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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take DS to schools 'Dads Day', because there's no way I'm having him feel excluded?

99 replies

YesItIs · 07/10/2010 00:05

Every year DSs school has a Dads Day where dad/granddad/male carer get to go into school and do lovely activities with their DC and spend some fab quality time together (picking up on the bitterness yet?)

Me and DSs dad are not together and never have been, but every year DSs dad will come down to take him, which they both look forward to. This year though, he can't as he has commitments with his new wife/family.

I don't have a dad around, so no grandfather, and no partner to take him. I am his No1 carer; his mum, his dad, all the bits in between.

So, I am taking him to dads day. I hate the fact that the school can get away with this, and exclude so many children who aren't fortunate to have a large extended family, or two parents, or a father who may not live with them but is in contact. And don't get me started on the poor bereaved children who may have lost their father, because I know of two in just the year DS is in alone.

I don't think I'm BU, and am quite looking forward to turning up and spending time with DS. The school don't organise a 'Lone Parents Day' or a 'Mums Day', so why the hell shouldn't I go with DS!!

Grr.

So, AIBU? Or should I just stay away and seethe quietly at home?

OP posts:
AlgebraKnocksItUpANotchBAM · 07/10/2010 00:06

I think a parents' day would be better. maybe two a year so if there are two parents, both would get a turn.

nickschick · 07/10/2010 00:07

I dont bloody blame you im seething on your behalf however I think it might be a better idea to keep him home have a lovely day doing something special and email/write and speak to every newspaper the LEA and anyone else in authority -this stinks!!!

nickschick · 07/10/2010 00:08

Thats made me feel quite teary Sad.

FunkyCherry · 07/10/2010 00:08

Agree with you in principle, but are you doing it for him or you?

nickschick · 07/10/2010 00:09

Id write to some celebrity male and ask him to be your ds 'dad' for the day.

Kewcumber · 07/10/2010 00:11

I'm going to get my brother to do this but I agree its pants if you don;t have a handy male around. Ask the people what she thinks - either you come or you will excuse him for the day.

Original poster
YesItIs · 07/10/2010 00:14

I'm doing it for him, Funky.

I can see why you'd think I'm doing it for me, but he has spent the last 2 weeks talking about Dads day, will have to step into class on monday morning to hear all his classmates talk about Dads day, and will then have to watch the photos that they take on the day flashed up on the whiteboard in class and in assembly, knowing that he couldn't go because his dad was out with his other family.

Where is the fairness in that?

I won't let my son feel those feelings of disappointment and sadness, because the school says its "all about the dads".

OP posts:
Original poster
YesItIs · 07/10/2010 00:16

Kew I do have my brother around, who would do it, but he also has other commitments and is unable to.

OP posts:
Hedgeblunder · 07/10/2010 00:17

That's awful.. I agree with taking him off to the zoo or cinema or something if you can afford it and having a special day for single mums with your ds.
I would write to the lea about this too, it's not right.

Skyrg · 07/10/2010 00:19

How awful. The school should be more thoughtful. Usually everything has to be addressed to parent/guardian etc.
My dad was never around. My school used to make father's day cards. Apparently I always wrote mine to my mum.

I would make a complaint and go with him. Or just take him out of school that day and go somewhere fun...

Original poster
YesItIs · 07/10/2010 00:22

Its on Saturday. I think I'm definitely take this to the LEA and complain to the school.

And I am going to go. Somehow I don't think I'll be the only mum there. I'll have to report back on the extent of the headmistresses cats bum mouth.

OP posts:
Mammie81 · 07/10/2010 00:23

My dad died when I was 12 so I would have also have been totally excluded from an event like this. My mum would have gone with us and probably rallied some other single mums to come along and protest too (if our school had done such an ignorant thing)

Well done you Smile

magicmummy1 · 07/10/2010 00:24

our school did a dads' day last year but they're having a mums' day this year because so many mums complained!
I too think a parents' day would be more inclusive but when this was suggested to my dd's school, they said that they were specifically targeting dads because mums tend to be quite involved with their kids' education anyway. And some random bit of research apparently says that kids with involved fathers do better than those without! So it's back to dads in school day again next year!Hmm

DreamTeamGirl · 07/10/2010 00:28

We have both a mum's day & a dad's day

DS' dad comes down to go to it with him

I would be quite upset if XP didnt come, but not at the school as I personally think its a really nice thing to invite the dads along. If it was parents just the mums would go as usual
Our school did Willow weaving and made a lovely willow tunnel that leads to the Year 1 block

Can your ex really not swap around his family stuff? Do you not have a male friend who could step in?
Personally i think a mum going would stand out a LOT more than not having a dad there...

Mammie81 · 07/10/2010 00:30

Magicmummy, its awful that the school continues with that tradition on the back of that research. It entirely fails every child who doesnt have a father/grandfather around for whatever reason, and just 'rewards' those who do.

Angry
Hedgeblunder · 07/10/2010 00:31

Good for you yesitis

FunkyCherry · 07/10/2010 00:32

Wasn't getting at you, like I said I agree in principle. Just checking he wouldn't feel uncomfortable being the only one to have his mum there. Sounds like he won't be.
Have a great day.

Original poster
YesItIs · 07/10/2010 00:33

I agree Dream, it is a nice thing do to for the dads, but they don't do the equivalent for the mums. They just expect us to jump when they click there 'its school fete time again' fingers.

Ex cant swap. He's going on holiday. No other male friend to do it, and quite frankly I don't really want a random to go spend quality time with DS when I can. It'll make a change to being tied to the kitchen sink/hoover/washing machine and watching DS get on with it!

Heck, what's the worst that could happen? My son seeing that his mum stands up to things that shouldn't be?

OP posts:
Original poster
YesItIs · 07/10/2010 00:34

*their, not there.

Looks like I need to sit in lessons with him too!

OP posts:
Skyrg · 07/10/2010 00:36

The worst that could happen is that your son feels a sense of loss that his father isn't around for this. He may feel neglected and that he's not worth it.
I don't say this to make you feel bad, but I went through this as a child.
He may need a lot of extra love and support on the day.

Original poster
YesItIs · 07/10/2010 00:37

Thanks Funky! Smile

DS is a ballsy child anyway, and definitely not one to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable in situations. Takes after his mum Hmm

OP posts:
FunkyCherry · 07/10/2010 00:41

AW - I want to borrow him now! Maybe we should all come. Does he know he's a MN star? :)

Original poster
YesItIs · 07/10/2010 00:42

I'm going to talk to DS tomorrow about me taking him. It is primarily down to him. If he says he'd prefer not to go, then we will pop ourselves off down the allotment and hunt for worms for his wormery! Now that's quality!

Thanks for advice peeps Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
YesItIs · 07/10/2010 00:42

Lets all go and burn our bras at the school gate!

OP posts:
spamm · 07/10/2010 00:53

I was going to say YABU, until you said they do not do equivalent for Moms. I like the idea of a Dad's day, but only if they treat both Parents equally - at least it would be fair and restore balance for the majority.

Your ds sounds like he has the support of a great Mom and I am sure you will find a good solution.

Could he take photos in of the wormery, so he can show them off on Monday? Or even some good worms?