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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stuff that's supposed to happen to parents that didn't happen to you

88 replies

HeathcliffMoorland · 09/10/2010 13:24

You know the kind of thing...

I experienced most of it, but some of it just hasn't happened. I'm wondering if I'm alone in this!

I did feel the rush of love, and for me it was instant. I would do anything for my children. I tolerate child-related tasks for mine better than I would for the children of others. I do think mine are uniquely funny and charming!

BUT, I don't love them more than DH. I don't see the world in a different light through their eyes - as in, their interest in the washing machine doesn't thrill me any more than DH's love for rugby does. When they learn something new, it doesn't excite me, but I do feel relieved.

Anyone else experienced anything similar, or AIB completely U?

OP posts:

ScaryFucker · 09/10/2010 16:22

Baby...my kids hate me, you are doing something wrong

mine are teenagers though

loopyloops · 09/10/2010 16:24

I haven't stopped worrying about them. Do you tell them that he comes first?

Mumcentreplus · 09/10/2010 16:25

Nah Scary..thats normal behaviour..

BabyDubsEverywhere · 09/10/2010 16:36

Funnily enough it hasnt come up - they dont talk yet!

Perhaps this is just my experience, but i grew up seeing my dad worship my mom, you only had to look at him looking at her and you could 'feel' how much she ment for him, and vice versa, they truely adored one another. Niether made a decision without consulting the other each others feelings were more important than their own. They were/are wonderful parents. I never thought about it until now, but i imagine that if asked they would have chose each other. The reason this didnt screw me up i spose is that they both worked their asses off for their family, to love and provide for the whole unit as it were.

I feel very lucky that i have met someone who i feel this way about, who feels this way about me. My DH works his arse off providing for our family, we are hopefully raising two well adjusted children who i hope will go off into the world and seek the same one day. This works for us, we are a very happy secure unit, I am with a guy who puts us first for every breath, I put him first, and he takes care of us all.

This is obviously coming out wrong. sorry your worried loopy but my children want for nothing, including unconditional love, dont really know what you want me to say?

Schroeder · 09/10/2010 16:37

I would agree that the dcs are just passing through in a way. I love them, but I plan the rest of my life with dh.

The dcs will be off doing their own thing before we know it and that's what I want for them; to be independent and happy.

If you love your dcs more, how are you going to cope when they leave home?

BabyDubsEverywhere · 09/10/2010 16:37

and heath sorry this seems to have been hijacked, wasnt intentional

ScaryFucker · 09/10/2010 16:38

well, for a start, I would hope they are still in my life even when they leave home

you make it sound like you despatch them off to another planet, shroeder

LittleCheesyPineappleOne · 09/10/2010 16:49

BabyDubs - that's how I feel too.

Mumcentreplus · 09/10/2010 16:51

I will be looking forward to having time together as a couple after they have left and I'm happy they are not in any crazy-arse situations...
I hope and will welcome their visits and I will cook their favorite meals and be that mummy shoulder to cry on...
I will also look forward to walking around my house in the buff and going on cruises..oh and grand-children who I can give back

AgentZigzag · 09/10/2010 16:55

DD1 recons she's going to live next door to us when she moves out maybe there is a limit to my love

Mumcentreplus · 09/10/2010 17:00

..I lived above my Dad for quite a few years and it was actually really lovely..I still miss it...but then my dad is cool..can't say I would feel the same about my mum she's a bit intense...

Original poster

HeathcliffMoorland · 09/10/2010 17:01

No problem, BabyDubs - I would only be offended if the hijack was boring!

OP posts:

missmoopy · 09/10/2010 17:08

I love my child more than anyone in the whole world. More than dh, more than my parents. She is part of me.

So I think YABU.

scottishmummy · 09/10/2010 17:18

mummy guilt.never felt guilty about working or any decisions best for the dc.thie oft touted media myth of harangued mum racked with guilt isnt me.at all

Mumcentreplus · 09/10/2010 17:24

Its not that I dont believe in parental guilt ..but it totally depends upon the mother/father and their motives...some people do need to feel guilty...they fucked up..others do not and did what was best at the time..

Original poster

HeathcliffMoorland · 09/10/2010 17:37

Yes, I'm also not one for the guilt.

I was delighted to return to work.

I don't feel like I'm missing out.

I'd make a terrible SAHM!

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 09/10/2010 17:41

I like the way Robert Winston says that children will turn out however they turn out, regardless of any parental input. I'd like to believe him

It goes a long way to making me feel less guilty about whether I'm fucking up my DCs (which I see as inevitable in some form or other, if not by us then by something/one else).

Fennel · 09/10/2010 17:47

I was going to say I'd choose the dds over DP any time.

Except... for being stranded on a desert island. DP is just so massively useful. He's construct a shelter, rig up some sort of makeshift radio, sort out a raft we could escape on, and stay good natured throughout. I've always said he's someone who would be really good in a post-nuclear-holocaust world. So very practical.

In terms of love it's the dds all the time. But DP wins on usefulness.

Faaamily · 09/10/2010 17:51

No rush of love with my first. I was in way too much shock. Rush of love came massively with my second baby, though.

I love my children more than anyone else in the world, including my (beloved) DH. I can't deny that fact.

You don't sound weird, at all. We're all different and experience things differently. Would be weird of we didn't.

Fennel · 09/10/2010 17:51

Other things that didn't happen to me that's supposed to.

the Randy Desperate for sex stage in the 2nd trimester of pregnancy. So disappointing, never a flicker of this.
Feeling connected to your baby while breastfeeding. the agonies of bf with my first were quite a barrier to bonding.
loving all your children equally. I do now, but for a scarily long time I did have an unexpectedly strong preference for one. I don't find that "the love just expands if you have more". For me it shifted, dramatically and for a long time.

loopyloops · 09/10/2010 18:17

Sorry BabyDubs. It does make a bit more sense now your'e explained it. I bet you're a great motHer. :) (sorry, keyboard broken)

Nellykats · 09/10/2010 18:38

I see my kids as lovely, interesting little people passing through our lives for a bit

I really don't get that, your children are not house guests, they always are in your life surely, even if they move out. Plus they probably don't stay small forever, unless one has given birth to Peter Pan, now that would be a problem.

lostinafrica · 09/10/2010 18:41

Identify with the shifting love, Fennel; had something like that when 2nd was born.

And although I was looking forward to the blooming stage of pregnancy, I just got a chinful of spots instead.

lostinafrica · 09/10/2010 18:43

And I kinda wish I felt like Babydubs...

mumeeee · 09/10/2010 18:46

I love all 3 of my DD's very much but not more than my DH. They are now 23.20 and 18 and I still get excited when something good happens to them. But I also wory a bit about them but then I think most Mothers do that.

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