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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stuff that's supposed to happen to parents that didn't happen to you

88 replies

HeathcliffMoorland · 09/10/2010 13:24

You know the kind of thing...

I experienced most of it, but some of it just hasn't happened. I'm wondering if I'm alone in this!

I did feel the rush of love, and for me it was instant. I would do anything for my children. I tolerate child-related tasks for mine better than I would for the children of others. I do think mine are uniquely funny and charming!

BUT, I don't love them more than DH. I don't see the world in a different light through their eyes - as in, their interest in the washing machine doesn't thrill me any more than DH's love for rugby does. When they learn something new, it doesn't excite me, but I do feel relieved.

Anyone else experienced anything similar, or AIB completely U?

OP posts:
Meglet · 09/10/2010 13:27

No rush of love here either, more of a 'Thank God we're both alive and in one piece'.

ValentinCrimble · 09/10/2010 13:37

You don't love your own flesh and blood more than your DH? Confused

LittleCheesyPineappleOne · 09/10/2010 13:40

Why the Confused face?

Bit of a sacred cow, that one. I don't know that I love my children over my DH. I chose my DH after all; he's the love of my love. My children I love and adore, but I look at them as a wonderful gift for me to bring up and cherish until they are ready to move on, and find their own life partners.

I didn't have the rush of love for DC1 - was exhausted and overwhelmed and it took a good few weeks to get to that stage of 'I'd do anything for him'. It happened immediately with DC2 though.

formerdiva · 09/10/2010 13:45

I don't know if everyone does love their children more than their DHs - I've heard a few people say not before, so you're not alone.

TBH, I've always felt guilty about loving mine more than DH. And I think I love my Mum more than I love poor DH as well Blush

blueshoes · 09/10/2010 13:49

That I would feel guilt at going back to work. Nope.

That I would live with my heart in my mouth due to anxiety that anything would happen to dcs. Nope - I reckon they will be just fine.

nagoo · 09/10/2010 14:01

I am not interested in the things DS likes, but I have developed a remarkable knowledge of the Star Wars saga so I can talk about it with him.

I don't care about F1 that DH likes, but I try to keep up a bit so I don't glaze over too obviously when he talks about it.

Are we supposed to find every aspect of our family's life fascinating? I enjoy my son immensely, but the things I do/ teach him about are for him, not for me (except coluring in and making cakes, I like that bit).

I am happy with my family and my life. I'm not judging myself on what is best for others, only what is best for us.

So YANBU OP.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 09/10/2010 14:11

Op i am the same, my husband comes before the kids, but to be honest i always thought he would. Smile

StealthPolarBear · 09/10/2010 14:13

That you miss them soo much when you go back to work. I ahve to say I don't, really. DS was stressful as he was ill when I went ack to work for 6 weeks (ended up changing nursery) but will DD this time it has been so easy. Of course I catch myself thinking about them but tend to be too busy. I miss them more on the rare occasion I'm home and they're not.

MrsC2010 · 09/10/2010 14:14

YANBU. I loved my daughter from the 1st minute, and was scared for her etc...but didn't feel the overwhelming 'wow, you're amazing' until about 5 wks. (3 wks ago.) I think that coincided with my feeling more confident with her, and settling into being a mother, being at home etc.

I don't know whether I love her more than my DH though, I love them both more than anything.

HumphreyCobbler · 09/10/2010 14:21

I think it is SO different that it is impossible to compare your love for your children to your love for your husband.

My children are dependent on me and DH in a way we are not on each other. I love them differently, that's all.

Chil1234 · 09/10/2010 14:27

YANBU... Love is different things to different people. For some it's the gushing, eyes across a crowded room, demonstrative experience. For others it's a more a quiet, unspoken emotion, getting stronger over time. We love our parents in a different way to the way we love our partners or friends and different again to the way we love our children.

Different doesn't mean less. It's all good.

loopyloops · 09/10/2010 14:29

I'm not sure you have to decide who you love more do you?

But "my husband comes before the kids" (BabyDubs) is a bit worrying IMO. (sorry)

BoffinMum · 09/10/2010 14:30

I see my kids as lovely, interesting little people passing through our lives for a bit. I don't feel a sense of ownership and possession, just a sense that they deserve proper treatment and that it's an important job I've got to do for a while.

I get a bit baffled at the whole pfb thing tbh and think a lot of people should chill a bit more. Ironically before school teachers and so on get to know me, they think I am also going to be the intense possessive type, a bit of a stage mother, and they say the oddest things to me and DH along those lines. I must look wierd or summat.

MrsC2010 · 09/10/2010 14:30

True, I guess I have never been the gushing, demonstrative type...but I love my loved ones very much.

Original poster
HeathcliffMoorland · 09/10/2010 14:35

My point was that I don't love my children more than DH, or vice versa.

Most people IRL seem to explicitly love their children the most.

OP posts:
thewook · 09/10/2010 14:44

I think I definitely love both dcs and my mum and probably mys sister more than dh. Starting to feel that that's a bit odd- never questioned it before!

ThatDamnDog · 09/10/2010 14:55

Your kids demand more from you than a partner does - love for a child comes with responsibility and obligation. Love for a partner comes with mutual support and a shoulder to lean on. Different loves, different situations.

I haven't had the rush of love either - relief, wonder, acceptance that they're mine. The love grows with time.

Mumcentreplus · 09/10/2010 14:56

I fell completely and deeply in love with both my children when they were born..they were just so beautiful and amazing Grin seriously could'nt believe I was involved in growing such loveiness..pauses.. sighs ...DH and I say to each other when they survived each year ..well done another year over and they are still in good nick ..Grin the first few years are the most scary..

but I'm not really the gushy type although I do say and show what I feel...I tell DH I love him and my girls I love them, my best friends..sisters..parents ..when i feel like it..I also tell them when they are pissing me off too.. Wink

Mumcentreplus · 09/10/2010 14:59

Each person has their own love account with you..so a partners love is different to the love you have for your children..

AgentZigzag · 09/10/2010 15:05

DH doesn't mind that I love the DDs more than him.

I measure it in that of course I'd be very upset if anything happened to him, but I would be broken in half if anything happened to the DDs.

It might have something to do with (not especially a death) but past relationships have broken down and I've learnt coping mechanisms.

With the DDs it's a love I've never felt so deeply before with anyone.

hidingidentity · 09/10/2010 15:05

Oo, that flesh-and-blood comment makes my teeth itch! I'm sure that it's not meant this way, but what about children who aren't your flesh and blood? Are they loved any less? I'm sure that all the adoptive parents on here would have something to say about that. As would I, as we used a donor. No less love going around in my household.

I love my husband as much as my children, and my children as much as my husband, and find a bit strange that anyone would think that there is a hierarchy.

AgentZigzag · 09/10/2010 15:08

That's not to say I don't love DH Grin

Oh and I don't think YABU, you feel what you feel, nobody can deny you that.

AgentZigzag · 09/10/2010 15:16

'and find a bit strange that anyone would think that there is a hierarchy'

Strange for you, but not for everyone.

DH is another person, my DDs are part of me, I don't make the hierachy tangible in our lives but it's something I feel.

Hedgeblunder · 09/10/2010 15:27

My mum has always said she loves us more than my dad and vice versa. She said if she had to choose between us lot and my dad she wouldn't even think about it.
I always assumed that that's how I would feel too!

ItWasADarkAndStormyNight · 09/10/2010 15:35

Agree with loopy

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