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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD has requested I ask you lot to judge whether I am unreasonable or whether sh is.

129 replies

FerrisBueller · 07/10/2010 18:28

DD is 14. She isa sensible nice person. We live in a nice sensible quiet place.

Saturday is the annual fair. DD thinks it is reasonable for her to stay out until 10pm. I think it is too late, that fairs attract weirdos and by 10pm drunk people.

She would be with a group of friends who all live locally.

Her latest plan to thwart my unreasonableness is to sleep at her friends house after the fair. Her friend is also nice and sensible but her parent is even more lax than I am (I am fairly lax nomally).

I think this is a ploy to stay out late despite my wishes.

Consider also these girls are all 14 and dress like hookers teenagers do these days.

So I say No. She will not be staying out past 9pm and she will not be sleeping at her friends house.

AIBU?

OP posts:
monstermissy · 08/10/2010 10:24

I would let her go but maybe pick them up, also if she let me down then it would be right back to early curfews.

My 13 year old asked today if he could be home at 11pm on saturday night hahahahahahahah.

Ive said ten no later. They are at a friends house and being brought home even so i think 11 is too late.

FoghornLeghorn · 08/10/2010 10:25

I would let her go. She's proven herself to be sensible and trustworthy already.

Go on !

Greensleeves · 08/10/2010 10:28

I'd let her go, stay out till 10 and sleep over at friends

but with very firm conditions - she rings you AT 10pm from her friend's house and you speak to an adult there so you know she is safe

and if she breaches trust in any way (drinking etc) she can kiss goodbye to her freedom until she leaves home Grin

MrsMerlothasabadhead · 08/10/2010 10:33

FerrisBueller. I think you are doing the right thing. Smile

She is much more likely to be truthful about her future plans, if she realises you will be fair in your decisions about letting her go and the time of curfew.

If you had been stubborn with the 9pm time, it is likely she may have chosen not to bother asking next time and stayed else where.

I think a curfew should always be adjusted to circumstances, ie different times for cinema trips, parties, visits to friends houses. So just because she is allowed 10pm this time doesn't mean she will push the boundaries!

Hope she has fun, but please do make sure she phones from a landline Wink

Original poster
FerrisBueller · 08/10/2010 10:36

i will be calm about it. i will not insist dh tails them with walkietalkie to update me on what they are doing. i will not keep phoning her to check. i will not sniff her accusingly the next morning. i will trust her.

OP posts:
ICantGetMuchSleep · 08/10/2010 12:02

I work with 14 year old girls: YANBU! Staying at her mates is just a way of getting to stay out late. Whatever time you decide, she should stay at home! I agree, 9.30 sounds a good compromise.

scotsmuminengland · 08/10/2010 12:06

I would let my 14 year old out until ten. She is old enough

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/10/2010 12:30

i would allow to 10 and then pick her up or give her the money for a taxi if you cant pick up and then offer 3 other friends to come and stay for a sleepover if she wants

if the other parents is a bit lax then you are going to be worried so i wouldnt agree to this sleepover at that friends house

i did sleepovers at friends and yes i was at 14 having the odd drink of thunderbirds or sweet cider

nickelbabe · 08/10/2010 12:35

sob! :( I miss Goose Fair. :(

Good plan, Ferris.

The fact that you are giving her this trust means that she will prove herself to be trustworthy - especially if she knows she'll screw it up for her freedom if she doesn't comply. :)

lesley2460 · 08/10/2010 12:39

I had this exact problem with my 14-year-old last weekend - I allowed her to go on the proviso that she rang me from her friend's house as soon as they got back there - I have caller display so I knew it was the right number - actually they came home earlier than expected because they'd run out of money! I would let her go.

all4u · 08/10/2010 12:47

I know what you mean about the current trick that our 'fashion industry' is playing on our DDs (mine is 12 by the way). Saving cost and maximising their profits by not having sleeves and v short skirts (resemblance to working girls is an unfortunate coincidence as they use less material for another reason...)

I agree with colditz - I would let her stay out and not want her to 'sleep over' unless I knew the other Mum well and knew we felt the same. But anyway I am indoctinating my DD to be alert to danger - no way be pressured to 'follow the crowd' so that she can make her own decisions both now and when she is older and I am not on the scene. This does involve trusting her - but you know your own daughter and her track record of being influenced by her peers. I would want t keep her talking to me and trusting me above all I think. All the best!

Remotew · 08/10/2010 12:52

I've never given my DD a curfew. Can remember her going for a meal with a group of girls at age 14 and she came back at 10. Asked her why so early and she said she thought I would want her home. That's why I could trust her, now if it was one of her mates, I wouldn't have let them out at all.

If the others are allowed and she is a nice, sensible girl I would say YABU.

maxybrown · 08/10/2010 12:53

I miss Goosey fair in Tavistock Sad

Anyway, I would let her go - she has to earn that trust and by your own admittance she is a good girl.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 08/10/2010 12:53

I would let her go.

I would tell her that if she can prove to you now that she is trustworthy then maybe next time she can stay over.

Go and pick her up at 10.

kslatts · 08/10/2010 13:37

If you trust her, then I think you should let her go.

mumeeee · 08/10/2010 14:14

I would let her stay out until 10 nut perhaps have the sleepover at your house.

Tortington · 08/10/2010 14:20

my comprimise would be that she could stay out until 10 but i had to pick her up

ChippingIn · 08/10/2010 16:43

Trust her, let her go, ask her to call from a landline when they get home, so that you know she's OK.

Let her know it's the 'rough 'uns that you don't trust, not her.

Those of you telling FB to make her wear/not let her wear 'whatever' are just so funnnnyyyy - it's not like she can't change as soon as she gets out of the house!

I would, however, explain to her that although it shouldn't be the case, people do make assumptions from the clothes you wear and that it would be wise not to go to a fair looking like a cheap hooker in skimpy clothing, as the local riff raff might take it as an open invitation to act like cave men.

PuppyMonkey · 08/10/2010 18:50

Do you live in Nottingham by any chance ferris?

PuppyMonkey · 08/10/2010 18:53

Sorry, getting used to this new mn mobile site so keep missing posts. No way would I let my 14 year old go to goose fair!!!! Born and bred in Nottingham here btw.

missmoopy · 08/10/2010 19:03

At 14 I was staying out until 11pm as long as home on time.
10pm seems ok as long as she is generally a sensible girl?

PuppyMonkey · 08/10/2010 19:06

Hang on am v. Confused. Is it goose fair in Nottingham or not? Goose fair is not a normal fair for those unfamiliar with it. You would not want your dd there at 10pm, believe me.

Original poster
FerrisBueller · 08/10/2010 20:11

nope not nottingham - back end of beyond wit equally weird ancient bylaws and customs.

OP posts:
activate · 08/10/2010 20:16

I would let her go. I would meet her at 10pm and walk her home

BitOfFun · 08/10/2010 21:40

What's so bad about the Nottingham goose fair?