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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to suggest my single brother at least considers women with children....

103 replies

bigbossysister · 10/10/2010 10:02

whenhe is looking for a partner. He is 46. Own teeth, own hair, good job but never been married or even had a serious relationship that lasted beyond 6 months.

he has been internet dating for a couple of years and doing other stuff to try to make more friends. BUT he will not consider any woman who either has children or wants them.

We had a mini row last night as he met a woman when he was doing some outdoorsy stuff with a club and really liked her- BUT she has a 10 yr old son- so he "doesn't want to go there".!

I know it's up to him, but I can't help worry he will end up sad and alone as there simply aren't that many child-free, single women around in the 35-45 age group- and if there are, they often/usually want a child.

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 10/10/2010 11:03

Do you try and organise your friends' relationships as well, or just your brother?
I also wonder how over-involved you are going to be in your children's relationships.

TrillianAstra · 10/10/2010 11:06

The 'habit of a lifetime' I'm referring to is the habit of not sticking with anyone for more than 6 months. If in 46 years he has not met anyone that he wanted to stay with for longer than that then he must be bloody fussy.

Original poster
bigbossysister · 10/10/2010 11:10

Ouch Goblin- you are getting a bit out of order. How do you make that jump? I have gone out of my way to say that I posted here to hear Mums' opinions.

Trill you too are jumping to conclusions. Of the few women he has dated, he was dumped by the ones he really cared for. Won't go into details as it's his story.

Okay, thanks for your opinions- am off now as a couple of you are getting far too judgy, and making me say more than I really want to , just to defend him, and me.

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 10/10/2010 11:12

S'OK, I'll get my coat.

TrillianAstra · 10/10/2010 11:14

I'm not jumping to any conclusions, just airing worries/thoughts that will occur to other people.

ilovesooty · 10/10/2010 11:24

Seemingly he doesn't like children and doesn't want them to be part of his life - at least he's honest about not wanting to be involved in a family set up.

There are women around who don't want children and have never wanted them.

I think he should be allowed to get on with things his way, and I hope he finds the happiness and relationship he's searching for.

ValiumSingleton · 10/10/2010 11:27

I wouldn't want to go out with somebody who was so certain they didn't want to be with a woman with a child!

ValiumSingleton · 10/10/2010 11:29

There are men out there who take life as it comes, so that woman he liked (only for her ten year old son) she mgiht be with somebody else by now.

It's the fact that he can't even make an exception to his own rule even when he likes somebody that is quite sad. He's boxing himself in with his own rules.

Callisto · 10/10/2010 11:30

I think that it is none of your business. Why on earth should he want to take on someone else's children? I used to run a mile from blokes with children and I would have been very fucked off if anyone had presumed to judge me on it.

My brother is 40's and childless and that is how he likes it. I wouldn't dream of telling him what to do with his life.

HowsTheSerenity · 10/10/2010 11:30

There is nothing wrong with his decision. I am a 30 year old childless woman. I do not want a relationship with a man who has children. Selfish? Yes it is. But I want the first child in my life to be MY child (whether that is adoption etc that is a different story).

LynetteScavo · 10/10/2010 11:32

But there must be quite a few 45 year old women who has grown up (ish) children and don't want any more.

DirtyMartini · 10/10/2010 11:33

Have to admit if I met a 46 year old who had never had a relationship longer than 6 months, I too would probably think there must be a reason -- whether emotional immaturity or whatever.

Sorry, harsh but true. I think this could be a common reaction.

With a new guy, it's reassuring to know that they are capable of sustaining a relationship for a longish time.

ValiumSingleton · 10/10/2010 11:33

...... and I don't want a relationship (if it ever happens) with a man without children, as I just don't think a man without children could ever really get that I have to prioritise my children.

mrsruffallo · 10/10/2010 11:34

YABU
I wouldn't have dated a guy with children before I had my own and if DH and I ever split I wouldn't want someone with children.

SanctiMoanyArse · 10/10/2010 11:35

I have a similar BIL; he is not anti kids but his woman has to be a size 8 - 10, long blonde hair..... it's ridicluous. He's no oil painting btw. He had the most amazing potential partner for ages, clear chemistry, best mates etcd but she gave up becuase he couldn;t go there as she was apaprently too big at a size 14 Hmm (I am bigger than a 14, thank goodness I fell for the sensible drother!)

I eman, this man lives with his Mum; he won;t get what he wants. yet his miserable alone.

There's no pint trying toa rgue though: either he decides for himself or he is alone.

Vintagepommery · 10/10/2010 11:40

Hi bossybigsister,

I have a friend like this - really wants to settle down with someone but doesn't want to be involved with someone with children (although grown-up ones would be ok). On the one hand i think fair enough - he finds other people's kids hard work, on the other I think he's being too inflexible.

I think you can suggest he's being inflexible, but if he's unwilling to listen there's not much you can do.

pointydog · 10/10/2010 11:41

It's up to him. Leave him be. Reasonable decision.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 10/10/2010 11:43

YABVU. If he did what you suggested I would feel very sorry for the woman's kids, as I can't imagine he would be a very good stepfather, if he doesn't like children.

Not everyone wants kids, and I think you need to respect that and let him get on with it.

ChippingIn · 10/10/2010 12:07

BigBossySister - if you get this huffy, this quickly & easily - it's no wonder you argue with your brother - try listening & understanding what people are saying.

If a man is 46 & hasn't been in a long term relationship - of course it is going to make women wonder why - what's wrong with him?

& children - they aren't the be all and end all of happiness to everyone - he's allowed not to want them - his own or anyone else's.

ChaoticAngel · 10/10/2010 12:24

YABU I'm on a couple of dating websites and I don't want a man with children.

I have to agree with what Trillian has said. I would wonder if a man hasn't been in a relationship for more than 6 months is he capable of making the compromises that relationships sometimes require.

Original poster
bigbossysister · 10/10/2010 12:42

Look- all of those of you who are casting dispersions on my brother because I mentioned he has not had a long term relationship, just pipe down. Okay?

The reason he hasn't is that the women have dumped him because they were very independent, and in most cases, younger women, who didn't want commitment. He has been badly hurt a couple of times.

There is no one who is more stable, steady and caring- it's just that he hasn't met the right person.

I am not so dim that I cannot see how some of you will jump to conclusion that he is some kind of dickhead who can't commit, or he has two heads, or is a complete twat as far as relationships go, or whatever, but you are assuming without knowing either him or the facts.

OP posts:
Original poster
bigbossysister · 10/10/2010 12:44

oh- and finally- I never said he didn't like children- again you jump to conclusions. What he says is that he doesn't want another man's children, and all the baggage that could go with that. Different.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 10/10/2010 12:45

I admire him and think he is being honest and responsible.

Far too many men enter into relationships with women who have children and are then unable to deal with that - unable to treat those children how they deserve to be treated.

How often do we read threads on here about stepfathers who favour their biological children, or verbally abuse the step children, or pay for the biological children to go places / do things but not the step children or any one of a thousand other examples I have read here!

If a man cannot be 100% sure that he can take on another man's child and raise that child lovingly and fairly, then he should not under any circumstances enter into a relationship with a woman who has children.

Your brother is doing the right thing. There is nothing wrong with him for being unable to take on another man's child. It takes a special man to do that and do it properly and if your brother can't then I admire his honesty and his principles. By refusing to do it, he is actually acting in the best interests of those children. Good for him!

He is suffering for it. He may very well be lonely. But he is standing by what he feels, not entering into something that isn't right for him, just so he's not alone.

That takes strength and courage. It would be far easier for him to have a relationship and ignore / tolerate the kids. He won't do that. I think you should be proud of him for that.

expatinscotland · 10/10/2010 12:48

Applauds Hecate.

When I was single and in my 30s, a man with kids was a dealbreaker for me.

I didn't want to deal with a kid that wasn't mine because I didn't have the selflessness or patience to.

And it wouldn't have been fair to the man or the kid so I stuck to my guns.

Similarly, I've known women your brother's age who have grown children and they won't go out with a man who has young children because they don't want to go there again.

Fair play to them, too, for being honest and mature.

YABU.

ScaryFucker · 10/10/2010 12:49

aspersions not dispersions

< shuffles off >

oh, and I agree with Hecate

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