to take DS to schools 'Dads Day', because there's no way I'm having him feel excluded?

[YesItIs]

Every year DSs school has a Dads Day where dad/granddad/male carer get to go into school and do lovely activities with their DC and spend some fab quality time together (picking up on the bitterness yet?)

Me and DSs dad are not together and never have been, but every year DSs dad will come down to take him, which they both look forward to. This year though, he can't as he has commitments with his new wife/family.

I don't have a dad around, so no grandfather, and no partner to take him. I am his No1 carer; his mum, his dad, all the bits in between.

So, I am taking him to dads day. I hate the fact that the school can get away with this, and exclude so many children who aren't fortunate to have a large extended family, or two parents, or a father who may not live with them but is in contact. And don't get me started on the poor bereaved children who may have lost their father, because I know of two in just the year DS is in alone.

I don't think I'm BU, and am quite looking forward to turning up and spending time with DS. The school don't organise a 'Lone Parents Day' or a 'Mums Day', so why the hell shouldn't I go with DS!!

Grr.

So, AIBU? Or should I just stay away and seethe quietly at home?

Not read whole thread but just had to respond.

Our Scout group, many years ago, used to run Lads and Dads camps but because so many Dads were absent for so many reasons, we changed it to Family Camp.....now we have grandparents, aunts, uncles and all other family members come along and it's fab! The wealth of experience that shows up and takes part is unbeatable and nobody is excluded.

Having said I've not read whole thread, just caught sight of MollieO's post.

Mollie, that's just vile. Your brother's attitude stinks Has he got children - I feel sure he can't have, otherwise he wouldn't be so completely unsupportive?

YANBU. I am in a similar situation in that DS's father is dead. If this happened at his school then he would be excluded from the event unless I went. Making it a parent/carers event would just be much more sensitive and inclusive. I do see what the school are trying to do, but it does just have the effect of rewarding those with fathers. Yes, it may be a positive experience for them, but the others, who may already feel excluded or different to the norm will only be further excluded. I think the most excluded will be those who are in care. presumably that would mean that there was absolutely no one to go with them?

I don't think YABU to go, if your son wants you to, but I do think YABa little U if you try to have it stopped. I'm a LP too and this would make me fume initially but if they change it to a family day, what will happen in most families? Mum will do it. You've said it has been a good way in the past to get your Ex and other rolemodels involved and I imagine it does the same for other families.
Go along if your son wants you too, heopfully they wil be delighted, but I would be wary of fighting too hard to get it changed. Maybe suggest that they make it clear to the children that if Dads can't attend then other family members are welcome.

ANd I think its a bit OTT to call it discrimination. of it is, it's tame discrimination.like i can't be a man. or i can't go to a mum and daughter party, becasue i don't have a dd, i have 2 ds's, but it is now a physical impossibility that i will ever have a dd. am i bovvered. er no. do i feel discriminated against ? errr no.
and my sons have neither grandad.
do i feel discrimated against ? er no.

Just becasue otehr people have daughters, dads and granddads etc, and you do not, you have no basis to object to that, or object to the celebration of it.

The school don't do it to upset you it's just that if they called it parents day I suspect then it would be mostly mums that come. I'm sure in your case where there is neither a dad nor a grand dad to fill that role it would be appropriate for you to go. It's if lots of mums went because dads couldn't possibly take time off work etc etc that it would kind of defeat the object.

But he isn't at all excluded - he knows he has a dad who would take him, but is busy this year, he knows he has an uncle who would take him, but is busy this year. Lots of other kids will be in the same boat - this is your issue, not his. And it's on a saturday, so it's optional. It's an attempt to get male carers more involved which, given the lack of male teachers in primary, is a good idea. Don't torpedo it.

I've nothing against encouraging male role models, but its very upsetting as a bereaved child to be offically reminded that you are one parent short.

In OP's situation though, I don't see the difference between dad being resident and working that day or non resident and can't go this year. My DH works funny shifts and more than likely would be working the day of anything like this.

I'd prob ask one of his friends to share their dad for the day.

Its his fathers choice not to come. Thats a shame, but you can't make somoene do something. I suspect from your posts that unfortunately this letting down, is something your son is going to have to get used to.
There are many children with parents who have no involvement in their lives. very sad. But what can be done ? Probably nothing.
Is it anyone elses fault other than ds's dad. No. So no need to punish anyone else.

OMG! I am that they have a dad's day.

Don't they realise how left-out children who don't have a dad around feel? OKish if they have a grandad or another close male, but loads don't.

Likewise mum's day if there are children without mum's around.

We don't have them round here.

I can see why you would be upset and DS wont have his Dad there and I do agree that a more universal day would work better ? more so for those children who?s fathers have passed away.

FWIW, I do think you are being slightly unreasonable ? your DS has had his dad with him on other years, it just so happens this year he wont and now it?s a issue. Other boys in your DS? school are bound to have dad?s who can?t attend due to work or other commitments. And bearing in mind it?s on a Saturday and not a normal school day, your son doesn?t need to feel left out or different ? you will be putting him in that position by taking him.

Sorry if that?s not what you wanted to hear

You all seem to be under the impression that I want an immediate ban on this.

I don't want to ban it, and on reflection, I won't be writing to the LEA or complaining to the school. And I have at no point called it discrimination.

All I am saying is that it is excluding a strand of society, whether that's lone parents, bereaved parents, mothers who have had to up and move areas because of abusive partners who have no other family or role model to ask. If they called it a 'carers' day, or 'parents' day, it may not get so many people . because I'm not the only one at the school questioning it.

DS is very lucky to have his dad around, but his dad has other commitments; a family who he has booked a holiday with, so no, he can't change his plans. Having to explain to DS that daddy can't go because he's taking his other children on holiday will be a big enough blow to DS, but then to turn round and also explain that dads day will have to be written out of the equation because dad is off with his other kids and wife will be another kick in the teeth for him.

I'm not doing this for me. I'm not being the 'martyr' or doing it to be a pita. I am just asking would it be that unreasonable to turn up with DS, or do I have to have a cock and balls in order to pass the gate.

Granted, not every child would have a father round to take them if the father had work commitments and couldn't get time of, I understand that point and take it into consideration. But the child who is told "Daddy can't make it because he has to work", may be a bit less put out than the child who is told "Daddy isn't around and is off with his other family, we are a lone parent family, get used to it" might feel slightly more put out.

Trying to get my point across here that I don't want DS to feel excluded because of a constant he doesn't have in his life, but I seem to be failing.

But it isn't a dad's day.

Grandfather/male carer/male relation/dad day.

Just because none of the options are available on that particular day does not mean the concept is flawed.

And as bigTillyMint has said, there would be equal uproar if there was a Mums Day. A universal 'parents/carers' day would be more appropriate, with a letter issued to parents stating that either carer could attend, with more emphasis on the father attending, so as not to have such an obvious exclusion.

Well this is one of those situations where we all have different view points, obviously!

I shall look over these posts again and reread from the top and will decide what to do after talking to DS.

Thanks for all your comments, and different perspectives Some of you have raised points I hadn't considered. Thank you.

I actually feel you ARE being a bit U.

It is on a Sat so you don't have to go. Taking your DS will only serve to highlight that his dad isn't there.

Your ds does have a dad! he's just busy that day- Not dead!

He won't be the only one in school from a single parent family.

There will be other dads that have other commitments that day too, even those that arn't estranged from their families.

Our "bring a man to school" day is a school day and any children who don't have a tame man to bring do stand out as this is an area very much of two parent involvement even if there is divorce.

I don;t want it banned either, very good idea to get fathers (particularly) more involved in school but I do expect the school to have thought through that there might be childrn ein this position and to discuss with relevant paretns what their options are.

"60 children. 60 dads. Every single dad came. Dh said they sang a song and it all bought a tear to his eye." yes well in DS's case it would be 59 children and 59 dads and DS on his own. Which would bring a tear to my eye too.

It isn't the schools fault and I don't want anyone else "punished" but I don't expect the school to compound the problem.

Good post kewcumber. I don't see why they can't do it at as 'bring a relative day' but ask the children to try and bring someone different to the person who usually comes and send a note home saying the same. That means they can bring anyone and the other children aren't likely to notice who's bringing who.
Surely there are some Dads who are more involved than the mum anyway?

we have Dad's day, mum's day and grandparents day, giving them all a chance to visit, see the inside of the school, donate some time, buy some cakes and raffle tickets etc etc

Relatives dont stay all day and arent all there at the same time, so mostly no-one would notice whether a child has had someone there or not (except the child of course)

Seems to me an infinitely more sensible and sensitive approach. Oh and the 60 children and 59 dads would make me cry too

I am sure I am in the minority here but I think it is good that the school encourage dad's participation. DS's school is very yummy mummy and my DH really feels excluded. He always took DS to nursery so was very involved in his care. Now DS is at school when he does go he feels like he shouldn't be there. Even at assemblies when parents are invited the head always says hello to "The Mums" and no mention of the Dads! DH hates that the few dads there are blatantly ignored. I agree it is difficult if there are no males in a childs life but think that schools do need to get the dad's involved. Particulary in primary schools which are so female centred.

Never heard of 'Dads day', it sounds crap. Our school never does this and I am grateful.

I think it's a great idea to get dad's / other key men in children's involved in school and learning, but surely there must be a different way of doing it. If the day is being talked about alot in school, then children who haven't got a dad / other significant male around will feel left out.

Loads of DS's friends have not got a dad at home, and some have no contact with their dads - I know they would feel gutted in that situation.

I think it's pretty stupid for a school to organise ANY day that not all children will be able to be involved in. Bound to make the others feel left out and possibly inadequate.

"Dads Day" is fine but only as long as it is made clear that other parents/guardians are also very welcome.

As to whether the OP should go or not - well that's really a decision for her son as to which he'd prefer. Sounds like she's going to ask him.

YANBU OP.

Our pick up playground is probably 75/80% mum and 25/20% dad, I think. I don't think any of the dads feel excluded. They are lovely, witty, and give a balance to the predominatley female issues.

yanbu
I agree with the poster who said it should be a parents day