to think this is a strange thing for a teacher to say to a five year old?

[hellymelly]

quite long,sorry,but need to give the background-DD had a horrible Summer hol worrying about going back to school,as on the induction day for her new year one class,she took a dislike to the teacher and spent the whole holiday upset and scared about going back to school.Thanks to the (lovely) head we had a meeting between DD and the new teacher the day before school started,the teacher was lovely to DD and all seemed resolved, certainly DD from then on has been very happy with her teacher,but otherwise generally upset in the class and crying in the mornings,crying at bedtimes and weekends etc.We had another meeting with the head,and her form teacher,and they have helped with some of the things that DD was getting most stressed about (lunchtimes etc).However,we have held off mentioning to the head that DD doesn't like the assistant teacher,who she says is very "grumpy"and is quite scared of.(I did mention it briefly to her teacher)We hoped that as they got to know each other better DD would not mind her so much,but on several occasions she seems quite bullying and unkind towards DD,and to some of the other children,(many of whom seem to feel the same as DD about her).Anyway we were in with the head yesterday at end of day,talking over the progress and planning how to continue,the meeting ran slightly over picking up time,and when I realised I went straight to DD's class.She was sitting on the floor on her own looking very upset,(the AT and a helper in the room)I assumed it was because she had been waiting for us to pick her up, but when we got home she said "Mrs X told me that I shouldn't be crying (she wanted to come to me)she said I am lucky to have a Mummy and a Daddy,and that she hasn't got a Mummy and Daddy.I asked her why not,and she said that they had died a long time ago".DD took this to mean that they had died when Mrs X was a little girl,(I have no idea when they died.Mrs X is in her 30's I would say)and she was very upset.She said that maybe that was why Mrs X is so grumpy,and she also seemed worried that someones Mummy and Daddy could die.Is this not a really strange thing to say to a five year old? We have had a few better days with DD recently and her teacher and the head have been really trying to help her settle into full time school,but now this!What do you think,and what would you do?

Yes it does and I personally would be angry/upset that my daughter was not comforted when upset. Would def be having words with head especially if other parents have mentioned worries about her. Who cares if people think you are over sensitive? You aren't and your daughter is only 5 and needs you to be her advocate

I am going to take some time out of my gazillionth holiday this year to say YANBU. However I do think it would be a very difficult thing to approach the classroom assistant with. I hope the school continue to support you and your DD and she continues to grow in confidence.

It would be weird if she said it all of the sudden but tbh i doubt it.

I imagine something like this: Your dd was crying. The TA asked her 'why are you crying?'. (what is wrong with this?).
Then perhaps your dd or another child asked the TA 'where is your mummy and daddy' and TA said that they are not alive anymore and 'you are lucky to have mummy and daddy'.
And? Did you want the TA to say 'my mummy is at home'? Then you would accuse her of lying and encouraging children to lie! Teachers and TAs cannot win with some parents.

Your dd is probably upset because she is picking on your negativity.

I think YA a bit U. The TA was probably trying to comfort your daughter by pointing to her all the things she has and illustrated with a personal example that some people have less than she does. I really cannot see where "you are lucky to have to parents, I lost mine a long time ago" could be percieved as mean.

Maybe it is just me though.

I have just read the whole thread now and you said at one point 'i dont want you bitching about my dd's personality' ! The thing is nobody here did.
Can you see something? Maybe the same is happening at school?

I said that in response to the comment that my daughter was over-sensitive.It seemed a bit harsh to me when I read it,she is still a very small child,she is only now starting full time school,and I've never found her to be over-sensitive.She is sensitive yes,but then most of her class seem sensitive and vulnerable in one way or another.Over-sensitive,no,I don't think she is,and it annoyed me that there was a judgement put on a child who hasn't got a say here.

My ds is over-sensitive and if someone said it i wouldn't be defensive. Tbh if she was 'sad and scared' during the holidays after one visit to school then perhaps she is.
But most people said that you are oversensitive.

There was not 'judgement put on a child' fgs.

Helly, some of the comments here seem a bit harsh. Some children need a little more support and a few more hugs than others...bit like adults really. Also, I had missed the bit where she seemed upset but was sat alone (sorry), would it have really hurt for the TA to cuddle her? Am I missing something here? She is a little girl! I still think YANBU.

Not a comment I'd ever make to a kid - but I am quite open with kids about my family background, I talk about having a little brother but that he's bigger than they are now, and that he lives with my mum and my dad doesn't live with us because my parents split up when I was young... I use it to illustrate that that particular social can of worms is perfectly normal and that if it even happens to teachers, hopefully the kid in the class that's probably going through it feels that they're normal too.

Seems a very strange comment to make from a TA who doesn't sound like she likes kids very much - there are some around (I always vowed to quit teaching the day I became a child-hating fossil).

The kids, incidentally are usually more interested about the fact I have a three legged cat and the logistics of how she came to have three legs... I'm sure there are many around that wonder if I secretly got busy with the saw one evening (even though I tell them how she was poorly and the vet couldn't make her leg better so she had to chop it off and she's fine with three)!

As for the teacher bashing - unless you're there, you can't anticipate what a rollercoaster job it is. It's one where the highs are so massively high, but the lows so hideously low, where you often reach the end of the day and realize that you haven't even found the time to pee - and you're at the front line of some of the very very bleak things going on and happening to society. It absolutely kills you in terms of fatigue, and the extraneous pressures on you can be hideous. It's a career I'm very good at and proud of, but it's also one that caused me to have a breakdown by the age of 30 - mainly because I was so worn down trying to protect a class of children from a very violent child and trying to fight a wall of silence that wouldn't help the child in question - and I can see just where that particular life-path will end up if left un-checked... things like that are what makes the job so hard. On the other hand - you get such comedy moments and high points it's like the best comedy film in the world and best night out where you get a massive buzz rolled into one when you get a lesson where you can steer things exactly where you want them to be - and no two days are the same. Although - deduct at least half of the much-vaunted holidays for us getting the barrage of germs we're subjected to over term time and don't come down with then, and add in the occupational hazards of nits and worms (never tie wet shoelaces when it's not been raining). If you think it's an easy job - go volunteer in a school for a few weeks and see it from the other side - there's a lot going badly wrong with society and schools are bearing the brunt of it. I'm proud as hell that I'm a teacher - but, very selfishly, I do supply now - I get all of the fun bits in front of a class that I'm good at (and even Ofsted said so so ner ner) and the stuff that drags your soul down I'm free from.

Helly, I posted early on to say YANBU and left it there as it seemed so unlikely that anyone else would think differently! Shows how much I know.

Having read the thread since, I'm pretty shocked by how keen some people are to turn this around and make it somehow your fault / your DDs 'fault'. I don't think it is your fault, hell, I don't even think it's necessarily the TA's fault - maybe she had had a crappy day and just got it wrong. People make mistakes all the time.

I think your first suggestion - to go and say 'I'm so sorry to hear you lost your parents so young' etc is quite a good one - either the TA will have a different version of events, which will come out, or she will realise how inappropriate her comment was & no more needs to be said. TBH going to the head / complaining to the teacher might be overkill at this stage - especially (as many other people have pointed out) children are not 100% reliable narrators.

In a situation like this, to downplay an error of judgement on the part of an adult is not the same as condoning it. That's not to say you don't have every right to be irritated by it (and to vent that irritation - that's what MN is for, right?)

Whatever you decide to do, you're the one who knows your DD the best & the kind of support she needs, whether it's a hug and to forget all about it, or a drive-by the TA's front garden with a SuperSoaker full of weedkiller.

Thanks so much Grumpla,your post really cheered me up,and the advice was very helpful indeed.The nature of any computer forum makes it tricky,people mis-read stuff (e.g my dd wasn't upset after one day at school,she has been happy at school part time for two years,she just had a bit of a shock at the very different/stricter teaching style of her new teacher,and this unfortunately happened on a day when she was not 100% well and so she took it badly)posters mis-represent stuff ( I could have been much clearer) but yes its been a bit of a surprise how many people seemed to think this is my fault- There was a program on the radio a couple of weeks ago where they talked about children having anxiety about school and how to tackle it,and according to the experts there,we had done just what we should have done,gone to teacher/head etc,got help and support.The headmistress is very straightforward and has been the one making decisions about how to tackle things here .the only issue I wanted advice on is that there have been these repeated less than kind or ill-advised (imo,natch)comments by the TA,as my DD is getting on much better at school otherwise thanks to the school's help.
Anyway,I had a chat with a few other mothers today,two of whom have concerns about the TA themselves,and it may be something that gets tackled through the PTA,as the general feeling was that she seems to need more training on how to deal with the children.I also spoke with a friend who is a trained bereavement counsellor for children,and she felt the comment was inappropriate and unprofessional. My gut feeling is that the TA is taking some personal anger/frustration/whatever out on the children, but I am not going to the head or anything yet,although I may just run that comment past the TA.

The PTA is purely a fundraising vehicle, and as such any raising of this issue through it would be wholly inappropriate.

The best way to deal with it is to have a concerned word with the head, rather than chatting about various concerns with other parents. It is the headteacher's responsiblity to decide whether a TA needs 'more training in how to deal with children' (as if such a training course existed!), not the parents or the PTA.

By not dealing with this comment appropriately, you run the risk of your comments being dismissed as gossip if you raise them much later after talking to other parents.

Is that so feenie? I have no knowledge of the PTA,this was the point raised by a mother who is more involved with it,she said that is what the PTA is for,to raise issues of concern/foster relationships etc between parents and teachers.I really don't want to mishandle this,nor do I want to be seen as a gossip-DH and I are both stuck on how to deal with it appropriately which is why I asked the advice of the other parents.Oh blimey now I'm worried I have done the wrong thing.DH and I had pretty much decided to make a small comment to the TA herself,but not to raise it with the head unless anything else of concern happened,giving the TA the benefit of the doubt for the moment.I ran that by the other mothers as I knew there had been other times when the TA's attitude towards the children was questionable and I wanted advice from people who know her and who know all the others concerned.So I guess the best thing would be to not mention this again for now but talk to the head of there is another concern? We have a follow up meeting with the head (requested by her) in a few weeks.

God, that is so not what the PTA is for - raising personal concerns regarding a member of staff! She is way off the mark. I would mention it now, tbh, but if you are okay leaving it unless anything else happens, then that's the way to go (not the PTA!).

I personally don't think you are being unreasonable. Some people on here are being unfair.

On holiday last month my 18 month old was crying about something, and my partners mother said to her 'stop crying, you are lucky to be here!' not a massive deal maybe but it REALLY wound me up, and because I heard it I knew that it was said with a malicious tone in the voice. The fact is that whenever anybody else cares for your child you want them to respond with the same love and care that you would. Some people are just not capable of doing that. It is unfortunate that your daughters TA seems to be one of them. A small child who is upset needs comfort. Your daughter didn't get that and you are concerned about the person taking care of her in the daytime. That is reasonable and right.

However, while your concerns sound like they are justified, it probably isn't constructive to get too hung up on an individual unless their behaviour is really disturbing. Kids need to learn that not all grown ups (and children for that matter!) are sweet, caring people, and how to have the confidence to not let these people knock them down. This is something that hopefully you can help her to have by showing her how to react to and deal with uncomfortable situations. If you get stressed, so will she.

Its a hard lesson for her to learn, that people can be difficult, but you need to lead by example. If she sees you worrying about her teacher, it will only reinforce her belief that there is something to worry about. If you can help her to focus on the positives at her school, and all the happy, caring relationships that she is building there, then with luck she will have the internal confidence to disregard the more negative ones, especially if you can explain to her the reasons why they are being negative e.g. 'your teacher had a very sad thing happen to her, and sometimes that makes people unhappy for a long time. When people are sad, sometimes they say things that upset others. Its not fair, but lets try to understand.' Then you are teaching her both to empathise, and to see that if someone is being unpleasant to her, it doesn't mean that it is her fault.

Good luck with however you decide to deal with it.

I think it was an inappropriate thing for the TA to say. I don't think you have done anything wrong with how you've handled your daughter and her concerns about starting school. Don't let people try and make you feel bad about your behaviour, you have done exactly what anybody else would do - including talking to other mums at school about your concerns.

I would talk to the head teacher, because I think talking to the TA may lead to either a) confrontation or b) embarrassment on either your or her end. The headteacher seems genuinely good at resolving issues, e.g. setting up a meeting for your daughter and the teacher and keeping you informed of progress, so I'd think it would be a safe bet to think she could handle this issue sensitively to you and your daughter, and the TA too.

I know how sensitive some children can be because I was very fragile as a child. When we were learning about WW2 at school, I went home and cried all night because I thought it was only a matter of time until the next war and I'd have to be evacuated, or my family would be killed by a bomb, or we may have to live on rations. For weeks, I was so miserable! Even if your daughter hasn't taken the fact that parents sometimes die to heart and become really upset by it, she MAY have done, and that's why I think the TA was wrong to say it. I doubt she's a horrible person who meant to upset anyone, but she probably could benefit from hearing this kind of conversation with a five-year-old isn't really appropriate.

I think that trying to canvas opinion on staff from other parents is gossipy tbh and agree that the PTA is really NOT for making complaints. I feel for this TA a bit, why not just speak to her directly so that you can get a more rounded sense of context, meaning etc. It seems underhand to me for you to deal with it in any other way than openly and directly.
I also think for what it's worth that you are making a mountain out of a molehill. I'm not unsympathetic as I had a very sticky year with ds in reception last year. However, I would say that looking back on it now, I am quite sure that my anxiety about him was totally contagious, that he picked up on it and internalised it and that I worried a lot over nothing. Now I am back at work, surprise surprise ds is far, far happier and more settled- probably because he doesn't have to endure my endless grillings at the end of the day and see my angst ridden face at the start of it! I seriously advise that you take a good few steps back and let dd fend for herself more, and I say this is the anxious parent of an anxious child, having learned the hard way!
Plus this will not be the last time that dd will be challenged by an adult or another child, it will happen again and again- I think that is a good thing on the whole isn't it?
My reception teacher used to tell us she'd 'skin us alive and boil us in oil' by the way, and that Jesus would see all our evil sins- inappropriate yes, desperately damaging, no!

hellymelly, i did not mis-read stuff. I just happen to disagree and you can not accept that some people have different opinions.

You are doing it here aswell. Blaming people, getting defensive, upset about people not saying exactly what you want them to say, making a mountain over it and trying to victimize your dd.

You have spent the evening talking to other parents about the TA and to 'a friend who is a trained bereavement counsellor for children'?

I really think you should get a hobby and let your dd to enjoy school.

Crikey! I haven't spent the evening doing that!Im not crackers! I spent five minutes discussing it this afternoon as I was in a car with the other parents,and I spoke to my friend who loves my daughter and was asking how she's getting on,so of course it came up. I've spent the evening watching eastenders pootling about on the computer and eating chocolate buttons! blardy hell.You said that she'd got upset after one day at school,and that wasn't the case,so I was trying to clarify it.I'm not blaming anyone,and Im not trying to victimise my daughter,that is a horrible thing to say.I am bothered by the TA yes,because this wasn't an isolated comment by any means,and I started the thread because I wanted to poll others opinions,and I have taken them on board,even the ones I didn't like,aside from the one that concerned my child.I don't really get why you are being quite so aggressive? I have had a child very happy at school for two years,while I watched tv in the evenings and ate even more chocolate buttons,and I've never remotely worried about it until the recent concerns of her feeling miserable at school,surely any parent would do this? My daughter in some ways does sound like babylann as a child,and she isn't unusual in that I don't think.Small children are sensitive in general aren't they? I have another smaller daughter,and if the same comment had been made to her,she would have been even more bothered and upset.
I think her school/classmates/teacher/head are really great,and so she does get a positive message from me about it,I am just cross that the TA is causing her extra upset at a tricky time when she is just starting to settle.
and now I'm off to the thread about David Tennant in a kilt,I need some light relief.
-oh and ClaireH26 yes,,that is roughly the tactic we have at home for talking about people being bad tempered etc,and DD herself said that she feels that is why the TA is always so grumpy with the children.I haven't told her at all that we are worried about this person,we have just said "oh she was grumpy today? Maybe she was tired/had a headache/felt sad" etc. DD is usually really confident with adults,she is very outgoing and friendly,as am I too,honestly,even if I seem like a right old fusspot on here.

could be that TA is a mardy cow. thing is, your wee one will probably come across a few of them in the years to come so although her comment is odd, it gives you an opportunity to help her deal with conflict... encourage her to bond with the other children and her teacher and she'll trust them, go to them when she is feeling sad etc. also, you could try taking the TA aside one day and thanking her for her support in helping DD to settle in... maybe a bit of reverse psychology might help her to be more positive toward your DD.

my DD has found certain elements of Primary 1 difficult too. it's taken her weeks and weeks not to cry in the morning... we've been very lucky with her teacher and TA though but I wholly sympathise.

Ignore the more negative comments about you being over sensitive- of course you're concerned- shows you're a good mum.

wow surprised at some of the answers here realy/ this ta is totally unprofessional! complain i would before she tells these precious little people any more of her issues. this is totally odd and not accceptable.

I don't think you or your daughter are being over-sensitive.
I think it is an outrageous thing to say and you are quite right to pursue it.
I would be interested to know what response you get from the school.

I am a TA in a y1 class and IMO YANBU.

The TA is there to do a job and to work pleasantly in a class of very small children. Grumpiness stays at the door and you put on a professional head.

A child who is finind settling harder needs even more tenderness and niceness romt he aults around her, not unkind, harsh words and definitely nothing to do with being lucky for having parents alive For goodness saeke! I am shoked the TA has even thought to say something like that.

I do think that the comment should be brought up at school. If noone ever comments on the TA's behaviour and attitude then nothign will change, and there will be more children who are exposed to her unkindness.

I really think taking this up with the head is best.

The issue won't be resolved and will play on your mind.

It is a very odd thing to have been said to your DD and you should not have the slightest reservation in bringing the matter to her attention.