect them for that. Apparently you don't.

rastababi · 10/10/2010 16:13

YABU, his choice and you should respect it.

A partner with children would be a deal breaker for me too. It's a personal choice. Been there and done it and it's not something I would ever consider again.

Feelingsensitive · 10/10/2010 16:14

YABU. Admire and respect him for being so sure of what he wants. Kids are a big enough commitment for a parent let alone the partner of that parent. I understand you thinking that being with someone is the key to happiness and you want him to be happy but I am sure there are loads of people who are very happy single.

Heracles · 10/10/2010 16:15

If he starts dating women with kids and really falls for one but still hasn't really developed a burning desire to be a dad then it's only going to lead to unhappiness somewhere down the line isn't it?

agedknees · 10/10/2010 16:22

Where does he live (have a 40 year old single little sister who has no kids).

unfitmother · 10/10/2010 16:26

YANBU to suggest it but leave it at that. It's up to him.

animula · 10/10/2010 16:31

I think you've posted here for opinions, and that's all they are; we haven't met your brother, so can only go on the (minimal) information you've given.

So, just to throw an opinion into the ring, I agree with Goblinchild.

Also, perhaps he likes the ones who leave? There are lots of women who are a bit like that; they like the chaps who play hard-to-get, and it's unfortunate, because often said chaps aren't playing at all; they're just not that interested. And I suppose there must be equal numbers of men like that too. It's a kind of fetish, really.

Fwiw, b-i-l is a bit like this. He's 45.

As Trillian said, by the time someone has reached the middle part of their life, something of a revealing narrative is demonstrated. The are standing with a path of actions, paved with the choices they have made, behind them. And each choice is, in a sense, who they are. so the path reveals who they are, rather than having to try and read signs of some secret, inner, "true" being, that life has forced into cruel obscurity.

Obviously, people do change. You hear stories about chaps suddenly settling down in their mid-years. But it would be a major change.

Agree, though, if he doesn't like the thought of children particularly much, it would be completely odd to start dating women with children, and would just result in some poor woman posting on here about the chap she's dating, and likes, who seems extremely un-bonded with her offspring.

Sassybeast · 10/10/2010 16:32

Blokes of that age without kids do not make good step parents. Trust me - I knows it Grin

Bonsoir · 10/10/2010 16:35

It sounds as if your brother wants a partner on his own terms. He can keep looking - if he has a long list of tick boxes you can be sure as sure that he'll never find anyone!

bigbossysister · 10/10/2010 16:35

OMG Emptyshell are you always as aggressive as this?!

I did say I wasn't coming back to this thread as i am tired of people saying stuff that is an assumption.

The reason it is my business is that he is family and we talk about it.

Is that allowed on MN?

I can hardly put the phone down on him ( we live 300 miles apart) and say it is none of my business when he a) tells me how he has been dumped, b) tells me that women can't read as he is often winked at etc by women with 4 kids, despite him saying he doesn't want that in his profile and c)asks for advice on how to handle a new relationship etc.

To throw the accusation back at you Emptyshell - what business is it of yours what I choose to talk about with my brother, and what I have concerns about?

He is quite capable of telling me to piss off himself, if he doesn't like what I say.

OP posts:
ColdComfortFarm · 10/10/2010 16:38

If a nearing-50 man has never had a relationship that lasts longer than six months, then it IS down to him! He picks the women he dates, and they dump him, so he's either doing something odd he doesn't talk to his sister about (!) or picking women who don't want relationships, or is not willing to put any effort into a relationship, or something. Men who really want relationships, who have reasonable health etc, get them. Men who have insane wish lists or always pick madwomen do so for their own reasons, and they may be reasons that even they don't understand or know about. But not wanting kids isn't a crime, especially at 46. A friend of mine has recently married at 45 to a woman of 50 with children in their twenties. They are very happy. He never wanted kids either.

expatinscotland · 10/10/2010 16:41

Look, being married or in a long-term partnership doesn't guarantee you'll never end up alone. It's not the end of the world and not everyone who is alone is 'sad'. Plenty of people on here in relationships who are utterly miserable and would probably be better off on their own, tbh.

I've got a couple of very dear friends in their 40s who have never been married or in a long-term relationship or even lived with someone else.

They're lovely people, they just don't want to be part of a couple and are perfectly well-adjusted with plenty of friends and busy lives, good jobs, etc.

I'd be pretty pissed off if my own sister started making suggestions about who I should entertain dating back when I was single, tbh.

I'd probably tell her to mind her own business.

animula · 10/10/2010 16:42

marieall frostrup in observer today on relationships and "tick-boxes" - you could pass that on to him.

I think that is where you're going in your advice to him, maybe -- a gentle nudge that wider horizons could bring more joy? Maybe?

But ...

I still think he's probably just being honest about the children thing. My dsis won't date men with children. And I think that's fair enough.

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