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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stuff that's supposed to happen to parents that didn't happen to you

88 replies

HeathcliffMoorland · 09/10/2010 13:24

You know the kind of thing...

I experienced most of it, but some of it just hasn't happened. I'm wondering if I'm alone in this!

I did feel the rush of love, and for me it was instant. I would do anything for my children. I tolerate child-related tasks for mine better than I would for the children of others. I do think mine are uniquely funny and charming!

BUT, I don't love them more than DH. I don't see the world in a different light through their eyes - as in, their interest in the washing machine doesn't thrill me any more than DH's love for rugby does. When they learn something new, it doesn't excite me, but I do feel relieved.

Anyone else experienced anything similar, or AIB completely U?

OP posts:
BabyDubsEverywhere · 09/10/2010 15:36

Hmmm, so just out of interest, who would everyone choose? not life and death or anything morbid. but desert island kind of thing.

No contest DH, amd he'd choose me.

(i do adore my children but they are people in their own right who i hope will go out and find a significant other that means as much to them as DH and i mean to one another, acually would find it strange if i ment more to my children than their other half)

BabyDubsEverywhere · 09/10/2010 15:40

BOFINMUM
I see my kids as lovely, interesting little people passing through our lives for a bit. I don't feel a sense of ownership and possession, just a sense that they deserve proper treatment and that it's an important job I've got to do for a while.

Thats what i mean too Smile

AgentZigzag · 09/10/2010 15:42

It's just my opinion babydubs, but I don't see it as a two way street, parents love their children more than their children (end up) loving them.

Even though it's hard to pin down or measure love, I do stuff for my children that I would never want them to have to do for me eg at lunch I wiped DD2s snotty nose loads, I would barf if I had to do that for anyone else while I was eating but because it's her I don't give it a second thought.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 09/10/2010 15:51

Zigzag, i agree completely, i worship my children, i never said anything about loving them more or less, love doesnt come into it, thats as someone else said, like different accounts, independant love accounts if you will. Smile I love my two unconditionally and i can see no reason why that would change. Ironically i dont love my DH unconditionally, im sure if i discoverd him to be a lying cheeting wanker my love would quickly dwindle. Grin

I wasnt talking love in previous posts btw.

You do all know this is hypothetical yeah?

AgentZigzag · 09/10/2010 15:53

'You do all know this is hypothetical yeah?'

Which bit are you talking about?

Callisto · 09/10/2010 15:54

I've never experienced a tantrum from DD. Does that count

Callisto · 09/10/2010 15:56

Ah, the unconditional love bit? Yes, totally. Not from the first moment, but I did feel hugely protective. It kind of crept up on me and one day when DD was a month old I suddenly realised that I loved her more than I would ever love anything, ever.

Mumcentreplus · 09/10/2010 15:58

awwww@Callisto..

ScaryFucker · 09/10/2010 15:58

kids versus DH ?

kids win every time, in every "hypothetical" situation that I can think of

somebody who transparently says my DH comes before my kids makes me very uncomfortable

BabyDubsEverywhere · 09/10/2010 15:59

Sorry agent, choosing between people.

loopyloops · 09/10/2010 16:00

BabyDubs - the desert island thing...

Do I take DH and leave DD to fend for herself, or take DD and leave DH to fend for himself?

Take DD, clearly.

The fact is, your children need you. Your partner doesn't.

Greensleeves · 09/10/2010 16:00

dh and I have agreed that we would always protect the boys first, and we've had the "who would you save in a fire" discussion and we would both go for the boys

but that is because they are dependent and vulnerable and less likely to be able to help themselves, not because we love them more

I don't think I love any one of them more or less than the others, we are just a family and we love each other

loopyloops · 09/10/2010 16:01

And can I ask, in what way does your husband come first? Do your children know that?

Mumcentreplus · 09/10/2010 16:02
loopyloops · 09/10/2010 16:05

Her scarier sister? Surely that's not possible?

Original poster
HeathcliffMoorland · 09/10/2010 16:08

Choosing between DCs and DH. To be honest, it depends entirely on the situation.

Socially, DH is far more fun. I would rather attend a party with him.

Desert Island: For a holiday, I choose DH if we can get a sitter - we never get any prolonged time alone together (obviously through our own choice). I choose the children if we can't, or if it were a longer term trip.

If I had to take care of someone, I choose the kids. DH is an adult. He can take care of himself.

If I had to choose in the very short term, like for an evening, I choose whoever is in a better mood. I neither want to deal with crabby children nor adults, given a choice. This is DH, because he is not prone to whinging if he doesn't like the order of the vegetables on his plate!

OP posts:
arses · 09/10/2010 16:09

To return to the OP: the helicopter parent thing.

I do have quite a bit of anxiety about him e.g. if I hear of a tragic event it makes me worry, but I don't feel the need to hover over him while he plays or talk to him all day in animated tones, labelling everything he sees excitedly. I recognise him as a person who needs to relax as much as any of the rest of us. He can have dirty hands. I didn't find weaning all that interesting and I felt no need to compare notes endlessly with others. I assume that he is developing fine, and if not, we'll worry about that when it becomes obvious it is causing problems. I don't feel affronted if a toddler accidentally pushes against him or gets a bit snippy when he mouths their toys.

Mumcentreplus · 09/10/2010 16:09

Thats it Greeny..children are vunerable..of course thats who you think of first in a crisis...we have had that discussion too..

ScaryFucker · 09/10/2010 16:12

it's me, AF Smile

Mumcentreplus · 09/10/2010 16:12

Grin@ loopy

AgentZigzag · 09/10/2010 16:12

I don't mean this as a judgement on mums who have left their children, as each person has to make decisions based on their own situation.

But if I felt DH was 'not doing the right thing' by my DC or me, I would leave with the DC without a second thought.

I love DH and enjoy being with him, but I don't have the same painful need to be with him as I do with my DDs.

In that way this isn't hypothetical, because it's something that does cross my mind occasionally when I think of different scenarios that could realistically happen to me.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 09/10/2010 16:17

I was being lighthearted, think heathcliff is on the same strain. just 'id rather spend time chilling on a beach with my DH than changing nappies'

really didnt mean to worry people Confused

ScaryFucker · 09/10/2010 16:20

ok, Baby, I will stop worrying about your children now Smile

BabyDubsEverywhere · 09/10/2010 16:21

Honestly i am quite a good mom - they even like me sometimes Grin

MmeLindt · 09/10/2010 16:21

The love I have for my DH is different to the love I have for my DC.

My DC are dependent on my looking after them, bringing them up to be independent and confident people. The love that I have for them is unconditional.

My DH is an adult and even though the chance of this happening is extremely remote, my love for him could conceivably wither and die. If he did something unforgivable.

I would say that is the difference, that they will always, no matter what, be loved by me.

I don't get this, "Oh, I cannot go away without the DC for the weekend, I would miss them so much, and they would be miserable".

When my parents are here, and I get the chance, then I am OFF as soon as my bags are packed. We have even handed DC over at the airport.