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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD has requested I ask you lot to judge whether I am unreasonable or whether sh is.

129 replies

FerrisBueller · 07/10/2010 18:28

DD is 14. She isa sensible nice person. We live in a nice sensible quiet place.

Saturday is the annual fair. DD thinks it is reasonable for her to stay out until 10pm. I think it is too late, that fairs attract weirdos and by 10pm drunk people.

She would be with a group of friends who all live locally.

Her latest plan to thwart my unreasonableness is to sleep at her friends house after the fair. Her friend is also nice and sensible but her parent is even more lax than I am (I am fairly lax nomally).

I think this is a ploy to stay out late despite my wishes.

Consider also these girls are all 14 and dress like hookers teenagers do these days.

So I say No. She will not be staying out past 9pm and she will not be sleeping at her friends house.

AIBU?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 07/10/2010 20:52

let her go til 10.00 not sleepover but she return home

74claire · 07/10/2010 21:01

. . . I got into more trouble at 3 in the afernoon than at 10 at night ;)

Bonsoir · 07/10/2010 21:03

Very hard to judge the OP given that we don't know the DD and we don't know the fair. But probably not OK in my book.

DSS1 stays out at parties until 11.30 pm - but DP goes to fetch him and all the teens are very sweet and do nothing worse that gorge on Haribo and Coca-Cola.

NotanOtter · 07/10/2010 21:05

I would not let DD who is 16...

I may have let ds at 16 but he was very very trustworthy.

I would not let ds who is 14 ...I would let him be at a mates until 10 but not a fair

Meglet · 07/10/2010 21:05

yanbu.

Sounds like they are planning on getting drunk. I'd give her a 9pm, sober, curfew.

Been there done that, didn't come home until the next morning.

scottishmummy · 07/10/2010 21:11

no dont go fair to observe her.cringetastic social death would be mum skulking aboot peeping

or go collect at 10.00

Original poster
FerrisBueller · 07/10/2010 21:16

i may give in. she is a good nice girl. But there will be very strict rules. and if she lets me down i will be very very disappointed and she will never be leaving the house alone ever again.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 07/10/2010 21:27

well fair enough,graded freedom is good learning.and she stuffs up,she gets grounded

Rebeccaruby · 07/10/2010 21:33

I think Jaybird37 has made a good point. Better her leaving with her friends in a big group and going to the same place as them than leaving on her own early. I think 10 would be OK. She has asked, she could just have lied.

zukiecat · 07/10/2010 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

newwave · 07/10/2010 21:55

Let here go, in less than two years at 16 she will be doing almost what she likes anyway.

Try to control to much and she will kick back later and you do say she is sensible so trust her.

Scuttlebutter · 07/10/2010 22:56

I'd say go with the 10 finish,but pick her up from the fair, with an option of her having a close friend or two back to the house if she wants, or you could take them to friend's house. Why not call friend's parents and see if they are happy with this too? United front by parents harder to exploit by cunning teens!

ScaredOne · 07/10/2010 23:22

10 is more than fine, I was out longer than 10 at the age of 14. My mum's motto was to 'stay as long as everyone else is' so I am never alone. Especially good if they are walking home or something.

Although I have to say that I would pick them up. You are not tempted to get wasted, up to bad things, leave the place etc if you know your parent is picking you up. Do this and let her go. At 14 you want to mingle, see boys and so on and 10 is not late. And don't go there to keep an eye on her. That would make the whole night awkward for her. And I have a bad feeling that that would lead her to lie to you next time. It's what a lot of my friends did whose parents were too strict.
I think it's better you know exactly where your daughter is and that she knows she can call you any time for help/pick up whatever. It is so much safer for both of you

onceamai · 08/10/2010 04:46

Depends how well you know the group of friends she is with. If they are good friends and you know plenty about them I think 10 is fine. Have boy of nearly 15 and I think I would be OK with the fair aspect and the time but would want an agreed plan for returning home so that no-one in the group ended up unaccompanied for any part of the journey back.

diddl · 08/10/2010 06:55

10pm wouldn´t be the issue for me but the fair would.

OP-could you collect from the fair & take everyone to friend´s for sleepover?

WhyAyeButterPie · 08/10/2010 07:59

We were up to all sorts by 14! (Nothing scary, just going to rock clubs and snogging people, then crying about them and writing bad poetry)

My sister was more of the "going to fairs" type, and she and her friends always got drunk, but were sensible enough not to get involved in anything dodgy.

My mum used to buy them some lambrini, on the grounds that it is so weak that they will struggle to get a gang of them actually drunk on one bottle, but they will think they are drinking and so won't be tempted to get hold of anything else, and it pretty much worked.

Although, tbh, it was the friends (of both mine and hers) who weren't allowed a little bit of freedom at this age that were passing out in unsuitable men's beds as soon as they got the chance.

Also, be aware, that, if you are the strict mum of the group, you WILL be the host of millions of fake sleepovers. I had a friend whose mother used to pick her up outside nightclubs when she was 17, and we were always "staying over at hers" when we wanted to do something we weren't allowed to.

WhyAyeButterPie · 08/10/2010 08:08

Also, My girl guides pack (troupe? Company? Gang?) finished at 10pm and we used to walk home ourselves or in groups, and that starts at age 10 and you leave at 14, so it really isn't that late at all.

It's not so much the lateness as what they might get up to- you can only protect against that by trying to raise a sensible child. If they are restricted too much, they will just try to prove themselves in other ways.

Butterbur · 08/10/2010 08:28

We have an annual fair near us, and yes it does attract huge crowds of potential troublemakers. However, there is always a huge and obvious police presence, and I would feel OK about a 14yo girl going. Tbh, the boys get in more trouble, with fist fights.

Also, none of my kids, even my wannabe supercool 16 yo want to stay much after 9:30, because they feel uncomfortable, and also, have spent all their money. With rides at £2 - £2.50 a tenner soon disappears with not very much to show for it.

I'd let her go,and I am super strict (according to my kids).

stubbornhubby · 08/10/2010 08:54

going to the fair to fetch her is not a bad idea. yes, it's a pain, but taxi-service is what parents do when DD is 14.

if you collect her from fair as well as enforcing a time, she is less likely to get drunk over-excited.

Romanarama · 08/10/2010 09:02

I was like Whyaye. We used to all lie about where we were staying and go out to nightclubs, pretend we were 18 and get pissed. My friends and I are all still alive and didn't get into any serious trouble, but I will deffo be planning to collect my kids from places when they're teens. I hate the thought of them on night buses for hours with weirdos, which is what I used to do. I honestly don't think my parents ever had a clue really, but they were having some kind of mid-life crisis when we were in our teens so we got rather ignored.

What I mean is, yanbu Smile, imho

Marlinspike · 08/10/2010 09:08

I think you are being a little U. i would suggest:

  1. You vet what she is wearing (ie skirt of reasonable length; nothing too revealing on top
  2. You get her to phone you from the friends house phone when they get home at 10, so you know she's safe

I would trust her and her friends to be sensible - yes, funfairs can be a bit edgy, but if she's with a group of grounded mates they will just have a good laugh and keep themselves out of trouble. After all she gave you the very sensible option of canvassing opinion on mumsnet - she sounds like a great girl!

lucky1979 · 08/10/2010 09:11

Oooh, it's not Goose Fair is it? Having a few mates that are policemen, and knowing what they have to say about what happens at Goose Fair, I wouldn't be letting my DD go without a police escort.

LoveBeingInvitedToTheVIPSale · 08/10/2010 09:15

I would let her go, if shes a good girl and hasnt let you down before why not? Shel take it as not trusting her.

Original poster
FerrisBueller · 08/10/2010 10:17

not a goose fair but a mop one.

i think i will back down and she will be phoning me from landline. her friends are a nice bunch and i would much rather she stayed with the group till 10 than walked home alone at 9.30.

OP posts:
NordicPrincess · 08/10/2010 10:20

i imagine shel be fine and behave herself if you let her out till 10 but youl be setting a precident and shel be asking to stay out til 10 more often. 9pm is fine for 14yrs old
take it from someone who was quite a handful, it all starts with what they think they can get away with and then pushing boundaries..