to take DS to schools 'Dads Day', because there's no way I'm having him feel excluded?

[YesItIs]

Every year DSs school has a Dads Day where dad/granddad/male carer get to go into school and do lovely activities with their DC and spend some fab quality time together (picking up on the bitterness yet?)

Me and DSs dad are not together and never have been, but every year DSs dad will come down to take him, which they both look forward to. This year though, he can't as he has commitments with his new wife/family.

I don't have a dad around, so no grandfather, and no partner to take him. I am his No1 carer; his mum, his dad, all the bits in between.

So, I am taking him to dads day. I hate the fact that the school can get away with this, and exclude so many children who aren't fortunate to have a large extended family, or two parents, or a father who may not live with them but is in contact. And don't get me started on the poor bereaved children who may have lost their father, because I know of two in just the year DS is in alone.

I don't think I'm BU, and am quite looking forward to turning up and spending time with DS. The school don't organise a 'Lone Parents Day' or a 'Mums Day', so why the hell shouldn't I go with DS!!

Grr.

So, AIBU? Or should I just stay away and seethe quietly at home?

"I am sure I am in the minority here but I think it is good that the school encourage dad's participation."

I also think it´s good to get Dads involved.

But was thinking-are there many school activities that fathers can´t go to?

I think that perhaps you are getting a bit more upset than you need to. FWIW, my dc attend a school that has both a 'Dads' Day' and a 'Grandparents' Day' and both are held during the normal school day. Last year my dh couldn't attend the 'Dads' Day' because he had to work and we have no grandparents who could possibly ever go due to their being v v ill or dead. However, that doesn't mean that I would not wish these days to take place, I think they are very important. Turning them into generic carer's days changes the nature of them and I wouldn't want to deny other children the benefit just because it's not availale to my own dc. Although my dc are a bit upset I talked to them about it and they were very sensible. I think I was more upset than they were.

To answer your question, though. I'd just have a nice day out with your son doing something that he will enjoy.

Holly go heavily, aptly named.

My kids' Dad died three years ago - this kind of thing is totally insensitive.

Sorry we piss you off with insistence on not being invisible and silent in the face of this - why should we be?

I agree with SweetKate

YANBU for feeling these things but YABU if you expect the school not to have such a day or to rename it.

Your ds does usually do this with his Dad, regardless of the fact you are together or not so it's not as difficult as some could find it (not trivialising it for you btw, just putting some perspective on your general point)

Some children's Dad's couldn't take part due to work commitments, which is often the case here and although it's not nice it's the way of the world and I would still send them to school, but would make sure the teacher was aware in advance.

When ds1 was at primary school, a friend of mine's ds was in the same class and never knew his Dad, Mum single, she had little contact with her father so no male role models about. Her ds did sometimes get upset about things but she spoke to him and he learnt to deal with it.

That school didn't ever make father's day cards because of cases like that but I often found that some children would get upset as they couldn't make them for their Dad when they got to make them for Mum.

Dss would get upset when making said mother's day cards as he didn't see his Mum, I consoled him and dealt with it. I wouldn't expect the school not to do these things.

The point I'm trying to make is imo, it's better to include people and deal with any problems that arise from this than to not include them for fear of upsetting some.

That may seem harsh (My ds's are certainly of the opinion that i'm 'harsh' ) But I do believe that life is hard sometimes and children need to be prepared for this fact - in a sensitive way of course.

If i were you? I send him, with something fun planned for after school.

And they don't have a Mum's day because every day is our day I guess

At my Dsis childrens school they had a Dads day during the school week. However, when they knew how many Dads were going to be there they divided the children up so that all the children had a 'Dad' to work with. My bro-in-law had a group of 3 to build a shelter with, so I suppose that means that only about a third of the Dads came. (Oh, and before anyody gets CRB stressed, they were supervised by teachers all day).

This seemed to me to be a good compromise, the Dads who could make it got a chance to see what schools like and spend quality time with their DC. But all the children got to spend a day with a male role model. An alternative would be to have some male teachers/governors/premises officers who would take on the Dad role for the day. They could even be borrowed from the local high school to make a start on familiarising children with them

Incidentally, I feel sad that any child could be in a situation where there is no male in their lives. My ex only sees DC once a week but they have my brothers, dad and brother in law, as well as at least 4 of my friends/friends partners who I would happily ask to go with him.

I'll probably be flamed for saying this, but I think that lone parents have a responsibility to ensure their DC have adults of the opposite sex in their DC lives.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, the world doesn't stop turning because your son doesn't have a prominent male figure, and the school isn't about to stop what is obviously a fun day for the majority who do.

Don't send him if you feel that strongly, or send him and then do something even "fun-er" afterwards (as other people have suggested).

That is so wrong, I would call a meeting with the head about it. Its good that you are going, not only will ds have you there, but you are there on principle too, to let them know that not everyone has a dad in their lives, and that mums are important too. Mabey seeing you there, they might do a mums dad, even better as someone on here suggested, a Parents day.

That dad's day would also not have applied to me either as my dad died when I was young, and had no male role modles in my life. Talk about rubbing your face in it.

I think people saying that 'ohhh mums will just go if it's a parents/family day' need a good shake.

It is the dads responsibility to take an active interest in their children, it shouldn't be down to the lea to spoon feed them into being active parents.

I feel awful for the children who have lost their dads through bereavement or have no contact with them.

yanbu. they should arrange the event more sensitively, so that non-dads are also welcome.

I think I like the way ballstoit's school did it.

If there was a bring a dad/random bloke day at one of my DCs' schools, I really wouldn't have anyone I could ask to go: DH is dead, my father lives nearby, but is elderly and disabled, other grandfather and uncles are all hundreds/thousands of miles away, as is DS's secular 'godfather' figure. Yes, I do try to make sure my DCs have male role models in their lives (uncles, friends' fathers etc) but not everyone has a handy male living nearby who could take a day off work to go to something like this. That's one reason why I chose to send DS to a single-sex secondary.

I think you should go! You might draw attention to his 'situation' more by going but that could be good too: the school does need to be aware that most families are definitely not picture-perfect. It would probably also be a little lonely for him if he didn't have anyone to do activities with, right?

I lost my Mum and would have found days like this (had they existed in my school) really bloody hard to cope with. It's bad enough being older and dealing with the general notion that everyone has a Mum and a Dad!

Good luck to you!

I think this is a bit tricky, but I do sympathise wholeheartedly with you. As long as there is a Mum's Day as well then I actually quite like the idea. I think that it could be an encouragement to fathers (or mothers) to get more involved in their kids schooling, recreation etc. and this is no bad thing (My wife teaches in a school where these kinds of events are the only times parents actually come in - they won't bother for parents evening etc. Its that kind of estate). For a kid with an absent or deceased father then, yes, this is pretty difficult. Its a shame your brother is not available as that would sound like an ideal solution. Fair play to you for going along, but won't the dynamic be kind of odd? Is there a chance this could make it harder for your son? You know the situation best either way, but they were questions that came to mind.

Maybe kids should be allowed to remain home if they want to, and definitely be spared the photos on the whiteboard etc. Maybe sometimes kids just have to deal with some pretty tough things?

Don't want this to sound heartless, or that I have no respect for your situation or your response to it - absolutely not the case.

By the way, I don't think you are BU at all. Its just a difficult situation and I think that the school could probably be more sensitive.

If it was me, I'd ring the school, ask to speak to the head, explain the situation and demand that they change it to parents' day and that they send out a note telling everyone this. You don't want your boy being teased by other children for bringing in a mum instead of a dad. Would be great if your boy came home telling you - guess what Mum, they changed it to parents' Day!

Oh, sorry, my last post no good. I hadn't realised it was optional and on a Saturday, which does put a whole new light on it for me.

So... thinking again I would say "oh dear Dad can't do Dad's day this year, so let's you and me do something nice together instead." I would try to play it all down and not have a great big issue over it because that will not help your son.

My DC school does a 'family day'.

They send letters home saying any and all family members are welcome.

They also ask if parents can let them know if no family member can attend - as they pair up these DC with older children and make sure these DC are aware this will happen - from what I saw both older and younger children seemed to enjoy this.

Perhaps you could suggest this instead?

Seems more sensitive than fathers/mothers/parents/grandparent days.

I think the idea of a Dads'/male carers' day is well-intentioned but, like lots of things in life, will exclude some of those who desperately want to be part of it. Would it be possible for your DS to go along with a friend and his dad this year?

My school don't have male/female carer days but each term one of the male KS1 teachers co-ordinates an Environment Day. Lots of painting, general DIY, gardening, planting etc. in the school/playground. It's not aimed at any one gender but at improving the school environment and has the advantage of including and involving parents/uncles/aunts/grandparents/older siblings/neighbours etc. in the school including a number who might not be available/keen to sign up for something so contrived as a Dads' day.

I assume the school has no children who are in care then?

YANBU.

yy tethersend I thought that too. I wasn't in care but I did live with an unofficial foster family for a lot of my teenage years.

In my case my 'dad' would have been too pissed to stand, and if by some miracle he did make it for 'Dad's Day' he would have most likely been leering at all the girls in school uniform. I kid you not. Yeeeuch.

It sounds like a well intentioned but badly thought out concept.

I think that it is very insensitive. My DS's father died and to have a special day to take your daddy would have been very upsetting when young. I can't see what is wrong with an extended family day.

"Although my dc are a bit upset" - tbh having a father who cannot make the day is not at the foothills of the sense of "otherness" that a child gets who has no father involved in their life at all. Your children will come om eto their ather most days and will have him at most parents evenings and at Xmas concerts and school prize givings and at their 18th birthdays and weddings etc etc etc. Some children in truly lone parent families have to live with the absence of one parent permenently. Reinforcing it in school and getting their friedns as a witness to it isn;t the most sensitive thing a school can do when there are ways to deal with it.

Is it beyond the wit of the school to have a "bring a family member to school day" and send a note home to parents explaining that it is intended to encourage fathers to get involved in their childs school but that in recognition of the different circumstances of some families that it will be left to the fmaily to choose the most appropriate person to come.

Or SE13's school idea which is great and again a note can be sent asking for as many male volunteers as possible to help with "the lifting" or something suitably manly!

YANBU. My dad died when I was 13 following a long illness that saw him go completely loopy. Something like this would have totally gutted me - just something else to miss out on. For many people, having lost a parent you can't help but spend the rest of your life feeling as though they should have been there for stuff...

I too think the school is totally lacking empathy. And too right, Kewcumber. If a family want to do special celebratory dad bonding stuff there's plenty of opportunities out there in family life (father's day?) A special person day is much much more sensitive. I think that makes it even better; the child chooses who they want to spend that special time with.

I'm afraid that a school holding a special day for fathers would have had me in floods of tears for my DS when I was a widow. Why don't they think before they do these things?