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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is a strange thing for a teacher to say to a five year old?

106 replies

hellymelly · 09/10/2010 22:17

quite long,sorry,but need to give the background-DD had a horrible Summer hol worrying about going back to school,as on the induction day for her new year one class,she took a dislike to the teacher and spent the whole holiday upset and scared about going back to school.Thanks to the (lovely) head we had a meeting between DD and the new teacher the day before school started,the teacher was lovely to DD and all seemed resolved, certainly DD from then on has been very happy with her teacher,but otherwise generally upset in the class and crying in the mornings,crying at bedtimes and weekends etc.We had another meeting with the head,and her form teacher,and they have helped with some of the things that DD was getting most stressed about (lunchtimes etc).However,we have held off mentioning to the head that DD doesn't like the assistant teacher,who she says is very "grumpy"and is quite scared of.(I did mention it briefly to her teacher)We hoped that as they got to know each other better DD would not mind her so much,but on several occasions she seems quite bullying and unkind towards DD,and to some of the other children,(many of whom seem to feel the same as DD about her).Anyway we were in with the head yesterday at end of day,talking over the progress and planning how to continue,the meeting ran slightly over picking up time,and when I realised I went straight to DD's class.She was sitting on the floor on her own looking very upset,(the AT and a helper in the room)I assumed it was because she had been waiting for us to pick her up, but when we got home she said "Mrs X told me that I shouldn't be crying (she wanted to come to me)she said I am lucky to have a Mummy and a Daddy,and that she hasn't got a Mummy and Daddy.I asked her why not,and she said that they had died a long time ago".DD took this to mean that they had died when Mrs X was a little girl,(I have no idea when they died.Mrs X is in her 30's I would say)and she was very upset.She said that maybe that was why Mrs X is so grumpy,and she also seemed worried that someones Mummy and Daddy could die.Is this not a really strange thing to say to a five year old? We have had a few better days with DD recently and her teacher and the head have been really trying to help her settle into full time school,but now this!What do you think,and what would you do?

OP posts:

LacyLeggins · 09/10/2010 22:20

hmmmm this is a odd thing to say to a five year old tbh!

ReneRusso · 09/10/2010 22:22

AIBU to think that's a really long paragraph to read after a couple of glasses of wine

Grumpla · 09/10/2010 22:23

YANBU! That's a really weird thing to say to a five year old...

Original poster

hellymelly · 09/10/2010 22:24

I'm sorry its so long,I could have just put the comment,and probably should have,but I thought the background might be relevant.

OP posts:

mylittlemonkey · 09/10/2010 22:25

YANBU. It is a very strange and completely unnecassary thing to say. I would have a word with head and find out what exactly was said and why.

BuntyPenfold · 09/10/2010 22:25

I would ask to see her myself; is she unloading her issues on your little girl?
She sounds more than a little odd.

ninah · 09/10/2010 22:26

I work in a school and that is unprofessional if not downright odd, I'd mention to teacher

iwasyoungonce · 09/10/2010 22:26

I agree it's very odd. Just sounds bitter towards your daughter. And twisted to say "you shouldn't be crying - at least you have a mum and dad". Weird.

Sorry, really don't know what I'd do about it.

AuraofDora · 09/10/2010 22:26

the school seem to be doing what they can to make her feel welcome
your daughter seems a bit over sensitive, and you too actually..

AnyFuleKno · 09/10/2010 22:28

ReneRusso, YANBU

MmeLindt · 09/10/2010 22:29

It does seem like a strange thing to say to a 5yo. I would have a quiet word with the teacher.

Nothing wrong with the detail in your OP, it is all relevant but if you were to use paragraphs it would make it easier to read. Especially after a couple of glasses of wine and X Factor viewing.

Hope you get it sorted with the teacher, such a shame for your DD to have the first weeks of school spoiled by worry.

Ingles2 · 09/10/2010 22:29

I agree with Dora...

ReneRusso · 09/10/2010 22:30

sorry helly. it's just not broken up much and my brain has turned to mush.

Yes, it's really weird, teacher should keep her own issues to herself. I would be inclined to complain about that tbh.

pooka · 09/10/2010 22:31

If I were you I'd be breezy and not linger on the issue, saying something like "how sad for Mrs X. But anyway, what was the best thing that happened at school today?"

I wouldn't complain or query what was said, personally.

grapeandlemon · 09/10/2010 22:32

I think you need to be more positive and move on

bigchris · 09/10/2010 22:33

I agree with dora
your dd seems a bit quick to take a dislike about teachers and then complain to you and you go running to the head
just one visit to her yr1 classroom and she was upset all summer? But now you and her think the teacher is lovely?

Original poster

hellymelly · 09/10/2010 22:36

Yes,I think the school are doing what they can.I think they have been great.I don't want to overeact, it has been a tricky time as she has been finding settling into full time so difficult and has been generally miserable when she is usually a happy-go-lucky child.But part of her unwillingness to go to school has been that this assistant teacher isn't all that kind to her,DH has been unhappy about some of the comments he has heard,(he takes her to school)and other parents have been unhappy too.I just thought she was rather moody and didn't seem to like the children all that much,but she seems most mean when they get upset,and this comment just seemed very inappropriate to me,grumpy is one thing,but this seemed such a disturbing thing to say.

OP posts:

Ingles2 · 09/10/2010 22:45

in your OP you mention your dd didn't like the teacher after 1 day, was getting stressed about lunchtimes and didn't like the TA.. This is a lot of things your dd is unhappy about, that imo, you are taking far too seriously.
Starting school is a big deal, there is a lot to get used to.
you should be encouraging her to be confident, reassuring her of the things she's not happy about,
not running off for meetings with lists of complaints every 5 mins.
I know that sounds harsh, but I don't think you are doing yourself or your dd any favours atm.

Original poster

hellymelly · 09/10/2010 22:46

I hadn't met her new teacher at the time.I had heard she was nice,and I assumed she was nice,which is why I arranged the meeting with them as I thought that would resolve it.
Hard to go into the whole situation here,she hadn't been very well when she met her new teacher for the first time and she got really upset about leaving reception etc,I posted on here about it and had some constructive advice at the time.She is actually a really friendly and outgoing child,and not prone to taking a dislike to anyone.She never had a negative thing to say about her reception teachers or anyone else come to that.The situation with her for teacher was easy to resolve,I blooming well wish I had just posted the comment now,as all I want to know is whether this is a peculiar thing to say,not to have my five year old's character bitched about.I really am worried about this comment and I would appreciate some friendly thoughts from other parents.

OP posts:

bigchris · 09/10/2010 22:48

Did she only go full time in year one then but she started in reception?
Yes it was a wierd thing for her to say but hard when we don't know exactly how it was said, in what context etc
five year olds don't often repeat exactly what was said and it can get confused in the retelling

nancydrewrocked · 09/10/2010 22:49

Agree with Dora and rather like her name too

TrappedinSuburbia · 09/10/2010 22:52

I would mention it the next time you are in at a meeting or speaking with the teacher. It does seem rather odd.

I also have a 'sensitive' child, which believe me, makes for a sensitive parent!

You'll be pleased to hear that by year 2, confidence has improved greatly, I think it is just too much of a culture shock for them at such a young age.

Ingles2 · 09/10/2010 22:55

actually helly... my post was more of a criticism of you rather than your dd... sorry.
I;m even more surprised to see our dd has gone into yr 1 though...
yes, the comment is probably strange,... but without knowing the context / intonation I'd personally just ignore.

Original poster

hellymelly · 09/10/2010 22:58

Lordy. of course I have been reassuring and encouraging her to be confident,she is generally confident.I realise that adjusting to full time school can be hard for lots of children-I don't see what is so odd about asking for some help from the school and talking to them about any probems she might be having.We have had one meeting and another follow up meeting with the head,and one meeting with her teacher at the start of school- is that really over the top? She has been very anxious and sad after happily going into reception where she never cried at all,and it seemed worth addressing certain things to help her along-I'm a bit bewildered by how aggressive some of the responses are.It is late and I am tired and rambling,my original post was too long and really badly written ,I see that,but all i want to know is if the comment seems odd to you,or not?

OP posts:

Onetoomanycornettos · 09/10/2010 22:58

Firstly, I don't think you can say for definite what exactly this assistant said, children often report part of the conversation but not the context, perhaps your daughter asked about her mummy and daddy, perhaps she didn't, saying they are not around anymore as they are dead may just have been her honest reaction, and you don't know she said they died when she was young at all. So, be careful before you go in saying this and that was said by the assistant.

Secondly, I wouldn't go in if I were you, as I just think you and your daughter are getting hyper-sensitive to the situation there and it's just perpetuating her belief that everything and everyone has to be great for her to be happy there. If she's going to go through the state system, or indeed any school, she's going to have new teachers, new assistant, new dinner ladies, and whilst I don't think you should put up with bullying or unpleasantness (and there's no hint of this), being a bit grumpy is hardly a crime in a teaching assistant really. Perhaps she did say her parents had died, I wouldn't personally find this worth reporting, even if I though it odd.

I think you have to start to look for the good in the school, and in the teachers, and convey the message that this is a great place to be otherwise I think your daughter is going to carry on having difficulties. Is this assistant actually not kind to her, and in what ways? I don't think I actually know how the assistants in my dd's classes treat them (I presume fine), which suggests you are slightly over-sensitive to how the staff react to your daughter, who is just one of 30 children in the class. Hope it gets sorted, it's horrible when your LO is unhappy, but I think constantly looking to the environment at school may not be the way to go.

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