to suggest my single brother at least considers women with children....

[bigbossysister]

whenhe is looking for a partner. He is 46. Own teeth, own hair, good job but never been married or even had a serious relationship that lasted beyond 6 months.

he has been internet dating for a couple of years and doing other stuff to try to make more friends. BUT he will not consider any woman who either has children or wants them.

We had a mini row last night as he met a woman when he was doing some outdoorsy stuff with a club and really liked her- BUT she has a 10 yr old son- so he "doesn't want to go there".!

I know it's up to him, but I can't help worry he will end up sad and alone as there simply aren't that many child-free, single women around in the 35-45 age group- and if there are, they often/usually want a child.

Look - I have a little brother who is still single. However much I would like to see him in a relationship I would not be pushing him into something he didn't want because I thought it was in his best interest. He would tell me to fuck off and rightly so.

Your brother is an ADULT he can be a damn fussy as he wants about the women he wants to get involved with.

Hecate - well done you put much more eloquently what I was trying to say.

Stop being so defensive, BigBossySister - what the hell do you expect posting here in AIBU?

Your brother is lucky to have a sister who cares so much about him -, but you have GOT to let him live his own life, without him having to conform to what you think will make him happy!

BBS - I didn't think Emptyshell was being at all aggressive. I don't have children myself, though am very happily married, my brother is single and is looking for a nice partner, after a long relationship previously broke down (partly due to her stroppy teenagers). He is not interested in either having children or the complications of being a step father and I respect him for it. In fact,I have read countless threads on here about women who consistently and understandably put their children in front of their partner, and even if the children are growing up, they still come with a huge amount of investment, both financial and emotional. I think your brother is wise to steer clear.

I have masses of girl friends who are single, widowed and divorced who are childless/childfree - some of whom are dating, some of whom are not, but there is no shortage of gorgeous, intelligent women in their 40s and beyond who don't/can't have and don't want kids. My best friend is in her 40s, single and is beating them off with a stick.

It really is none of your business who he dates, although bringing a goat to a family get together could get interesting. It is our businesss to make comments,now that you have posted it on MN specifically asking for people's views, in particular AIBU? Answer - yes, very.

And finally, I can say that being single is not a recipe for being sad and alone - far from it. The two most sociable people I know are my 94 old widowed great aunt (no kids) - I am constantly amazed by her exhausting social schedule and the entire family fights over who will have her for Christmas, and my 75 year old friend, divorced with grown up kids living miles away but with a network of friends that are amazing.

Bigbossy, if you don't mind my saying so, you are a little illogical in your ideas here:

otoh you say that your brother shouldn't have to make any changes because a woman who loved him would accept him as he is

otoh you are trying to persuade him to take on a relationship that involves stepchildren

surely for a bloke who has been childless until he is 46, that would involve some pretty big changes?

anyone who has a child has to change the person they are, but imho someone who takes on stepchildren has to make far more drastic, and far quicker changes

that is one massive commitment from someone who is not keen on children

or do you think he could have a permanent relationship with the woman without having to morph into a stepfather?

I ran a mile from men with children when I was single and in my 30s.

I'd ask them if they had any kids before I ever asked if they were divorced or separated.

There was just no way I was going to go there.

Is he my mate mark?

I'm girding my loins to post this!!

I'm a single parent. I am 40 and I have 4 kids. All from the same marriage - two grown up, two not.

I am astounded that single blokes with no kids are interested in me.

And the couple I have dated (with one notable exception) didn't ever get that my kids come first last and always - the best any man will ever be on my list is no 6 - kids, then dog, then new man

In my head I had a list. And that list included age and no kids still at home. Because I have enough issues with my own and I wouldn't want to take on anyone elses, and I would worry myself sick that their kids would feel second best to mine if I was living with their dad.

But life doesn't always work out the way you plan it.

If the right woman is out there for your brother, when he meets her, the "list" will go flying out the window.

Trust me.

I knows.

Sorry, but, if a guy had kids and was interested in me when I was single, he wasn't the right person for me.

No list went flying out the window because I didn't even go there. I would end things immediately no matter how much I liked him, chemistry, etc.

Because it was a dealbreaker for me.

If the brother's the age he is without having compromised what's a dealbreaker to him, it's not likely to happen.

So what?

I dumped guys with small cocks, too.

A dealbreaker's a dealbreaker.

If dh left me and foster dd went somewhere else and I was back on the market again I wouldn't go out with someone who had kids.

I don't like children much and wouldn't want to raise another or be a step parent. Not friggin' interested in any way.

and?

He might want to have a partner but obviously he doesn't want that more than he wants to avoid someone with children. I'm sure he realises that this puts him at a big disadvantage and may mean he never meets anyone but I guess thats what his priority is.

Saying that a friend of mine in her mid 30s said she would never date anyone who was divorced or had kids. She's now married to a divorcee and has a 10 year old step son.

just in case any step-children are reading this. I love my dss and glad I chose a man with kids.

but I wanted to have children in my life, and even then it was hard work.

Oh, I didn't mind divorced people, being divorced myself.

But the second I found out they had kids I was gone.

And now, yeah, if DH left or died, I couldn't be arsed with anything but fuck buddies to use and cruise.

When i was internet dating I wasn't interested in blokes with kids. His choice.

All the men I did meet were always whinging about the fact the sites were full of single mothers all looking for 'dads' for their kids.

I used to run a mile from men like that when i was single..(attractive, charming...no ability to commit - dealbreaker for me!) i'd be running twice as fast now i have kids...

YNBU to suggest it, but if he listened i don't think you'd be doing any single mum a huge favour (unless she was after meaningless sex).

expat - 'dumped men with small cocks'

TBH, at his age, he is going to start meeting a lot of single women with only grown up children. This quandry of yours (not his, really) usually only applies if he insists that any potential partner be at least 5 years younger than himself. Whereas, if he's willing to go up to 10 years older, he's opening himself to a much bigger pool of potential lovers.

My mom at age 51 had a fling with a 35yo man; they remained close friends afterwards, too.

Edgar I don't know which thread you have been reading, but it certainly aint this one- to come up with that comment!
It's very unkind of you.

My brother is not the "charming, attractive, no commitment phobe" you imply.

Since he started internet dating 2-3 years back he has had roughly 3 relationships with very independent younger women,( mid-late 30s, all with careers and own houses etc) all long distance as it turned out.

He def. loved one of them but after several months she dropped him saying he was a great bloke, very kind, too nice, but no chemistry.
Why it took her all that time- and a holiday together- to find that out, I don't know.

It's a long, long story, but the basic truth is that he wasn't that interested when he was in his 20s, by his 30s he was meeting very few people through work or his social life- all his mates married and his interests are very "male", and it was only whenhe got to 40 ish that he woke up to the fact that somehow he had ot try to meet women in ways other than than what he was doing.

He has actually never dumped anyone. he has got some female friends now through internet dating, but he has become pretty cheesed off with the whole scene in some ways as ..there are some women out there looking for dads for their kids, they contact him despite his profile saying no kids, some women say no kids then once they meet up the admit they are broody, really, but mostly the women he is attracted to seem not to want any commitment or a relationship, even though they are on Match.

So, I hope this makes the picture clearer. He is not a Don Juan by any stretch of the imagination.

I amnot going to post any more on this- I wanted to get a feel for what you thought but as per usual, some of you jump to conclusions which I feel I need to defend, on his behalf, and the whole thing gets out of propertion .

At best, I had thought some of you might say he should be more open minded.

I also said right at the start that it was his choice- read my 1st post.

And for those of you who have said it is none of my business, well, I disagree. We are a close family and he has made it my business by talking it over with me.

That is not to say that I am trying to force him to do what I want- which is what some of you seem to think!

I think he's sensible. Look at all the posts on here by irritating step-mothers and inadequate step-fathers. If he doesn't want kids, taking someone else's on is probably going to work.

Oop! 'irritated step-mothers' not irritating

As I said, I am signing out now.

Won't be reading but do carry on if you want to.

Good for him, why should he settle if he doesn't want to?

Much better than seeing a single Mum and not really wanting her kids around.

Also agree with expat if I found myself single now, I would just be looking for a booty call.

Might move in with some other women or something, but I just could not be arsed with another man.

I love DH but he is just such a bloody man.

bigbossysister,posters dont need your permission to continue posting.by opining on aibu and an open forum you made this everyone business

and he sounds eminently sensible by knowing his preferences and sticking to them,instead of buckling to pressure to get coupled up

I think BigB may have a point though.

There's a world of difference between a mum with toddlers,or one child vs 3 children or one with a grown up.
I have 2 friends who's partner has died so there would be no issues with ex's in terms of child rearing as one other poster suggested.
Ruling out 50% of women is optimistic at his age.

Having said that no relationships that lasted more than 6 months is just wrong at 46.Even a bad relationship says that you were prepared to make it work. If he keeps getting dumped (early on)then he clearly is not choosing well..so his ideas about single mums might well be up for discussion.

what happens to us in life is part accident, part choice. if the same accidents keep happening to us, they start to look like choice. not having been in a long term relationship by 46 = looking greatly like choice to me, whether conscious or otherwise.

i always think in the case of my single brother, that it is because he can't find women that match the high standard set by his female relatives....

mind you he has had longer relationships than that, and is much younger than 46.....my single brother would not consider a single mum. don't blame him for not wanting the hassle. even though i could be placed in the single mum slot myself, i'd be fool to deny it would complicate things.

OP's brother sounds sensible. He does not have to stick to the 35-45 age group however. He can go younger.

I'm very sorry that you didn't hear what you wanted to hear.

You came on here to tell us about him so that we could back you up because you are so very convinced you are right, but instead we see the wisdom of a man not taking on a committment that he knows he personally is not suited for, and we applauded him for it.

I don't know whether or not it was your plan to take the thread to him and say "Look, others agree with me" or whether you just wanted back up privatly, but I'm sorry it didn't work out how you wanted.

However, you throw at us that we should be open minded - yet you have refused to acknowledge that maybe it is you who is wrong here - you don't get much more closed minded than that!

And I realise you won't reply but I don't believe for a second that you're actually not reading this!